Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
Phil Cross
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Phil Cross » April 10th, 2016, 8:11 pm

Wow These are so VERY TRUE



Laws of Inverse Negative Dynamics

1. Law of Mechanical Repair - After your hands become coated with grease,

your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.




2. Law of Gravity - Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the

least accessible place in the universe.




3. Law of Probability - The probability of being watched is directly proportional

to the stupidity of your act.




4. Law of Random Numbers - If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy

signal; someone always answers.




5. Variation Law - If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will

always move faster than the one you are in now.




6. Law of the Bath - When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone

will ring.




7. Law of Close Encounters - The probability of meeting someone you know

INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.




8. Law of the Result - When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't

work, IT WILL!!!




9. Law of Biomechanics - The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to

the reach.





10. Law of Physical Surfaces - The chances of an open-faced jelly

sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost

of the carpet or rug.




11. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy - As soon as you find a

product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!




12. Doctors' Law - If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the

doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and

you'll stay sick.



If you don't forward this to your friends, your belly button will unscrew and your

butt will fall off.

Really...It's true. I read it on the internet!





" Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them

speak" - Anonymous

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » May 9th, 2016, 6:59 pm

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a saloon and sat down to drink a beer.


After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said

"Who owns the big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said,

"I do....Why?"


The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said,

"I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is almost dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion.



The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said,

"Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."

Tonto said,

"Sure, Kemosabe"

and took off running circles around Silver.


Not able to do anything else but wait,

the Lone Ranger returned to the saloon to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks,

"Who owns that big white horse outside?"

The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims,

"I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

(..I JUST LOVE THIS PART....)

"Nothing, but you left your injun runnin!"

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » June 2nd, 2016, 9:55 am

A Few Smiles For The Aged :D :D
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The only way is up

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » June 4th, 2016, 10:26 am

An Irishman went to confession in St. Patrick's Catholic Church.



'Father', he confessed, 'it has been one month since my last confession... I had sex with Fanny Green twice last month.'



The priest told the sinner, 'You are forgiven. Go out and say three Hail Mary's.'



Soon thereafter, another Irishman entered the confessional. 'Father, it has been two months since my last confession. I've had sex with Fanny Green twice a week for the past two months.'



This time, the priest questioned, 'Who is this Fanny Green?'
'A new woman in the neighborhood,' the sinner replied.
'Very well,' sighed the priest. Go and say ten Hail Mary's.



At mass the next morning, as the priest prepared to deliver the sermon, a tall, voluptuous, drop-dead gorgeous redheaded woman entered the sanctuary. The eyes of every man in the church fell upon her as she slowly sashayed up the aisle and sat down right in front of the priest. Her dress was green and very short, and she wore matching, shiny emerald-green shoes.



The priest and the altar boy gasped as the woman in the green dress and matching green shoes sat with her legs spread slightly apart, but just enough to realize she wasn't wearing any underwear.

The priest turned to the altar boy and whispered, 'Is that Fanny Green?'



The bug-eyed altar boy couldn't believe his ears but managed to calmly reply, 'No Father, I think it's just a reflection from her shoes'

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » June 4th, 2016, 10:28 am

The Best Joke In Ireland



John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life!, between the legs of me wife!"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.

The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » June 18th, 2016, 7:33 am

think you might try golf?
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Of course she can't see the ball.

Her glasses are on top of her head.

I’ll bet that YOU never even noticed that... you pervert!

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » June 19th, 2016, 8:18 pm

Waiting between Bishop Stortford and Harlow, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along the M11 motorway at 11MPH so he says to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly...eleven miles an hour!" ....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that M11 is the road number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.

"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » June 28th, 2016, 10:54 am

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This is Lexi, she’s an 8 week-old German Shepherd, I bought Lexi as a surprise for my wife but it turns out she is allergic to dogs so we are now looking to find her a new home.


She is 65 years old, a kind woman. She drives, is a good cook and will keep your clothes laundered and your house clean.

