Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

Hell to be old!!!


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!


An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a Sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this Jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the man reappeared at the Doctor's' office and gave him the jar, which was as Clean and empty as on the previous day.


The doctor asked what happened and the man Explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried With my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with My left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her Right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She Tried with her mouth, first with her teeth in, then With her teeth out, still nothing.


'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and She tried too, first with both hands, then an Armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her Knees, but still nothing.'


The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbour?'



The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the Jar open.'

[paul needham]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.
Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.
At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold.'
'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'
'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.
'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own f-----' blanket.'
After a moment of silence, .......................he farted.
The End

[paul needham]

Irish Vasectomy

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ...

The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand South Australia and Tasmania.

[paul needham]

HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
>
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 1
>
>
> All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits,
> short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The
> Late Bloomers decided on this "all-girls" trip. It will be my first
> one - and I can't wait!
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 2
>
>
> Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain
> today -- seems like a very nice man.
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 3
>
>
> At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck.
> Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honored
> and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
>
>
> ---------------------------------------------------
>
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 4
>
>
> Won €800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with
> him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and
> champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I
> could not be unfaithful to my husband.
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 5
>
>
> Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at
> piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me
> several large drinks.
> Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the
> night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way
> with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
>
>
> ----------------------------------------------------
>
>
> DEAR DIARY - DAY 6
>
>
> Today I saved 2600 lives.
>
>
> Twice

[paul needham]

MEDICAL UPDATE
Remember this the next time you have major surgery and need
a blood transfusion. This is good to know.

MEDICAL ALERT

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit from receiving
chicken blood rather than human blood.

It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Just thought you'd like to know.

[paul needham]

The hardest part of being a guide dog!

[paul needham]

Einstein was born March 14, 1879.
He would be nearly 135 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that he married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage failed in 1919.
At the time he stated that he was attracted to Elsa "because she was so well endowed".
He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection.
This came to be known as...
Einstein's Theory of "Relative Titty."

[paul needham]

A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, "I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards."

The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, "This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?"

"No," the cook said. "Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon."

"Oh, OK!" said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.

The trucker asked, "What are the beans for, Blondie?"

I LOVE THIS ONE . . . .


She replied, "I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!"

[paul needham]

Strange laws

In Lebanon , men are legally allowed to have sex with animals, but the
animals must be female. Having sexual relations with a male animal is
punishable by death.

(Like THAT makes sense.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Bahrain, a male doctor may legally examine a woman's genitals, but
is prohibited from looking directly at them during the examination. He
may only see their reflection in a mirror.

(Do they look different reversed?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Muslims are banned from looking at the genitals of a corpse. This also
applies to undertakers. The sex organs of the deceased must be covered
with a brick or piece of wood at all times.

(A brick?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The penalty for masturbation in Indonesia is decapitation. (glad I
don't live in Indonesia)

(Much worse than 'going blind!')

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

There are men in Guam whose full-time job is to travel the countryside
and deflower young virgins, who pay them for the privilege of having
sex for the first time

Reason: under Guam law, it is expressly forbidden for virgins to marry.

(Let's just think for a minute; is there
Any job anywhere else in the world that even comes close to this?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Hong Kong , a betrayed wife is legally allowed to kill her
adulterous husband, but may only do so with her bare hands.

The husband's illicit lover, on the other hand, may be killed in any
manner desired.

(Ah! Justice!)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Cali , Colombia , a woman may only have sex with her husband, and
the first time this happens, her mother must be in the room to witness
the act.

(Makes one shudder at the thought.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~

In Santa Cruz , Bolivia , it is illegal for a man to have sex with a
woman and her daughter at the same time.

(I presume this was a big enough problem that they had to pass this
law?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

In Maryland, it is illegal to sell condoms from vending machines with
one exception: Condoms may be dispensed from a vending machine only in
places where alcoholic beverages are sold for consumption on the
premises.'

(Is this a great country or what?

Well,.... Not as great as Guam

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.

(Who volunteers for these tests?)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own
weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

(From drinking little bottles of ???)

(Did our government pay for this research??)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Butterflies taste with their feet..

(Ah, geez.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

Starfish don't have brains.

