Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Please note........ There is also a posting for this date on the previous page which some may have missed.--------------------------------------------------------------------


Glasgow Advice







A woman goes to the Doctor in Glasgow, worried about her husband's temper and threatening manner.

The Doc asks, "What's the problem, Janet?"

The woman says, "Weeell, Doctor Cameron, I dinae know what to do. Every time ma hubbie comes home drunk, he threatens to slap me aroon."

The Doctor says, "Aye, well... I have a real good cure for that. When your husband arrives home intoxicated, just take a wee glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he goes to bed and is sound asleep."

Two weeks later, she comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. She says, "Doctor, that was brilliant! Evrae time ma hubbie came home drunk, I swished with water. I swished an' swished, and he didnae touch me even once! Tell me, Doc...wha's the secret? How's the water do that?"

The Doctor says, "Janet, it's really nae big secret. The water does bugger all - it's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick..."

[Steve Mansell]

A tribute to Frank Carson

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it.
I thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they were £70!!! Blow this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web.


I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.


I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.


I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van parked up. The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable. I thought to myself that guy's heading for a breakdown.

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.


My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that, 2:30am?! Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.


Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador." Sod that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"


Man calls 999 and says "I think my wife is dead" The operator says how do you know? He says "The sex is the same but the ironing is building up!"


I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!! At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.


A wife says to her husband you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back. He says what do you expect? You're in a wheelchair.


I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said you're obviously not listening.


The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.


The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter', who has stabbed six people in the village in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be following some kind of pattern.

Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their picks nicked


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service

[Tony Collins 1073]

double post

[Tony Collins 1073]

IRISH versus THE FRENCH!



The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.

'Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!' a heavily accented voice said. 'This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland . I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!'

'Well Paddy, Sarkozy replied. How big is your army?'


'Right now,' says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, 'there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!'

Sarkozy paused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.'

'Begorra!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to ring you back.'

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!'

'And what equipment would that be Paddy?' Sarkozy asks.

'Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor.'

Sarkozy sighs amused. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke.'


'Saints preserve us!' says Paddy. 'I'll have to get back to you.'


Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. 'Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!'


Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. 'I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200, 000!'


'Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!' says Paddy, 'I will have to ring you back.'


Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. 'Top o' the mornin', Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.'


'Really? I am sorry to hear that,' says Sarkozy. 'Why the sudden change of heart?'


'Well,' says Paddy, 'we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no f****n' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners.

[Tony Collins 1073]

It's register time on the first day back at school in Birmingham ..
The teacher began calling out the names of the pupils:

"Mustafa El Ekh Zeri?"
"Here."

"Achmed El Kabul ?"
"Here."

"Fatima Al Chadoury? "
"Here."

"Abdul Alu Ohlmi?"
"Here."

"Mohammed Ibn Achrha?"
"Here."

"Mi Cha El Mey Er" Silence in the classroom.
"Mi Cha El Mey Er"

Continued silence as everyone looked around the room. She repeated,
"Is there any child here called Mi Cha El Mey Er ?"

A small boy arose and said, "Sorry teacher. I think that's me. It's
pronounced 'Michael Meyer'."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Distinction between Guts and Balls

GB.gif (165.79 KiB) Viewed 13145 times

To those of you who are nit-pickers about the meaning of words: there is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls. We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls, but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - is arriving home late, after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask, “Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?”

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, and slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say,
“You're next, Chubby.”

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome. Both result in death.

[Andy Wood]

Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday." Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them, because I wasn't even home yesterday."

Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. Three years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. Two years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant. Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?. Paddy replies - I'll take her with me!

Paddy: "Christmas is on a Friday this year" Mick: "Let's hope it's not the 13th."

Paddy and Mick find three grenades, so they take them to a police station. Mick: "What if one explodes before we get there?" Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two."

Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?" Paddy says, "Yes, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Paddy goes to the vet with his goldfish. "I think it's got epilepsy". Vet: "It seems calm enough to me". Paddy: "I haven't taken it out of the bowl yet".

Paddy spies a letter lying on his doormat. It says on the envelope "DO NOT BEND ". Paddy spends the next 2 hours trying to figure out how to pick the bloody thing up.

Paddy shouts frantically into the phone "My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!" "Is this her first child?" asks the Doctor. "No", shouts Paddy, "this is her husband!"

Paddy was driving home, drunk as a skunk. Suddenly he has to swerve to avoid a tree, then another, then another. A cop car pulls him over as he veers about all over the road. Paddy tells the cop about all the trees in the road. Cop says, "For God's sake. Paddy, that's your air freshener swinging about!"

An Irish farmer's dog goes missing, and he's inconsolable. His wife says, "Why don't you put an advert in the paper?" He does, but two weeks later the dog is still missing. "What did you put in the paper?" his wife asks. "Here boy," he replies.

Paddy's in gaol. Guard sees him hanging by his feet. Guard: "What the hell you doing?"Paddy: "Hanging myself." Guard: "It should be around your neck." Paddy: "I know, but I couldn't breathe".

American tourist: "Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" Irishman: "If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the bloody boat."

[Tony Collins 1073]

.

