Fun stuff goes here.

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Olivier_Vandebroucke
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Olivier_Vandebroucke » August 24th, 2019, 12:06 pm

Eh, after all, it's a double win for the wife, she gets more free time in the evenings AND a new kitchen :lol: the guy should have asked his lover instead!

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » August 29th, 2019, 6:44 pm

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.
She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents and all the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw her and began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been waiting for you! Good to see you.

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a wonderful place! How do I get in?" "You only have to spell a word," Saint Peter told her.
"Which word?" the woman asked.
"Love."
The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch the Gates of Heaven for him that day.
While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived. "I'm surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her. "I married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were ill. And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I travelled all around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"
"You only have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Wright Langer » September 25th, 2019, 6:33 pm

Tony Collins 1073 wrote:A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game,"
He said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," His wife said.
"You already know how to play football!"


Hahaha....i Like the joke. I was thinking if i was ever in that situation which ball should i capture ! may be the best one i have readily available withing my arms. By the way, I am a soccer fan, and love to play all types of ball available to me.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Mansell » October 3rd, 2019, 8:25 pm

I know it's old, but I love it!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fm8FJ8la2VU

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » October 29th, 2019, 1:43 pm

Irish Fire Insurance

A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London.
The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was £2,000.00 a year!
When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.
The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, €39.00.
The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2,000.00 in England!
The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says:'
Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00.'

I often do find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.


A Few One Liners


I'll never forget my grandfather's last words- "stop shaking the f@#$ing ladder you little s***."


Mick bumps into Paddy in the street, walking with a greyhound.
"That's a fine looking dog,Paddy."Said Mick. "Are you going to race him?" "No feckin 'way." said Paddy."He's far too quick."


Due to the water shortage in Ireland, the Dublin town pool has announced closure of lanes 7 and 8.
The only way is up

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 1st, 2019, 7:43 am

I'm still around, just.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 1st, 2019, 4:41 pm

ON JULY 20, 1969 AS COMMANDER OF THE APOLLO 11 LUNAR MODULE, NEIL ARMSTRONG WAS THE FIRST PERSON TO SET FOOT ON THE MOON.
HIS FIRST WORDS AFTER STEPPING ON THE MOON; 'THAT'S ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN, ONE GIANT LEAP FOR MANKIND,' WERE TELEVISED TO EARTH AND HEARD BY MILLIONS.

BUT JUST BEFORE HE RE-ENTERED THE LANDER, HE MADE THE ENIGMATIC REMARK 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY.'
MANY PEOPLE AT NASA THOUGH IT WAS A CASUAL REMARK CONCERNING SOME RIVAL SOVIET COSMONAUT.
HOWEVER, UPON CHECKING THERE WAS NO GORSKY IN EITHER THE RUSSIAN OR AMERICAN SPACE PROGRAMS.

OVER THE YEARS MANY PEOPLE QUESTIONED ARMSTRONG AS TO WHAT THE 'GOOD LUCK, MR. GORSKY’ STATEMENT MEANT BUT ARMSTRONG ALWAYS JUST SMILED.

ON JULY 5, 1995 IN TAMPA BAY, FLORIDA, WHILE ANSWERING QUESTIONS FOLLOWING A SPEECH, A REPORTER BROUGHT UP THE 26-YEAR-OLD QUESTION TO ARMSTRONG. THIS TIME HE FINALLY RESPONDED.

SINCE MR. GORSKY HAD DIED, NEIL ARMSTRONG FELT HE COULD ANSWER THE QUESTION.

IN 1938 WHEN HE WAS A KID IN A SMALL MID-WEST TOWN, HE WAS PLAYING BASEBALL WITH A FRIEND IN THE BACKYARD.
HIS FRIEND HIT THE BALL AND IT LANDED IN HIS NEIGHBOUR'S YARD BY THEIR BEDROOM WINDOW.
HIS NEIGHBOURS WERE MR AND MRS GORSKY.
AS HE WENT ACROSS TO PICK UP THE BALL, YOUNG ARMSTRONG HEARD MRS GORSKY SHOUTING AT MR GORSKY.
'SEX! YOU WANT SEX?! YOU'LL GET SEX WHEN THE KID NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!'


