Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

MEDICAL UPDATE
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need a blood transfusion! It is good to know.

Australian Medical Association researchers have found that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[paul needham]

*SIZE* does Matter ! !




Sometimes it IS better to

have a SMALL ONE!

[paul needham]

> Confucius Say: It's OK to let a fool kiss you;
> but don't let a kiss fool you.
>
> Confucius Say: A kiss is just shopping upstairs
> for downstairs merchandise.
>
> Confucius Say: It is better to lose a lover
> than love a loser.
>
> Confucius Say: A drunken man's words
> are a sober man's thoughts.
>
> Confucius Say: Marriage is like a bank account.
> You put it in, you take it out and you lose interest.
>
> Confucius Say: Viagra is like Disneyland ...
> A one-hour wait for a 2-minute ride.
>
> Confucius Say: It is much better to want the mate you do not have than
> to have the mate you do not want.
>
> Confucius Say: A joke is like sex.
> Neither is any good if you don't get it.

[paul needham]

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways.
She decided she would take her lunch; sit with the workers;
She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.
Sporting a big smile, she walked up to the group and asked: "And do you men know Jesus Christ?"
They shook their heads and looked at each other, very confused.
One of the workers looked up into the steelworks and yelled out, "Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?"
One of the steelworkers yelled down , "Why?"
The worker yelled back, " Cause his mom's here with his lunch."

[paul needham]

Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK :

1.BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.

WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Did I read that sign right?
In an office:
TOILET OUT OF ORDER....... PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW

In a Laundromat:
AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES: PLEASE REMOVE ALL YOUR CLOTHES WHEN THE LIGHT GOES OUT

In a London department store:
BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS

In an office:
WOULD THE PERSON WHO TOOK THE STEP LADDER YESTERDAY PLEASE BRING IT BACK OR FURTHER STEPS WILL BE TAKEN

In an office:
AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD

Outside a second-hand shop:
WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Notice in health food shop window:
CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS

Spotted in a safari park:
ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR

Seen during a conference:
FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE 1ST FLOOR

Notice in a farmer's field:
THE FARMER ALLOWS WALKERS TO CROSS THE FIELD FOR FREE, BUT THE BULL CHARGES.

On a repair shop door:
WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK).

[paul needham]

Two Irish nuns were sitting at traffic light in their car when a bunch of rowdy drunks pulls up alongside of them. "Hey, show us your tits, ye bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
The Mother Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are - show them your cross."So Sister Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Screw off ye little fookin wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Immaculata looks back at the Mother Superior and asks, "Was that cross enough?"

[paul needham]

The local radio station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just married
for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying
again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.

He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years.

After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining
that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus
ringmaster when in her 40's, then a preacher in her 60's - and now, in her 80's,
the funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married
four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and patiently explained... "I married one for the money, two for the show,
three to get ready, and four to go."

[paul needham]

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car."
The boy thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and they agreed on it.
After about six weeks his father said, "Son, you've brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut."
The boy said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair, and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had long hair."
(You're going to love the Dad's reply)
"Did you also notice that they all walked everywhere they went?"

[paul needham]

"NORTHERNERS

>Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six
days.
>Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day,
resting.
>
>He enquired of God,
>
>'Where have you been?'
>
>God
pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled
and said,
>
>'What is it?'
>
>'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I've
put LIFE on it.
>
>I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a
great place of balance.'
>
>'Balance?' inquired Michael, still
confused.
>
>God explained, pointing down to different parts of the
Earth.
>
>'For example, North America will be a place of great
opportunity and wealth, while South
>America is going to be poor; the
Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold
spot.
>
>Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over
there is a continent of black people.'
>
>God continued, pointing to
the different countries.
>
>This one will be extremely hot and arid
while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'
>
>The Archangel
, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and
asked,
>
>'What's that?'
>
>'Ah,' said God. That's the North of England
, the most glorious place on earth.
>
>
>There are beautiful people,
seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many
impressive cities;
>
>it is the home of the world's finest artists,
musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.
>
>The people
from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and
humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world. They'll be
extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be
known throughout
>the world as speakers of truth.'
>
>Michael gasped in
wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
>
>'What about balance God,
you said there will be BALANCE!'
>
>God replied very wisely,
>
>
>

>'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to
Govern the country !'

[paul needham]

don’t you just hate it?? ...get all dressed up ...hot to trot!!!...then you catch yourself in a mirror and REALISE...forgot the lipstick...the whole look gone to custard right there!!!!.