Indian.jpg (80.88 KiB) Viewed 12872 times

A woman from New York was
driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car
broke down.
An American Indian on
horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby
town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they
rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every
few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.
When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms around his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

[Tony Collins 1073]

.

Boobs.gif (64.79 KiB) Viewed 12874 times

A blonde gets home from work early and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs only to find her husband naked lying on the bed, sweating and panting.

'Oh my God, what's up?' she asks.

'I think I'm having a heart attack,' - cries the husband..

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mummy, Mummy, Aunty Shirley is hiding in the wardrobe and she has no clothes on"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms back upstairs into the bedroom

Goes right past her husband....rips open the wardrobe door and sure enough, there is her sister, totally naked and cowering on the floor.

'You rotten Bitch', she screams, 'My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked playing hide and seek with the kids!!'

[Tony Collins 1073]

.

[Tony Collins 1073]

.

[Tony Collins 1073]

A young girl started work in the village chemist shop. She was very
shy about having to sell condoms to the public. The owner was going on
holiday for a couple of days and asked if she would be willing to run
the shop on her own. She had to confide in him her worries about
selling the contraceptives.
"Look," he said. "My regular customers don’t ask for condoms, they'll
ask for a 310 [small] a 320[medium] or a 330[large]. The word condom
won’t even be used.
The first day was fine but on the second day a black guy came in to
the shop, put out his hand and said "350"..
The girl panicked. She phoned the owner on his mobile and told him of
her predicament.
"Go back in and check if he has a yellow bucket hanging between his
legs" her boss told her.
She peeped through the door and saw the yellow bucket hanging between
his legs. "Yes "!!!! she screamed " He's got one hanging there"....!
The boss said "Go back in and give him £3-50......................

He's the bloody window cleaner"!!!!!!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Jamaican government did a study to see why there are so many deadly motorcycle accidents in Jamaica

I think you'll be surprised at the results. Scroll down to the bottom.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Golf Balls
A man entered the bus with both of his pants pockets full of
golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time,
deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her
curiosity any longer, she asked,



"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

_____________________________________


The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland. It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.

The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."

The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland? "The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland.
"You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: "My wife is from Scotland"


________________________________________

oc.jpg (144.49 KiB) Viewed 12733 times

Morris returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the Doctor has told him that he has only 24 hours to live.

Given the prognosis, Morris asks his wife for sex.

Naturally, she agrees, so they make love.

About 6 hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says,

'Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live.

Could we please do it one more time?'

Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.

Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left.

He touches his wife's shoulder and asks,

'Honey, please... just one more time before I die.'

She says, 'Of course, Dear,' and they make love for the third time.

After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.

Morris, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours.

He taps his wife, who rouses. 'Honey, I have only 4 more hours....

Do you think we could...'

At this point the wife sits up and says,

'Listen Morris, enough is enough!! I have to get up in the morning... you don't.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty, and was leaving his Mission

in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives when he

realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and

says to the chief, 'This is a tree.'

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, 'Tree.'

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he

points to a rock and says, 'This is a rock.'

Hearing this, the chief looks and grunts, 'Rock.'

The Priest was really getting enthusiastic about the results when he hears

a rustling in the bushes. As they peek over the top, he sees a couple of

natives in the midst of heavy sexual activity.

The Priest is really flustered and quickly responds, 'Man riding a bike.'

The chief looks at the couple briefly, pulls out his blowgun and kills them.

The Priest goes ballistic and yells at the chief that he has spent years

teaching how to be civilized and be kind to each other, so how

could he kill these people in cold blood that way?

The chief replied, 'My bike.'



Enjoy your day and remember to keep off the roads when riding someone else’s bicycle!

[Tony Collins 1073]

During his physical examination, a doctor asked a man about his physical activity level.

He described a typical day this way:

"Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7km through some pretty rough terrain.

I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles.

I got sand in my shoes and my eyes.

I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills.

I took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees.

The mental stress of it all left me shattered.

At the end of it all I drank eight beers"

Inspired by the story, the doctor said,

"You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"

"No," he replied,

"I'm just a **** golfer".

[Tony Collins 1073]

I'm sure that you have seen pharmaceutical
advertising in doctor's offices on everything
from tissues to note pads.
This one should get First prize...

ER.jpg (88.07 KiB) Viewed 12659 times

I e-mailed it to my Japanese doctor friend;
he e-mailed back:
"If light stay on more than 4 hour,
Call erectrician.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Every year Susan goes on holiday with her flat-mate.

[Tony Collins 1073]

We lead the world again.



http://t.co/9B8HqHak

[Tony Collins 1073]

THE NAVY


The Royal Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for Retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body... The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of His head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of £72,000...

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with £96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief Stoker who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, 'From the tip of my penis to my testicles.'

It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big cheques the previous two Officers had received. But old the Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measure was taken by a Medical Officer.

The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to drop 'em,' which He did.

The Medical Officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief's penis and began to work back. Dear Lord!' he suddenly exclaimed, 'Where are your testicles?'

The Old Chief calmly replied, ' The Falkland Islands'.