Aviation humour

[Peter Smedley]

P...pilot
S....service crew



P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.



P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

And the best one for last.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Dave Hayfield]

Was looking along the shelves of the Royal Navy bookshop at the naval base at Portsmouth. One shelf had a row of about 12 volumes of Anecdotes and Jokes from the Royal Navy. At the very end of the row was a book entitled Anecdotes and Jokes from the Royal Air Force. I looked through some of the Navy books and there were the usual hilarious tales from over the years but on opening the Royal Air Force book there were just blank pages. So they think that's funny, Hmmmmm.