Fun stuff goes here.

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 10th, 2018, 8:42 am

During my check-up I asked the Doctor, "Do you think I'll live a long and healthy life then?"
He replied, "I doubt it somehow. Mercury is in Uranus right now."
I said, "I don't go in for any of that astrology nonsense."
He replied, "Neither do I. My thermometer just broke."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 18th, 2018, 6:51 pm

Bit quiet on here innit.
Have a bit of a laugh. If you've seen it before you will still laugh again.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rNbXJUMkIxk

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 20th, 2018, 4:53 pm

Shoot or Don't Shoot???

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en-route home, he asks the cabby if he would be a witness, because the man suspects his wife is having an affair and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabby tip toe into the bedroom. The husband switches on the lights and yanks the blanket back. There is his wife, naked
as a jay bird, with a man, totally nude also.

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, "Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money".

"HE paid for the Porsche I gave you".

"HE paid for your new 25 ft. Ranger Fishing Boat.."

"HE paid for your Football season tickets.."

"HE paid for our house at the lake."

"HE paid for your Golf Trip to St Andrews and your new 4 x 4."

"HE paid for our country club membership and he even pays the monthly dues."

"And because of HIM, I can put an extra $2,000 in our checking account each month."

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun. He looks over at the cabby and says, 'What would you do'?

The cabby replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold."

Bob Thompson1894
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Bob Thompson1894 » March 20th, 2018, 8:32 pm

well done Tony! Love these...

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 23rd, 2018, 9:22 am

Model Airplanes from the 1930s-1960s

I know some on this forum will have experienced this first hand {me included] but I thought this
might make an interesting diversion.
Take note of safety standards in those days.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=slwnO2YTelQ
Last edited by Tony Collins 1073 on March 26th, 2018, 11:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 24th, 2018, 4:18 pm

My original sources of humour etc are no longer around. [We all get old don't we]
so I will be showing a few blasts from the past.

This is mythical and deep... truly beautiful...


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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.

He replied, "She called Five Horses".

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The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

In3.jpg
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". . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 26th, 2018, 10:58 am

The Schnauzer
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My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to a pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to her local pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 26th, 2018, 11:01 am




A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a

street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into

his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out,

and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look

about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again -

much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!"

says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man

smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.

Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin

and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having

sex wiffa wife's sista!"



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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 27th, 2018, 6:25 pm

THE NEVER ENDING SOAP OPERA OF MARGARET & BERT]
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Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing

some on sale, he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife,

"Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."

Frustrated, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into

the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything

different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan, "Bert, what's different?

It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down

again tomorrow."

Furious, Bert yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN,

MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue", she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied, "Shoulda bought a hat, Bert.

Shoulda bought a hat."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 29th, 2018, 7:38 pm


Stuttering Group
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting absolutely nowhere with her Stammerer's Action Group.

She had tried every technique in the book, but still they stammered and stuttered.
Finally, totally exasperated, she said :

"If any of you can tell me where you were born, without stuttering,
I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles ache and your eyes water."

The Englishman immediately piped up:
"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham"

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out :
"G-g-g-g-g-g-gl-lasgow".

That's no better either, Hamish.

Now, how about you, Paddy?

The Irishman took a deep breath, counted to 5 and eventually blurted out :
" London "..

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said;








”d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 29th, 2018, 7:43 pm

....
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 31st, 2018, 9:10 pm

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby. The nurse brings out a lovely, healthy, bouncy,
but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents...
'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says,
'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, So I think we will name him...

Are you ready for this?


















SUM TING WONG



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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 31st, 2018, 9:57 pm

A man is driving
along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the
road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.

The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD
.The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry.
A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over.

She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.

"I feel terrible,"! he explains, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny with my car and KILLED HIM."

The blonde says,"Don't worry."
She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can.
She walks over to the limp, dead Easter Bunny , bends down, and sprays the contents onto him.


The Easter Bunny jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road.
Ten feet away he stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another
10 feet, turns and waves,
hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats
this again and again and again and again, until he hops out of sight..

The man
is astonished.
He runs over to the woman and demands,

"What is
in that can? What did you spray on the Easter Bunny?"

The woman
turns the can around so that the man can read the label.

It says..



(Are
you ready for this?)

(You know
you're gonna be sorry)

(Last
chance)


(OK,
here it is)


It
says,


"Hair Spray
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 3rd, 2018, 12:39 pm

Two Clever Nuns.


There were two nuns

One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).

It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.

SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.

SL: It's logical. He wants to have his way with us.

SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?

SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

A little while later...

SM: It's not working.

SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too

SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.

SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.

So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.

Then Sister Logical arrives.

SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me what happened!

SL: The only logical thing happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?

SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.

SM: And?

SL : The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM : Oh, dear! What did you do?

SL : The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up.

SM : Oh, Sister! What did the man do?

SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants

SM: Oh, no! What happened then?

SL : Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.




And for those of you who thought it would be dirty,

Say two Hail Marys!

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 5th, 2018, 8:58 am

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"


His wife replied "Marie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a headache;
I do not have a headache,

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"It Worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"


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he husband agrees to try it.




Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says,


"Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says,


"Don't move! I will be right back.."


He goes back into the bathroom,

Comes back and round two was even better than the first time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife..."
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paul smith
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul smith » April 7th, 2018, 9:00 pm

heres summit i thought you may like

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LkKmUehtvCc

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 7th, 2018, 11:43 pm



It took 50 yrs. but she’s been found!




"Where have all the flowers gone?....long time passing.... "
thanks Peter, Paul & Mary for the song with Pete Seeger’s words


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Have you ever wondered what happened





To all those really cute and
crazy, good-looking, barefoot, young hippie chicks

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Who didn't wear bras, smoked
weed, got tattooed,


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And had sex with every guy they met during that great
Age of Aquarius back in the 60s?
Well, wonder no more!




I found her.



scroll down….










scroll




scroll down….













scroll down….










scroll down….


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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 9th, 2018, 4:45 pm

A friend's wife said to him,



"Honey, get off your fat ass and fix that gutter downspout!

We've had that on our to do list for an age, and I want it done before the end of the day!"




Well, as you all know, at our age, my friend, and most of our friends, are retired and do have the time to address such "Honey do's"….




So, he invited some neighborhood buddies over to help with the project.




One is a sheet metal fabricator.




One brought his welder.




One brought beer and Nachos.



One brought a grill and burgers.



Took us about 6 hours, and 30-40 beers, but we got it done just as we finished off the last of the beer and burgers.



As usual, the wife is still not happy !!



Can't understand, cause all us guys love it!



Personally, I cannot wait for it to rain.
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 12th, 2018, 5:35 pm

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer

to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,

waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."





(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 12th, 2018, 5:56 pm

True story

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A guy who lives at Round Lake, Sask. Canada, (50 miles South of Yorkton) saw a ball bouncing around kind of strangely in the lake and went to investigate.

It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface.

The guy tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the starving catfish.


You probably wouldn't have believed this,
if you hadn't seen the following pictures...
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Be kinder than necessary.
'Cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Think about it!



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