[paul needham]

5 Masculine Moments


THESE ARE CLEAN & HILLARIOUS....ENJOY


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JvlQYi5LoYM

[paul needham]

New exam for the
elderly !!!
>>
>>
>>
>> This test will keep that dreaded disease that
effects your memory at bay!
>>
>>New Senior's Exam, you only need 4
correct out of 10 questions to pass.
>>
>>1) How longdid the Hundred Years' War last?
>>
>>2) Which country makes Panama hats?
>>
>>3) From which animal do we getcat gut?
>>
>>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the OctoberRevolution?
>>
>>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of?
>>
>>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
>>
>>7) What was King George VI's first name?
>>
>>8) What colour is a purple finch?
>>
>>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from?
>>
>>10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane?
>>
>>
>>
>>Remember, you need only 4 correct answers to pass.
>>
>>Check your answers below ….

>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>

>>ANSWERS TO THE QUIZ
>>
>>1) How long did the Hundred Years War last? 116 years
>>
>>2) Which country makes Panama hats? Ecuador
>>
>>3) From which animal do we get cat gut? Sheep and Horses
>>
>>4) In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution? November
>>
>>5) What is a camel's hair brush made of? Squirrel fur
>>
>>6) The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal? Dogs
>>
>>7) What was King George VI's first name? Albert
>>
>>8 ) What colour is a purple finch? Crimson
>>
>>9) Where are Chinese gooseberries from? New Zealand
>>
>>10) What is the colour of the black box in a commercial airplane? Orange (of course)
>>
>>What do you mean, you failed?
>>
>>
>>Me, too!
>>
>>(And if you try to tell me you passed, you LIED!)

[paul needham]

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1960, and James had a date with Annabella.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell.


'Oh, come on in!' Annabella's mother said as she welcomed James.

'Have a seat in the sitting room.
Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Tea?'

'Tea, please,' James said. Mum brought the tea.
'So, what are you and Annabella planning to do tonight?' she asked interestedly.

'Oh, probably go to the flicks and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the coffee bar, perhaps have a walk on the beach afterwards.'

'Annabella likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' James gasped, surprised to say the least. 'Oh yes,' mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do!'

'Is that so?' asked James, incredulously.
' Oh yes,' she said.

'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Phew! Well, thanks for the tip!' James said as he began thinking about alternative plans for the evening.

A moment later, Annabella came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hoop skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted James.

'Have fun, kids!' mother said as they left.

Half an hour later, a completely dishevelled Annabella burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

'The Twist, Mum!' she yelled angrily to her mother in the kitchen.

'The bloody dance is called the ......Twist!

[paul needham]

my old mate (sproutmaster) from t'uver side of the sprout field just sent this to me....
http://www.youtube.com/embed/61cY1ILv60 ... autoplay=1
now being a young sproutlet thats led a sheltered life I didnt know where to look, but after a couple more views I soon got the idear, watch it right through as the first minute is just singing but then it warms up a bit, also this was filmed in 1944.

[paul needham]

The FBI had an opening for an assassin....
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman.
For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
'We must know that you will follow your Instructions no matter what the circumstances.

Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair .... Kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could Never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man For this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried, But I can't kill my wife.' The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls.. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to kill him with the chair!'

[paul needham]

Redneck Pregnancy

A hunky redneck went to the hospital, as his wife was going to give birth.

He waited.
Later, the nurse said to him, “Congratulations, your wife has had quintuplets, five big baby boys."
The redneck said, "I'm not surprised. I have a penis the size of a chimney."
The nurse replied, "You might want to consider getting it cleaned. They’re all black."

[paul needham]

A couple were out doing some Christmas shopping together.

The shopping centre was packed, and as the wife emerged from a shoe and handbag shop, she was surprised to find that her husband was nowhere to be seen.

Irritated because they had a lot to do, she called his mobile to ask him where he was.

In a subdued voice he replied,


‘Do you remember that jeweller we went into a couple
of years ago, where you fell in love with that beautiful
diamond necklace that we couldn't afford, and I
promised that I would buy it for you one day?’



Barely able to contain her emotions and with tears already forming in her eyes, she said,



"Yes, of course I remember that shop."


"Well, I'm in the pub next door."

[paul needham]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the
Pearly Gates.

'In honour of this Holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each
possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into Heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter.
He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said..

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys.
He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Welshman started searching desperately through his pockets and
finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And
just what do those symbolise?'
He replied, 'These are Carol's.'

And So The Christmas Season
Begins......

[paul needham]

An English ventriloquist visiting Wales walks into a small village and
sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the taff

'Gooday, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid English ****.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Taff: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Taff: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Taff: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Taff: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and
keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Taff: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Taff: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a F****ng liar !!!

[paul needham]

Little Johnny is taken to visit his Grandad in the nursing home & all he keeps saying is
"Make a noise like a frog Grandpa!! Go on, make a noise like a frog"
After a while the old man gets sick of it & says to Johnny,
"Be quiet, I'm trying to talk to your parents. I can't make a noise like a frog, & why on earth do you want me to anyway??"
Little Johnny replied
"Cos Dad says when you croak, we're all going to Disney Land"..........