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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: June 7th, 2017, 4:25 pm
by paul needham
A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that **** before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: June 7th, 2017, 4:51 pm
by paul needham


To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan . She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,


Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: August 4th, 2017, 8:58 pm
by Phil Cross
Flight Report

The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger onboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

A Pilot's discipline

Posted: August 21st, 2017, 10:24 am
by Lynne Roberts
Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which
I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Should work with grandkids too!

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: September 5th, 2017, 7:30 pm
by paul needham
Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a primary school in the Gorbals district of Glasgow where she looked in on one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said Mrs Sturgeon........' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Mrs. Sturgeon 'that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Mrs Sturgeon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Alex Salmond was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
Fantastic!' exclaimed Nicola. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f-ing accident either!'

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: September 5th, 2017, 7:34 pm
by paul needham


This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show and slammed into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
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No one was killed, but it probably scared the **** out of them.

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: September 17th, 2017, 7:31 am
by Steve Perry
The Blackbird LA Speed Story

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: October 8th, 2017, 9:38 am
by Tony Collins 1073
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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.

Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
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Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy
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Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: October 30th, 2017, 8:29 pm
by paul needham
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb ... but all men ... are men!

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: October 30th, 2017, 8:30 pm
by paul needham
Global Facts About Sex - At any given moment:

*** 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

*** 58,000,000 are kissing.

*** 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

*** 1 older person is reading the LMA forum.

You hang in there, sunshine!!!

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: October 30th, 2017, 8:44 pm
by paul needham
Like they say, "Old age and cunning will overcome youth and skill!
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A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a very revealing outfit.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad"...

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: October 30th, 2017, 8:46 pm
by paul needham
Only a farm kid would see it this way!

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different….

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to
the other, mumbling to himself.

The young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to
borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to
your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad
about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: October 30th, 2017, 8:48 pm
by paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Posted: November 1st, 2017, 3:14 pm
by Jack Kennedy
What can I say :) :)

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