Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 13th, 2015, 8:08 pm

Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.
When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.
The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'
'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 2nd, 2015, 10:40 am

Were you one of the lucky ones to be taught at home and receive these pearls of wisdom from your parents?



Most of our generation (60+) was HOME SCHOOLED in many ways.



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .

"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."



2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You'd better pray that will come out of the carpet."



3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"



4. My father taught me LOGIC.
" Because I said so, that's why."



5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."



6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."



7. My father taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."



8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS .
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."



9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck?"



10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."



11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."



12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"





13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out..."



14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"



15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who

don't have wonderful parents like you do."



16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."



17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it from your father when you get home!"



18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way."



19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"



20. My father taught me HUMOUR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."



21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT .

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."



22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."



23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"



24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand.



25. My father taught me about JUSTICE .

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you !"

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 12th, 2015, 10:52 am

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Steve Perry
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Perry » October 22nd, 2015, 5:36 pm

Finally, some useful facts are coming out of all those airport full body scans!

CATSA disclosed the following Airport Screening Results

July 28,2015 Statistics On Airport Full Body Screening From CATSA :

Terrorists Discovered 0

Transvestites 133

Hernias 1,485

Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

Enlarged Prostates 8,249

Breast Implants 59,350

Natural Blondes 3

It was also discovered that 408 politicians had no balls.

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 15th, 2015, 7:47 pm

A farmer stopped by the mechanic's shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he would walk home.


On the way he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry all his purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?'



The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?'



'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home.

On the way he says 'Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.

The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?'

The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?'

The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens."

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 15th, 2015, 7:55 pm

this might give you a chuckle.......
https://www.youtube.com/embed/mKodo4pNSI0

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 18th, 2015, 10:38 am

Ed Zachary Disease



A woman was very distraught over the fact that she had not had a date or any sex for over 5 years.

She was afraid she might have something wrong with her so she decided to seek the medical expertise

of the well known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.



Upon entering the examination room, Dr. Chang said, "OK, take off all your crose." The woman did as

she was told. "Now, get down and craw reery, reery fass to odder side of room." Again, the woman did

as she was instructed. Dr. Chang then said, "OK, now craw reery, reery fass back to me."



As she did, Dr. Chang shook his head slowly. "Your probrem vewy bad. You haf Ed Zachary Disease.

Worse case I ever see Dat why you not haf sex or dates." The woman asked anxiously, "Oh my God,

Dr. Chang, what is Ed Zachary Disease?"



Dr. Chang sighed deeply and replied, "Ed Zachary Disease is when your face look Ed Zachary like your ass."

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 2nd, 2015, 7:11 pm

Today's word is................. Fluctuations



I will never hear or see this word again without thinking of this joke.



I was at my bank today; there was a short line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady who was

trying to exchange yen for dollars. It was obvious she was a little irritated . . . She asked the teller, "Why it change?

Yesterday, I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?"

The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady says, "Fluc you white people too"

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 2nd, 2015, 7:16 pm

Got to try this camera shop....
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Stuart Solomon
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Stuart Solomon » December 3rd, 2015, 11:28 am

Excellent :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


Peter Smedley

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Peter Smedley » December 3rd, 2015, 8:44 pm

My wife went to play golf yesterday...she was badly hurt after being struck by lightening between the first and second holes :lol:

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 7th, 2015, 9:32 pm

Weight Loss Program

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5 lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5 lbs as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10 lbs program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10 lbs as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25 lbs program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

He lost 33 lbs that week..

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 20th, 2015, 8:39 am

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.

"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better if you scare the **** out of them first!"

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David Whiteley
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby David Whiteley » December 20th, 2015, 2:24 pm

Paul,

Do remember that in this unseasonably warm weather roadkill 'matures' more quickly, so we may need to add extra seasoning to it at East Kirkby to cover the 'extra' flavour.

Hairy Dave
Dave (Hairy)

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 21st, 2015, 4:49 am

heres one for you Dave.......
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fsidEpWmFfY

Peter Smedley

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Peter Smedley » December 21st, 2015, 6:34 am


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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 25th, 2015, 8:21 am

A Horse, A Chicken & A Harley

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink.

Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm.. Arriving at the farm, he searched and
searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor.

Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley.

Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him.

After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.

A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit and soon, he too, began to sink
and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over and straddled the large puddle.


Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his hangy-down thing and he would then lift him out of the pit.

The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story, (yep, you betcha there IS a moral!)?

"When You're Hung Like A Horse You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks".

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 11th, 2016, 3:01 pm

After making love to Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2 things you all need to know.
She really is as sexy as hell; secondly the staff at Madame Taussauds are miserable buggers with no sense of humour!!

Took the other half to a Disco last night. There was a bloke on the dance floor giving it large, break dancing back flips, moonwalking, the works.
The other half says, "That guy proposed to me 20 years ago and I turned him down." I replied, “Looks like he’s still celebrating."

A visiting foreigner has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; Police say it's definitely race related...

Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one, but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maid’s outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not the one for him.

After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

Mike Ellis
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Mike Ellis » January 14th, 2016, 11:21 pm

A trivia question :

Who played football for Celtic & Man Utd, also won a World Cup winners medal and also won a Lonsdale Belt ?

Answers please:


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