Fun stuff goes here.

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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » October 16th, 2020, 10:18 am

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Tony Collins 1073
Posts: 848
Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » October 16th, 2020, 10:23 am

If anyone is going to make a face mask out of an old bra, make sure you use the left cup.

You don’t want to go out looking like a right tit.



Tony Collins 1073
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Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 1st, 2020, 10:29 am

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey. He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison so, the old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,

I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year.

I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like the old days.

Love, Papa

A few days later he received a letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried.

Love, Vinnie

At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area

without finding any bodies. They apologised to the old man and left. That same day the old

man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,

Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.

Love you,

Vinnie


Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 4th, 2020, 8:16 pm


Try this math trick.


It will take you approximately ten seconds and, amazingly, it will
reveal your all-time favorite movie. I did it in my head, then on
paper, and finally on a calculator just to confirm my mathematical
calculations. Each time I got the same answer, and sure enough, it is
my very favourite movie...EVER! DO NOT cheat. DO YOUR math, THEN
compare the results on the list of movies at the bottom. You will be
AMAZED at how scary true and accurate this test is:

1. Pick a number from 1-9.

2. Multiply that number by 3

3. Add 3.

4. Multiply by 3 again.

5. Your total will be a two digit number. Add the first and second
digits together to find your favourite movie (of all time) in the list
of 20 Movies, below.












Movie List:

1. Gone With the Wind

2. ET.

3. Blazing Saddles

4. Star Wars

5. Forrest Gump

6. The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly

7. Jaws


8. Grease


9. The Donald Trump Resignation Speech

10. Casablanca

11. Jurassic Park

12. Shrek

13. Pirates of the Caribbean

14. Titanic

15. Raiders of the Lost Ark

16. Home Alone

17. Mrs. Doubtfire

18. Al Jolson Story


19. Wizard of Oz

20.Singing in the Rain




Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 17th, 2020, 8:44 am

Tuesday Jokes.

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Last edited by Tony Collins 1073 on November 17th, 2020, 9:12 am, edited 1 time in total.

Tony Collins 1073
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Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 17th, 2020, 8:52 am

...
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 21st, 2020, 3:52 pm

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

To me, "drink responsibly" means don't spill it.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 pm is the new midnight.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

It's the start of a brand new day, and I'm off like a herd of turtles.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I say, "The other day," I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I still remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I had my patience tested. I'm negative.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn't fit any of your containers.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

If you're sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say,

"Did you bring the money?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say "nothing," it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing,

and intend to continue.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I run like the winded.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don't know whose side I'm on.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, "Why, what did you hear?"

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

* * * * * * * * * * * *

I don't mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

When I ask for directions, please don't use words like "east."

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Don't bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That'll freak you right out.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life out of nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever.

We call those people cops.

* * * * * * * * * * * *

My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.








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[b][i]

Tony Collins 1073
Posts: 848
Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
Location: Braintree. Many Miles from any "Large Model" club
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » January 31st, 2021, 7:51 am

By Pam Ayres


I'm normally a social girl
I love to meet my mates
But lately with the vi­rus here
We can't go out the ga­tes
You see, we are the 'o­ldies' now
We need to stay inside
If they haven't seen us for a while
Th­ey'll think we've up­ped and died
Th­ey'll never know the things we did
Be­fore we got this old
Th­ere wasn't any Faceb­ook
So not everything was told
We may seem sweet old ladies
Who would never be unc­outh
But we grew up in the 60s -
If you only knew the truth!
We smoked, we drank, we partied
And were quite outrage­ous flirts
Th­en we settled down, got married
And turned into someon­e's mum,
So­mebody's wife, then nanna,
Who on earth did we be­come?
We didn't mind the cha­nge of pace
Be­cause our lives were full,
But to bury us before we're dead
Is like a red rag to a bull!
So here you find me st­uck inside,
For four weeks, maybe more.
I finally found myself again
Th­en I had to close the door!
It didn’t really bother me
I'd while away the hour.
I'd bake for all the family
But I've got no flaming flour!
Now Netflix is just wo­nderful
I like a gutsy thriller
I'm swooning over Idris
Or some random sexy ki­ller
At least I've got a st­ash of booze
For when I'm being idle
Th­ere's wine and whisk­y, even gin
If I'm feeling suicida­l!
So let's all drink to lockdown
To recovery and health
And hope this awful vi­rus
Do­esn't decimate our wealth
We­'ll all get through the crisis
And be back to join our mates
Ju­st hoping I'm not far too wide
To fit through the fla­ming gates!


Tony Collins 1073
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Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
Location: Braintree. Many Miles from any "Large Model" club
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 4th, 2021, 3:36 pm

Did I read that sign right?
“TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.”

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE
ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT Goes out


In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS...

