Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."



***



A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he

decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

***

A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She Were Thine" engraved on it. He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.

True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She Were Thin". He explodes - "bloody 'ell man, you've left the "e" out, you've left the damn "e" out!" The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason - "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud - "E, She Were Thin".

***

Bloke from Barnsley with a sore rectum asks his chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell **** cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, magnum or cornetto?

[Tony Collins 1073]

Two Blondes

[Tony Collins 1073]

Cont.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Sorry for the absence folks, Just had a new thumb joint fitted [TITANIUM]




THE RABBIT


A rabbit walks into a pub and says to the barman, 'Can I have a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie?

R1.jpg (7.01 KiB) Viewed 12099 times

The barman is amazed, but gives the rabbit a pint of beer and a ham and cheese toastie.

The rabbit drinks the beer and eats the toastie. He then leaves.
The following night the rabbit returns and again asks for a pint of beer, and a Ham and Cheese Toastie.

The barman, now intrigued by the rabbit and the extra drinkers in the pub, (because word gets round), gives the
rabbit the pint and the Toastie. The rabbit consumes them and leaves..

The next night, the pub is packed.

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman.'

The crowd is hushed as the barman gives the rabbit his pint and toastie, and then burst into applause as the rabbit wolfs them down

The next night there is standing room only in the pub.

Coaches have been laid on for the crowds of patrons attending.

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The barman is making more money in one week than he did all last year

In walks the rabbit and says, 'A pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie, please barman,

The barman says, 'I'm sorry rabbit, old mate, old mucker, but we are right out of them Ham and Cheese Toasties...'

The rabbit looks aghast.

The crowd has quietened to almost a whisper, when the barman clears his throat nervously and says, 'We do have
a very nice Cheese and Onion Toastie.'

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The rabbit looks him in the eye and says, 'Are you sure I will like it.'

The masses' bated breath is ear shatteringly silent..

The barman, with a roguish smile says, 'Do you think that I would let down one of my best friends. I know you'll love it.'

'Ok,' says the rabbit, 'I'll have a pint of beer and a Cheese and Onion Toastie..'

The pub erupts with glee as the rabbit quaffs the beer and guzzles the toastie.

R4.jpg (9.01 KiB) Viewed 12099 times

He then waves to the crowd and leaves....

NEVER TO RETURN!!!!!!

-----
One year later, in the now impoverished public house, the barman, (who has only served 4 drinks tonight, 3 of which were his), calls time.

When he is cleaning down the now empty bar, he sees a small white form, floating above the bar..

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont

The barman says, 'Who are you?',

To which he is answered,

'I am the ghost of the rabbit that used to frequent your public house.'

The barman says, 'I remember you. You made me famous.

You would come in every night and have a pint of beer and a Ham and Cheese Toastie. Masses came to see you and this place was famous.'

The rabbit says, 'Yes I know..'

The barman said, 'I remember, on your last night we didn't have any Ham and Cheese Toasties. You had a Cheese and Onion one instead.'

The rabbit said, 'Yes, you promised me that I would love it.

The barman said, 'You never came back, what happened?'





I

R6.jpg (9.28 KiB) Viewed 12099 times

I DIED said the rabbit.




'NO!' said the barman. 'What from?'

After a short pause, the rabbit said...


'Mixin-me-toasties.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

THE IMPROVED NATIONAL HEALTH SERVICE.



The British Medical Association has weighed in on Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists are scratching their heads, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the government had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The ENT specialists wouldn’t hear of it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, and the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

PORK CHOPS ??

PC1.jpg (180.95 KiB) Viewed 11994 times

In a zoo in California , a mother tiger gave birth to a rare set of triplet tiger cubs.
Unfortunately, due to complications in the pregnancy, the cubs were born prematurely
and due to their tiny size, they died shortly after birth.

The mother tiger after recovering from the delivery, suddenly started to decline in health,
although physically she was fine. The veterinarians felt that the loss of her litter had
caused the tigress to fall into a depression. The doctors decided that if the tigress
could surrogate another mother's cub's, perhaps she would improve.

After checking with many other zoos across the country, the depressing news
was that there were no tiger cubs of the right age to introduce to the mourning
mother. The veterinarians decided to try something that had never been tried
in a zoo environment. Sometimes a mother of one species, will take on the
care of a different species. The only 'orphans' that could be found quickly,
were a litter of weanling pigs. The zoo keepers and vets wrapped the piglets
in tiger skin and placed the babies around the mother tiger.
Would they become cubs or pork chops??

Take a look...

pc4.jpg (209.04 KiB) Viewed 11994 times

Now, please tell me one more time.........?

