Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

THE WIFE



A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, "I clocked you at 80 miles per hour , sir ."



The driver says, "Gee, officer, I had it on cruise control at 60; perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."



Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: 'Now don't be silly, dear -- you know that this car doesn't have cruise control"



As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls,

"Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once !! ?"



The wife smiles demurely and says, "Well dear you should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did or your speed would have been higher."



As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit , the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth,

"Woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"



The officer frowns and says, 'And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine. '



The driver says, 'Yeah, well, you see, officer, I had it on, but I took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket. '



The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."



And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket, the driver turns to his wife and barks, ‘WILL YOU PLEASE SHUT UP?? '



The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am? "



(I love this part)



"Only when he's been drinking."

[paul needham]

FIRST INDIAN ASTRONAUT RETURNS TO EARTH



You may have heard the news

that India has entered into

the ‘Space Race’.


> This is the picture of their first astronaut

on his return to earth.

[paul needham]

On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended, I stopped to visit my aging and hard of hearing friend.
He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish.
I said to him, "You dumb ****! You're supposed to turn your clock back".

[paul needham]

THINGS YOU CAN ONLY SAY AT CHRISTMAS


1: I prefer breasts to legs.
2: Tying the legs together keeps the inside moist.
3: Smother the butter all over the breasts.
4: If I don't undo my trousers, I'll burst!
5: I've never seen a better spread!
6: I fancy a little dark meat for a change.
7: Are you ready for seconds yet?
8: It's a little dry, do you still want to eat it?
9: Just wait your turn, you'll get some!
10: Don't play with your meat!
11: Stuff it up between the legs as far as it will go.
12: Do you think you'll be able to handle all these people at once?
13: I didn't expect everyone to come at the same time!
14: You still have a little bit on your chin.
15: How long will it take after you put it in?
16: You'll know it's ready when it pops up.
17: Just pull the end and wait for the bang.
18: That's the biggest bird I've ever had!
19: I'm so full, I've been gobbling nuts all morning.
20: Wow, I didn't think I could handle all that and still want more

[paul needham]

When I Am Gone

FLAWLESSLY LOGICAL.

The older you are and the longer you have been married (or not), the funnier this is...

The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, "If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff."

"Now why would you want me to do something like that?" she asked.

"I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don't want some other wanker using my stuff."

She looked at me and said: "What makes you think I'd marry another wanker?"

[paul needham]

PERVERT CALLING
>
>
> One for the ladies
>
>
> The telephone rings, and the wife answers.
>
> A pervert with heavy breathing, says,
>
> "I bet you have a tight ****, with no hair."
>
> Woman replies,
>
> "Yes, he's watching TV - whom shall I say is calling?”

[paul needham]

Think I might try this one at East Kirkby sunday flyin next year......

> Easy Chicken Recipe
>
> Here is a chicken recipe that also includes the use of popcorn
> as a stuffing -- imagine that. When I found this recipe, I though it
> was perfect for people like me, who are not sure how to tell when
> poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not dried out. Give this a try.
>
> 1 chicken
> 1 cup melted butter
> 1 cup stuffing
> 1 cup uncooked popcorn
> Salt/pepper to taste
>
> Preheat oven to 200 degrees.
> Brush chicken well with melted butter salt and pepper.
> Fill cavity with stuffing mixed with popcorn.
> Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the oven.
> Listen for the popping sounds. When the chicken's **** blows the
> oven door open and the chicken flies across the room and lands on the
> table, it's done and ready to eat..
>
> And you thought I couldn't cook!!!

[paul needham]

Best coin ever spent

This is good


Check this out:
http://www.edisproduction.de/2013/10/14 ... ver-spent/

[paul needham]

Nurses aren't supposed to laugh...!

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse. "I'm a professional.
In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," said Bill, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest
male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width was almost identical to a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle,
but it just came out. And then she started laughing at the fact that she was laughing.
Feeling very badly that she had laughed at the man's part, she composed herself as well as she could.
"I am so sorry," she said.. "I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady,
I promise That won't happen again." Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," Bill replied.

[paul needham]

So,,, you're having a bad day...

then you step outside of your house...

and look up into the beautiful blue sky


…and see this!!!!!

