Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan

when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned

His father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale,

"Lets both swim under the same side of the ship

and blow out of our air holes at the same time

and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.

Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard

and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away

and said to the female,

"Lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, the male whale realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"What's the matter, Darling?"

"Look, Love," she said, "I went along with the blow job,

but I absolutely refuse to swallow seamen!

[paul needham]

IRISH JOB INTERVIEW

Mick had applied for a Fermentation Operator Post, at a famous Irish firm, based in Dublin .

A Pole applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test by the Manager.
When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20.

The Manager went to Mick and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we’ve decided to give the Polish man the job."

Mick said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct."

"This being Ireland and me being Irish, surely I should get the job."
The Manager said, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong."

Mick exclaimed, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another?"

Manager, "Simple. On question number 7 the Pole wrote down, 'I don't know.'

You put down,

“Neither do I.”

[paul needham]

Three little ducks go into a Bar.......

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh! That's nice,' said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked...

'Great.. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes.

'My name is Puddles..'

[paul needham]

Men are Deep Thinkers
thinker

What deep thinkers men are... I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.
The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking.
My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing and I said 'nothing'. The reason I said that instead of saying
'just thinking' is because she would have said 'about what'. At that point I would have to explain that men are
deep thinkers about various topics which would lead to other questions.
Finally I thought about an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts?
Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts.
Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.
Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion. A year
or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you
never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case.
Time for another beer.

[Lynne Roberts]

ADVICE FROM A RETIRED HUSBAND


It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Carole. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carole to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her. Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so eating out is not an option in the evening. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during her lunch hour. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two, or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if you know what I mean). I like to think tact is one of my strong points..

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the lawn.

I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man.. I tell her to fix herself a nice, big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while. And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me, too. .

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carole. I'm not saying that showing this much patience & consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.


EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on May 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing, and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carole was arrested and charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking, accidentally sat down on his golf club.

[paul needham]

Border Alert

The British Border Patrol is asking citizens
to keep on the lookout for a red 1951 Chevy that
they suspect is being used to smuggle illegal
immigrants from Calais to Dover, through the Channel Tunnel.

If you see the vehicle, pictured below and have reason to believe that it is the suspect vehicle, you are urged to contact your local police.

[paul needham]

Should I Really Join Facebook? (Priceless)

Read it all the way through! It's a good laugh! AND really quite true!!
A good laugh for people in the over 60 group !!!


When I bought my Blackberry, I thought about the 30-year business I ran with 1800 employees, all without a cell phone that plays music, takes videos, pictures and communicates with Facebook and Twitter. I signed up under duress for Twitter and Facebook, so my seven kids, their spouses, my 13 grand kids and 2 great grand kids could communicate with me in the modern way. I figured I could handle something as simple as Twitter with only 140 characters of space.

That was before one of my grandkids hooked me up for Tweeter, Tweetree, Twhirl, Twitterfon, Tweetie and Twitterific, Tweetdeck, Twitpix and something that sends every message to my cell phone and every other program within the texting World.

My phone was beeping every three minutes with the details of everything except the bowel movements of the entire next generation. I am not ready to live like this. I keep my cell phone in the garage in my golf bag.

The kids bought me a GPS for my last birthday because they say I get lost every now and then going over to the grocery store or library. I keep that in a box under my tool bench with the Blue tooth [it's red] phone I am supposed to use when I drive. I wore it once and was standing in line at Barnes and Noble talking to my wife and everyone within 50 yards was glaring at me. I had to take my hearing aid out to use it, and I got a little loud.

I mean the GPS looked pretty smart on my dash board, but the lady inside that gadget was the most annoying and rudest person I had run into in a long time. Every 10 minutes she would sarcastically say, "Re-calc-u-lating." You would think that she could be nicer. It was like she could barely tolerate me. She would let go with a deep sigh and then tell me to make a U-turn at the next light. Then if I made a right turn instead. Well, it was not a good relationship...
When I get really lost now, I call my wife and tell her the name of the cross streets and, while she is starting to develop the same tone as Gypsy, the GPS lady, at least she loves me.

To be perfectly frank, I am still trying to learn how to use the cordless phones in our house. We have had them for 4 years, but I still haven't figured out how I lose three phones all at once and have to run around digging under chair cushions, checking bathrooms, and the dirty laundry baskets when the phone rings.

The world is just getting too complex for me. They even mess me up every time I go to the grocery store. You would think they could settle on something themselves but this sudden "Paper or Plastic?" every time I check out just knocks me for a loop. I bought some of those cloth reusable bags to avoid looking confused, but I never remember to take them with me.

Now I toss it back to them. When they ask me, "Paper or plastic?" I just say, "It doesn't matter to me. I am bi-sacksual." Then it's their turn to stare at me with a blank look. I was recently asked if I tweet. I answered, No, but I do fart a lot."

P.S. I know some of you are not over 60. I sent it to you to allow you to forward it to those who are.

We senior citizens don't need anymore gadgets. The TV remote and the garage door remote are about all we can handle.

[paul needham]

Bird Identification
I may not be great at bird identification but I do know that there are four females and one male..

[paul needham]

Little Johnny! (Bless him).

"Class, today's assignment is to spell and use the word 'DOUGH' in a sentence."

"Jane, you go first..."
"Dough; D O U G H.... Italians make pizza with dough."

