Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......

This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 70's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much
for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......

This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.



Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot.

At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers;they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies. The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.

Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and digbicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve. "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.


The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let off a fig bart.. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.

Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and a hig bard on.

He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly. Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married.

The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny.

[paul needham]

This will confuse you,

Black and White Tights Dance (video)

A group of young girls in black and white tights perform a trippy dance to the popular tune of German folk-rock polka band Hiss.

http://www.flixxy.com/black-and-white-tights-dance.htm

[paul needham]

Be afraid



IDIOT SIGHTING No.1

My daughter and I went to the McDonald's check-out to pay our bill and I gave the clerk a £5 note.

Our total bill was £4.20, so I also handed her a 20 pence piece.

She said, 'You gave me too much money.'

I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me £1 back.'

She sighed and went to get the Manager who asked me to repeat my request.

I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but we do not do that kind of thing.'

The clerk then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change.


Do not confuse the clerks at MacDonald's in St Albans , Hertfordshire.!!


IDIOT SIGHTING No2

We had to have the garage door repaired The GARADOR repairman told us

that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.

I thought for a moment, and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.

He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two..'

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park , near Watford .



IDIOT SIGHTING No3

I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the

Highways Department to request the removal of the 'DEER CROSSING' sign

from our road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars on this stretch of road! I don't

think this is a good place for them to be crossing, any-more.'


Story from Potters Bar, Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 4

My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried Chicken and ordered a Taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.'

He said he was sorry, but they only had Iceberg Lettuce.


>From South Oxhey , Hertfordshire.



IDIOT SIGHTING No 5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked,

'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?'

To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?'

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'



Happened at Luton Airport



IDIOT SIGHTING No 6

The traffic light on the corner buzzes when the lights turn red and it is safe to cross the road.

I was crossing with an intellectually challenged friend of mine

She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for.

I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.

Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Council employee in St Albans , Hertfordshire. (And she's NOT blonde)


IDIOT SIGHTING No7

When my husband and I arrived at our local Ford dealer to pick up our car,

we were told the keys had been locked in it.

We went to the Service Department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the Driver's door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door-handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!'

His reply: 'I know. I already did that side.'

This was at the Ford dealership in St Albans , Hertfordshire.





STAY ALERT! They walk among us.AND THEY BREED!

[paul needham]

found a way of making things like agm's a bit more exciting....
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3KZeO5oc428

[Bob Thompson1894]

You have access to a defibrillator?

[paul needham]

Late Night Phone Call To The Vet

A dog lover, whose dog was a female and "in heat', agreed to look after her neighbor`s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.

She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart. However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

Having explained the problem to him, the vet said,

"Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection and he will be able to withdraw."

"Do you think that will work?" she asked.

"Just worked on me," he replied.

[paul needham]

Husband: Oh, come on.
Wife: Leave me alone!
Husband: It won't take long.
Wife: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
Husband: I can't sleep without it.
Wife: Why do you think of things like this in the middle of the night?
Husband: Because I'm hot.
Wife: You get hot at the darnedest times.
Husband: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.
Wife: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Husband: You don't love me anymore.
Wife: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
Husband: Please...go on.
Wife: All right, I'll do it.
Husband: What's the matter? You need a flashlight?
Wife: I can't find it in the dark.
Husband: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!
Wife: There! Are you satisfied?
Husband: Oh, yes.
Wife: Is it up far enough?
Husband: Yeah! that's good.
Wife: Right! Now go to sleep.
And the next time you want the bloody window open, do it yourself.

[paul needham]

> Two Irishmen were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.
>
> A blonde walks by and asked them what they were doing
>
> Paddy replied, 'We're supposed to be finding the height of this
> Flagpole, but we don't have a ladder.'
>
> The blonde took out an adjustable spanner from her bag, loosened a few
> Bolts and laid the flagpole down.
>
> She got a tape measure out of her pocket, took a few measurements, and
> Announced that it was 18 feet 6 inches.
>
> Then, she walked off.
>
> Mick said to Paddy, 'Isn't that just like a blonde!
>
> We need the bloody height, and she gives us the length.

[paul needham]

shouldn't belittle ones self.....

[paul needham]

Heres one for the dog lovers out there....

[paul needham]

the front fell off....
you may already have seen this clip from Australia but its still funny...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3m5qxZm_JqM

[RichardVaughanDavies]

Well it certainly made me laugh. :-)

Still on the australasia theme, this one might raise a smile...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hkmeoYKYctw

[paul needham]

The Priest's Ass
>
> The Priest entered his donkey in a race and it won.
>
> The Priest was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in another race and it won again.
>
> The local paper read:
> PRIEST'S
> ASS OUT FRONT.
>
> The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
> publicity that he ordered
> the Priest not to enter the donkey in another race.
>
> The next day the local paper headline
> read:
> BISHOP
> SCRATCHES
> PRIEST'S
> ASS.
> This was too much for the Bishop so he
> ordered the Priest to get rid
> of the donkey.
>
> The Priest decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.
>
> The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
> the following headline the
> next day:
>
> NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.
>
> The Bishop fainted.
>
> He informed the Nun that she would have to
> get rid of the donkey so she
> sold it to a farmer for $10.
> The next day the paper read:
>
> NUN
> SELLS HER ASS FOR $10.
>
> This was too much for the Bishop so he
> ordered the Nun to buy back the
> donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
> wild.
>
> The next day the headlines read:
>
> NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
> The Bishop was buried the next day.
>
> The moral of the story is . . . being
> concerned about public opinion can
> bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
> life.
>
> So be yourself and enjoy life.
>
> Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
> you'll be a lot happier and live longer!
>
> Have a nice day

[paul needham]

Two Irish nuns have just arrived in USA by
boat, and one says to the other, "I hear that
the people in this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we
shall live in America, we might as well do
as the Americans do."