**************************************************************

THE TALKING CENTIPEDE

Finally a completely clean joke! Bet you forgot that there were still any
The Talking Centipede
A single guy decided life would be more fun
If he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store
And told the owner
That he wanted to buy an unusual pet.

After some discussion,
He finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug),
Which came in a little white box
To use for his house..

He took the box back home,
Found a good spot for the box,
And decided he would start off
By taking his new pet
To church with him.

So he asked the centipede in the box,
"Would you like to go
To church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer
From his new pet.

This bothered him a bit,
But he waited a few minutes
And then asked again,
"How about going
To church with me
And receive blessings?"

But again,
There was no answer
From his new friend and pet.
So he waited A few minutes more,
Thinking about the situation.

The guy decided
To invite the centipede
One last time.
This time he
Put his face up against
The centipede's house and shouted,
"Hey, in there!
Would you like to go To Church with me
And learn about God?"
.....
YOU ARE GOING TO LOVE THIS ......
This time, A little voice
Came out of the box,
"I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!"
The only way is up

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » July 11th, 2016, 10:28 pm

The Deaf Italian Bookkeeper...



A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00

His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place.

It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.



The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is!"

The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money?

Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."

The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."

The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!"

The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."

Guido trembles and signs, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house.

The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"

The lawyer replies, "He says f.... you, you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."



Don't you just love lawyers?

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » July 11th, 2016, 10:30 pm

Maybe the Best IRISH Joke Ever! Ii

Two paddies were working for the city public works department.
One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him
and fill the hole in.

They worked up one side of the street, then down the other,
then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day
without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't
understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger,


"I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work,
but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your
partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose
it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team.

But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."

Peter Smedley

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Peter Smedley » July 12th, 2016, 4:43 pm

Cowboy, who just moved to Wyoming from Texas , 
walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. He sits 
in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one 
in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the 
bar and orders three more.
 
 
The bartender approaches and tells the cowboy, 
"You know, a mug goes flat after I draw it. It would 
taste better if you bought one at a time."
 
 
The cowboy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. 
One is in Arizona , the other is in Colorado . When we all 
left our home in Texas , we promised that we'd drink this 
way to remember the days when we drank together. So 
I'm drinking one beer for each of my brothers and one 
for myself."
 
 
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, 
and leaves it there.
 
 
The cowboy becomes a regular in the bar, and always 
drinks the same way. He orders three mugs and drinks 
them in turn.
 
 
One day, he comes in and only orders two mugs. 
All the regulars take notice and fall silent. When he 
comes back to the bar for the second round, the 
bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, 
but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."
 
 
The cowboy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then 
a light dawns in his eyes and he laughs.
 
"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," he explains, "It's just 
that my wife and I joined the Baptist Church and 
I had to quit drinking.    Hasn't affected my 
brothers though.

Lynne Roberts
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Lynne Roberts » July 23rd, 2016, 6:32 am

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Now who does this remind you of?

Peter Smedley

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Peter Smedley » July 23rd, 2016, 6:44 am

That will be Cornwall for the next 6 weeks :oops: :evil:

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » July 31st, 2016, 9:17 am

An American fighter plane was flying over Afghanistan when he noticed a
flying carpet on each side of his plane, both with a machine gunner on
board.
Sensing danger he shot them down.
Back at base he got a right rollocking - apparently they were Allied
Carpets.

..... ... . . . . . . . . . ..
I was driving to work this morning when I saw an RAC van parked up.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself 'that guy's heading for a breakdown'.

. . . ... . . . . . . . . ..
On holiday recently in Spain I saw a sign saying 'English speaking Doctor'.
I thought;
"What a good idea, why don't we have them in our country."

. . . ... . . . . . . . . ..
The police came to my door last night holding a picture of my wife.
"Is this your wife sir?" said the officer.
"Yes it is" I replied.
"I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car accident" said the Officer...
"I know" I said, "but she has a lovely personality!"

