Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

My wife hosted a dinner party for all our friends, some of whom we hadn't seen for ages and everyone was encouraged to bring their children along as well.

All throughout dinner my wife's best friend's four-year-old daughter stared at me as I sat
opposite her. The girl could hardly eat her food for staring. I checked my shirt for spots,
felt my face for food, and patted my hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at me.

I tried my best to just ignore her, but finally it was too much for me. I asked her,
"Why are you staring at me?"

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior, and the table went
quiet for her response.

The little girl said, "I was just waiting to see how you drink like a fish."

[Bob Thompson1894]

ah- that was me......

[paul needham]

IRISH DIESEL FITTER


Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment
office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher..
I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'
The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it
classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.
Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'
Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to
find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel
Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy.. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs,
then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'*

[paul needham]

£280,000 MORTGAGE

For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this
house is £280,000 and your mother just lost her job.
There's no way we can afford it.'
The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mum you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with a
£280,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!

[paul needham]

A Loving wife...


Husband lies dying, his wife is by his bedside.
He says in a weakened voice “There is something I must confess”.

“Shhhh” said the wife, “ there is nothing to confess”.

She holds his hand and caresses his head. “Everything is all right” she whispers.

“NO!!” the husband replied “ I must die in peace...I had sex with your sister, your best friend, her best friend and your best friend's mum!”

“I know,” she whispered, “That's why I poisoned you. Now close your eyes”....

[paul needham]

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak -the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...

Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....


FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly,

'How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?' I turned around and walked back out and never went back My husband didn't say a word..he knew better.


SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by

one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me.

Without thinking, I looked at him and said, 'I think I like playing with men's balls'


THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts.

As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, No, I'm just looking at your nuts.' My sister started to laugh hysterically.

The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.






FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said 'No' .. I kept thinking 'Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me.' Then I said, 'Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?' 'No,' he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time,
'Danny did you have an accident ? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled 'SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!' While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down.



An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked:

'So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?'



Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

[paul needham]

heres a dig at those to the north of sproutlandshire....



Police have just released details of a new drug craze that is being carried out in Yorkshire Nightclubs Apparently. Yorkshire club goers have started injecting Ecstasy just above their front teeth.

Police say the dangerous practice is called "e by gum"

..............................................................................

A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.

Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat."

Vet: "Is it a tom?"

Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us."

..............................................................................

A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.

Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"

Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?"

Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bugger!"

..............................................................................

The last is always best

Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar** cream?"

Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"

[paul needham]

How do you tell the difference between an English Police Officer, a Canadian Police Officer, an American Police Officer and a Scottish police officer?

QUESTION: You're on duty by yourself (don't ask why, you just are, and your Sergeant hates you) walking on a deserted street late at night.
Suddenly, an armed man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, raises the knife and lunges at you.
You are carrying your truncheon and are an expert in using it. However, you have only a split second to react before he reaches you. What do you do ?

ANSWER:

British Police Officer:

Firstly, the Officer must consider the man's human rights.

1) Does the man look poor or oppressed ?

2) Is he newly arrived in this country and does not yet understand the law ?

3) Is this really a knife or a ceremonial dagger ?

4) Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack ?

5) Am I dressed provocatively ?

6) Could I run away ?

7) Could I possibly swing my truncheon and knock the knife out of his hand ?

8) Should I try and negotiate with him to discuss his wrong-doings ?

9) Why am I carrying a truncheon anyway and what kind of message does this send to society ?

10) Does he definitely want to kill me or would he be content just to wound me ?

11) If I were to grab his knees and hold on, would he still want to stab and kill me ?

12) If I raise my truncheon and he turns and runs away, do I get blamed if he falls over, knocks his head and kills himself ?

13) If I hurt him and lose the subsequent court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and the loss of my family home ?















Canadian Police Officer:



BANG !



American Police Officer:

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !

'Click'...Reload...

BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG ! BANG !












Glasgow Police Officer:


"Haw, Jimmie..



Drop the knife, noo, unless you want it stuck up yer ****!"

[paul needham]

Special Package for Businessmen

An Airline introduced a special package for Business men.

Buy your ticket, get your wife's ticket free.

After great success, the company sent letters to all the wives

asking how was the trip.

All of them gave the same reply..."What trip?"




New SIM to Surprise Her Husband

Woman buys a new Sim Card. Puts it in her phone and decides

to surprise her husband who is seated on the couch in the living room.

She goes to the kitchen, calls her husband with the new number:

"Hello Darling."

The husband responds in a low tone:

"Let me call you back later Honey, my wife is in the kitchen.