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS
WILL BE TAKEN.

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK, STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT
AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.


Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC..
WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS...

Spotted in a safari park:
(I sure hope so.)
ELEPHANTS, PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR.

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T
KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR.

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE
FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

Message on a leaflet:
IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL
YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON
THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK.)


Proofreading is a dying art, wouldn't you say?

MAN KILLS IMSELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER
This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realized that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says
Really? Ya' think?

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS
Now that's taking things a bit far!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
PANDA MATING FAILS; KEEPER TO TAKE OVER
What a guy!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT
See if that works better than a fair trial!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE
I can see where it might have that effect!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
IF STRIKE ISN'T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST A WHILE.
Ya' think?!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES
Who would have thought!

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ENFIELD COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE
They may be on to something!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
MANS TRUCK BY LIGHTNING FACES BATTERY CHARGE
He probably IS the battery charge!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
NEW STUDY OF OBESITY LOOKS FOR LARGER TEST GROUP
Weren't they fat enough?!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS I SPACESHIP
That's what he gets for eating those beans!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS
Do they taste like chicken?

*******************************************l*************************************
LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROP-OUTS ARE CUT IN HALF.
Chainsaw Massacre all over again!

**********************************************************************************************
HOSPITAL IS SUED BY 7FT DOCTORS
Boy, are they tall!

***********************************************************************************************
AND THE WINNER IS...
Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
Did I read that right?

*********************************************************************************************


We all need a good laugh now and then.

Tony Collins 1073
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Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
Location: Braintree. Many Miles from any "Large Model" club
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 11th, 2021, 9:39 am

It would seem that as most views are coming overnight that we have support from overseas.
It would be great if this thread was supported more by our own lads.
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Tony Collins 1073
Posts: 848
Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
Location: Braintree. Many Miles from any "Large Model" club
Contact:

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 17th, 2023, 8:47 pm

Wow, it's been a long time hasn't it. When I last posted the views were on 1/2 a million.
Now over 783,000 views and not one posting since my last one. A lot of taking and no giving back. :(

Anyway just in case someone might feel like contributing, here is one to get you going. [Hopefully]





A battalion of British soldiers arrive at their destination in a tropical country.

Next morning, on Parade and being briefed of their assignments, the Medical Officer

takes over and says:

“Men, you are now in a country of tropical conditions. Diseases abound here you have never even heard of.

I strongly advise you not to fraternize with the female population because you could ruin the rest of your life

for the sake of half an hour’s pleasure.

Anyone with questions to ask report to the Medical Centre. DISMISSED!”.



The MO returns to the Medical Centre and soon he detects the sound of many feet on the ground outside.

Immediately there is knock on the door and the Regimental Sergant Major enters, saluting the MO.

“Sir, I have a question to ask on behalf of the battalion”.

“Go ahead RSM, what is it?”







“Sir, how do you make the pleasure last half an hour?” :lol: :lol:



Steve Mansell
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Joined: March 1st, 2012, 11:59 pm
Location: Farnborough, Kent
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Mansell » June 17th, 2023, 9:45 pm

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress
Halloween party.
The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went..

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice 'chick' he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there.

His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight , she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.

'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'

He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.'

'You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied,

'Actually, I gave my costume to my Dad

.... apparently he had the time of his life."

Tony Collins 1073
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Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » June 17th, 2023, 11:29 pm

Nice one Steve :lol: Now you've set the ball rolling lets hope for a few more lads [or lasses] who have something up their sleeves.

Steve Mansell
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Joined: March 1st, 2012, 11:59 pm
Location: Farnborough, Kent
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Mansell » June 27th, 2023, 8:35 pm

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately needed to fart.
The music was really, really loud, so I timed my farts with the beat of the music.
After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....



Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

Stuart Solomon
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Joined: December 10th, 2008, 2:13 pm
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Stuart Solomon » June 28th, 2023, 2:53 pm

A guy is on a nudist beach, takes all his clothes off and lays on a sunbed to get a tan. It's the middle of a heatwave and he falls asleep. When he wakes up he realizes that he has been sunburnt all over including his willy. He's in a lot of discomfort. He sees his pal in the pub that night and tells him about his burned willy. His pal says that the best thing for that is to dip it in milk, that will ease it and take the pain away. He goes home after a couple of pints. He goes into the kitchen, gets the milk out of the fridge, pours some into a bowl and dips his willy into the milk, aahh he says, that's better. At that very moment his wife walks in, sees what he's doing and says, goodness ! is that how you refill it.

Tony Collins 1073
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Joined: December 6th, 2008, 10:00 am
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » December 5th, 2023, 12:27 pm



UPS AIR CARGO:

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS ' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
*
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search
*
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.



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