Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

continued from page 16

[Tony Collins 1073]

con.

[Tony Collins 1073]

THE GERMAN TOURIST JUMPED IN AND SAVED THE DOG.

UPON GETTING BACK UP ON THE BRIDGE HE CHECKED THE DOG OUT AND TOLD THE OWNER THAT

"ZER DOG IS OK, AND VILL BE FINE"



SHE ASKED IF HE WAS A VET?



HE REPLIED, "VET??? I'M F***ING SOAKED!"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Marital Bliss

mb1.jpg (140.08 KiB) Viewed 11954 times

Bill and his wife Blanche went to the state fair every year,

And every year Bill would say,

"Blanche, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "

Blanche always replied,

" I know, Bill, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks,

And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

One year Bill and

Blanche went to the fair, and Bill said,

" Blanche, I'm 75 years old.

If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance "

To this, Blanche replied,

" Bill that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks "

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

" Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!

But if you say one word it's fifty dollars. "

Bill and Blanche agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard.

He did his daredevil tricks,

But still not a word...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Bill and said,

"By golly , I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed!

"Bill replied,

" Well, to tell you the truth

I almost said something when Blanche fell out,

But you know,

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "

[Tony Collins 1073]

BEST SELLING LAMP FROM IKEA

[Tony Collins 1073]

Paddy

Paddy and Mick are working at the local sawmill.

One day, Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big
bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to
the local hospital.

Next day, Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.
The nurse says, Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it, but here's Mick out the back exercising his
now re-attached arm.

The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by, and then Mick slips and severs his leg on
another bloody big saw.
So Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to
hospital.
Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.
The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the
treadmill.
Very soon Mick comes back to work.

But, as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and
severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick
to Hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.
The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'
Paddy is shocked but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him
in.'
'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bugger put his head in a plastic bag
and he suffocated'.

[Tony Collins 1073]

If she gets up... she's in trouble!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new supermarket opened in Topeka , KS .

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

sc1.jpg (48.74 KiB) Viewed 11883 times

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

sc2.jpg (35.34 KiB) Viewed 11883 times

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

sc3.jpg (43.07 KiB) Viewed 11883 times

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

sc4.jpg (39.43 KiB) Viewed 11883 times

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.




I don't buy toilet paper there any more!!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Try to keep away from political but couldn't resist this.

Feeding the Birds....



Leave it to Maxine to come up with a solution for the mess that we are in economically now.

Maxine.jpg (135.75 KiB) Viewed 11828 times

I bought a bird feeder. I hung
It on my back porch and filled
It with seed. What a beauty of
A bird feeder it was, as I filled it
Lovingly with seed. Within a
Week we had hundreds of birds
Taking advantage of the
Continuous flow of free and
Easily accessible food.

But then the birds started
Building nests in the boards
Of the patio, above the table,
And next to the barbecue.

Then came the mess. It was
Everywhere: on the patio tile,
The chairs, the table ..
Everywhere!

Then some of the birds
Turned mean. They would
Dive bomb me and try to
Peck me even though I had
Fed them out of my own
Pocket.

And others birds were
Boisterous and loud. They
Sat on the feeder and
Squawked and screamed at
All hours of the day and night
And demanded that I fill it
When it got low on food.

After a while, I couldn't even
Sit on my own back porch
Anymore. So I took down the
Bird feeder and in three days
The birds were gone. I cleaned
Up their mess and took down
The many nests they had built
All over the patio.

Soon, the back yard was like
It used to be .. Quiet, serene....
And no one demanding their
Rights to a free meal.
Now let's see.....
Our government gives out
Free food, subsidized housing,
Free medical care and free
Education, and allows anyone
Born here to be an automatic
Citizen.

Then the illegals came by the
Tens of thousands. Suddenly
Our taxes went up to pay for
Free services; small apartments
Are housing 5 families; you
Have to wait 6 hours to be seen
By an emergency room doctor;
Your child's second grade class is
Behind other schools because
Over half the class doesn't speak
English.

Corn Flakes now come in a
Bilingual box; I have to
'press one ' to hear my bank
Talk to me in English, and
People waving flags other
Than our flag are
Squawking and screaming
In the streets, demanding
More rights and free liberties.

Just my opinion, but maybe
it's time for the government
To take down the bird feeder.

If you agree, pass it on; if not,
Continue cleaning up the mess......

[Tony Collins 1073]

God
said, 'Adam, I
Want you to do
Something for
Me.'

