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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: June 7th, 2017, 4:25 pm
by paul needham
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that **** before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: June 7th, 2017, 4:51 pm
by paul needham
AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST

PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan . She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,

Alex

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: August 4th, 2017, 8:58 pm
by Phil Cross
Flight Report


The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger onboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

A Pilot's discipline

Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:24 am
by Lynne Roberts
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which
I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Should work with grandkids too!


A Pilot's discipline.jpg
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..

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: September 5th, 2017, 7:30 pm
by paul needham
Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a primary school in the Gorbals district of Glasgow where she looked in on one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said Mrs Sturgeon........' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Mrs. Sturgeon 'that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Mrs Sturgeon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Alex Salmond was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
Fantastic!' exclaimed Nicola. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f-ing accident either!'

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: September 5th, 2017, 7:34 pm
by paul needham
Air Show Disaster at ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK, BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.


AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS


This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show and slammed into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
Untitled attachment 00060.jpg
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No one was killed, but it probably scared the **** out of them.

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: September 17th, 2017, 7:31 am
by Steve Perry
The Blackbird LA Speed Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKzlmBOwQE8