Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 29th, 2013, 7:43 pm

> > Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat,
> >
> > Watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
> >
> > The local Methodist pastor appears, and quickly goes inside.
> >
> > "Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman.
> >
> > "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
> > No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the
> > door,
> >
> > Knocks, and goes inside.
> >
> > "Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching and stupid
> > hats!"
> >
> > They continue drinking their beer roundly condemning the vicar and the
> > rabbi
> >
> > When they see their own Catholic priest knock on the door.
> >
> > "Ah, now dat's sad." says the third Irishman.
> >
> > "One of the girls must have died.”

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 29th, 2013, 7:47 pm

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"


The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that he has ever heard. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you because you're not a monk."




The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.






The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..




That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years earlier.







The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."




The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"




The monks reply, "You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."






The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.







The monks reply, "Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."







The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.







The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He asks, "May I have the key?"





The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.





Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone.... The man requests the key to the stone door.







The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of emerald,...








...silver, topaz, and amethyst.








Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."












The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound. It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ....

















... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Keith Mitchell » November 29th, 2013, 8:30 pm

Looking forward to my Advent Calendar........
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 1st, 2013, 9:06 pm

A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.

The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.


"Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.


"Yes," the Labrador replies.


After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, the man asks, "So, tell me your story."


The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I was sold to the SAS. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years".


"But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow Airport to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals".


"Then I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just retired."

The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how much he wants for the dog.

"Ten quid," the owner says.

"£10! But your dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?"

"Because he's a lying ****, he's never been out of the garden."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 1st, 2013, 9:10 pm

A farmer goes out to his field one morning only to find all of his cows frozen solid. As far as the eye can see are cows, motionless like statues.

It had been a bitterly cold night, but he'd never thought anything like this would happen.

The realisation of the situation then dawned on him. With his entire livestock gone, how would he make ends meet?

How would he feed his wife and kids?

How would he pay the mortgage?

He sat with his head in his hands, trying to come to terms with his impending poverty.

Just then, an elderly woman walked by, "What's the matter?" asked the old lady.
The farmer gestured toward the frozen cows and explained his predicament to the woman.
Without hesitation the old woman smiled and began to rub one of the cows noses. After a
few seconds the cow began to twitch and was soon back to normal and chewing the cud.
One by one, the old woman defrosted the cows until the whole field was full of healthy animals.

The farmer was delighted and asked the woman what she wanted as a repayment for her deed.
She declined his offer and walked off across the field.
A passer-by who had witnessed the whole thing approached the farmer.
"You know who that was don't you?" asked the passer-by.
"No" said the farmer "who?"

> Scroll down
>
> Wait for it
>
> It's worth
> it....trust me

It is really worth the wait.....
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> "That was Thora Hird."

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 1st, 2013, 9:12 pm

A testimony to true mateship is...

A man brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 after work.

His wife begins screaming at him and his friend just sits and listens in.

"My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are not done, I'm still in my pyjamas, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! What the hell did you bring him home for?"

"Because he's thinking of getting married."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 1st, 2013, 9:14 pm

A woman from New York was
driving through a remote part of Arizona when her car broke down.
An American Indian on horseback came along and offered her a ride to a nearby town.

She climbed up behind him on the horse and they rode off. The ride was uneventful, except that every few minutes the Indian would let out a Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a' so loud that it echoed from the surrounding hills and canyon walls.

When they arrived in town, he let her off at the local service station, yelled one final 'Ye-e-e-e-h-a-a-a-a!' and rode off.

"What did you do to get that Indian so excited?" asked the service-station attendant.

"Nothing," the woman answered "I merely sat behind him on the horse, put my arms round his waist, and held onto the saddle horn so I wouldn't fall off."

"Lady," the attendant said, "Indians don't use saddles."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby RichardVaughanDavies » December 1st, 2013, 10:24 pm

One day in ancient Rome,at the stroke of mid-day, Julius Romanos Badenos Powellini was being dragged into the centre of the Colesseum as a criminal.

Being informed of his crime of dis-obeying his Master and dis-respecting his Mistress, Caesar pronounced that for such an heinous crime, only THE PUNISHMENT would suffice. The crowd gasped in shock and horror.

“No, no, not THE PUNISHMENT” they cried.

“Yes, THE PUNISHMENT”, said Caesar.

“No, no, not THE PUNISHMENT” they cried again.

“Yes, it must be THE PUNISHMENT”, said Caesar. And so it began.

First he was lashed to an alter in the middle of the arena, then vast amounts of rancid goose fat was smeared all over the poor wretch.

The crowd were still wailing and gnashing their teeth.
"No, No not THE PUNISHMENT”, they cried aloud, but to no avail, Caesar was adamant,

“Let it continue”, he roared.