[paul needham]

Aeronautical Quiz.... Test your knowledge...

They say it is common sense but here is a Clue: Just remember that a helicopter's blade (in cross-section) is shaped like an airplane’s wing, and both catch air giving lift..now answer the question....

This should be an easy quiz for those who have even a modicum of knowledge about aircraft. However, the answer may surprise you.


The Question:



"What is the primary advantage of rotary winged aircraftover fixed-winged aircraft?"



answer below

[paul needham]

Happy Christmas

[paul needham]

Finally, a blonde joke with some Canadian content....



As a Vancouver trucker stops for a red light on Cambie St , a
blonde catches up.. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his
truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the
window, and she says, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you
are losing some of your load!"

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
when the truck stops for another red light, the girl
catches up again. She jumps out of her car runs up and
knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.

As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and
continues down the street. At the third red light, the same
thing happens again.

All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up,
knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.. Again she says,
"Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to
the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets
out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on
her window, and as she lowers it, he says,..............

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in B C , and I'm driving the SALT
TRUCK.......

[paul needham]

An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent's Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,
the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood,
it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.

Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW,
diamonds & US dollars.

A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.

After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies".

To this the Arab replied: "Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in my veins".

[paul needham]

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics." The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ".

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.

[paul needham]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
"Why so cheap?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live
in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."


The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.


The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, New madam."

The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."


When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls."


The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised.


Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,


"Hi Keith..."

[paul needham]

How is Your Day Going?
Life isn't about how to survive the storm,
but how to dance in the rain.
If you are having a bad day, remember it could be worse.....

[paul needham]

A Pole, a Black, a Muslim and a Brit were walking together on a beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand.

He picked up the bottle, rubbed the sand off it, and a Genie appeared.


"I can only grant four wishes." the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have a wish apiece."

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish."

The Black studied for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland, Africa."

Poof! It was done! Hundreds of ships appeared on the skyline .
The Pole said, "I wish for enough Range Rovers to take all my people back to our homeland, Poland!"
Poof! It was done! Row after row of Range Rovers appeared on the beach.
The Muslim said, "I wish for ten thousand camels to take all of my people away from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim
countries”
Poof! It was done! Ten thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.
Turning to the Brit , the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?

The Brit watched as the loaded Range Rovers began moving toward the
Channel, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.
The Brit said , "Just give me a Pint. It doesn't get any better than this!"

[paul needham]

There were three girls who were getting married and they all met at the marriage counsellor’s office to discuss the options of having or not having a baby right away. There were two city girls and one farm girl (from sproutland). The counsellor asked them if they planned on having a baby right away or were going to wait awhile.



They all said that they had discussed this with their potential husbands and had all agreed to wait awhile. The counsellor asked the first girl what type of birth control she planned to use. Her answer was, “The rhythm method”. “That will work,” said the counsellor, “but only if you keep a good record.”



He asked the second girl what system she planned on using. “I plan on using birth control pills” she said. Again he said, “Yes that will work as long as you don't forget to take them”.



He then asked the farm girl what system she was planning on using. Her answer was, “The bucket and saucer method.” After a short delay, he told her he thought that was probably a good method also. He asked them all to come back in one year on a specific date for a follow up on how things were going.



They returned one year later and the two city girls were pregnant - only the farm girl was still slim and trim. The counsellor asked the first girl what method she used and what went wrong. She replied, “I used the rhythm method but somehow got my notes mixed up and, well here I am, going to have a baby.”



He asked the second city girl what method she used and she replied, “The birth control pill . But we were camping one weekend and I didn't have my pills with me and as you can see, I too am going to have a baby.”



He turns to the farm girl. “I vaguely remember you were going to use the bucket and saucer method. Now I must admit that I don 't have a clue what the bucket and saucer method is. Will you explain it to me as I see it has worked well for you.”



She replied, “Well, we always make love standing up, and since I’m quite a bit taller than my husband, he stands on a bucket turned upside down. Then, as we make love, I watch his eyes, and when his eyes get as big as saucers ......

I kick the bucket out from under him”.

[paul needham]

An Australian, an Irishman and a Scouser are in a bar.
They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.
They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'
Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.
Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.
Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.
After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.
He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.
When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'
Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.
As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.
Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the Scouser who says,
'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefits.