Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » October 9th, 2012, 9:28 am






Thought you might have a giggle. A bit long but stay with it.


For those of you who have never had this ‘procedure’ ………………Be Prepared!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!








This will bring tears to your eyes, especially those who have experienced this procedure, although we weren’t laughing then!!

This is from newshound Dave Barry's colonoscopy journal:

I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis . Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn't really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, quote, 'HE'S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BEHIND!'

I left Andy's office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called 'MoviPrep,' which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America 's enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn't eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour. Then, in the evening, I took the Moiré. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-litre plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes - and here I am being kind - like a mixture of goat **** and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, 'a loose, watery bowel movement may result.' This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don't want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space-shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, 'What if I spurt on Andy?' How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn't thought of this is, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anaesthesiologist. I did not see the 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anaesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was 'Dancing Queen' by ABBA. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, 'Dancing Queen' had to be the least appropriate.

'You want me to turn it up?' said Andy, from somewhere behind me. 'Ha ha,' I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, ABBA was yelling 'Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine,' and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that It was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

ABOUT THE WRITER
Dave Barry is a Pulitzer Prize-winning humour columnist for the Miami Herald.

On the subject of Colonoscopies...

Colonoscopies are no joke, but these comments during the exam were quite humorous..... A physician claimed that the following are actual comments made by his patients (predominately male) while he was performing their colonoscopies:



1. 'Take it easy, Doc. You're boldly going where no man has gone before!



2. 'Find Amelia Earhart yet?'



3. 'Can you hear me NOW?'



4. 'Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?'



5. 'You know, in Arkansas , we're now legally married.'



6. 'Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?'



7. 'You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out...'



8. 'Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!'



9. 'If your hand doesn't fit, you must quit!



10. 'Hey Doc, let me know if you find my dignity.'



11. 'You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?'



12. 'God, now I know why I am not gay.'



And the best one of all.



13. 'Could you write a note for my wife saying that my head is not up there?'

















__

Ron Pearman
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Ron Pearman » October 25th, 2012, 7:56 am

A man walked into a local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some stupid old **** wants to buy a "half a head" of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him,

so he quickly added," and this gentleman, kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself

out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from, son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy,’ Who did she play for?"



He should go far.

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 11th, 2012, 10:51 am

Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.


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When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnnie.
Johnnie said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision."

"That's great", said Little Johnnie,"coz he'd be f&%?*d if he needed glasses


Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 11th, 2012, 10:55 am


Never, Never,



EVER ...



and I repeat



EVER


Tell A Woman



She Can't Cook !




*
*
*



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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 11th, 2012, 11:07 am

..




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Paddy was waiting at the bus stop with his mate when a lorry went by loaded up with rolls of turf.


Paddy said, 'I'm gonna do that when I win the lottery'.
'What's dat?', says his mate.
'Send me lawn away to be cut', says Paddy.


Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 12th, 2012, 9:56 am

.




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An old fella was celebrating 92 years on this earth.


He spoke to his toes. "Hello toes.", he said. "How are you? You know, you are 92 today. Oh the times we've had! Remember how we walked in the park in thesummer every Sunday afternoon. The times we waltzed on the dance floor? Happy Birthday toes!"

"Hello, knees.", he continued. "How are you? You know you're 92 today.. Oh, the times we've had! Remember when we marched in the parade? Oh, the hurdles we've jumped together. Happy Birthday, knees."

Then, he looked down at his crotch. "Hello Willie!

You little bugger. Just think, if you were alive today, you'd be 92.





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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Scott Douglas » November 14th, 2012, 4:50 pm

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=29327#.Tjn6_022E7A


If you have any doubts 80 rupees is only about 1.15 euros so I'm sure you know someone who could benefit from this service :o :o :o

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Alex Salmond - The truth

Postby Scott Douglas » November 15th, 2012, 10:26 am


David Brown
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby David Brown » November 20th, 2012, 8:45 am

JUST FOR LAUGHS There's a few writers emerging at the Catton Group

From:- Harold & Pauline.

