Postby paul needham » January 6th, 2015, 8:46 pm
> Seniors Banking
> Shown below, is an actual letter that was sent to a bank by an 86 year old
> woman? ?
> The bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in the
> Times.
> Dear Sir
> I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured
> to pay my plumber last month.
> By my calculations, three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his
> presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to
> honour it..
> I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire pension,
> an arrangement which, I admit, has been in place for only eight years.
> You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and
> also for debiting my account $30 by way of penalty for the inconvenience
> caused to your bank.
> My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused
> me to rethink my errant financial ways. I noticed that whereas I personally
> answer your telephone calls and letters, --- when I try to contact you, I
> am confronted by the impersonal, overcharging, pre-recorded, faceless
> entity which your bank has become.
> From now on, I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh-and-blood person.
> My mortgage and loan repayments will therefore and hereafter no longer be
> automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by cheque, addressed personally
> and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
> Be aware that it is an OFFENSE under the Postal Act for any other person to
> open such an envelope.
> Please find attached an Application Contact which I require your chosen
> employee to complete.
> I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about
> him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative.
> Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be
> countersigned by a Notary Public figure, and the mandatory details of
> his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be
> accompanied by documented proof.
> In due course, at MY convenience, I will issue your employee with a PIN
> number which he/she must quote in dealings with me.
> I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have
> modelled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my
> account balance on your phone bank service.
> As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
> Let me level the playing field even further.
> When you call me, press buttons as follows:
> IMMEDIATELY AFTER DIALLING, PRESS THE STAR (*) BUTTON FOR ENGLISH
> #1. To make an appointment to see me
> #2. To query a missing payment.
> #3. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
> #4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
> #5. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
> #6. To transfer the call to my mobile phone if I am not at home.
> #7. To leave a message on my computer, a password to access my computer is
> required.
> Password will be communicated to you at a later date to that Authorized
> Contact mentioned earlier.
> #8. To return to the main menu and to listen to options 1 to 9
> #9. To make a general complaint or inquiry.
> The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated
> answering service.
> While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will
> play for the duration of the call.
> Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an
> establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
> May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous New Year?
> Your Humble Client
> ?---
> ?
> And remember:
> Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so
> it doesn't take much to piss us off.
