Fun stuff goes here.

[martin collins]

Subject: OLD STORY - TWO VERSIONS





OLD VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his
house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away...

Come winter, the ant is warm and well fed.

The grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be responsible for yourself!


MODERN VERSION

The ant works hard in the withering heat and the rain all summer long,
building his house and laying up supplies for the winter.

The grasshopper thinks the ant is a
fool and laughs and dances and plays the summer away.

Come winter, the shivering grasshopper calls
a press conference and demands to know why the ant should allowed to be warm and well fed while he is cold and starving.
BBC, ITV AND SKY show up to provide pictures of the shivering grasshopper next to a video of the ant in his comfortable home with a table filled with food.

Britain is stunned by the sharp contrast.

How can this be, that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so?

Kermit the Frog appears on GMTV with the grasshopper and
everybody cries when they sing, 'It's Not Easy Being Green.'

LIBERTY stages a demonstration in front of the ant's house
where the TV news crews film the group singing, "We shall overcome." Then Dr John Centime has the group kneel down to pray to God for the grasshopper's sake.

The prime minister, Gordon Brown,condemns the ant and blames
President Bush, Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill, and the Pope for the grasshopper's plight.

Shami Chakrabarti & Dianne Abbott exclaim in an interview with Jeremy Paxman that the ant has gotten rich off the back of
the grasshopper, and both call for an immediate tax hike on the ant to make him pay his fair share.

Finally, the EUROPEAN UNION drafts the Economic Equity &
Anti-Grasshopper Act retroactive to the beginning of the summer.

The ant is fined for failing to hire a proportionate number of ‘greEN’ bugs and, having nothing left to pay his retroactive taxes, his home
is confiscated by the Government Green Czar and given to the grasshopper.

The story ends as we see the grasshopper and his free-loading friends finishing up the last bits of the ant's food while the government house he is in, which, as you recall, just happens to be the ant's old house, crumbles around them because the grasshopper doesn't maintain it.

The ant has disappeared in the snow, never to be seen again.

The grasshopper isfound dead in a drug related incident, and the house, now abandoned, is taken over by a gang of spiders who
terrorize the ramshackle, once prosperous and once peaceful, neighborhood........The entire Nation collapses bringing the rest of the free world with it.

MORAL OF THE STORY:
Be careful how you vote in 2010.

I've sent this to you because I believe that you are an ant - not a grasshopper!
Make sure that you pass this on to other ants. Don't bother sending it on to any grasshoppers because they wouldn't understand it anyway..

[Tony Collins 1073]

Amazing mechanical/engineering publicity stunt for a German Heavy Equipment Manufacturing Company .. 99 % of the running commentary is in German but you will have no problem grasping the intensity of the stunt or the absolute confidence in his machine the operating engineer displays ... notice there is no safety harness or other provision readily apparent in the event of failure .. if you think you've seen "everything" just wait for the "finale" .. .. it is a youtube presentation ... Just copy and paste the link into your address bar.




You will need a good ten minutes for this but stay with it- you won't believe what you see.

Leave it to German engineering...

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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RobaJKGMMiE

[Tony Collins 1073]

Whether Conservative, or Labour , I think you'll get a kick out of this!


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'
Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way, I am the head of the
family, so call me The Prime Minister.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.

The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he
gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy.
So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.

Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding
the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now. '
The father says, 'Good, son, tell me
in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies


'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government
is sound asleep.

The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep ****.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

My apologies for the above link not working. It has now been corrected and is a live link. It is well worth watching.

[Tony Collins 1073]

[Maximum power: 108,920 hp at 102 rpm
Maximum torque: 5,608,312 lb/ft at 102rpm

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The Wartsila-Sulzer RTA96-C turbocharged two-stroke diesel engine is the most powerful and most efficient prime-mover in the world today. The Aioi Works of Japan's Diesel United, Ltd built the first engines and is where some of these pictures were taken. It is available in 6 through 14 cylinder versions, all are inline engines. These engines were designed primarily for very large container ships. Ship owners like a single engine/single propeller design and the new generation of larger container ships needed a bigger engine to propel them. The cylinder bore is just under 38" and the stroke is just over 98". Each cylinder displaces 111,143 cubic inches (1820 liters) and produces 7780 horsepower. Total displacement comes out to 1,556,002 cubic inches (25,480 liters) for the fourteen cylinder version.
Some facts on the 14 cylinder version:

Total engine weight:


2300 tons (The crankshaft alone weighs 300 tons.)