TRUE STORY.


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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » November 3rd, 2019, 10:38 am

Two Story Outhouse

Words Fail Me

This Picture is Worth 10,000 of them

Yep!!!!

This Pretty Much Says it All!
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » February 4th, 2020, 10:57 am

A FEW ONE LINERS

My Wife isn't talking to me, she said I ruined her birthday. I'm not sure how... I didn't even know it was her birthday.

I was so happy and content as I watched the wife drift off last night. Her dinghy's got a puncture and she's a poor swimmer.

A man tells his Rabbi, "I have a strong desire to live until eternity. What should I do?" "Get married" said the Rabbi. "Is it that simple? He said. Would that allow me to live forever?" He said. The Rabbi replied, "No but the desire will soon disappear."

Last night after a few beers my mate asked if he could stay on my sofa. I had to explain to him that I'm married now so that's where I sleep.

My wife said she's leaving me because I invade her privacy too often. At least that's what it says in her diary.

As me and the wife headed off on a romantic holiday we talked about what kinky things we'd like to do to each other.
She said, "I've always wanted to be handcuffed." So I planted a kilo of coke in her suitcase.

Wife to husband "Let's go out and have some fun tonight! Husband: "Ok, but if you get home before I do, leave the hall light on."

Son: "Dad I've got a part in the school play. I play a man who's been married 25 years."
Dad: "Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part."

Wife accidentally hit our dog with her car. The poor thing was asleep on the couch at the time.

My mate is thinking about asking his ex wife to re-marry him...But he's worried she will think he is just after her for his money.

Two guys in a health club, one is putting on lace knickers. "Since when do you wear women's pants?"
"Since my wife found them in the glove compartment!"

My wife left me for another man. All that lies ahead now is a miserable, pointless life, with suicide seemingly the only way out.
And while he's going through all that, I'll be in the pub with my mates every night.

"My wife left a note on the fridge, ""It's not working. I can't take it anymore, I'm going to my mums house!""
I opened the fridge, the light came on, the beer was cold. What is she talking about?"

My wife said I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no reason.


Flight Attendant...


The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately.

"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking!
There is a very pretty, hot & sexy looking female passenger on board, who looks sad & quite frightened.
The man sitting beside her is a fat old slob, who looks like a leech, very sullen, mean, and dangerous!"

The captain responds...,
"Patricia, I've told you this before.

This is Air Force One..."
The only way is up

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » February 18th, 2020, 11:05 am

My written off Peugeot 406 is all good again. Took a while because of the weather but is back on the road -running well. TFFT :lol:

Tony.






From Canada.


1
When one door closes and another door opens you are probably in prison.



2
To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

3
When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

4
Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.”
Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

5
Cop: “Please step out of the car.”
Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

6
I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

7
I had my patience tested. I’m negative.

8
Remember, if you lose a sock in the dryer, it comes back as a Tupperware lid that doesn’t fit any of your containers.

9
If you’re sitting in public and a stranger takes the seat next to you, just stare straight ahead and say, “Did you bring the money?”

10
When you ask me what I am doing today, and I say “nothing,” it does not mean I am free. It means I am doing nothing.

11
Age 60 might be the new 40, but 9:00 is the new midnight.

12
I finally got eight hours of sleep. It took me three days, but whatever.

13
I run like the winded.

14
I hate when a couple argues in public, and I missed the beginning and don’t know whose side I’m on.

15
When someone asks what I did over the weekend, I squint and ask, “Why, what did you hear?”

16
I don’t remember much from last night, but the fact that I needed sunglasses to open the fridge this morning tells me it was awesome.

