Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

A man returns home a day early from a business trip. It's after midnight.

While en route home, he asks the cabbie if he would be a witness.

The man suspects his wife is having an affair, and he wants to catch her in the act.

For $100, the cabby agrees.

Quietly arriving home, the husband and cabbie tip toe into the bedroom.

The husband switches on the lights, yanks the blanket back and there is his wife in bed with another man!

The husband puts a gun to the naked man's head.

The wife shouts, 'Don't do it! I lied when I told you I inherited money'

HE paid for the Porsche I gave you.
HE paid for our new cabin cruiser.
HE paid for your Rugby season tickets.
HE paid for our house at the lake.
HE paid for your African tour and 4 x 4.
HE paid for our country club membership, and HE even pays the monthly dues!

Shaking his head from side-to-side, the husband lowers the gun.

He looks over at the cabbie and says, 'What would you do?

The cabbie replies, 'I'd cover him with that blanket before he catches a cold.'

[paul needham]

Three dead bodies turn up at a mortuary all with very big smiles on their faces and the police call on the coroner to investigate.

"First body," says the coroner, "Pierre Dubois, Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his 20-year old mistress. Hence the smile,' says the Coroner.

"Second body is Gregory Campbell, Scotsman, 25, won £50,000 on the lottery. Spent it all on whisky.
Died of alcohol poisoning, hence the smile." he says.

The Police Inspector asked, '"So what about this third body?'"

"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy Murphy, Irish, 30, struck by lightning."

"Why the broad grin, then?" inquires the Inspector.
"He thought he was having his picture taken".

[RichardVaughanDavies]

There was a field full of cows and a bull when an earthquake hit.
All the cows fell over but the bull stayed standing.
The farmer was confused.
He went over to the bull and said, "I am confused, how come all the cows fell over but you are still standing?"

The bull said "we-bulls-wobble but we don't fall down".

[Bob Thompson1894]

We had a power cut at our house this morning and my PC, laptop, TV,
DVD, iPad & my newsound music systemwere all shut down. My shed was in darkness. Then I
discovered that my Phone battery was flat and to top it off it was
raining outside, so I couldn't go flying. I went into the kitchen to
make coffee and then I remembered that this also needs power, so I sat
and talked with my wife for a few hours. She seems like a nice person.

[paul needham]

Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital.

One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool,

Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him.

She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.

When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act

she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital,

as she now considered her to be mentally stable.
When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna,

I have good news and bad news.

The good news is you're being discharged,

since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in

and saving the life of the person you love....

I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his

bathrobe belt right after you saved him.

I am so sorry, but he's dead.' Edna replied,

He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry.
How soon can I go home?'
Happy Mental Health Day!

[paul needham]

Sex in the shower

In a recent survey commissioned by President Obama, African-Americans
have proven to be the most likely to have had sex in the shower.

The survey was carried out for Obama by a leading soap and toiletries firm.

The results revealed that 86% of African-Americans said that they have
had sex in the shower.

The remaining 14% said they haven't been to prison yet.

Sort of brings tears to your eyes.

[paul needham]

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to
> do was eat, drink and be Mary.
>
>
> Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said,
> "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
>
>
> My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to
> hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
>
>
> I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be
> honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
>
>
> After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women
> happy.
> Apparently it’s nothing.
>
>
> Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said
> white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of wholemeal for 30
> minutes.
> I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
>
>
> Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after
> they tested positive for WD40.
>
>
> A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt ..
> Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...
>
>
> Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's
> Riots...Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.
>
>
> IT’S A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY"
> And with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another
> Thai Brothel!!!
>
>
> In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver,
> bronze, copper & lead.
>
>
> Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast,
> they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
>
>
> Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly
> agrees.
> Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
> Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
> Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
> Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
> Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'
>
>
> An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife
> leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what
> do you think I should do?'
> He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

[paul needham]

THE PRIEST & THE RABBI

A Priest and a Rabbi were sitting in adjacent seats on an airplane.


After a while the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’

The rabbi responded, ‘Yes, that is still one of our laws.’

The priest then asked, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’

‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich’

The priest nodded in understanding, and went on with his reading.


A while later the rabbi spoke up and asked, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith’

The rabbi then asked him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?’

The priest replied, ‘Yes, Rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke the pledge of my faith.’

The rabbi nodded understandingly, and remained silent for several minutes.

Finally the rabbi quietly observed, ‘Beats ham sandwich, doesn't it!’