Length:
89 feet

Height:
44 feet

Maximum power:
108,920 hp at 102 rpm

Maximum torque:
5,608,312 lb/ft at 102 rpm

Fuel consumption at maximum power is 0.278 lbs per hp per hour (Brake Specific Fuel Consumption). Fuel consumption at maximum economy is 0.260 lbs/hp/hour. At maximum economy the engine exceeds 50% thermal efficiency. That is, more than 50% of the energy in the fuel in converted to motion. For comparison, most automotive and small aircraft
engines have BSFC figures in the 0.40-0.60 lbs/hp/hr range and 25-30% thermal efficiency range. Even at its most efficient power setting, the big 14 consumes 1,660 gallons of heavy
fuel oil per hour.
A cross section of the RTA96C:

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[The internals of this engine are a bit different than most automotive engines.
The top of the connecting rod is not attached directly to the piston. The top
of the connecting rod attaches to a "crosshead" which rides in guide channels.
A long piston rod then connects the crosshead to the piston. I assume this is
done so the the sideways forces produced by the connecting rod are absorbed
by the crosshead and not by the piston. Those sideways forces are what
makes the cylinders in an auto engine get oval-shaped over time.
Installing the "thin-shell" bearings. Crank & rod journals are 38" in diameter
and 16" wide:

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[
The crank sitting in the block (also known as a "gondola-style" bedplate). This is a 10
cylinder version. Note the steps by each crank throw that lead down into the crankcase:

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[A piston & piston rod assembly. The piston is at the top. The large square
plate at the bottom is where the whole assembly attaches to the crosshead:

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Some pistons:
And some piston rods:

[Tony Collins 1073]

Engine continued

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The "spikes" on the piston rods are hollow tubes that go into the holes you can see on
the bottom of the pistons (left picture) and inject oil into the inside of the piston which
keeps the top of the piston from overheating. Some high-performance auto engines have
a similar feature where an oil squirter nozzle squirts oil onto the bottom of the piston.
The cylinder deck (10 cylinder version). Cylinder liners are die-cast ductile cast iron.
Look at the size of those head studs!!!:

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The first completed 12 cylinder engine:


BIG ISN'T THE WORD FOR THIS MONSTER!

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[Tony Collins 1073]

This is mythical and deep... truly beautiful...

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A man asked an American Indian what was his wife's name.


He replied, "She called Five Horses".

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The man said, "That's an unusual name for your wife.

What does it mean?"

The Old Indian answered, "It old Indian Name. It mean . . .

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". . . NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG, NAG,"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Bacon Tree


Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says.........

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. "

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis mi amigo... what ees it? "

"Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees a ham bush...."




And I bet you tried to do the accent didn't you - I know you did!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Geography Explained

[Tony Collins 1073]

CURTAIN RODS---PRICELESS




He spent the first day packing his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.

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On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things.

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On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candle-light, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water.

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When he had finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods.

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He then cleaned up the kitchen and left... When the wife returned with her new boyfriend,
all was bliss for the first few days.
Then slowly, the house began to smell.
They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned.

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Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked!!!

People stopped coming over to visit.
Repairmen refused to work in the house.
The maid quit.

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Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not
find a buyer for their stinky house.
Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls.

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They then had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.

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The ex-husband called the lady and asked how things were going.
She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for getting his house back.
Knowing her ex-husband had no idea how bad the smell was, she agreed on a price that was about 1/10 th of what the house had been worth, but only if he were to sign the papers that very day.
He agreed and within the hour her lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later the lady and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home.....


And to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods.
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?

[Bob Thompson1894]

love this!

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[Gregg Veasey]

lucky lucky people


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qKcFPnS9r8Y&feature=player_embedded

[ian redshaw]

Gregg, the last one in that clip is an absolute classic

Brilliant!!!!

Ian.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Only in Britain –

complaints to
councils

Extracts from letters written
to local councils:





1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off..

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

23. He's got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Grandmas boyfriend


A 5-year-old boy went to visit his grandmother one day.
Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said,
'Grandma, how come you don't have a boyfriend now that Grandpa went to heaven?'

Grandma replied, 'Honey, my TV is my boyfriend.
I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long.
The religious programs make me feel good and the comedies make me laugh
... I'm happy with my TV as my boyfriend.'

Grandma turned on the TV, and the reception was terrible.
She started
adjusting the knobs, trying to get the picture in focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.

The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door and there stood Grandma's minister.
The minister said, 'Hello son, is your Grandma home?'

The little boy replied, 'Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend.'

The minister fainted.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Never seen a Flow Chart described so clearly..

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When top level guys look down, they see only ****;
When bottom level guys look up, they see only assholes...

[Tony Collins 1073]

The European Debt Crisis Explained


http://www.coordinationproblem.org/2010 ... ained.html

[Gregg Veasey]

Latest product from .............. (insert manufacturer!)

[Stuart Solomon]

Looks like a Dave Johnson build. Was just sticks and string when he started building.