Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

WISDOM FROM TRAINING MANUALS

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.'
-Infantry Journal-

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.'
- US.Air Force Manual -

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons.'
- General Douglas MacArthur -

'Tracers work both ways.'
- Army Ordnance Manual-

'Five second fuses last about three seconds.'
- Infantry Journal -

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'
- Naval Ops Manual -

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.'
- Unknown Infantry Recruit-

'If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him.'
- Infantry Journal-

'Yea, Though I Fly Through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil.
For I am at 50,000 Feet and Climbing.'
- Sign over SR71 Wing Ops-

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.'
- Paul F. Crickmore (SR71 test pilot)-

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'
-Unknown Author-

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage
it has to be a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'
- Fixed Wing Pilot-

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane, you always
have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'
-Multi-Engine Training Manual-

'Without ammunition, the Air Force is just an expensive flying club.'
-Unknown Author-

'If you hear me yell; "Eject, Eject, Eject!” the last two will be echoes.'
If you stop to ask "Why?", you'll be talking to yourself, because by then you'll be the pilot.'
-Pre-flight Briefing from a Canadian F104 Pilot-

'What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots?
If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; but If ATC screws up... the pilot dies.
-Sign over Control Tower Door-

'Never trade luck for skill.'
-Author Unknown-

The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in military aviation are:
'Did you feel that? What's that noise? and 'Oh S...!'
-Authors Unknown-

'Airspeed, Altitude and Brains.
Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight.'
-Basic Flight Training Manual-

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person
on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'
- Emergency Checklist-

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you.'
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'
-Sign over Squadron Ops Desk at Davis-Montham AFB, AZ-

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal.'
- Lead-in Fighter Training Manual -

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft,
having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives.
The rescuer sees the bloodied pilot and asks, 'What happened?'
The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

[paul needham]

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."


Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.


Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"

The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.


Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"

The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"

The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"

The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"


Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"


Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.


Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.

The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."

Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."


And Finally

Two engineers???

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

[paul needham]

BOB & THE BLONDE:

Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
And stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story
Of a man on the ledge of a large building
Preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Bob and said,
"Do you think he'll jump?"

Bob said,
"You know, I bet he'll jump."

The blonde replied,
"Well, I bet he won't."

Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said,
"You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,
The guy on the ledge
Did a swan dive off the building,
Falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset,
But willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied,
"I can't take your money.
I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news,
So I knew he would jump."

The blonde replied,
"I did, too,
But I didn't think he'd do it again."

Bob took the money.

[paul needham]

SALARY RAISE
Employee:
Excuse me sir, may I talk to you?

Boss:
Sure, come on in… What can I do for you?

Employee:
Well sir, as you know, I have been an employee of this prestigious firm for over ten years.

Boss:
Yes.

Employee:
I won't beat around the bush. Sir, I would like a raise.
I currently have four companies after me and so I decided to talk to you first.

Boss:
A raise? I would love to give you a raise, but this is just not the right time.

Employee:
I understand your position, and I know that the current economic down turn has had a negative impact on sales,
But you must also take into consideration my hard work, pro-activeness and loyalty to this company for over a decade..

Boss:
Taking into account these factors, and considering I don't want to start a brain drain,
I'm willing to offer you a ten percent raise and an extra five days of vacation time.
How does that sound?

Employee:
Great! It's a deal Thank you, sir!

Boss:
Before you go, just out of curiosity, what companies are after you?

Employee:
Oh, the Electric Company, Gas Company, Water Company and the Mortgage Company!

[paul needham]

VOTED BEST JOKE IN IRELAND

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me Life, between the legs of me wife !"

That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night !

He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of The night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?"

John said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."

"Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street Corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at The pub with a toast about you, Mary."

She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only been in there twice in the last four years.
"Once I had to pull him by the ears to make him come, and the other time he fell asleep".

[paul needham]

Merry Christmas, remember to go easy on the sprouts......
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeEeAVdhtSw

[paul needham]

A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead.

The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."

The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."

[paul needham]

Retired man's job

Someone asked me, "and now that you are retired, do you still have a job?"

I replied, "Yes I am my wife's sexual adviser."

"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"

"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my f**king advice, she'll ask me for it."

