Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

It was Friday morning, and that meant it was time for an activity that the teacher called 'Add to the picture'.
The teacher would call students to the chalkboard one at a time. The first student would draw an object on the chalkboard, and each following student would add something to the picture to make it a new picture.


The teacher called on James to start things off.

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James returned to his seat.

The teacher called on Ernie next.

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Ernie returned to his seat.

Now it was Suzy's turn.

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Suzy returned to her seat.

Next, the teacher called Jerry to the board.

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Jerry returned to his seat.

Kim was called to the board.

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[Tony Collins 1073]

Kim returned to her seat.

About this time, little Johnny began waving his arm hysterically. Little Johnny was well known for being off centre, so the teacher was reluctant to call on him for anything. But as the teacher looked at the picture on the chalkboard, she thought that there was no way that little Johnny could possibly do anything to make this picture dirty. So she called on little Johnny, and he ran to the chalkboard.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Irish Birth Control



Mrs. Donovan was walking down
O'Connell Street in Dublin when
She met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin'
To ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan
And didn't I marry ye and yer
Hoosband two years ago?'

She replied, 'Aye, that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there
Any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now,
I'm going to Rome next week
And I'll light a fertility candle for ye
And yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye, Father...'
They then parted ways..

Some years later they met again.
The Father asked, 'Well now,
Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'
She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!'
The Father asked, 'And tell me ,
Have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father!
Two sets of twins and six singles,
Ten in all!'

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The Father said, 'That's wonderful!
And how is yer loving hoosband doing?'

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She replied,

'E's gone to Rome
To blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

ENJOY - A Blonde's Year in Review
January

Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels. Helllloooo!!!bottles
won't fit in printer!!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months. Box said ' 2-4
years!'

April
Trapped on escalator for hours. Power went out!!!

May
Tried to make Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions. 8 cups of water won't fit
into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go water skiing. Couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition. Learned later that the other
swimmers cheated- they used their arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm. Darn car filled up with water
because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is 'C'.....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's. They are so hard to peel.

November
Baked Thanksgiving turkey for 4 1/2 days. Instructions said bake 1 hour per
pound and I weigh 108!!

December
Couldn't call 911. 'Duh'.....there's no 'eleven' button on the stupid
phone!!!

THE BEST BLONDE JOKE OF THE YEAR - SO FAR

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female
neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox.

She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back in the house.

A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and
again, opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again,
marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than
ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, 'Is something wrong?'

To which she replied, 'There certainly is!'

(Are you ready? This is a beauty...)



'My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!'

[Tony Collins 1073]

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about thoroughbred horses. When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other. The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their underpants, and began hoisting the children up, one by one, holding their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, 'You must be in Year Four.' "No, love," he replied.

"I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15

[Tony Collins 1073]

A Kind Hearted Scotsman

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My wife and I walked past a swanky new
restaurant last night.

"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"

Being the nice guy I am, I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"

So we walked past it again.

[Andy Wood]

The Greek bail out and how it works

It is a slow day in a little Greek Village . The rain is beating down and the
streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt, and everybody
lives on credit.

On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving
through the village, stops at the local hotel and lays a e100 note on the desk,
telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick
one to spend the night.

The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs,
the hotelier grabs the e100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.

The butcher takes the e100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.

The pig farmer takes the e100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.

The guy at the Farmers' Co-op takes the e100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the taverna.

The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been
facing hard times and has had to offer him "services" on credit.

The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the e100 note.

The hotel proprietor then places the e100 note back on the counter so the rich German will not suspect
anything. At that moment the German comes down the stairs, picks up the e100 note, states that
the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money, and leaves town.


No one produced anything. No one earned anything.

However, the whole village is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism and the German has his money back.


And that is how the bailout package works.

.

[Tony Collins 1073]

..

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THE AMAZING HUMAN BODY.

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.

The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.

Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.

A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.

There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.

Women blink twice as often as men.

The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.

Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

If saliva cannot dissolve something, you cannot taste it.

Women will be finished reading this by now.

Men are still busy checking their thumbs. [sorry guys]

[Tony Collins 1073]

A senior citizens group charters a bus for an overnight gambling casino trip.
An elderly woman comes up to the bus driver and says, 'I've just been molested!'
The driver felt that she had fallen asleep and had a dream. So he tells her to go back to her seat and sit down.
A short time later, another old woman comes forward and claims that she was just molested. The driver thought he had a bus load of old wackos, but who would be molesting these old ladies?
About 10 minutes later, a third old lady comes up and says that she'd been molested too.
The bus driver decides that he'd had enough and pulls into the first rest area.
When he turns the lights on and stands up, he sees an old man on his hands and knees crawling in the aisles.
'Hey gramps, what are you doing down there?' says the bus driver.
'I lost my toupee. I thought I found it three times, but every time I tried to grab it, it gets up and runs away!'

[Tony Collins 1073]

..

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Someone asked the other day, 'What was your favourite 'fast food' when you were growing up?'

'We didn't have fast food when I was growing up,' I informed him.'Except for Fish & Chip shops and we ate it all so unhygenically from newspaper wrappers'
'All the other food was slow.'

'C'mon, seriously... Where did you eat?'

'It was a place called 'home,' I explained.
'Mum cooked every day and when Dad got home from work, we sat down together at the dining room table, and if I didn't like what she put on my plate, I was allowed to sit there until I did like it.'

By this time, the lad was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to suffer serious internal damage, so I didn't tell him the part about how I had to have permission to leave the table.

But here are some other things I would have told him about my childhood if I'd figured his system could have handled it:

Some parents NEVER owned their own house, wore jeans, set foot on a golf course, travelled out of the country and credit cards had not been invented.

