Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

What is Celibacy?

Celibacy can be a choice in life,
Or a condition imposed by circumstances.

While attending a Marriage Weekend,
my wife and I, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know the
things that are important to each other.."
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favorite flower?'
I leaned over, touched my wife's hand gently,
and whispered, 'Self-raising, isn't it?'

And thus began my life of celibacy..........

[paul needham]

Agree with this Chinese Doctor's view about healthy living.
Lost the will to live?
Read the following and pass the wine !!

ATT00001.jpeg (17 KiB) Viewed 10112 times

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
A: Heart only good for so many beats, and that it... Don't waste on exercise. Everything wear out eventually. Speeding up heart not make you live longer; it like saying you extend life of car by driving faster. Want to live longer? Take nap.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: Oh no. Wine made from fruit. Fruit very good. Brandy distilled wine, that mean they take water out of fruity bit so you get even more of goodness that way. Beer also made of grain. Grain good too. Bottom up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have body and you have fat, your ratio one to one. If you have two body, your ratio two to one.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of one, sorry. My philosophy: No pain...good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU NOT LISTENING! Food fried in vegetable oil. How getting more vegetable be bad?

Q : Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

A: Oh no! When you exercise muscle, it get bigger. You should only be doing sit-up if you want bigger stomach.


Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: You crazy?!? HEL-LO-O!! Cocoa bean! Another vegetable! It best feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming good for figure, explain whale to me.

Q: Is getting in shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! 'Round' is shape!

Well... I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets.

And remember:
Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well-preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO-HOO, what a ride!!"

AND.....

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Brits.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

[paul needham]

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird
> section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'
>
> The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.
>
> 'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,'
> says Gerry..
>
> The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.
>
> Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's
> truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass..
>
> At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis
> looks like a grand place..'
>
> He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off
> the cliff.
>
> Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the
> bottom, killing himself stone dead.
>
> Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and
> says, 'Feck dat. Dis budgie jumping is too feck'n dangerous for me!'
>
>
>
> THERE'S MORE. ...
>
>
> Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass.
>
> He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff
> carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other..
>
> 'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.
>
> He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.
>
> He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.
>
> Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.
>
> Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and
> breaks every bone in his body.
>
> Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting
> either!'
>
>
>
> IT IS NOT OVER YET....
>
>
> Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean
> appears.
>
> He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which
> he pulls a chicken.
>
> Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and
> disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.
>
> Once more Paddy shakes his head. 'Feck dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with
> his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting.... And now Sean and his
> feck'n hengliding!'

[Phil Cross]

Understanding Artificer Engineers (well... sort of)




Understanding Engineers #1
Two engineering students were biking across the
campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday,
minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on
this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said,
"Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and
said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you
anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass
is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it
needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning
for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed,
"What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for
fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've
never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the
greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello
George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're
rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes.
That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving
our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play
for free anytime!."
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's
so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my
ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything
she can do for them."
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and
civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons.
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing
who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a
mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous
system has many thousands of electrical connections."
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil
engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through
a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have
enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called
out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful
princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.
The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back
into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and
returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me
and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week
and do anything you want."
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back
into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter?
I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you
for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time
for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

And Finally . . . Two engineers???
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole,
looking at its top.
A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.
"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one
of the engineers. “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple
of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took
a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement,
announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.
One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that
does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

[paul needham]

Paddy McCoy, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
"Tell me about your staff," he asked Paddy.
"Well," said Paddy, "there's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.
Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.
There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week along with a bottle of whisky and, as a special treat, occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."

"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."

"That'll be me then," said Paddy.

[paul needham]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finished." However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best linguists in the world, Guisseppe Barsulia, an Italian linguist, was a presenter, when he was asked to make that very distinction.


The question put to him by a colleague in this erudite audience was this: “Some say there is no difference between ‘complete’ and ‘finished.’ Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand.”


Mr. Barsulia's response: “When you marry the right woman, you are ‘complete.’ If you marry the wrong woman, you are ‘finished.’ And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are ‘completely finished.’”


His answer received a standing ovation.

[paul needham]

40 years
of marriage..

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their
40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic
little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table.

