Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

THEOLOGICAL QUESTION

Three people were able to walk on water...

There was Jesus...

There was Saint Peter....

and there was Pedro...

Pedro, who the hell is Pedro?

[paul needham]

The Male Cycle


When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits.

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25, I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28, I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything.. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 30, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground, so I married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am older and wiser now, and I am looking for a girl with big tits.

[paul needham]

Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of Liquid Paper. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.

My budgie broke his leg today so I made him a little splint out of a couple of matches. His little face lit up when he tried to walk... unfortunately, I had forgotten to remove the sandpaper from the bottom of his cage.

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, the ungrateful bastards.
All I said was, 'Hurry up for Christ's sake ........... Some of us have got homes to go to!'

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'What do you feel like for dinner my love ...... chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Chicken, please.' She replied, 'You're having soup you fat b*"*"*d, I was talking to the cat!'

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him England...

[Scott Douglas]

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly
Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, 'What are
all those clocks?'

St Peter answered, 'Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone who has ever been
on earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your
clock move.'

... 'Oh', said the man. 'Whose clock is that?'

'That's Mother Teresa's', replied St Peter. 'The hands have never
moved, indicating that she never told a lie.'

'Incredible', said the man. 'And whose clock is that one?'

St Peter responded, 'That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have
moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his
entire life.'

I wonder what Alex Salmond's clock would be like?' asked the man.

St Peter replied, 'We would use it as a ceiling fan.

[paul needham]

A man desperate at manchester united current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very lastmoment, he decides upon wearing his full manchester united kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the manchester united kit and dress the man instockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."

[paul needham]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:


You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!



So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:




Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs




She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:




Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.



"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."




So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:



Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.




"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.




She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:



Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.




"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"



Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:




Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.




She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:



Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.


PLEASE NOTE:


To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.


The First floor has wives that love sex.



The Second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited

[Scott Douglas]

The devil baby... watch with sound on!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PUKMUZ4tlJg#t=76

[paul needham]

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat.

It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ".

Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick it up.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her
contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor.

"No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

An old Irish farmer's dog goes missing and he's inconsolable.

His wife says "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?"

He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing.

"What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks.

"Here boy" he replies.

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

Paddy's in jail. Guard looks in his cell and sees him hanging by his feet.

"What on earth you doing?" he asks.

"Hanging myself" Paddy replies.

"It should be around your neck" says the Guard.

"I know" says Paddy "but I couldn't breathe".

----------------------- ------------ --------------
An answer I can understand. An American tourist asks an Irishman:

"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "They have to go backwards. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the boat."


------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Paddy rings his new girlfriend's door bell, with a big bunch of flowers. She opens the door, sees the flowers, and drags him in. She lies back on the couch, pulls her skirt up, rips her knickers off and says 'This is for the flowers!'

'Don't be silly,' says Paddy, 'You must have a vase somewhere!

[paul needham]

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.

One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting
room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.

The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!

When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.

The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease.

Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

[paul needham]

A man got on the bus in Basildon with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sat down
next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.

Finally, after many glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls."

The blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, thinking deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,
"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"

[paul needham]

Tetanus Shot!!!!

An old man in his mid-seventies struggles to get up from the couch then
starts putting on his coat.

His wife, seeing the unexpected behavior, asks, Where are you going?'

He replies, 'I'm going to the doctor.'

She says, 'Why, are you sick?'

He says, 'Nope, I'm going to get me some of that Viagra stuff.'

Immediately the wife starts working and positioning herself to get out of
her rocker and begins to put on her coat.

He says, 'Where the heck are you going'?

She answers, 'I'm going to the doctor, too.'

He says, 'Why, what do you need?'

She says, 'If you're going to start using that rusty old thing,

I'm getting a Tetanus shot.'

[paul needham]

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'

Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.

Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[paul needham]

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, 'About 2 hours.'

The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?'

The barber looked around at the shop and said, 'About 3 hours.'

The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, 'How long before I can get a haircut?

The barber looked around the shop and said, 'About an hour and a half .

The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, 'Hey, Bob, do me a favor , follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.'

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.


The barber asked, 'So, where does he go when he leaves?'

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said,

'Your house!'

[paul needham]

A little Catholic sense of humour.




'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl.'

The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano?'

'Yes, Father, it is.'

'And who was the girl you were with?'

'I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation.'

'Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?'

'I cannot say.'

'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'

'I'll never tell.'

'Was it Nina Capelli?'

'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'

'Was it Cathy Piriano?'

'My lips are sealed.'

'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'

'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'

The priest sighs in frustration. 'You're very tight lipped,
and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to
atone. You cannot be an altar boy now
for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.'

Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, 'What'd you get ?'

'Four months holiday and five good leads...'

[paul needham]

Last Kiss...


Back on July 9th, a group of Pekin, Illinois bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby.....whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says,

"Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why the hell are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

[paul needham]

Travel warning for the cold & bitter weather.


The government has issued the following travel warning.


Anyone travelling in blizzard conditions should carry the following:

1. Shovel.
2. Blankets or sleeping bag.
3. Extra clothing, including hat and gloves.
3. 24 hours' worth of food.
5. De-icer.
6. Rocksalt.
7. Flashlight with spare batteries.
8. Road flares or reflective triangles.
9. Full spare gas can.
10. First aid kit.
11. Booster cables.

I looked like an idiot on the bus this morning…..


Funeral Humour
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden’s Funeral, a voice from inside screams “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters “Too f**king late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork”

[paul needham]

A vicar goes to the dentist for a set of false teeth.
The first Sunday after he gets his new teeth, his sermon lasts for only eight minutes.
The second Sunday, his sermon took only ten minutes.
The following Sunday, he takes 2 hours and 48 minutes.
The congregation had to mob him to get him down from the pulpit and
they asked him what happened.
The Vicar explains the first Sunday his gums hurt so bad he couldn't
talk for more than 8 minutes.
The second Sunday his gums hurt too much
to talk for more than 10 minutes.
But, the third Sunday, he put his
wife's' teeth in by mistake and he couldn't shut up.

[paul needham]

Some HAPPY NEW YEAR facts of Life ! Stay safe & well in 2014.




If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
(Hardly seems worth it.)






The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)



A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)


A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)


Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Don't try this at home ; maybe at work.)


The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home . What the...?)


The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?)


The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)


Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity.)


Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)


The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm.......)


Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)


Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(Okay, so that would be a good thing.)


A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.)


An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)


Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that, too.)


Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)


Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?)

[paul needham]

Little Johnny Again


A teacher asked her third grade class to name things
that ended with “tor” that ate things.
The first little boy said, "Alligator."
"Very good James, that's a big word."
The second boy said, "Predator."
“ Yes, that's another big word Alan. Very well done."
Little Johnny says, "Vibrator."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says, "That is a
big word Johnny, but it doesn't eat anything."
“ Well my sister has one and she says it eats bloody
batteries like there's no tomorrow!"

[Kevin Fairgrieve]

Finding a woman sobbing that she had locked her keys in her car, a passing soldier assures her that he can help.
She looks on in amazement as he removes his trousers, rolls them into a ball and rubs them against the car door.

Magically the door opens.

'That is so clever' the woman gasps, 'how did you do it?'

Wait for it.....

















'Easy' replies the soldier, 'these are khakis'.