And so it did. A vast metal disc was brought forth by 2 Nubian slaves and held over the hapless individual.

“Make it stop. For pities sake, forgive him”. beseeched the crowd. But to no avail, Caesar would not change his mind.

"Start!” he bellowed.

“OK then”, said the crowd and after a count of 1…. 2….. 3….. it began

The massed crowd went ...














“Oh we’re sliding a gong on the chest of a slave and the sun is in the sky ……”

etc.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 2nd, 2013, 2:29 pm

Mick & Paddy

Stew died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly.

The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Mick and Paddy.

The three men had always done everything together.

Mick arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Mick said, 'Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Mick said, 'Nope, ain't Stew.'

The mortician thought this was rather strange.

So he brought Paddy in to confirm the identity of the body.

Paddy looked at the body and said, 'Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over.'

The mortician rolled him over and Paddy said, 'No, it ain't Stew.'

The mortician asked, 'How can you tell?'

Paddy said, 'Well, Stew had two arseholes.'

'What? He had two arseholes?' asked the mortician.

'Yup, we never seen 'em, but everybody used to say:

There's Stew with them two arseholes

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 2nd, 2013, 2:35 pm

Two lawyers had been marooned on a deserted island for several months.
The only thing of value to them on the island was some tall coconut trees that provided them some sustenance.
Each day one of the lawyers would climb to the top to see if he could spot a rescue boat coming...

One day, the lawyer yelled down from the tree, "Wow, I just can't believe my eyes! There is a woman out there floating in our direction!"
The lawyer on the ground was most skeptical. "You're hallucinating, you've finally lost your mind!"
But within a few minutes, a stunningly beautiful woman washed up on the beach, face up, unconscious, buck naked, not wearing even a ring or earrings.

The two lawyers went down to the water, dragged her up on the beach and discovered, yes, she was alive, warm and breathing.
One said to the other, "You know, we've been on this God forsaken island for months now. It's been such a long, long time... Do you think we should... well... you know... screw her?"
"Out of what?" asked the other lawyer.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 4th, 2013, 7:56 am

An elderly lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship
holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said,
"Pardon me, madam..

I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress
is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady.

"I need both my hands
to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties
and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man
and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 75 years old.

I just bought this hat yesterday!

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 4th, 2013, 7:56 am

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.

"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow ploughs can get through.

"The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
Says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...."
Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset, and with a
Worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"


Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,



"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 4th, 2013, 7:58 am


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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 4th, 2013, 8:16 am

here's one to get you thinking...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=98BIu9dpwHU

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 4th, 2013, 1:15 pm

A recent article in the Kentucky Post reported that a woman, one Anne Maynard, has sued St Luke's hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex.

A hospital spokesman replied... "Mr. Maynard was admitted in Ophthalmology, all we did was correct his eyesight."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 4th, 2013, 1:17 pm

Letter from an Irish mother






Dear Son,



Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.



We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 25 miles to Wexford. I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in and pulled the chain and haven't seen them since.



Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him. He's cutting the grass at the cemetery.



Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.



Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!



Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Distillery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.



I'm sorry to say that your idiot cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.



I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.



The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.



We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.



About that coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.



John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.



Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He wound down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the flatbed at the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.



There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.



Your loving Mum.



P.S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 5th, 2013, 8:35 am

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says:-
"Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine.
Now let me see the bit that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor.
"No! No! Leave your knickers on ... Just stick out your tongue!"

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 5th, 2013, 8:39 am

SECONDS BEFORE DEATH" (CHILLING)



WARNING! GRAPHIC BOATING INCIDENT.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF A MAN WITH JUST SECONDS
LEFT TO LIVE

(FRIGHTENING!)
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 5th, 2013, 8:41 am

A beautiful woman went to the gynecologist.... The doctor took one look at the woman and all his professionalism flew out the window. He immediately told her to get undressed.

After she dis-robe d the doctor began to stroke her thigh. While doing so he asked her, "Do you know what I am doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you are checking for abrasions or dermatological abnormalities."

"That's right," said the doctor.

He then began to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I am doing now?" he asked.

"Yes," she said, "you are checking for lumps which might indicate breast cancer."

"Correct," replied the shady doctor.

Finally, he mounted his patient and started having sexual intercourse with her. He asked, "Do you know what I am doing now?"

"Yes," she said, "you're getting syphilis; which is why I came here in the first place."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » December 5th, 2013, 8:42 am

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.





Example, the trade name is Tylenol and it's generic name is Acetaminophen.. Aleve is also called Naproxen.


NICE has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.





After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.


Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.





Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..


It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.





Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails', 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.





Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.





Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.





This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.


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