As they sit, they hear a pushcart vendor
yelling, "Hot dogs, get your dogs here," and
they both walk towards the hot dog cart.

"Two dogs, please!" says one. The vendor is
very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs
in foil and hands them over.

Excitedly, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin
to unwrap their ‘dogs’. The mother superior is
first to open hers.

She begins to blush, and then after staring at it
for a moment, leans to the other nun and in a
soft brogue whispers, "What part did you get?"

[paul needham]

NO Speak English
A German woman married an American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town.


The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...
(Please scroll down.)









What were you Thinking?


Her husband speaks English....hellooo!

I worry about you Sometimes!

[paul needham]

> A SHORT LOVE STORY
>
> A man and a woman who had never met before,
>
> But who were both married to other people,
>
> Found themselves assigned to the same sleeping
> room
>
> on a Trans-continental train.
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over
>
> sharing a room,
>
> They were both very tired and fell asleep
> quickly,
>
> he in the upper berth and she in the lower..
>
> lower.
>
> At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke
> the
>
> woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,
>
>
>
>
> I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?
>
>
> I'm
> awfully cold.'
>
>
> 'I have a better
> idea,' she replied
> 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're
> married.'
>
> 'Wow!....................
> That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
>
>
>
> 'Good,' she replied.
>
> .............'Get your own f---king blanket.'
>
>
>
> After a moment of silence, ......................he
>
> farted.
>
>
>
> The End

[paul needham]

As I was lying around, pondering the problems of the world, I realized that at my age I don't really give a rat's **** anymore.

.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal.
.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, but is still fat.
.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years, while
.. A tortoise doesn't run and does mostly nothing, yet it lives for 150 years.
And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so.
Just grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to remember the ones I do, and the
eyesight to tell the difference.
Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered:
1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
2. My wild oats are mostly enjoyed with prunes and all-bran.
3. I finally got my head together, and now my body is falling apart.
4. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
5. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
6. If all is not lost, then where the heck is it ?
7. It was a whole lot easier to get older, than to get wiser.
8. Some days, you're the top dog; some days you're the hydrant.
9. I wish the buck really did stop here; I sure could use a few of them.
10. Kids in the back seat cause accidents.
11. Accidents in the back seat cause kids.
12. It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.
13. The world only beats a path to your door when you're in the bathroom.
14. If God wanted me to touch my toes, he'd have put them on my knees.
15. When I'm finally holding all the right cards, everyone wants to play chess.
16. It's not hard to meet expenses . . . they're everywhere.
17. The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
18. These days, I spend a lot of time thinking about the hereafter . . .I go somewhere to get something, and then wonder what I'm "here after".
19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded.
20. HAVE I SENT THIS MESSAGE TO YOU BEFORE..........??????

[paul needham]

Forgot my glasses
Yesterday my daughter again asked why I didn't do something useful with my time. Talking about my "doing something useful" seemed to be her favorite topic of conversation. She was "only thinking of me" and suggested I go down to the senior center and hang out with the guys. I did this and when I got home last night I decided to teach her a lesson about staying out of my business. I told her that I had joined a parachute club.
She said, "Are you nuts? You 're almost 75 years old and you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?" I proudly showed her that I even got a membership card.
She said to me, "Good grief, where are your glasses!
This is a membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."
"I'm in trouble again, and I don't know what to do... I signed up for five jumps a week." I told her. She fainted.
Life as a senior citizen is not getting any easier but sometimes it can be fun.

[paul needham]

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband.Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates.


"You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.

The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the first floor the sign on the door
reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'But I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak..

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor #31,456,012 to this floor.
There are no men on this floor.
This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have their own money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[paul needham]

Fred's Funeral




Fred works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling,

And plays golf every Saturday..



His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she

Takes him to a local strip club.



The doorman at the club greets them and says,

""Hey, Fred! How ya doin?"



His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.



"Oh no," says Fred. "He's in my bowling league."



When they are seated, a waitress asks Fred if he'd like his usual and

Brings over a Budweiser.



His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,

"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"



"I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club. I always have

A Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey."



A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Fred,

Starts t o rub herself all over him and says, "Hi Freddie.

Want your usual table dance, big boy?"



Fred's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Fred follows and spots her getting into a taxi.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.



Fred tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken

Him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.



She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every four

letter word in the book.



The cabby turns around and says, "Geez Fred, you picked up a real bitch

This time."



Fred's funeral will be on Saturday.