17
When you do squats, are your knees supposed to sound like a goat chewing on an aluminum can stuffed with celery?

18
I don’t mean to interrupt people. I just randomly remember things and get really excited.

19
When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “east.”

20
It’s the start of a brand-new day, and I’m off like a herd of turtles.

21
Don’t bother walking a mile in my shoes. That would be boring. Spend 30 seconds in my head. That’ll freak you right out.

22
That moment when you walk into a spider web suddenly turns you into a karate master.

23
Sometimes, someone unexpected comes into your life outta nowhere, makes your heart race, and changes you forever. We call those people cops.

24
The older I get, the earlier it gets late.

25
My luck is like a bald guy who just won a comb.

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 27th, 2020, 10:47 am

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In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting
for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver,
she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

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Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still
couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again
reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again,
much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.



With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her
picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the
step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
screeched,



"How dare you touch my body . . . I don't even know who you are!"


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The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."






Tony Collins 1073
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Tony Collins 1073

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 27th, 2020, 11:02 am

Subject: Russian Olympic team ban.!


Russian Olympic pole vault champion says "she doesn't know what all the fuss is about".
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » March 30th, 2020, 12:47 am

They are getting hard to find.

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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 8th, 2020, 7:39 am



Pope Francis, Trump, Johnson, Trudeau and a ten year old girl were on a doomed aircraft with only 4 parachutes. I need one said Trump I’m the smartest man in America and they need me to sort out Coronavirus. He jumps. Johnson and Trudeau say they too need to solve their country’s virus problems and they jump.


Pope Francis turns to the little girl and says, Mary, I’ve had a long and full life you take the last parachute, you still have all your life before you.

Father, the girl replies, there are still 2 parachutes, The smartest man in America took my school bag.


Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 8th, 2020, 7:39 am

A Gag

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 8th, 2020, 7:53 am

Follow the red arrow

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 12th, 2020, 9:31 pm

This should put a smile on your face.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ziE85BLnwWk

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 17th, 2020, 7:19 pm

[color=#400080][size=150] Joe was a successful lawyer, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his career and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across an old country doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches... the bad news is that it will require castration." You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "that's what I need .. a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 42 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "how about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said "sure..." The salesman eyed Joe and said "let's see...34 sleeves and...16 and a half neck." Joe was suprised, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years" Joe tried one the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked "how about some new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said "sure!" The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said "Let's see... 10-1/2...E." Joe said astonished, "that's right, how did you know?" "Been in business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked "how about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "sure!" The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said "Let's see... size 36." Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old." "The salesman shook his head, "you can't wear a size 34, it will press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Last edited by Tony Collins 1073 on April 26th, 2020, 11:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 21st, 2020, 1:31 pm

...
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Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » April 26th, 2020, 7:49 am

Up in the mountainous Scottish highlands, where the only means of transport is a horse, a doctor returns home late one evening. He unsaddles his horse, goes indoors and takes a shower. Drying himself at the roaring fire, the phone rings. He picks up the receiver: “Doctor McPhee.”

“Hello doctor! It’s Angus Stewart speaking. Can you come and visit us in a hurry?”

“What’s the problem Angus?”

“It’s the wee bairn doctor, she swallowed a contraceptive.”

“What type of contraceptive, the pill or a condom?”

“A condom, doctor.”

“That’s not too bad, make her cough it up.”

“We had tried that with no luck. Please help!”

“All right Angus, but it will take me the best part of an hour to get to your place.”

“I do appreciate that. Thank you, doctor McPhee.”



So the doctor gets dressed, goes out to the barn to saddle his horse, and as he goes indoors for his medical bag, the phone rings. He picks it up: “Doctor McPhee.”

“Hello doctor! It’s Angus Stewart again. I’m glad I caught you in time! There is no need for you to come and see us any more.”

“I am pleased to hear that Angus. What happened, did the wee bairn throw up the condom?”

“No, she didn’t, but we’ve found another one.”





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