A keen Catton flier, by the cold river Trent, looked down at his model all crumpled and spent

He should have known, that, the damp and the chill, would stop the Lipos, from taking their fill

His wife had said, that he shouldn’t persist, alongside the river, in the cold and the mist

He viewed the remains, visibly hopping, (mad) his wife was right, he should have gone shopping

But what’s this he hears, a cry from afar, the butties are free, and there's a big mug of char

The Club house is warm, the guys sympathetic, the wife’s not wrong, just a little prophetic

Chorus -- Food, food, glorious food, there's nothing quite like it, for changing the mood,

Down to the hollow, it's Dave we must follow, and then we can swallow, more glorious food

He’s on his way home now, wandering if, he can get bits, in’t shed, before the storm hits

But look at the car, she shouts from the door, it’s covered in mud, and sheep sh..t (muck) on the floor

He’s having dark thoughts ‘bout the wife and the cold river Trent

Chorus -- Food, food -----

J’s on the phone, he’s got a spare wing – D’s got a motor and K’s got a thing B’s got some wheels, P’s got some bits that H says he’s happy to fix

His spirits have lifted, the gloom disappeared, the Catton Spirit, has again reappeared

The cars cleaner now, the model ready, Catton beckons, the nerves again steady,

He’s off there tomorrow, the wife’s away, he hasn’t asked how long she’ll stay

Chorus -- Food, food -----

He stands with his back to the cold River Trent, the fields in fine fettle, no models got bent

He’s ignoring the mud, the sheep are long gone, and the grass has recovered, thanks to David and John

The day’s been terrific; the Met got it right, the winds nice and steady, all day from the right

The Catton flyers, completely sated, are wending their way home, their feelings elated

Chorus -- Food, food -----

What’s this he fears, as he goes through the door, there’s a ruddy great package stood on’t end on the floor.

"I’m home she cries from the kitchen, I know the signs, I knew you were itching, so

I came home past Al’s, the man with a Hobby, and got you that model, the latest foam jobbie"

How wrong he was, he must make amends, look how it’s paid off, those few days, with her friends, he will get her some flowers, those tulips from

Holland, and to round the day off, a meal at McDonalds.

Chorus -- Food, food, glorious food, theres nothing quite like it, for changing the mood,

Down to the hollow, it's Dave we must follow, and there we can swallow, more glorious food.

Apologies to Tony, the ladies and John,theres no competition with Flanders and Swan, their harmonious tones, their gift with piano,

I'll go back to my model, where’s the Cyano?

David Brown
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby David Brown » November 20th, 2012, 8:52 am

Heres another one by Martin

A keen Catton flyer was standing one day
On the strip by the cold River Trent
He was cursing and swearing and really upset
As yet one more model he’d splattered and bent
“It’s only a hobby” the rest of them say
But for this one poor member it’s ruined the day
Chorus
Crash, Crash why does he crash
There’s nothing quite like it for spending the cash
So why does he bother , and try hard to succeed
When the wife and the tax man take more than they need.

At home he reflects on the time he has spent
Driving from home to the cold River Trent
The number of projects he has not completed
The whole load of parcels from mail order sent
“It’s only a hobby” the rest of them say
But why does he crash in the mud and the clay
Chorus
With true resolution he sets off again
To the strip by the cold River Trent
Determined that this time his flight will go well
As to fund this nice model he has not paid the rent
It’s only a hobby” the rest of them sang.
As it spun to the earth with a mighty great clang.


Fear not all ye doubters who journey each time
To the strip by the cold River Trent
If it’s muddy and wet, and the sheep have been crapping
Our devoted member will turn up just laughing
What choice does he have if he gives up the hobby
Stay home with the wife and go to the “shoppy”!
Chorus

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Chris Lane » November 20th, 2012, 6:18 pm

My dad used to declaim:-

"Alcock and Brown flew over the ocean,
why they did so I haven't a notion.
Alcock was pilot while Brown kept the log.
And when they reached Ireland they fell in a bog."