Why can't the rest of the world get along??

[Tony Collins 1073]

Dunno about the first Olympic's joke, this bugger was about in the 1970's Olympics, but being as we keep getting told to recycle everything, here it is !




THE FIRST OLYMPICS JOKE


It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London .

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they
haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks
to the gate.
"McTavish, Scotland," he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his
shoulder.
"Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks
it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Identity Theft.

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Five rules for men to follow for a happy life:


1 It's important to have a woman who helps at home, who cooks from
time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust and who doesn't
lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed and who likes
to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[Tony Collins 1073]

A young Arab asks his father:

Arab.jpg (50.19 KiB) Viewed 11895 times

What is this weird hat that we are wearing?

Why, it's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun!


And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing?
It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body!

And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet?
These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert!

Tell me Abba?
Yes my son?

Why are we living in Bristol and still wearing all this?

[Tony Collins 1073]

A man is driving
along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the
road.


He swerves to
avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front

of the
car.

The
driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets
out to see
what has become of the rabbit.
Much to his dismay, the rabbit
is the Easter
Bunny, and he is
DEAD
.

The driver
feels so awful that he begins
to cry.
A
beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the side
of the road
and pulls over.

She steps out
of the car and asks the man
what's wrong.

"I feel
terrible,"! he explains,
"I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and
KILLED HIM."

The blonde
says,"Don't worry."

She
runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp,
dead Easter Bunny ,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto him.


The
Easter Bunny jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off
down the road.

Ten feet
away he stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another
10 feet,
turns and waves,

hops another
ten feet,
turns and waves,

and repeats
this again and again and again and again,
until he hops out of
sight..

The man
is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is
in that can?
What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman
turns the can around
so that the man can read
the
label.

It
says..



(Are
you ready for this?)

(You know
you're gonna be sorry)

(Last
chance)


(OK,
here it is)


It
says,


"Hair
Spray
Restores
life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?















SUM TING WONG

[Tony Collins 1073]

They make an unlikely trio but Baloo the bear, Leo the lion and Shere Khan the tiger have forged an unusually strong bond.
Considering that they would be mortal enemies if they ever were to meet in the wild, it is stunning to see their unique and genuine friendship in these intimate pictures.
Rescued eight years ago during a police drugs raid in Atlanta, Georgia, the three friends were only cubs at the time at barely two months old.

A1.jpg (279.98 KiB) Viewed 11782 times

They had been kept as status symbol pets by the drug barons.
Delivered to the Noah's Ark Animal Rescue Centre in Locust Grove, Georgia, the decision was made to keep the youngsters together, because of their budding rapport.
'We could have separated them, but since they came as a kind of family, the zoo decided to keep them together,' said Diane Smith, assistant director of Noah's Ark.
'To our knowledge, this is the only place where you'll find this combination of animals together.'
Living with the zoo's founders for the past eight years, Shere Khan, Baloo and Leo have now moved to a purpose-built habitat where the US public can now witness first hand their touching relationships.

A2.jpg (212.03 KiB) Viewed 11782 times

'We didn't have the money to move them at first,' said Diane.
'Now their habitat is sorted and they have been moved away from the children's zoo areas where the public couldn't really get a good look.
'It is possible to see Baloo, who is a 1000lb bear, Shere Khan, a 350lb tiger and Leo, who is also 350lbs, messing around like brothers.

'They are totally oblivious to the fact that in any other circumstance they would not be friends.'
Handled by Charles and Jama Hedgecoth, the zoo's owners and founders, the three friendly giants appear to have no comprehension of their animal differences.
'Baloo and Shere Khan are very close,' says Diane.
'That is because they rise early, and as Leo is a lion, he likes to spend most of the day sleeping.
'It is wonderful and magical to see a giant American Black Bear put his arm around a Bengal and then to see the tiger nuzzle up to the bear like a domestic cat.
'When Leo wakes up the three of them mess around for most of the day before they settle down to some food.'


'

A3.jpg (216.23 KiB) Viewed 11782 times

Surprisingly for three apex predators with the power to kill with a single bite or swipe of their paw, they are very relaxed around each other.
'They eat, sleep and play together,' said Jama.
'As they treat each other as siblings they will lie on top of each other for heat and simply for affection.

'At the moment they are getting used to their new habitat.
'Shere Khan is being quite reticent about the move, but Baloo, the bear, is very good at leading him on and making him feel comfortable and safe.'
Explaining that the three 'brothers' have always seemed to share a unique bond, Charles said: 'Noah's Ark is their home and they could not possibly be separated from each other.
'You just have to remember who you're dealing with when you are with them, though.

