Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

Purchased vs. Homemade

Six year old Annie returns home from school and says she had her first family planning lesson at school.

Her mother, very interested, asks; "How did it go?" "I nearly died of shame!" she answers.

"Sam from over the road, says that the stork brings babies.

Sally next door said you can buy babies at the orphanage.

Pete in my class says you can buy babies at the hospital."

Her mother answers laughingly, "But that's no reason to be ashamed."

"No, but I can't tell them that we were so poor that you and daddy had to make me yourselves!"

[paul needham]

A Scotsman and his wife walked past a swanky new restaurant.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being a 'kind-hearted Scotsman', he thought, "What the heck..., I'll treat her!"

So, they walked past it again...

[paul needham]

In case you're not watching America's got Talent (no I don't), you should watch this video.


http://www.tastefullyoffensive.com/2014 ... s-got.html

[paul needham]

Farmer John
Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week.

So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, "You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens," he said to the local police officer.

"What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said:
”SCHOOL CROSSING”

Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The ‘school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!"

So again, they put up a new sign:
”SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY”

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

In order to get Farmer John off his back said "Sure. Put up your own sign.

The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, “How’s the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed.

The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down..

So he drove out to Farmer John's house.

His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign.


'NUDIST COLONY'
'Slow down and watch out for chicks!'

[paul needham]

A woman and a man are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings.
She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens.
She is speaking in a cheery voice, "Hi, I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."
She hangs up, and the man asks, "Who was that?"
"Oh, she replies, "that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his golf trip with you.

[paul needham]

A Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they
got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called 'Yam'.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam so when it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and
getting half-baked, so she wouldn't get accidentally mashed, and get a bad name for herself like 'Hot Potato'.
Yam said not to worry, no Spud would get her into the sack and make a rotten potato out of her!
But on the other hand she wouldn't stay home and become a Couch Potato either.
She would eat properly so as not to be skinny like her Shoestring Cousins.
When she went off to Europe, Mr. And Mrs. Potato told Yam to watch out for those hard-boiled guys from Ireland and the greasy guys from France called the French Fries, and when she went out West, she must watch out for the Indians so she wouldn't get scalloped.
They sent Yam to Idaho P.U. (that's Potato University ). So that when she graduated she'd really be "in the Chips".
But in spite of all they did for her, one-day Yam came home and
announced she was going to marry Gary Lineker .
" Gary Lineker !!!!", they cried. They were very upset and told Yam
"You can't possibly marry Gary Lineker because he's just .......
just.......
he's.....
*








... just a COMMONTATER!"

[paul needham]

The latest in fuel efficiency, if only, I could run my car 24/7





https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vUKolh8Q9hA

[paul needham]

A Japanese couple are having an argument over ways of performing highly erotic sex:



Husband: "Sukitaki."



Wife replies: "Kowanini!"



Husband says: "Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"



Wife on her knees literally begging: "Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"



Husband replies angrily: "Na miaou kina tim kouji!"





I can't believe you just sat and tried to read this - as if you understand Japanese unbelievable!



I knew you would read anything as long as it is about sex.



You need help!

[paul needham]

The Indian With One Testicle


There once was an Indian who had only one testicle


And whose given name was 'Onestone'.


He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.


After years and years of torment,


Onestone finally cracked and said,'


If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'


The word got around and nobody called him that any more.


Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,


'Good morning, Onestone.'


He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.


He made love to her all the next day,


Until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.


The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.


Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until


A woman named Yellow Birdreturned to the village after being away.


Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin,


Was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.


She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'


Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,


Then he made love to her all day,


Made love to her all night,


Made love to her all the next day,


Made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Birdwouldn't die!


Why ???

OH, come on... Take a guess !!!


Think about it !!!


You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows..








You can't kill Two Birds
With

OneStone!!!

[paul needham]

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."

The husband texted back to her:

"I'm on the toilet. Please advise."