(I know some people like that, too.)

*~*~ *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

And, the best for last?

Turtles can breathe through their ****.

(And I thought I had bad breath in the morning!)

Thank you all for reading this.

If you need to reach me in the future, dial Guam 6401

[paul needham]

All he had to do was don a Winnie the Pooh costume and be friendly to kids.
How did he get fired first day on the job?
He put the pants on backwards!!!

[paul needham]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife your daughter, my wife, telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. My daughter would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy, I told you there must be a simple explanation…she never got your E-mail!"

[paul needham]

Bob was staring sadly into his beer and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Bob?” asked the bartender…
It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth.”“It’s my five year old son…” the man replied.“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school?
My lad’s just the same – forget about it;
it happens to boys that age,”
said the bartender, sympathetically.
“ I only wish it was that,” continued the customer,
“ but it’s far worse than that. The little devil has got our
gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”
“Get away, that’s impossible!”
gasped the bartender.
“It’s not,” said the man.
"The little **** stuck a pin in all my condoms.”

[paul needham]

Ah..! A new beginning for the government..

The minister of the interior signing in the New Italian Government…..If nothing else, Italy has STYLE

[paul needham]

An elderly man in the Atherton Tablelands in Queensland had owned a large farm for several years.

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, a barbecue and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over.

He grabbed a twenty litre bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee.

As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.

One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'

The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.'

Holding the bucket up he said,
'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'

Some old men can still think fast

ATT11.jpg (19.76 KiB) Viewed 9789 times

[Denis Brown]

Agreed

[paul needham]

Dead Penguins - I never knew this!


Did you ever wonder why there are no dead penguins on the ice in Antarctica ?
Where do they go?

Wonder no more ! ! !
It is a known fact that the penguin is a very ritualistic bird which lives an extremely ordered and complex life. The penguin is very committed to its family and will mate for life, as well as maintain a form of compassionate contact with its offspring throughout its life.


If a penguin is found dead on the ice surface, other members of the family and social circle have been known to dig holes in the ice, using their vestigial wings and beaks, until the hole is deep enough for the dead bird to be rolled into, and buried.

The male penguins then gather in a circle around the fresh grave and sing:

[paul needham]

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'

Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'

Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'

My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'

Si, Senor, that's the one.'

Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'

From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'

Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'

Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'

Dead horse? What dead horse?'

The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'

My prize thoroughbred is dead?'

Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'

Are you insane?? What water cart?'

The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'

Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'

The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'

What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle??

Yes, Senor Rod.'

But there's electricity at the house!! What was the candle for?'

For the funeral, Senor Rod.'

WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Taylor Made Super Quad 460 golf club.'

SILENCE . . . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . . . .. . . .

Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're in deep ****!!'

[paul needham]

A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies
To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

Three students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Hamad replied, "****, from way back there I thought you said Goats."

[paul needham]

What a great weekend!
A balding, white haired man from Sanctuary Cove in Queensland,
walked into a jewellery store on the Gold Coast with a beautiful,
much younger, woman at his side. He told the jeweller he was
looking for a really special ring for his new girlfriend.
The jeweller looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The man said, 'No, No, that’s a mere bauble… I'd like to see
something much more special.'

At that statement, the jeweller went to his special stock and brought
another ring over. 'Here's a stunning ring at only $140,000’ - the
jeweller said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body
trembled with excitement. The old man seeing this said,
'I think we'll take it.'
The jeweller asked how payment would be made and the man
stated, 'By cheque. But I know you’ll need to make sure my cheque
is good, so I'll write it now, you can call the bank on Monday to verify
the funds and we'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon.'
On Monday morning, the jeweller angrily phoned the old man and
said 'There's no money in that account.'
'I know’, said the old man wearily ‘but let me tell you all about my fantastic weekend!!'

[paul needham]

RECTUM STRETCHER.!


As she was 'flying' down the road, a woman passed over a bridge only to

find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in-wait.


The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic

patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'


I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.


The cop stammered, 'A what?

A rectum stretcher?


And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said,


'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then


three, then four, then with my whole hand in.


I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly


but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide.'


'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?', he asked.




'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..'