Any one know where this came from or if there is any more to it please?

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Chris Bradbury
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Chris Bradbury » November 21st, 2012, 12:11 am

As I sit here in a nasty vapour
On a toilet without any paper
I have no time to think and linger
So watch out **** here comes finger
Altitude Aerial Photography Ltd
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http://www.altitudephotography.co.uk

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B(FW) - E(FW) - B(H) - E(H) - B(SF-S) - B(MR) - E(MR)

May all your landings be intentional

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Lynne Roberts » November 21st, 2012, 1:12 pm

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Scott Douglas
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Scott Douglas » November 23rd, 2012, 1:20 pm

A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home. Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.

Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a chubby, grinning man.

"Hi there little girl, I'm Alex Salmond. What do you have in the basket?" he asked.

"Kittens," little Suzy said.

"How old are they?" asked Salmond.

Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."

"And what kind of kittens are they?"

"Scottish Nationalists," answered Suzy with a smile.

Salmond was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.

Recognizing the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Salmond should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.

So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from STV, BBC, and CNN.

Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Salmond got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.

"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."

"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Scottish Labour."

Taken by surprise, the Salmond stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were SCOTTISH NATIONALISTS."

Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.

But today, they have their eyes open."

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 27th, 2012, 9:26 am

And now for something completely different.

http://www.wimp.com/pullsbaguette/

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 27th, 2012, 9:33 am


Subject: The Medical Condition

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.

The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more.

Assuming that the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"

"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it ?"

The woman nodded, "Pepper.

Scott Douglas
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Scott Douglas » November 27th, 2012, 9:36 am

Scottish Wedding Proposal.....


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dYslhL71k1M

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Scott Douglas » December 1st, 2012, 8:55 am



I changed my iPod name to Titanic. It's syncing now.

When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned
veteran.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met
herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

They told me I had Type A blood, but it was a Type-O.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.

Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!

Broken pencils are pointless.

I tried to catch some fog. I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have
nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

Velcro - what a rip off!

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Venison for dinner? Oh deer!

Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby nickhenderson » December 16th, 2012, 7:28 am

My Dog’s Name Was Sex

Usually everyone who has a dog would call him Rover or something, well I call mine “Sex”. Sex is a very embarrassing name, but I never knew how embarrassing until one day I took Sex for a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for him. A police officer came along and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o’clock in the morning. I said, “I was looking for Sex.”
My court case comes up next Thursday.
One day I went to City Hall to get a license for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted, I told him I wanted a license for Sex. He said “I would like to have one too!” When I said “But this is a dog,” he said he didn’t care what she looked like. Then I said, “You don’t understand. I’ve had Sex since I was two years old.”
He replied, “You must have been a strong boy.”
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me to wait until after the wedding. I said, “But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole lifestyle revolves around Sex.”
He said he did not want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in a church. I told him everyone coming to the wedding would enjoy having Sex there. The next day we were married by the Justice of the Peace. My family is barred from the church.
My wife and I took the dog along with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the motel I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and myself and a special room for Sex. The clerk said that every room in the Motel is for Sex. Then I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night”, and the clerk said,”Me too.”
One day I told my friend that I had Sex on TV. He said, “Show off!” I told him it was a contest, and he told me I should have sold tickets.
When my wife and I separated we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, “Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married” and the Judge said, “Me too.”
When I told him that after I was married Sex had left me, he said, “Me too.”
Well now I’ve been thrown in jail, been married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever gambled for. Why just the other day when I went for my first visit with the psychiatrist and she asked me, “What seems to be the trouble?”
I replied, “Well, Sex has died and left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and it’s so lonely.”
The doctor said, “Look Mister, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why not get yourself a dog?”

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » December 24th, 2012, 9:23 pm

Comforting! (Read the T shirt).


I will never have to think “what shall I go as” ever


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Who remembers that great Saturday evening at Cosford some years back? :lol: :lol: :lol:


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