[paul needham]

Blonde Job Applicants in Cops
>
> Three blondes were all applying for the last available position to enter the Police Acadamy.
>
> The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said,
>
> "So y'all want to be cops, huh ?"
>
> The blondes all nodded.
>
> The detective got up, opened a file drawer, and pulled out a folder.
>
> Sitting back down, he opened it, pulled out a picture,and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect.
> You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities like scars and so forth."
>
> So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.
> "Now", He said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man?"
>
> The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye !"
>
> The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed !"
>
> The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.
>
> The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back, and said, "What about you?
> Notice anything unusual or Outstanding about this man ?"
>
> "Yes! He only has one ear !"
>
> The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear! You're excused too !"
>
> The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.
>
> The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but...." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or Unusual about this man ?"
>
> The blonde said,
> "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses." The detective frowned, took another look at the picture, and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.
> He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled expression and said, "You're absolutely right ! His bio says he wears contacts ! How in the world could you tell that by looking at his picture ?"
>
> The blonde rolled her eyes and said,
> "Well, Hellooooooooooooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

[paul needham]

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.


The first surgeon, from London , says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'


The second, from Birmingham, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'


The third surgeon, from Manchester, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'


The fourth surgeon, from Scotland chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers...Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'


But the fifth surgeon, from Ireland shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. politicians are the easiest to operate on.


There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine.



Plus, the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

[paul needham]

Irish funeral

Paddy died. His will provided 40,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last guests departed the affair, his wife Colleen turned to her oldest and dearest friend."Ah well, Paddy would be pleased," she said.
"You're right," replied Mary, who lowered her voice and leaned in close.
"So go on, how much did this really cost?'"
"All of it," said Colleen. "Forty thousand."
"Aw No!" Mary exclaimed, "I mean, it was very grand, but 40,000?!!!"
Colleen answered, "The funeral was 6,500. I donated 500 to church. The whisky, wine and snacks were another 500.
The rest went for the Memorial Stone."
Mary computed quickly.
"For the love of God Colleen, 32,500 for a Memorial Stone? How big is it?"
>
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[paul needham]

More sprouts anyone ?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9xATJGoL-nI

[paul needham]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north.

After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and
asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,'
she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at
first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.


Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.
They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to
figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on
the ski weekend

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm
we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' Said Bob.

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said,
'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did.' 'Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'


(And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
you know you smiled...now keep that smile for the rest of the day!

[paul needham]

WHAT A BAD DAY CAN LOOK LIKE -.!



http://www.youtube.com/embed/lncwRnV4Gsg?rel=0

[paul needham]

Guys don't give up yet. Have you tried this method?

[paul needham]

A guy goes to the Post Office to apply for a job. The interviewer asks him, "Are you allergic to anything?"

He replies, "Yes, caffeine. I can't drink coffee".

"Ok, have you ever been in the military service?"

"Yes", he says, "I was in Iraq for one tour".

The interviewer says, "That will give you 5 extra points toward employment". Then he asks, "Are you disabled in any way?"

The guy says, "Yes. A bomb exploded near me and I lost both my testicles".

The interviewer grimaces and then says, "Okay. You've got enough points for me to hire you right now. Our normal hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m. You can start tomorrow at 10 a.m. and plan on starting at 10:00 a.m. every day".

The guy is puzzled and asks, "If the work hours are from 8:00 a.m. to 4:00 p.m., why don't you want me here until 10:00 a.m.?"

"This is a Government job", the interviewer says, "For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls. No point in you coming in for that".

[paul needham]

All the chapel bells are ringing...


http://youtu.be/5748lK9HpOg

[David Whiteley]

All the chapel bells are ringing...
http://youtu.be/5748lK9HpOg

Well done Paul.

You have found the party piece to open the next AGM. Oh to be in the Committee meetings over the next year when they rehearse it.

How's your singing voice Liz?

Dave (soon to be ex-member of the LMA)

[paul needham]

All the chapel bells are ringing...
http://youtu.be/5748lK9HpOg

Well done Paul.

You have found the party piece to open the next AGM. Oh to be in the Committee meetings over the next year when they rehearse it.

How's your singing voice Liz?

Dave (soon to be ex-member of the LMA)

hear hear Dave.

[paul needham]

Look at this carefully...it is a brilliant example of British humour!
The British government has scrapped the Harrier fleet and on their farewell
formation fly past over the Houses of Parliament they gave the government a
message. Lean back a bit from your computer monitor and squint.
Seriously...push your chair back a couple of feet.. My hat is off to the man
that was leading this squadron