"Very good, Jane, now let's hear from Mary.

"Dough; D O U G H... My brother makes things with play dough

"Yes, Johnny, do you have something constructive to add?"
"My mum says my dad doesn't make enough dough, and he's bloody hopeless in bed, so she uses a dill dough

[paul needham]

Irish burial at sea

Mick and Paddy had promised their uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died. Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.


They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat. After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'



Without a word Paddy slips over the side, only to find himself standing in water up to his knees. 'Dis'll neva do, Mick. Let's row some more.'



After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again, but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.



Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?' Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No, dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.



So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears. Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface, gasping for breath. 'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'



'Aye 'tis', says Paddy. 'Hand me da shovel..'

[paul needham]

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.

One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead.

Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.

But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe.
Maybe they'll do something for the creature."


Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father.
Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"


Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus!

Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?"

[paul needham]

If Scotland gains its independence as a result of the forthcoming referendum, the remainder of the UK will

be known as the "Former United Kingdom" (FUK).



In a bid to discourage the Scots from voting "yes" the English government has begun a campaign with the

slogan "Vote NO for FUK's sake."



They feel that Scottish voters will warm to this.

[paul needham]

THE LEGAL SYSTEM!!

A man and his wife were getting a divorce at a local court in Poland;

But the custody of their children posed a problem.


The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge,

That since she had brought the children into this world,

She should retain custody of them.


The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his side of the story.


After a long moment of silence, the man rose from his chair and replied:


"Your Honor, when I put a coin into a vending machine, and a Coke comes out,

Does the Coke belong to me or to the machine?"



DON'T LAUGH...... HE WON!!

[paul needham]

I've just arrived at one of those Swiss suicide clinics costing​ me £44,000
Do you know what the bastards have given me for breakfast this morning?

“Cheerios".

[paul needham]

GRANDFATHERS DO NOT KNOW EVERYTHING





Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.
He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked ,
'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’
‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.
A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And Jimmy’s mom wants to have a word with you.' !!

[paul needham]

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

Her excited husband agreed.

This scenario was repeated the next night, and the next, and became their habit every single time they made love, eventually for more than 40 years - him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she wanted.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband unexpectedly at home, in a shambolic drunken state.
When she asked him what the hell was going on, he explained that his job was a victim of the company’s corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was highly unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position paying anywhere near what he'd been earning, and so they were financially ruined.

Proudly and calmly his wife went upstairs and returned with a bank book which showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and proudly told him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for the four decades she had 'charged' him for sex, these holdings had multiplied, and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'Honey, if only I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

Sad, but I know, I didn’t see this coming either.

[paul needham]

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that is a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.

She said: "Out of all your friends, you have the biggest dick."

[paul needham]

The sharing of marriage...







The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink..


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'


She answered --


(Continue below - This is great)



















'THE TEETH.'

[paul needham]

Who needs a dictionary when you have dads



A small boy has a school home work question to answer, so
He asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-o son, go and ask your
Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy runs off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she
said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a
Million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
question."

The boy runs off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said
she would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if
he'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"



Well there you have it, son," said his dad.
"Theoretically we could be sitting on three million quid.
Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."

[paul needham]

Life in the Australian Army...

Text of a letter from a kid from Eromanga to Mum and Dad. (For Those of you not in the know, Eromanga is a small town, west of Quilpie in the far south west of Queensland)




Dear Mum & Dad,

I am well. Hope youse are too. Tell me big brothers Doug and Phil that the Army is better than workin' on the farm - tell them to get in bloody quick smart before the jobs are all gone! I wuz a bit slow in settling down at first, because ya don't hafta get outta bed until 6am. But I like sleeping in now, cuz all ya gotta do before brekky is make ya bed and shine ya boots and clean ya uniform. No bloody cows to milk, no calves to feed, no feed to stack - nothin'!! Ya haz gotta shower though, but its not so bad, coz there's lotsa hot water and even a light to see what ya doing!

At brekky ya get cereal, fruit and eggs but there's no kangaroo steaks or possum stew like wot Mum makes. You don't get fed again until noon and by that time all the city boys are buggered because we've been on a 'route march' - geez its only just like walking to the windmill in the back paddock!!

This one will kill me brothers Doug and Phil with laughter. I keep getting medals for shootin' - dunno why. The bullseye is as big as a bloody possum's bum and it don't move and it's not firing back at ya like the Johnsons did when our big scrubber bull got into their prize cows before the Ekka last year! All ya gotta do is make yourself comfortable and hit the target - it's a piece of piss!! You don't even load your own cartridges, they comes in little boxes, and ya don't have to steady yourself against the rollbar of the roo shooting truck when you reload!

Sometimes ya gotta wrestle with the city boys and I gotta be real careful coz they break easy - it's not like fighting with Doug and Phil and Jack and Boori and Steve and Muzza all at once like we do at home after the muster.
Turns out I'm not a bad boxer either and it looks like I'm the best the platoon's got, and I've only been beaten by this one bloke from the Engineers - he's 6 foot 5 and 15 stone and three pick handles across the shoulders and as ya know I'm only 5 foot 7 and eight stone wringin' wet, but I fought him till the other blokes carried me off to the boozer.

I can't complain about the Army - tell the boys to get in quick before word gets around how bloody good it is.

Your loving daughter,


Sheila