. . . .. . . . . . . . . ..
Woke up this morning a bit late, about 8:15 ish. Called down to the wife and
got no answer.
Got up and went downstairs to the kitchen and there she was, Face down on
the floor. Dead!
At that moment I completely lost it, my whole world fell apart, tears were
welling in my eyes...............
Then a moment of pure inspiration........
....McDonalds do Breakfast until 10:30 !

. . . . . . . . . . . . ..
Two women were talking. "Do you look at your husband's face when you have
sex?"
"I did once & he looked really angry."
"Why angry?"
Because he was watching through the window.!

. . .. .. . . . . . . . . ...
Took a girl home from the pub last night but I ended up falling asleep on
the sofa...
Must have drunk her dam drink by mistake!

. . . ... . . . . . . . .
Last night I got so drunk that when I got to the bottom of the stairs, I
took off my shoes, coat, top, trousers and underwear.
Then I crept upstairs very quietly, so as not to wake the kids or my other
half.
It was only when I got to the very top I realised I was still on the bus
home.

. . . .. . . . . . . . . .
The government has announced that for the new school curriculum, boys are
going to study the workings of the female mind.
The lessons, however, will be changed on an hourly basis!

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 5th, 2016, 9:17 pm

A young Aussie lad moved to London and went to Harrods looking for a job.

The manager asked: 'Do you have any sales experience?'

The young man answered: 'Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Dubbo.'

The manager liked the Aussie so he gave him the job.

His first day was challenging and busy, but he got through it.

After the store was locked up, the manager came down and asked, 'OK, so how many sales did you make today?'

The Aussie said: 'One!'
The manager groaned and continued, 'Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?'
£3,124,237.64p.

The manager choked and exclaimed: £3,124,237.64! What the hell did you sell him?'

'Well, first I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium fish hook and then I sold him a new fishing rod.'

'Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he would need a boat, so we
went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Power Cat.
'Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to car sales and I sold him the 4 x 4.=
The manager, incredulous, said, 'You mean to tell me, a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a 4x4?'

'No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his lady friend and I said...

'Well, since your weekend's bugg#*#*, you might as well go fishing...'

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 6th, 2016, 4:49 am

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 10th, 2016, 7:21 pm

In Catholic schools students are taught that lying is a sin.
instructors are also advised that using a bit of
imagination is OK to express the truth differently without lying.

This is a perfect example of this teaching:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.....
An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest
beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favour?'

Of course child. What can I do for you?'

I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her
birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm
afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it
through customs for me? Could you possibly hide it under your
robes for me?'

'I would love to help you my dear but, I must warn you, I will not
tell a lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, I'm sure that no one will question
you.'

When they got to customs, she let the priest go first.

The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to
declare.'

The official thought this answer a little strange, so he asked,
'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument that has been designed for use on
women, but which, to date, remains unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next
please!’

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 16th, 2016, 10:06 pm

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » September 27th, 2016, 1:17 pm

Psychiatrist vs. Bartender ...

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear
of someone evil under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody
evil under it. I'm scared. I'm starting to have trouble sleeping, and I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year,
said the shrink. Come talk to me three times a week and we
should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.

“Why didn't you come to see me about those
fears you were having?” He asked.

“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year,
is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00!!
I was so happy to have saved all that money that
I went and bought a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said,
“and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody
under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion.
The only way is up

Phil Cross
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Phil Cross » October 30th, 2016, 9:24 pm

Appologies for the colourful language but

Marine Corps Fighter Pilot



After his plane was hit and he was forced to eject, the Marine Corps fighter pilot finally regained consciousness. He was in a hospital, in a lot of pain. He found himself in the ICU with tubes/IV drips in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function and a nurse hovering over him, looking worried. It was obvious he was in a life-threatening situation.

The nurse gave him a serious look, straight into his eyes. Knowing he was not only a fighter pilot, but a Marine, she spoke to him softly and slowly, enunciating each word: "You may not feel anything from the waist down."

Somehow he managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"


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