Postby Tony Collins 1073 » December 7th, 2009, 9:02 pm
So Paddy asks Murphy: "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards
off their boats?"
To which Murphy replies,"Well if they fell forwards
they'd still be in the *******g boat!"
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The Fire Fighters.
One dark night outside a small town near Christchurch ( N.Z.), a fire started inside
the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive
flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company
President rushed to the fireman in charge and said, 'All our secret formulas
are in the vault in the centre of the plant. They must be saved. I will give
$50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.'
But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire
Departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the
firemen arrived, the President shouted out that the offer was now $100,000
to the fire station who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into
sight. It was the nearby Maori rural township volunteer fire company
composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that
little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that
were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right
In the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a
performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved
the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that
for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked
over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking
their chief, 'What are you going to do with all that money?'
'Well,' said Rangi, the 70-year-old fire chief, 'The first thing we
gonna do is fix the brakes on that $/&%X*z\ng truck!
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A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
Couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news'.
'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news
first?'
The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
Of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.
The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we've brought you your share.'
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.
'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and
All that... So what's the other possible good news?
'Well', the Sarge says, 'if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and
pull her up again!
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In the fun world of the administration of justice, not all the laughs are in the court-room. Indeed, giggles and guffaws can erupt at almost any time or place.
For example:
On a bitterly cold winter's day several years ago in northern British Columbia, a RCMP constable on patrol came across a motorcyclist, who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside. "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.
"Carburettor's frozen," was the terse reply.
"Pee on it. That'll thaw it out."
"Can't."
"OK, Watch me and I will show you."
The constable lubricated the carburetor, as promised. The bike started and the rider drove off, waving. A few days later, the detachment office received a note of thanks from the father of the motorbike rider.
It began:
"On behalf of my daughter, who recently was stranded ...."
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If you enjoy these pages and would like to see them continue, please feel free to contribute. How often have you come on to the forum previously and had that empty feeling when you left [Unlike the old days]
A smile a day keeps the doctor away.