Cool Message by a Wife

Dear Mother-in-law,

"Don't teach me how to handle my children, I'm living with

one of yours & he needs a lot of improvement"




Throwing Knives at Wife's Picture

Husband was throwing knives at his wife’s picture.

All the knives were missing the target!

Suddenly he received a call from her "Hi, what are you

doing?"

His honest reply, "MISSING YOU."




Habit of Talking in Sleep


A lady to doctor: My husband has a habit of talking in

his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?

Dr: Give him an opportunity to speak when he is awake.




Natural Disasters Just Happen

Nobody teaches volcanoes to erupt, tsunamis to devastate,

hurricanes to swirl around and no one teaches a man how

to choose a wife. Natural disasters just happen.




Your Husband Needs Rest

Doctor: Madam, your husband needs rest and peace,

so here are some sleeping pills.

Wife: Doc, when should I give them to him?

Doctor: They are for you !

[paul needham]

SQUEEZER

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing £1000 bet.
The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.

Many people had tried .... over time: weightlifters, dockers, etc., but nobody could do it.

One day, this scrawny little fellow came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a small voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said, "OK"; grabbed the lemon; and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little fellow. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence .... as the man clenched his little fist around the lemon .... and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the £1000, and asked the little man: "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"


The little fellow quietly replied: "I work for the Inland Revenue."

[paul needham]

The Silent Treatment...

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.
Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
'Please wake me at 5:00 AM '
He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.
Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.
The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.



WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and
Neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,
The husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied , 'in-laws''


WOMEN'S REVENGE..

'Cash, cheque or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.

As she fumbled for her wallet I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.

'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.

'No,' she replied, ' but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
And I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'







UNDERSTANDING WOMEN..
(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,
Pour it onto your leg, rip the hair out by the root,
And still be afraid of a spider..


W O R D S..

A husband read an article to his wife about how many words women use a day...
30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, 'The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men...
The husband then turned to his wife and asked, 'What?'


CREATION..

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
So stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.

' The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.

God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me.

God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you !!!


WHO DOES WHAT..

A man and his wife were having an argument about who
Should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first,
And then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'


The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and
You should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible
That the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament
And showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

[Scott Douglas]

Old MacDonald Had a Deformed Farm...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AmVHtADc9Sk&app=desktop

[paul needham]

Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling club.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a beer.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink that beer?'

'I recognise her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have that beer at the end of the 1st nine holes.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'

BOB's funeral will be on Friday.

[paul needham]

It was in Wallan , and the local policeman was making his evening rounds..
as he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car..

He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car or were they trying to steal it?

'Heavens no, we bought it.'

'Then why don't you drive it away.'

We can't drive.'

Then why did you buy it?'


'We were told that if we bought a Used car here
we'd get screwed .........so we're just waiting.

[paul needham]

The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."



A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bas##rd!"



The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."



The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten bas##rd!"



The judge stops and says to Paddy in the back of the courtroom. "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"



Paddy stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years I've lived next door to that ****, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."

[paul needham]

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When
asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every
problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on
and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and
unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got
up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced
and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised
eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The
therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs
at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
>
>
>
> "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play bowls.

[paul needham]

This explanes a lot....

[paul needham]

Scottish Husband ...

A thoughtful Scottish Husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his
way down to the local pub,

He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, ‘ Heather - put your hat
and coat on, lassie.’

She replied, 'Awe Jock that's nice - are you taking me tae the pub with you?
'

'Nay,’ Jock replied ‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

[paul needham]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djYz6p3i-t0

[paul needham]

Washington DC Airport Ticket Agent (unbelievable)]





A DC 'airport ticket agent' offers some examples of why the US is in so much trouble!

1..I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!)

2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Cape Town. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Cape Town is in Massachusetts ...''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in Massachusetts , Cape Town is in South Africa ..''
His response -- click..

3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'Don't lie to me!, I looked on the map, and Florida is a very THIN state!!'' (OMG)

4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see England from Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map'' (OMG, again!)

5. An aide for a cabinet member (Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas .. I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in Dallas ... When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh)

6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky) called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that.

7. A New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

He replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage..

8. A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii ?''

9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright from Ala. who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.''

10 Senator Dianne Feinstein called and said, ''I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola , Florida . Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to Pensacola and fly on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!''

11 Mary Landrieu, La. Senator, called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. "Oh, no I don't. I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!''

12 A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York .''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''

Now you know why the Government is in the shape it's in!

Could ANYONE be this DUMB?

YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED.

I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration. Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.