She said, 'For being such an exemplary married
couple and for being loving to each other for
all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'

The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world
with my darling husband.'

The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two
tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her
hands.

The husband thought for a moment:
'Well, this is all very romantic, but an
opportunity like this will never come again. I'm
sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30
years younger than me.'

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed,
but a wish is a wish.!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and
poof!...

The husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:
Men who are ungrateful b******s should
remember fairies are female......

[paul needham]

Better than a Flu Shot!
Miss Beatrice,
The church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.
She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea...
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ,the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones,they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
'Miss Beatrice', he said,
'I wonder if you would tell me about this?
Pointing to the bowl.
'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?
I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ,keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.

[paul needham]

Why females should avoid a girls night out after they are married....

If this does not make you laugh out loud, you have lost your sense of humour.

The other night I was invited out for a night with the 'girls'.

I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, 'I promise!'


Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily.

Around 3 am, a bit loaded, I headed for home.

Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times.

Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself for coming up with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible

conflict with him.

(Even when totally smashed.... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos total 12 cuckoos = MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in?

I told him 'MIDNIGHT'... he didn't seem pissed off in the least.

Whew, I got away with that one!

Then he said 'We need a new cuckoo clock!'

When I asked him why, he said,

'Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said 'oh ****' cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted."

[paul needham]

An old Doberman starts chasing rabbits and before long, discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a panther heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old Doberman thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep trouble now!"
Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the panther is about to leap, the old Doberman exclaims loudly,

"Boy, that was one delicious panther! I wonder, if there are any more around here?"

Hearing this, the young panther halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees.

"Whew!," says the panther, "That was close! That old Doberman nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a squirrel who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the panther. So, off he goes.

The squirrel soon catches up with the panther, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the panther.

The young panther is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, squirrel, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old Doberman sees the panther coming with the squirrel on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?," but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old Doberman says ......

"Where's that squirrel? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another panther!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with the old dogs... Age and skill will always overcome youth and treachery!
brilliance only come with age and experience.

[paul needham]

HOW NOT TO START AN OLD AIRCRAFT

Yes, I imagine you spotted it, too.

Never, ever, try to prop-start an aircraft without first chocking
the wheels!

Expect that caught your eye right away, as it did mine.

Untitledattachment00007.jpg (77.76 KiB) Viewed 9903 times

[paul needham]

A very ingenious ad

Great advertisement...

http://safeshare.tv/w/IEgQqEQmpJ

[paul needham]

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.

"What's up Dave" asked the Landlord… "It's not like you to be so down in the mouth"

"It's my four year old son" the man replied.

"Don't tell me, he's in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad's just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age" said the landlord, sympathetically.

" I only wish it was that" continued the customer, "but it's far worse than that. The little b*****d has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant."

"Get away, that's impossible!" gasped the landlord

"It's not" said the man…

"The little bugger's stuck a pin in all my condoms."

[paul needham]

Directions to Heaven


A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store. As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "good morning young man, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"


The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a coupla blocks and turn to your right."


The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday...I'll show you how to get to Heaven."


The little boy replied with a chuckle. "You're bullshitting me, right?
.....You don't even know the way to the Post Office!”

[paul needham]

RACISM?

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days.

A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Irish sausage?"

The assistant asks, "Are you Irish?"

The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you
something. If I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I
was Italian?

Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was
German?

Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish?

Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican?

Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?"

The assistant says, "No, I probably wouldn't."

The guy says, "Well then, just because I asked for Irish sausage, why
did you ask me if I'm Irish?"

The assistant replied, "Because you're in Halfords."

[paul needham]

The Night Nurse


A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realises her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller, and without missing a beat, she says:

'Well, that's just great..............some ****'s got my pen!'