Adam
said, 'Gladly,
Lord, what do You
Want me to do?'


God
said, 'Go down
Into that
valley.'


Adam said, 'What's
a Valley?'



God explained it to

Him. Then God said,
'Cross the
river.'



Adam said, 'What's a
River?'



God explained that
To him, and then said,
'Go over to the
hill....'



Adam said, 'What is a
Hill?'



So, God explained to
Adam what a hill was.
He told Adam, 'On
The
other side of the
Hill you will find a
Cave.'



Adam said, 'What's a
Cave?'



After God explained,
He
said, 'In the cave
You will find a woman.'



Adam said, 'What's a
Woman?'



So God explained
That to him, too.
Then, God said, 'I
Want you
to
Reproduce.'



Adam said, 'How do
I do
that?'


God first said (under
His breath), 'Geez.....'



And then,
just like Everything else, God Explained that to
Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down
Into
the valley,

Across the river, and
Over the hill,
into the
Cave, and finds the
Woman.

Then, in
about five Minutes, he was back.



God,
His patience
Wearing thin, said
Angrily, 'What is
it
Now?'





'What's a
headache?'

[Tony Collins 1073]

This Is Awesome.

http://www.flixxy.com/airplane-flies-like-a-bird.htm

[Stuart Solomon]

An elderly man is on his deathbed.
He can feel that the end isn't far off when he suddenly notices a wonderful aroma.
He realises his loving wife of 60 years is baking his favourite, scones.
He finds the strength to drag himself to the kitchen and as he reaches his frail, withered hand up to the table, he suddenly feels the whack of a wooden spoon as his wife barks.

F**k off, they're for the funeral.

[Tony Collins 1073]

'GIGGLES N GRINS'

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont

f11.jpg (20.46 KiB) Viewed 11575 times

The joys of aging.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Okay.........here it is.
A test to see if your brain is still working.

Which one do you think is the blonde?

f20.jpg (165.17 KiB) Viewed 11577 times

Scroll down....
Amazing I did not see it before..

f21.jpg (252.78 KiB) Viewed 11577 times

The Blonde is the one with the wrong leg up.

That is OK I did not Pass the test EITHER!!!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Can't remember if I've posted this before but even if I have, it's good enough to go round again as I'm sure you'll agree.


Extracts from letters written to local councils from homeowners and renters in England.




1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence..

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen..

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. I am still having problems with smoke in my new drawers.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it..

18.. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

[Tony Collins 1073]

After Quasimodo's death, the bishop of the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The bishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin the screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer's job. The bishop was incredulous.

'You have no arms !'

'No matter,' said the man. 'Observe !'

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the carillon.
The bishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.
The stunned bishop rushed down two hundred and ninety five church steps, when he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure, drawn by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before.

As they silently parted to let the bishop through, one of them asked,

'Bishop, who was this man ?'.

'I don't know his name,' the bishop sadly replied,



( scroll down )





' ............... BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL'





WAIT ! WAIT ! There's more


The following day, despite the sadness that weighed heavily on his heart due to the unfortunate death of the armless campanologist, the bishop continued his interviews for the bell ringer of Notre Dame.

The first man to approach him said, 'Your Excellency, I am the brother of the poor armless wretch that fell to his death from this very belfry yesterday.
I pray that you honour his life by allowing me to replace him in this duty.'

The bishop agreed to give the man an audition, and, as the armless man's brother stooped to pick up a mallet to strike the first bell, he groaned, clutched at his chest, twirled around, and died on the spot.

Two monks, hearing the bishop's cries of grief at this second tragedy, rushed up the stairs to his side.

'What has happened ? Who is this man ?' the first monk asked breathlessly.



'I don't know his name,' sighed the distraught bishop, 'but...'





(. . . Wait for it ...)




(.. . . It's worth it.. ..)






'HE'S A DEAD RINGER FOR HIS BROTHER.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

HOW WELL DO YOU KNOW YOUR THEOLOGY ?



Who was the 3rd man in history to walk on water?


* The 1st was Jesus..

* The 2nd was the apostle, Peter.

Then there was this guy from Spain named Pedro....

*

[Tony Collins 1073]

knckers.jpg (21.98 KiB) Viewed 11242 times

Little Emily went home from school and told her mum that the boys kept asking her to do cartwheels because she's very good at them.
Mum said, "You should say "No" -they only want to look at your knickers."
Emily said, "I know they do.


That's why I hide them in my bag"!