Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD? WELL......YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE!
***************************************************************************
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST. I NOTICED HIS DENTAL DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY SECONDARY SCHOOL CLASS SOME 30-ODD YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GREY HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS FAR TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE. AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK SECONDARY SCHOOL .
'YES, YES I DID. I'M A MORGANNER! 'HE BEAMED WITH PRIDE.
'WHEN DID YOU LEAVE TO GO TO COLLEGE?' I ASKED
HE ANSWERED, IN 1965.. WHY DO YOU ASK?
'YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!' I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN THE UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ARSED, GREY HAIRED, DECREPIT, OLD GIT ASKED.
'WHAT DID YOU TEACH?'

[paul needham]

When you are over sixty
who cares?? ............

This asshole female looked at my beer belly last night
and sarcastically said, "Is that bitter or lager?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really"she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling
she began to lose patience and said,
"Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."

***********

I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick
dancing on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile,
"Do you really think so."
I said "Definitely!
Most tables would have collapsed by now. "

[paul needham]

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However,
Instructions also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to
express the Truth differently without lying.

Below is a perfect example of those teachings:


Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?' '

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It
is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll
confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for
me? Hide it
under your Robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official
asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you
have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but
which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father.

[paul needham]

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.
The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are
fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened
immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."
The woman thought to herself, "Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother.
He's a clueless idiot.”

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"
"Denise," said the doctor.
The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow,
that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother,
I really like Denise.'
Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"
The doctor replied, "Denephew."

[paul needham]

The Taxman Cometh

At the end of the tax year, the Tax Office sent a tax inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the taxman was checking the books, he turned to the executive of the hospital and said

“I notice you buy a lot of bandages. I imagine there's a lot of wastage there. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the executive. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll."

"Oh," replied the taxman, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

However, he was now well mounted on his favourite hobby horse and ready to be critical.“What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"


"Ah, yes," replied the executive, who actually hadn't a clue, but rising to the challenge he said, "We save that too, and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they send us a free bag of plaster."

"My, my, an answer for everything!" responded the auditor, who also fancied himself a bit of a wit. "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the executive. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the tax office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."

[paul needham]

Facts About Sex

At Any Given Moment:


FACT:
79,000,000 people are engaged in sex - right now!

FACT:
58,000,000 are kissing.

FACT:
37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

FACT:
1 elderly person is reading the LMA forum.


You hang in there, Sunshine ..........

[Lynne Roberts]

Don’t try to outsmart a little old lady.
Rubber Gloves

Next time you use a pair of rubber gloves, you're going to smile when you think of this:

A dentist noticed that his next patient, a little old woman, was nervous, so he decided to tell her a little joke as he put on his gloves.
'Do you know how they make these gloves?' he asked.
'No, I don't,' she replied.
'Well,' he spoofed, 'there's a building in Canada with a big tank of latex, and workers of all hand sizes walk up to the tank, dip in their hands, let them dry, Then peel off the gloves and throw them into boxes of the right size.'
She didn't crack a smile.
'Oh, well.. I tried,' he thought.
But five minutes later, during a delicate portion of the procedure, she burst out laughing.
'What's so funny?' he asked.
'I was just envisioning how condoms are made!'
(Gotta watch those senior ladies! Their minds are always working!)

Be afraid of older women! Be very afraid! They have been there and done that!

[Denis Brown]

Hey Paul thats clever ,it was me reading

[Lynne Roberts]

Old Friends at the Bar

Old Friends at the bar.jpg (31.65 KiB) Viewed 10762 times

I pointed to two old farts across the bar from us and told my friend, "That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you old fool."

[paul needham]

British Tax Return, heres a paper cutting that will get you going......

[paul needham]

A guy goes hunting, stops to take a call of nature so he lobs his shotgun up a tree just as a gust of wind blew. The gun fell over and discharged, shooting him in the genitals. Several hours later, lying in a hospital bed, he was approached by his doctor.

"Well sir, I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that you are going to be OK. The damage was local to your groin there was very little internal damage and we were able to remove all of the buckshot."
"What's the bad news?" asked the hunter.
"The bad news is that there was some pretty extensive buckshot damage done to your penis which left quite a few holes in it. I'm going to have to refer you to my sister."
"Well I guess that isn't too bad," the hunter replied. "Is your sister a plastic surgeon?"
"Not exactly," answered the doctor.
"She's a flute player in the Melbourne Symphony Orchestra. She's going to teach you where to put your fingers so you don't piss in your eye.."

[paul needham]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said "Father, during World War 11 a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied "That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father ... She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said "That was a very long time ago and by doing what you did you placed the two of you in great danger. But two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you , Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"

[Bob Thompson1894]

Pete received the following text from his neighbour:

"I am so sorry Pete. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around.
In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

Pete, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his shotgun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in:

Damn autocorrect.
I meant "wifi", not "wife"
Sorry!!!!!!!!!!.

[Bob Thompson1894]

The doctor, after an examination, sighed and said, “I've got some bad news.
You have cancer, and you'd best put your affairs in order.”

The woman was shocked, but managed to compose herself and walk into the waiting room where her daughter had been waiting.

'Well, daughter, we women celebrate when things are good, and we celebrate when things don't go so well. In this case, things aren't well. I have cancer. So, let's head to the club and have a martini.'
After 3 or 4 martinis, the two were feeling a little less sombre. There were some laughs and more martinis.
They were eventually approached by some of the woman's old friends, who were curious as to what the two were celebrating. The woman told her friends they were drinking to her impending end, 'I've been diagnosed with AIDS.'
The friends were aghast, gave the woman their condolences and beat a hasty retreat.