[paul needham]

JOKES THAT CAN BE TOLD IN CHURCH

Two boys were walking home from Sunday school
after hearing a strong preaching on the devil.
One said to the other, 'What do you think about
all this Satan stuff?'
The other boy replied, 'Well, you know how
Santa Claus turned out.
It's probably just your Dad..'


~~~~~~~~~~~~

Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl
whispered to her mother, 'Why is the bride dressed in white?''
The mother replied, 'Because white is the colour
of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.'
The child thought about this for a moment then said,
'So why is the groom wearing black?'
~~~~~~~~~~~~

A little girl, dressed in her Sunday best, was running as fast as she could, trying not to be late for Bible class.
As she ran she prayed, 'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late! Dear Lord, please don't let me be late!'
While she was running and praying, she tripped
on a curb and fell, getting her clothes dirty and tearing her dress.
She got up, brushed herself off, and started running
again!
As she ran she once again began to pray,
'Dear Lord, please don't let me be late...But please
don't shove me either!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Three boys are in the school yard bragging about
their fathers.
The first boy says, 'My Dad scribbles a few words
on a piece of paper, he calls it a poem, they give him $50.'
The second boy says, 'That's nothing. My Dad
scribbles a few words on piece of paper, he calls it a song, they give him $100.'
The third boy says, 'I got you both beat. My Dad
scribbles a few words on a piece of paper, he calls it a sermon, and it takes eight people to collect all the money!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly woman died last month.
Having never married, she requested no male
pallbearers.
In her handwritten instructions for her memorial
service, she wrote,
'They wouldn't take me out while I was alive,
I don't want them to take me out when I'm dead.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A police recruit was asked during the exam,
'What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?'
He answered, 'Call for backup.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday School teacher asked her class why
Joseph and Mary took Jesus with them to Jerusalem..
A small child replied, 'They couldn't get a baby-sitter.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