'It's when you forget that these fellows are wild animals that you get yourself in trouble.'
The trio's new habitat had to be constructed carefully, in order to accommodate its occupants.
Jama said: 'The clubhouse had to be very sturdy for the guys, because they all sleep in it together,'
She added: 'We had to include a creek, because the tiger and the bear both like to be in water.'

A4.jpg (239.47 KiB) Viewed 11782 times

And how are YOU getting along with YOUR neighbors today

[Tony Collins 1073]

Dear Mr. Cameron,

Please find below our suggestion for fixing England 's economy.
Instead of giving billions of pounds to banks that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan, and stop giving aid to other countries when our own people need help. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:
There are about 10 million people over 50 in the work force. Pay them £1 million each severance for early retirement with the following stipulations:

1) They MUST retire. Ten million job openings - unemployment fixed
2) They MUST buy a new British car. Ten million cars ordered - Car Industry fixed
3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed and Building Industry back on it’s feet
4) They MUST send their kids to school/college/university - Crime rate fixed
5) They MUST buy £100 WORTH of alcohol/tobacco a week .....and there's your money back in duty/tax etc
6) Instead of stuffing around with the carbon emissions trading scheme that makes us pay for the major polluters, tell the greedy bastards to reduce their pollution emissions by 75% within 5 years or we shut them down. It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members of parliament pay back
their falsely claimed expenses and second home allowances

Grumpies of the World Unite

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know. If not, please disregard.
Also………..
Let's put the pensioners in jail and the criminals in a nursing home. This way the pensioners would have access to showers, hobbies and walks. They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out. They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance. Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell. They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose. They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counselling, pool and education. Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens. Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls. There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
The criminals would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised. Lights off at 8pm, and showers once a week. Live in a tiny room and pay £600..00 per week and have no hope of ever getting out.

Think about this (more points of contention)
------------------------------------------------------------------------
COWS
Is it just me, or does anyone else find it amazing that during the mad cow epidemic our government could track a single cow, born in Appleby almost three years ago, right to the stall where she slept in the county of Cumbria? And, they even tracked her calves to their stalls. But they are unable to locate 125,000 illegal immigrants wandering around our country. Maybe we should give each of them a cow.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE BRITISH CONSTITUTION They keep talking about drafting a Constitution for Iraq ... Why don't we just give them ours? It was drawn up by a lot of really smart guys, it has worked for centuries and we're not using it anymore.
------------------------------------------------------------------------
THE 10 COMMANDMENTS
The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse or Parliament, is this - you cannot post 'Thou Shalt Not Steal', 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery' and 'Thou Shall Not Lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...... It creates a hostile work environment.

------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Tony Collins 1073]

T he European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'..



In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and
keyboards kan have one less letter.





There will be growing public enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced
with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.



In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.



By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.



During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a
united urop vil finali kum tru.



Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

[Richard Sullivan]

A teacher at West Australian University reminded her pupils of tomorrow's final
exam.
"Now listen to me, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack, a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in
your immediate family, but thats it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-arsed Teenager at the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
happen if I came in tomorrow suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class was reduced to laughter and sniggering. When
silence was restored, the teacher smiled at the student, shook her head and
sweetly said, "Well, I would expect you to write the exam with your other
hand."

[Tony Collins 1073]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to
the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said:
"Father ... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our
neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide
her from the Nazis, so I hid her in my attic. "The priest replied:
"That was a wonderful thing you didand you have no need to
confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with certain
favours. This happened several times a week, and some times twice
on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did,
you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those
circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more
question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.







"Should I tell her the war is over?''





=

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from
the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My mate's missus left him last Thursday, she said she was going out for a pint of milk & never
came back!
I asked him how he was coping and he said,"Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The police came to my front door last night holding a picture of my wife.
They said, "Is this your wife, sir?"
Shocked, I answered, " Yes."
They said, "I'm afraid it looks like she's been hit by a bus."
I said, "I know, but she has a lovely personality."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Irishmen find a mirror in the road.
The first one picks it up & says, "Blow me I know this face but I cant put a name to it."
The second picks it up & says, "You daft **** it's me!"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Paddy's in jail. The Guard looks in his cell and see's him hanging by his feet.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"Hanging myself," Paddy replies.
"It should be round your neck," says the guard.
"I tried that," says Paddy, "but I couldn't breathe."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two lrishmen are hammering floorboards down in a house.
Paddy picks up a nail, realises it's upside down & throws it away.
He carries on doing this until Murphy says, "Why are you throwing them away?"
"Because they're upside down," says Paddy.
"You daft prat," replies Murphy, "save 'em for the ceiling!!"