[paul needham]

Never Lose Your Grandson!
A heart-warming story.
My small grandson got lost in Sainsburys, he
approached a uniformed security guard and
said, "I've lost my grandpa!"
"The guard asked, "What's he like?"
The little devil hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Gordon's Gin and women with big tits."

[paul needham]

WING SUITER MEETS HIS MAKER

http://safeshare.tv/w/kLlmcNCGBk

[paul needham]

Aging Aunt Mildred was a 93-year-old woman who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in death.


Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out his old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart, since it was badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and a burden to someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be on a woman. The doctor said, 'Your heart would be just below your left breast'.

image001.jpg (6.75 KiB) Viewed 10422 times

Later that night........ Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her knee.

[paul needham]

Sean is the vicar of a Protestant parish on the border of Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland,
and Patrick is the priest at the Roman Catholic Church across the road.

One day they are seen together, erecting a sign which says,
"THE END IS NEAR.
TURN YOURSELF AROUND NOW,
BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE."

As a car speeds past them, the driver leans out his window and yells,
"Leave people alone, you religious nutters. We don't need your lectures."
From around the next curve they hear screeching tyres and a big splash.

Shaking his head, Father Patrick says "Dat's da terd one dis mornin'."

"Yaa," Sean agrees, then adds, "Do ya tink maybe da sign should just say "BRIDGE CLOSED"?

[David Whiteley]

Bad news for Scottish Tories.

It looks possible that the ratio of Tory MPs to pandas in Scotland might reduce from a half to a third.

Hairy Dave

[paul needham]

Jewish Wisdom

A female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Western Wall to pray, twice a day, every day, for a long, long time.

So she went to check it out. She went to the Western Wall and there he was, walking slowly up to the holy site. She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, using a cane and moving very slowly, she approached him for an interview.

"Pardon me, sir, I'm Rebecca Smith from CNN. What's your name?"

"Morris Feinberg," he replied.

"Sir, how long have you been coming to the Western Wall and praying?"

"For about 60 years."

"60 years! That's amazing! What do you pray for?"

"I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews, and the Muslims."

"I pray for all the wars and all the hatred to stop."

"I pray for all our children to grow up safely as responsible adults and to love their fellow man."

"I pray that politicians tell us the truth and put the interests of the people ahead of their own interests."

And finally "I pray that everyone will be happy".

"How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?"

"Like I'm talking to a f--k--g brick wall.

[paul needham]

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, 'What is this Father?'
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, 'Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is.'

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number… and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son......

'Go get your Mother'

[paul needham]

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Nothing.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village
for just £2 a month - time to change supplier I think.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ...
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

"ITS A BOY !" I shouted "A BOY !, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY !"
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai Brothel !

Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...one's in a korma.. The other's got a dodgy tikka !

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A boy asks his granny "Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD ?"
Granny replies "f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen ?"

Wife gets naked and asks hubby "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body ?"
Hubby looks her up and down and replies "Your sense of humour !"

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to Hoover the house.
Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window.
If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

[paul needham]

A lady goes to the bar on a cruise ship
And orders a Scotch with two drops of water. As the bartender gives her the drink she says: 'I'm on this cruise to celebrate my 88th birthday and it's today.'
The bartender says 'Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me.'
As the woman finishes her drink
The woman to her right says
'I would like to buy you a drink, too.'
The old woman says 'Thank you.


Bartender, I want a Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming up' says the bartender
As she finishes that drink,
The man to her left says
'I would like to buy you one, too.'
The old woman says 'Thank you.


Bartender, I want another Scotch with two drops of water.'
'Coming right up' the bartender says.
As he gives her the drink, he says
'Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity.
Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?'
The old woman replies

’Sonny, when you're my age,
You've learned how to hold your liquor...
Holding your water, however, is a whole other issue.'

[paul needham]

I went to the Patent office to register some of my inventions.

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out.

She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "a folding bottle".

She said, "Okay, what do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have."

"I have also invented a folding carton."

Again she said, "what do you call it?"

"A Farton."

She sniggered and said, "Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds kind of crude."

I was so upset by her comment that I grabbed the form and left the office without even telling her about my folding bucket.