A Sunday school teacher was discussing the Ten Commandments with her five and six year olds.
After explaining the commandment to 'Honour thy
father and thy mother,' she asked,
'Is there a commandment that teaches us how to
treat our brothers and sisters?'
Without missing a beat, one little boy answered,
'Thou shall not kill..'

~~~~~~~~~~~~

At Sunday School they were teaching how God
created everything, including human beings.
Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they
told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.
Later in the week his mother noticed him lying
down as though he were ill, and she said, 'Johnny, what is the matter?'
Little Johnny responded, 'I have pain in my side. I think I'm going to have a wife.'

[paul needham]

> Paddy and Mick go to London to donate sperm.
>
> It was a disaster!
>
> Paddy missed the tube and Mick came on the bus!
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- -----------
>
>
> A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
>
> Paddy ordered a whisky.
>
> The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
>
> He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a
> dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
>
> Paddy handed his drink back and said
>
>
> "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
>
>
> Ian the Stoker calls Easyjet to book a flight.
>
> The operator asks "How many people are flying with you ?"
>
> Ian replies "I don't know! Its your f***ing plane!"
>
>
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
>
> Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
> Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off,
> I'm gonna pre tend I'm mad!"
> He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts
>
>
> "I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!"
>
>
> Murphy watches in amazement!
>
> The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"
>
> So he leaves the site.
>
> Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
>
> "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.
>
> "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
>
>
> Two Stoker couples decided to swap partners for the night.
>
> After 3 hours of amazing sex, one of the stokers says "I wonder how the girls are getting on"
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- ------------------ -
>
>
> Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night.
> She undresses, lies on the bed spreadeagled and says
> "You know what I want, don't you ?"
>
>
> "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole feckin' bed by the looks of it!"
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- ---------
>
>
> Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guiness got in common?
>
> A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your **** if you get a dodgy one!
>
>
> -------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
>
>
> Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U...S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair.
>
> He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
>
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
>
>
> Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to identify her.
>
> A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
>
> ------------ --------- --------oOo- --------- ---------
>
>
> Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.
>
> Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.
>
> He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do ?"
>
> Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"
>
>
> ------------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
>
>
> Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
>
> "Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
>
> --------- --------oOo- --------- --------- --------- -
>
>
> Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
>
> Mick say "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"
>
> Paddy says "What's his name?"
>
> Mick replies "Miles, from London !"

[paul needham]

A PUBLIC SERVICE MESSAGE

Static electricity is an imbalance of electric charges within or on the surface of a material.
The charge remains until it is able to move away by means of an electric current or electrical discharge.

image001.jpg (19.4 KiB) Viewed 11136 times

Electrostatic Cling to human beings.
For modelling the effect of static discharge on sensitive electronic devices, a human being is
represented as a capacitor of 100 picofarads, charged to a voltage of 4000 to 35000 volts.
When touching an object this energy is discharged in less than a microsecond


Are you having a little trouble understanding this? If so the next photo should clear things up

ATT00003.jpg (108.97 KiB) Viewed 11136 times

I thought that would help...!!!!!!

[paul needham]

The wife's back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.


I've accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

My sister-in-law sat on my glasses and broke them. It was my own fault. I should have taken them off.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

After both suffering from depression for a while, me and the wife were going to commit suicide yesterday. But strangely enough, once she killed herself, I started to feel a lot better. So I thought, "Screw it, soldier on!"

I woke up this morning at 8, and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing!
I panicked. I didn't know what to do. Then I remembered McDonald's serves breakfast until 11:30.

Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. Took her to the fair last night, and it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

The other night, my wife asked me how many women I'd slept with. I told her, "Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!"

My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door, she screamed, "I wish you a slow and painful death, you ****!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

A Catholic boy in confession says, "Bless me Father, I have sinned, I masturbated while thinking about my sister."
"That's a disgrace," said the priest, "especially when you have two gorgeous brothers."

A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to this country so that they can see their own doctor.

I've just installed strobe lights in the bedroom. It makes the wife look like she's moving during sex.

[paul needham]

This my friends is a perfect example of a Positive Attitude!

Late in the night he regained consciousness. Looking up at the ceiling from
his gurney, he found himself in agonizing pain in the
hospital's ICU, with tubes up his nose, wires coming from everywhere
monitoring his every function and a gorgeous
nurse hovering over him.

He realized he'd obviously been in a serious accident.

As the nurse bent over him and looked deep and straight into his eyes, he
heard her slowly say, "You may not feel anything from
the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS A POSITIVE ATTITUDE!

[paul needham]

This is from the marketing boom of 1964 when WD40 was released

These days, they can’t even handle Baa Baa Black Sheep. How would they go with this?

[paul needham]

>
> How did I ever get mixed up with an Irishman ?????
>
> John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said,
> "Here's to spending the rest o' me life,
> between the legs o' me wife !"
>
> That won him the top prize at the pub for the best
> toast of the night !
>
> He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the
> prize for the Best toast of The night."
>
> She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"
> John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
> sitting in church beside me wife."
>
> "Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
>
> The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking
> buddies on the street Corner. The man chuckled
> leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other
> night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."
>
> She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit
> surprised myself. You know, he's only been in
> there twice in the last four years. "Once I had to pull him by
> the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell
> asleep".

[paul needham]

GIVE A HELPING HAND.!



Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around Wal-Mart when they collide.


The old guy says to the young guy, “Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife,


and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."


The young guy says, "That's OK, it's a coincidence. I'm looking for my wife, too...


I can't find her and I'm getting a little desperate."


The old guy says, "Well, maybe I can help you find her... what does she look like?"


The young guy says, "Well, she is 27 yrs. old, tall, with red hair, blue eyes,

is buxom...wearing no bra, long legs, and is wearing short shorts. What does your wife look like?'


To which the old guy says,

“Doesn’t matter, --- let's look for yours."

[paul needham]

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father,
"Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?"

The father, surprised, answers,
"Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons,
Round and firm. In her 30s, 40s and 50's they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit low.
After 60, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."





This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said,
"Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers,
"Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree,
Mighty and hard. In his 30s, 40s and 50's it is like a birch, flexible but reliable.
After his 60s, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."

[paul needham]

ASK YOUR PHARMACIST

What happens when you ask for help with an erection lasting more than 4 hours?

I walked into a drug store and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman I was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and as she and her sister owned the store, there were no male employees.

She then asked if she could help me. I said that it was something that I would be much more comfortable discussing with a male pharmacist.

The lady pharmacist assured me that she was completely professional and whatever it was that I needed to discuss, I could be confident that she would treat me with a high level of professionalism.

I reluctantly agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I get erections every day that last more than four hours.
It causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment, and I was wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length and this is the absolute best we can do”.

. . .. 1/3 ownership in the store,

. . .. A company car,

. . .. A king size bed and

. . .. £1,000 a month in living expenses.

[paul needham]

BT needed to hire a team of telephone pole installers, and the boss had to choose between a team of two guys from England and a team of two Irish guys.



So the boss met both teams and said "Here's what we'll do. Each team will be installing poles out on the new road for a day.



The team that installs the most poles gets the job."



Both teams headed right out. At end of the shift, the two English guys, came back and the boss asked them how many they had installed.



They said that it was tough going, but they'd put in twelve.





Forty-five minutes later Paddy and Mick, the Irish guys, came back in and they were totally exhausted.



The boss asked, "Well, how many poles did you guys install?"



Mick, the team leader, wiped his brow and sighed, "Paddy and me, we got three in."



"The boss gasped, "Three? Those two English guys put in twelve!"



"Yeah," said Mick, "but you should see how much they left sticking out of the ground!

[paul needham]

An Irish Miracle

At last, confirmation of Murphy’s Law‚ with a wonderful Irish explanation

Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side-up.

He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always falls butter-side-down.

So he rushes round to the presbytery to fetch Father Flanagan.

He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen. But he won't say what it is, so he asks Fr. Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes.

He leads Fr. Flanagan into the kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor.

"Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so that the butter was on top."

"No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!" exclaimed Murphy

"Oh my Lord," says Fr. Flanagan, "dropped toast never falls with the butter side up. It's a miracle. Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle. I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to deal with it. He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."

A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much need tourism revenue.

Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling.

"It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy's kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out.

Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared 'No Miracle' because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!"