After the friends left, the woman's daughter leaned over and whispered, 'Momma, I thought you said you were dying of cancer, and you just told your friends you were dying of AIDS! Why did you do that?'

'Because I don't want any of those bitches sleeping with your father after I'm gone.'

And THAT, my friends, is what is called, 'Putting Your Affairs In Order.'

[paul needham]

The Dead Frog


A little Irish boy about 12 years old is walking down the street
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him.

He came up to the doorstep of 'a house of ill repute' and knocked on
the door. When the Madam answered it, she saw the little boy and asked what
he wanted.
He said, 'I want to have sex with one of the women inside.

I have the money to buy it, and I'm not leaving until I get it.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in.

Once in, she told him to pick any of the girls he liked.

He asked, 'Do any of the girls have any diseases?'

Of course the Madam said 'No'.

The boy said, 'I heard all the men talking about having to get shots
after making love with Amber - THAT'S the girl I want.
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it,
the Madam told him to go to the first room on the right.
He headed down the hall dragging the squashed frog behind him. Ten
minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked,
'Why did you pick the only girl in the place with a disease,
Instead of one of the others?'
He said, 'Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home,

My parents are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home
with a baby-sitter.

After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me because she just
happens to be very fond of cute little boys.

She will then get the disease that I just caught.

When Mum and Dad get back, Dad will take the baby-sitter home. On the
way, he'll give her one in the car and he'll catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitter's, he and Mum will go to
bed and have sex, and Mum will catch it.

In the morning when Dad goes to work, the Milkman will deliver the
milk, have a quickie with Mum and catch the disease, and HE'S the prick
who ran over my FROG!'

[paul needham]

A little old silver-haired lady calls her neighbor and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her neighbor asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The little silver haired lady says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her neighbor decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then," he said with a deep sigh ............


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

[paul needham]

THE CURRENT BANKING CRISIS EXPLAINED BY AN IRISHMAN
Young Paddy bought a donkey from a farmer for £100.
The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day he drove up and said, 'Sorry son,
but I have some bad news. The donkey's died.'
Paddy replied, 'Well then just give me my money back.'
The farmer said, 'Can't do that. I've already spent it.'
Paddy said, 'OK, then, just bring me the dead donkey.'
The farmer asked, 'What are you going to do with him?'
Paddy said, 'I'm going to raffle him off.'
The farmer said, 'You can't raffle a dead donkey!'
Paddy said, 'Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody
he's dead.'
A month later, the farmer met up with Paddy and asked,
' What happened with that dead donkey?'
Paddy said, 'I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at £2 each
and made a profit of £898'
The farmer said, 'Didn't anyone complain?'
Paddy said, 'Just the guy who won. So I gave him his £2 back.'
Paddy now works for the Royal Bank of Scotland .

[paul needham]

> The future of nursery rhymes

> Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall
> Humpty Dumpty had a great fall
> The structure of the wall was incorrect
> So he won a grand with Claims Direct.

> It's Raining, It's Pouring
> Of course...it's Global Warming.

> Jack and Jill went into town
> To fetch some chips and sweeties.
> He can't keep his heart rate down
> And she's got diabetes.

> Mary had a little lamb
> Her father shot it dead.
> Now it goes to school with her
> Between two chunks of bread.

> Mary had a little lamb
> It ran into a pylon.
> 10,000 volts went up its ****
> And turned its wool to nylon.

> Georgie Porgie Pudding and Pie
> Kissed the girls and made them cry..
> When the boys came out to play
> He kissed them too cause he was gay.

> Jack and Jill
> Went up the hill
> To have a little fun..
> Jill, the dill,
> Forgot her pill,
> And now they have a son.

> Jack and Jill
> Went up the hill
> And planned to do some kissing.
> Jack made a pass
> And grabbed her ass
> Now two of his teeth are missing.

> Mary had a little lamb
> Its fleece was white and wispy.
> Then it caught Foot and Mouth Disease
> And now it's black and crispy.

[Lynne Roberts]

Subject: TOMMY COOPER JOKES

1. Two blondes walk into a building ........you'd think at least one of them would have seen it.

2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key....'

3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'

4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day - but I couldn't find any.

5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.

6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.

7. I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a muscle.

8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly.. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.

10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head.
Doc says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'

11. 'Doc I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home'
'That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. '
'Is it common?'
'It's not unusual.'

12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?'
'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him'
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then he checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What? Because he's cross-eyed?'
'No, because he's really heavy'

13. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my bottom.'
'How's that?'
'Don't you start.'

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other one says 'You're not so slim either, you fat git!'

16. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

17. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

18. A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'

19. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as digging continues into the night.

[paul needham]

Paddy and Mick were walking along a street in London.
Paddy looked in one of the shop windows and saw a sign that caught his eye.
The sign read, "Suits £15.00 each, Shirts £3.00 each, Trousers £4.50 per pair".Paddy said to his pal, "Mick look at the prices! We could buy a whole lot of those and when we get back to Ireland we could make a fortune. Now when we go in you stay quiet, okay? Let me do all da talking 'cause if they hear our accents, they might think we're thicko's from Ireland and try to screw us.
I'll put on me best English accent."
"Roight y'are Paddy, I'll keep me mout shut, so I will. You do all da feckin business" said Mick.
They go in and Paddy said in a posh voice, "Hello my good man. I'll take 50 suits at £15.00 each, 100 shirts at £3..00 each, and 50 pairs of trousers at £4.50 each. And oy’ll back up me truck ready to load 'em on, so I will."
The owner of the shop said quietly, "You're from Ireland, aren't you?"
"Well yes," said a surprised Paddy. "What gave it away?"
The owner replied,
"This is a DRY cleaners."