Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls.

So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.

Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style. You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two
sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have
all the babes ya want!'

The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedos,
and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by,
Covering their faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back
to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'

'JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard,
'Maaaaate. ...........The potato goes in the front!'

[paul needham]

This is probably worse than stuffing a plane in the ground when someone is watching....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ra-cEPTUQNs

[paul needham]

Not your every day thing in the UK.....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O9j3qhXXJrE

[paul needham]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony. The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.
She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

”Feels great”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”!

[paul needham]

suppose this is whats known as job satisfaction....

[paul needham]

BRIAN
A man walked out to the street and caught a taxi just going by. He got into the taxi, and the cabbie said, "Perfect timing. You're just like Brian"


Passenger: "Who?"


Cabbie: "Brian Sullivan. He's a guy who did everything right all the time. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happen like that to Brian Sullivan, every single time."


Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody."


Cabbie: "Not Brian Sullivan. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy."


Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special."


Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Brian Sullivan, he could do everything right."


Passenger: "Wow. Some guy then."


Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Brian, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Brian Sullivan."


Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"


Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Brian. He died. I'm married to his
F****ing' widow."

[Ken Bones]

I don't get it

Bonzey

[Denis Brown]

Sorry to hear that Bonzey.

You would do better writing to an agony Aunt in the Daily Mirror than letting everyone on here know

[chris willis]

Sorry to hear that Bonzey.

You would do better writing to an agony Aunt in the Daily Mirror than letting everyone on here know

[Ken Bones]

Den, better not go getting rude. I will get in trouble again!
Bonzey

[paul needham]

THE NUN AND THE HIPPIE

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun.
He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God."
She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:
"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver.
"She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, So all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, Put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, And pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

The hippie decides to give it a try, and arrives in the cemetery dressed as suggested on the next Tuesday night.

"I am God," he declares to the nun, keeping the hood low about his Face.
"Have sex with me."

The nun agrees without question,
But begs him to restrict himself to anal sex,
As she is desperate not to lose her virginity.

'God' agrees, and promptly has his wicked way with her.
As he finishes, he jumps up and throws back his hood with a flourish.

"Ha-ha," he cries. "I'm the hippie!"

"Ha-ha," cries the nun. "I'm the bus driver!

[paul needham]

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex!
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot
dead by the woman's husband!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal
immigrants come to Britain so that they can see
their own doctor.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is
cancelling all production of humus and
Taramasalata.
It's a double dip recession

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor
and asks
"I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies
"Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook
status as:
"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather
than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap
top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off
to her mum's.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a
kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the
motorway. Policeman says
"Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says:
"Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood
pouring from them.
"B*ll*KS to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I
go lion dancing"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[paul needham]

Claude and Maude



They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company.

After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town.

Despite his age, they ended at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.....


Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was still a virgin, I'd have been gentler.'

Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken my tights off '

[paul needham]

Most people nowadays think it improper to discipline children,
so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had
one of 'those moments'


Since I'm a pilot, one that I have found very effective is for me to just
take the child for a flight during which I say nothing and give the
child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.


I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines,
or just the time away from any distractions such as
TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc.
Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving
after our flight together.




I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is
an important element in achieving the desired results.
I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son,
in case you would like to use the technique...




SHOULD WORK WITH GRANDKIDS ALSO.

[paul needham]

IKEA HAS ANNOUNCED ITS INTENTION TO SELL CARS.
SOME OF US ARE GOING TO BE IN DEEP S...T.

Just as I figured - battery not included!

[paul needham]

Suppose the time this invention saves could be put to good use, like building.

How much time have you wasted clipping one toenail at a time? You'll never get those minutes of your life back. But you don't have to waste any more.

Have you ever clipped your toenails too far and they hurt for like forever? That's going to happen a lot more now. You may even lose some toe meat. It will be worth it though. You'll be able to take one more cat nap with the minutes you'll save over a lifetime.

[paul needham]

AUSTRALIAN DAUGHTER'S LETTER.





An Australian father goes into his daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter addressed to “Mum and Dad” on the bed . With a heavy heart he opens it and reads:



Dear Mum & Dad,

It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I’ve eloped with my new boyfriend . I’ve found real love and he is so nice . Especially with all his piercings, scars, tattoos and his big motorcycle .

But it’s not only that, I’m pregnant, and Ahmed said that we will be very happy in his caravan in the bush . He wants to have many more children with me and that’s one of my dreams too .

I’ve learned that marijuana does not hurt anyone and we’ll be growing it for us and Ahmed’s friends . They’re the ones providing us with all the cocaine and ecstasy we could ever want .

In the meantime we’ll pray for science to find a cure for AIDS, so Ahmed can get better . He deserves it .

Don’t worry about money . Ahmed has arranged for me to be in films that his friends Leroy and Jamal make in their basement . Apparently I can earn $200 per scene . I get a $200 bonus if there are more than three men in the scene and an extra $100 for the kangaroo .

Don’t worry Mum . Now I’m 15 I know how to take care of myself . Someday we’ll visit you and Dad so that you can meet your grandchildren

.

Your loving daughter,



Sarah



P.S. Dad, it’s not true . I’m watching TV at the neighbours. I just wanted to show you that there really are worse things in life than England retaining the Ashes .

[paul needham]

Isaac Schwartz is on his deathbed.

He knows the end is near so he asks a nurse to summon his wife, his daughter and two sons.

"So", he says to them:

"Bernie, when I’m gone, I want you to take the houses in East Melbourne."

"Sybil, you can take the apartments in Carlton."

"Hymie, I want you to take the office buildings in the CBD."

"Sarah, my dear wife, I want you to take the shops and the Hotels."

The nurse is just blown away by all this - and as Isaac slips away, she says ,

"Mrs. Schwartz, your husband was clearly a most successful businessman to accumulate all these investment properties".

"Investment properties?” she snarls “The schmuck did a paper round!"

[paul needham]

A thoughful gift......

A young man from London named Chris, wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend.
They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland .

Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note ...not too romantic and not too personal.

Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time.

Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers.

Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel, with the following letter.


Dear Maggie,

I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we
go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have
chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which
are easier to remove).

These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed
me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly
noticed any marks.

I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even
though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub
against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed
to wash it since she began wearing them.

I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt
many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you
again.

When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because
they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.

Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming
year.

I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.

All my love,

Chris

P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down
with a little bit of fur showing.

[paul needham]

Woman Stops Gator Attack With A Small Calibre Beretta Pistol

This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What is the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself? A Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber is what she credited for saving her life.

Obviously, a testimonial to this fine weapon.

Here is the rest of the story:

“While out walking along the edge of a bayou just below Houma, Louisiana with my soon to be ex-husband discussing property settlement and other divorce issues,

we were surprised by a huge 12-ft. alligator suddenly emerging from the murky water and charging us with its large jaws wide open.

The gator must have been protecting her nest because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire .25 caliber pistol with me, I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my estranged husband's knee cap was all it took.The gator got him easily and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.!!!

It's one of the best pistols in my collection. Plus, the amount I saved in lawyer's fees was more than worth the purchase price of the gun!