Fun stuff goes here.

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 14th, 2018, 5:23 am

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door, she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please ..... Do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 14th, 2018, 5:25 am

realize the extent of your own ignorance. - Thomas Sowell

When NASA started sending astronauts into space they quickly discovered that ball-point pens would not work in zero gravity.

To fix this problem, Congress approved a program and NASA scientists spent a decade and over $165 million developing a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, on almost any surface and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to over 300 C.

The Russians used a pencil...

Your taxes are due again in April!

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 15th, 2018, 9:11 am

As I Get Older



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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 15th, 2018, 9:12 am

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 19th, 2018, 8:23 am

JEWISH CABBIE

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A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.
He made no attempt to start the cab. The woman glared back at him and said,
"What's wrong with you, honey? Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady. I vasn't staring at you like you tink; dat vould not be proper."

The woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or my butt, sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her, "Vell...... M'am, I am looking and I am looking, and I am tinking to myself, vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?"






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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 19th, 2018, 8:44 am

Subject: The Talking Dog Joke.!

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A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

"Yes," the Labrador replies.

After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."

The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young.

I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country,

sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".

"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down.

I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".

"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10!!? But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying ****, he's never been out of the garden."


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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 22nd, 2018, 7:26 am

It Didn't take long.


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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 22nd, 2018, 7:39 am

How do you know when it is time to

"hang up the car keys"?

I say when your dog has this look on his face!


A picture is worth a thousand words!
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 26th, 2018, 9:41 pm

SURGEONS

Three New York surgeons were playing golf together and discussing surgeries they had performed.



One of them said, 'I'm the best surgeon in the state. In my favourite case, a concert pianist lost seven fingers in an accident; I re-attached them, and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of England'.

The second surgeon said. 'That's nothing. A young man lost an arm and both legs in an accident; I reattached them, and 2 years later he won a gold Medal in track and field events in the Olympics'.

The third surgeon said, 'You guys are amateurs. Several years ago a man was high on cocaine and marijuana and he rode a horse head-on into a train, travelling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to work with was the man's blonde hair and the horse's ass.
I was able to put them together and now he's president of the USA'!



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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 26th, 2018, 10:09 pm

THIS IS A
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NEVER

NEVER

NEVER

HOLD A FART

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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 28th, 2018, 4:23 pm

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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 28th, 2018, 4:43 pm

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » April 30th, 2018, 11:06 pm

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Gotta love us seniors
During a visit to my doctor, I asked him,
"How do you determine whether or not an older person should be put in an old age home?"
"Well," he said, "we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the person to empty the bathtub."
"Oh, I understand," I said. "A normal person would use the bucket because it is bigger than the spoon or the teacup.."
"No" he said. "A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?"

ARE YOU GOING TO CARRY ON OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO MINE? :

MORE BELOW

A short neurological test

1- Find the C below.. Please do not use any cursor help.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

2- If you already found the C, now find the 6 below.

9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
6999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999999

3 - Now find the N below. It's a little more difficult.

MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMNMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

This is NOT a joke. If you were able to pass these 3 tests, you can cancel your annual visit to your neurologist. Your brain is great and you're far from having a close relationship with Alzheimer.

Congratulations!
Oh. One more test.... Find the 44th USA President.

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Well, congratulations, you're not colour blind either!

SENIOR CITIZENS
ARE THE NATION'S LEADING CARRIERS OF AIDS !
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HEARING AIDS
BAND AIDS
ROLL AIDS
WALKING AIDS
MEDICAL AIDS
GOVERNMENT AIDS
MOST OF ALL, MONETARY AIDS TO THEIR KIDS !

Not forgetting HIV ( Hair is Vanishing)

In short, Life is like having a hot bath,
the longer your in it the more wrinkled you get

If you're not OLD, YOU'LL get there one day !
The only way is up

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » May 12th, 2018, 10:57 am

IRISH versus THE FRENCH!

The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.
Last edited by Tony Collins 1073 on May 12th, 2018, 11:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » May 12th, 2018, 10:59 am

Never, Never,



EVER ...



and I repeat



EVER


Tell A Woman



She Can't Cook !




*
*
*




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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » May 21st, 2018, 6:43 pm

wee plumbing ones




Plumber of the Year Awards

Was the measure once cut twice, or measure twice cut once?
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Hmmmmm…
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Should have measured twice!
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Apparently, you don’t want anyone seeing
your face, but everything else is okay?
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The oak seat is a nice touch, though
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And the purpose for the door is?
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This stall is for people that have REALLY long arms.
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This would be the “half bath” noted in the real estate listing?
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Very Classy! And, only three steps to the throne when you’re in a hurry!

How does this even get past the planning phase?
And now drum roll please…
AND THE PLUMBER OF THE YEAR AWARD GOES TO:

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Absolutely brilliant…


FYI … ALL OF THESE PLUMBERS ARE THANKFULLY NO LONGER IN THE BUSINESS.
THEY HAVE BEEN ELECTED TO PUBLIC OFFICE AND NOW SERVE IN VARIOUS POSITIONS IN THE GOVERNMENT

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » May 28th, 2018, 11:49 am

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Villagers On The Loose.
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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » May 30th, 2018, 10:08 pm

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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 17th, 2018, 10:32 pm

Subject: Drinking with Yorkshire Lass.!

A Romanian, an Arab
and a Yorkshire Lass are in the same bar
When the Romanian finishes his beer
he throws his glass in the air, pulls out
his pistol and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says,
'In Romania
our glasses are so
cheap we don't need
to drink with the same one twice'

The Arab,
obviously impressed by this,
drinks his non-alcoholic beer
(cuz he's a Muslim!),
throws it into the air,
pulls out his
AK-47 and shoots
the glass to pieces.
He says 'In the
Arab world, we have
so much sand to make
glasses that we don't
need to drink with
the same one twice either'



The Yorkshire Lass,
cool as a cucumber,
picks up her beer,
downs it in one gulp,
throws the glass into
the air, whips out her
Colt 45 and shoots the
Romanian and the Arab.


Catching her glass,
setting it on the bar and calling
for a refill,
she says 'In Yorkshire
we have so many
illegal immigrants that
we don't have to
drink with the same ones twice'


God Bless Yorkshire !!

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » August 7th, 2018, 10:22 am

Diamond D's brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to increase their ever-growing business.

In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding -- with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church

Work on Diamond D's progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground!

After the brothel burned to the ground by the lightning strike, the church folks were rather smug in their outlook, bragging about "the power of prayer."

But late last week, 'Big Jugs' Jill Diamond, the owner/madam, sued the church, the preacher and the entire congregation on the grounds that the church...... "was ultimately responsible for the demise of her building and her business -- either through direct or indirect divine actions or means."

In its reply to the court, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or any connection to the building's demise.

The crusty old judge read through the plaintiff's complaint and the defendant's reply, and at the opening hearing he commented,

"I don't know how the hell I'm going to decide this case, but it appears from the paperwork, that we now have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer.... and an entire church congregation that thinks it's all bull---t."



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