[paul needham]

> Murphy drops a slice buttered toast on the kitchen
> floor and it lands butter-side-up.
> He looks down in
> astonishment, for he knows that it's a law of nature of the
> universe
> that buttered toast always falls butter-down.
>
>
> So he rushes round to the church to fetch Father
> Flanagan.
>
>
> He tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in
> his kitchen.
>
>
> He won't say what it is, so he asks Father Flanagan
> to come and see it with his own eyes.
>
>
> He leads Father Flanagan into the kitchen and asks
> him what he sees on the floor.
>
>
> "Well," says the priest, "it's pretty obvious.
> Someone has dropped some buttered toast on
> the floor and then they flipped it over so that the butter was on
> top."
>
>
> "No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!"
> exclaimed Murphy
>
>
> "Oh my Lord," says Father Flanagan, "dropped toast
> never falls with the butter side up.
>
>
> It must be miracle.
>
>
> Wait... it's not for me to say it's a miracle.
> I'll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he'll have to
> deal with it.
> He'll send some people round; to interview you, take photos, etc."
>
>
> After 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the
> Bishop announces the final ruling.
>
>
> "It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary
> event took place in Murphy's kitchen,
> Quite outside the natural laws of the universe.
>
>
> Yet the Holy Ones must be very cautious before
> ruling a miracle.
> All other explanations must be ruled out.
>
>
> Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared
> that it is 'No Miracle'
>
> They think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong
> side.

[paul needham]

This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office in West Geelong after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door raffle prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind.



Dear Lions Bay School,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 87 years old and live at the West Geelong Home for the Aged.
All of my family has passed away so I am all alone. I want to thank you for the kindness you have shown to a forgotten old lady.
My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but, she would never let me listen to it. She said it belonged to her long dead husband, and understandably, wanted to keep it safe.
The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a dozen pieces. It was awful and she was in tears.
She asked if she could listen to mine, and I was overjoyed that I could tell her to **** off.

Thank you for that wonderful opportunity.

God bless you all.

Sincerely, Edna

[paul needham]

12 of the finest (unintentional) double-entendres ever aired on British TV and radio:


1. Ted Walsh - Horse Racing Commentator - 'This is really a lovely horse. I once rode her mother.'


2. New Zealand Rugby Commentator - 'Andrew Mehrtens loves it when Daryl Gibson comes inside of him.'


3. Pat Glenn, weightlifting commentator - 'And this is Gregoriava from Bulgaria . I saw her snatch this morning and it was amazing!'


4. Harry Carpenter at the Oxford-Cambridge boat race 1977 - 'Ah, isn't that nice. The wife of the Cambridge President is kissing the Cox of the Oxford crew.'


5. US PGA Commentator - 'One of the reasons Arnie (Arnold Palmer) is playing so well is that, before each tee shot, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them. Oh my god !! What have I just said??'


6. Carenza Lewis about finding food in the Middle Ages on 'Time Team Live' said: 'You'd eat beaver if you could get it.'


7. A female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked, 'So Bob, where's that eight inches you promised me last night?' Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too, because they were laughing so hard!


8. Steve Ryder covering the US Masters: 'Ballesteros felt much better today after a 69 yesterday.'


9. Clair Frisby talking about a jumbo hot dog on 'Look North' said: 'There's nothing like a big hot sausage inside you on a cold night like this. '


10 Mike Hallett discussing missed snooker shots on 'Sky Sports': 'Stephen Hendry jumps on Steve Davis's misses every chance he gets.'


11. Michael Buerk on watching Philippa Forrester cuddle up to a male astronomer for warmth during BBC1's UK eclipse coverage remarked: 'They seem cold out there. They're rubbing each other and he's only come in his shorts.'

12.. Ken Brown commentating on golfer Nick Faldo and his caddie Fanny Sunneson lining-up shots at the Scottish Open: 'Some weeks Nick likes to use Fanny; other weeks he prefers to do it by himself.'

[paul needham]

A NEW CROP OF IDIOTS

Number One Idiot.
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away.
Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Two Idiot.
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Three Idiot.
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the Branch and wrote this, "Put all your money in this bag". While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.
Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Love this one!!
Number Four Idiot.
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police that contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately mailed in his $40.
Wise guy ... But you still get a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Number Five Idiot.
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you are over 21". The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the guy two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Six
A pair of robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!". When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't even deserve a sign.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. Seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape. Yep, here's your sign
.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Idiot Number Eight.
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore". Take the sign - Please

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Stay Alert! They walk among us ... they Reproduce ... they also Vote ... and more than a few of them hold public office!