My parents never drove me to school. I had my mothers bicycle that weighed probably 50 pounds, and only had one speed, (slow).

We didn't have a television in our house until I was 15!
It was, of course, black and white, and the station went off the air at 10 pm, after playing the national anthem and epilogue; it came back on the air at about 4 p.m. and there was usually locally produced news and everything was live.....or film.

I never had a telephone in my room. The only phone was on a party line. Before you could dial, you had to listen and make sure some people you didn't know weren't already using the line

Pizzas were not delivered to our home... But milk was, and the bread.

All newspapers were delivered by boys and many boys delivered newspapers --Many of us delivered newspaper's, seven days a week, and had to get up at 6AM every morning.
Yes, that was me in my yoof.
Film stars kissed with their mouths shut. At least, they did in the films. There were no movie ratings because all movies were responsibly produced for everyone to enjoy viewing, without profanity or violence (except cowboy films) or almost anything offensive.

If you grew up in a generation before there was fast food, you may want to share some of these memories with your children or grandchildren. Just don't blame me if they bust a gut laughing.
Growing up isn't what it used to be, is it?

MEMORIES from a friend:
My Dad is cleaning out my grandmother's house (she died in December) and he brought me an old Royal Crown Cola bottle. In the bottle top was a stopper with a bunch of holes in it... I knew immediately what it was, but my daughter had no idea. She thought they had tried to make it a salt shaker or something. I knew it as the bottle that sat on the end of the ironing board to 'sprinkle' clothes with because we didn't have steam irons. Man, I am old.

How many do you remember?
Headlight dip-switches on the floor of the car.
Ignition switches on the dashboard. There were two postal deliveries per day.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night. Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators. Corona fizzy drinks were delivered in glass bottles by lorry each week, and the empties returned.
Trouser leg clips for bicycles without chain guards. The street lights were turned off at about 11pm each night.Soldering irons you heated on a gas burner.
Using hand signals for cars without turn indicators. Corona fizzy drinks were delivered in glass bottles by lorry each week, and the empties returned.

Older that dirt quiz. Count all the ones that you remember, not the ones you were told about.
Ratings at the bottom.
1. Sweet cigarettes
2. Coffee shops with juke boxes
3. Home milk delivery in glass bottles
4.. Party lines on the telephone
5. Newsreels before the film
6. TV test card patterns that came on at night after the last show and were there until TV shows started again. (There were only 2 channels [if you were fortunate])
7.. Peashooters
8. 78 rpm records
9. 45 RPM records
10. Hi-fi's
11. Metal ice trays with levers
12. Blue flashbulbs
13. Cork popguns
14. Wash tub wringers

If you remembered 0-3 = You’re still young
If you remembered 3-6 = You are getting older
If you remembered 7-10 = Don't tell your age
If you remembered 11-14 = You're positively ancient!

I must be 'positively ancient' but those memories are some of the best parts of my life.

Don't forget to pass this along!!
Especially to all your really OLD friends....I just did!!!!!!!!!



[ PS. I USED LARGE TYPE SO YOU COULD READ IT EASILY ]

[Tony Collins 1073]

A young blonde girl in her late teens, wanting to earn some extra money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy woman" and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.



She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.



"Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint the porch" he said. "How much will you charge me?"



Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about £50?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and brushes and everything she would need were in the garage.



The man's wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, "Does she realize that our porch goes ALL the way around the house?"



"That's a bit cynical, isn't it?" he responded. The wife replied, "You're right. I guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde jokes."



A few hours later the blonde came to the door to collect her money. "You're finished already??" the startled husband asked.



"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I even had paint left over so I gave it two coats."



Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the £50 and handed it to her along with a £10 tip.**



"Thank you," the blonde said.........



.

.

.





.
"And, by the way, it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus.."

[Tony Collins 1073]

SOMETHING A BIT FISHY HERE!!


http://www.wimp.com/airswimmers/

[Tony Collins 1073]

Mexican Oysters

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking
platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell
was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called
Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day
because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and
place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening
was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites,
inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are
delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve
yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, 'Si, Senor.

Sometimes the bull wins!!!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

An old lady dies and goes to heaven.

She's chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams ..

Don't worry about that,' says St. Peter, 'It's only someone having the holes drilled into her shoulder blades for the wings.'

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.


A few minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams .

'Oh my Goodness,' says the old lady, 'now what is happening?'

'Not to worry,' says St. Peter, 'She's just having her head drilled to fit the halo ...'

'I can't do this,' says the old lady, 'I'm going to hell .'

'You can't go to that nasty place,' says St. Peter. 'You'll be raped and taken advantage of.'

'Maybe so,' says the old lady, but I'm already equipped for that.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

Read the directions carefully!!



ALZHEIMER'S COLOUR TEST



More difficult than you might think

These are the things we're supposed to do to remove the cholesterol around our brain and try to slow up Alzheimer's Disease. It took me 2 tries before I could finally tell this brain of mine to concentrate. A great test, do it until you get 100%!
Bet you can't get 100% on the first try! But I'm rootin' for ya...
This is pretty neat! See how you do with the colours! Have fun!
It takes an average of 5 tries to get to 100%.. Follow the directions!
It's harder than it seems, as it should be!
A brain waker-upper for today!




http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/8787/colortest.swf

[Tony Collins 1073]

As you may have noticed, there has not been much going on lately. My main source of material is not in the frame at the moment. Just hoping that things return to normal. However If you enjoy this thread and want to see it continue, then perhaps you may contribute anything interesting that you come across. You know what they say, many hands make light work. In the meantime I have a few bits that I can post


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THE PERFECT PHOTGRAPHIC ANGLES.

[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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