Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 25th, 2015, 8:20 am

Finally, the true story as told by Hillary Clinton to world leaders.

​"Some years ago, nearing dinner time at the White House, our regular cook fell ill and they had to get a replacement on short notice.

He wasn't the smartest looking guy, in fact he seemed a bit dirty. The President voiced his concerns to his Chief of Staff but was told that this was the best they could do on such short notice.

"Just before the meal, Bill noticed the cook sticking his finger in ​the soup to taste it and again complained to the Chief Of Staff, but he was assured that many chefs did that.


"Dinner went okay, although Bill thought that the soup tasted a little funny. By the time dessert came, he started to have stomach cramps and nausea. It was getting worse and worse until finally the President had to excuse himself.

"By now, he was desperately ill with violent cramps and was so disorientated that he couldn't remember which door led to the bathroom. He was on the verge of passing out from the pain when he finally found a door that opened.

"As he unzipped his trousers and ran in, he realized to his horror that he had stumbled into Monica Lewinsky's office with his trousers around his knees. As he was about to pass out, this naive girl bent over him and heard the President whisper in a barely audible voice:

"Sack my cook"

"And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how the whole misunderstanding occurred."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:32 pm

POSSIBLY THE BEST PHOTO CAPTION EVER!
Look carefully in the background. A photo caption contest was held for this photograph.
And this is the caption that won.
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:34 pm

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two people show up. One is an older retired golfer in his late sixties and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion! He ate my last tamer so you two had better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment -- chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life!" He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The tough old golfer replies,

"No problem, just get that lion out of there."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:36 pm

As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.


As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.


I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.


I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play..


The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together. When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, I'm still lost....it's a man thing.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:38 pm

Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.
The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."
The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand.
This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"
The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now.. They're very good."
The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."
The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"
The woman with the Chihuahua said, .........


"A Chihuahua ? They gave me a f***ing Chihuahua ?!"

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:44 pm

Good old Tommy Cooper......

1. Two blondes walked into a building --- you'd think at least one of
> them would have seen it.
>
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message: 'If you want to buy marijuana,
> press the hash key.'
>
>
> 3. A guy walked into a psychiatrists wearing only clingfilm for shorts.
> The shrink says, 'Well, I can clearly see you're nuts.'
>
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day --- but I
> couldn't find any.
>
>
> 5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli --- a strong currant pulled him
> in.
>
>
> 6. A man recovered in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
> 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!' The doctor replied, 'I know,
> I've cut off your hands'.
>
>
> 7. I went to a Seafood Disco last week, and pulled a muscle.
>
>
> 8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the
> craft. It sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak
> and heat it.
>
>
> 9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered
> with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
>
>
> 10 Man went to the doctor with a strawberry growing out of his head.
> Doc says, 'I'll give you some cream to put on that.'
>
>
> 11. 'Doc, I can't stop singing: 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'
> Doc said, 'That sounds like the Tom Jones Syndrome. '
> 'Is it common, doc?'
> 'Well, it's not unusual.'
>
>
> 12. A man took his Rottweiller to the vet. 'My dog is cross-eyed, is
> there anything you can do for him?'
> 'Well,' said the vet, 'let's have a look at him.' and he picked up the
> dog and examined his eyes, then he checked his teeth. Finally, he said,
> 'I'm going to have to put him down.'
> 'What? --- because he's cross-eyed?'
> 'No, because he's really, really, heavy'
>
>
> 13. Guy went into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up
> my bottom.'
> 'How's that?'
> 'Oh, now, don't you start.'
>
>
>
> 14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? --- a fsh.
>
>
> 15. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke said to me 'Can you
> give me a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster,
> go for it.'
>
>
>
>
> 16. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5
> people in my family so one of them must be Chinese. It's either my mum
> or my Dad --- or my older brother Colin --- or my younger brother
> Ho-Cha-Chu --- but I think it's Colin.
>
>
> 17. Two fat blokes in a pub, one said to the other 'Your round.' The
> second one replied, 'So are you, you fat ****!'
>
>
> 18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid,
> and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other
> one off.
>
>
> 19. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today.
> They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So
> that was nice.'
>
> 20 . A man walked into the doctor's, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in
> several places'
> The doctor said, 'Well don't go there any more'
>
> 21. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a
> small two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and
> rescue workers have recovered 2826 bodies so far and expect that number
> to climb as digging continues into the night.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:50 pm

Ron Chestna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2 a.m.

and was asked where he was going at that time of night .

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Ron replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects

it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"

Ron replied, "That would be my wife."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 27th, 2015, 6:51 pm

CHICKEN SURPRISE

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant, and order the 'Chicken Surprise', The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around, before the lid slams back down.

'Good grief, did you see that ?' she asks her husband.
He hadn't, so she asks him to look in the pot.
He reaches for it and again the lid rises and he sees two little eyes, looking around before it slams down..
Rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
'Please sir,' says the waiter, 'what you order ?'
The husband replies, 'Chicken Surprise'


'Ah ! So sorry,' says the waiter,
'I bring you Peeking Duck by mistake'.......

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..and you wonder why we despair?

Postby Lynne Roberts » January 29th, 2015, 8:42 am

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 31st, 2015, 7:51 am

Isn't that how they are sopposed to be done Lynne ?

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 31st, 2015, 7:52 am

BURSTING NEWS!


The Pound/Euro


The British Penny - European Union Directive No. 456179

In order to bring about further integration with the single European currency, the Euro, all citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland must be made aware that the phrase “Spending a Penny” is not to be used after 31 December 2014.

From this date onwards, the correct term will be:

“Euronating".

It is hoped that this will be a great relief to everyone.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » January 31st, 2015, 7:53 am

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Englishman were discussing screams of passion.



The Italian said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virgin olive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non-stop, for five minutes."



The Frenchman said: "Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes."



The Englishman said: That's nothing! Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours."



The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, "Two full hours? Wow! That's phenomenal. How did you make her scream for two hours?"



The Englishman replied: "I wiped my hands on the curtains."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Bob Thompson1894 » January 31st, 2015, 11:10 am

Ha ha! Thats the (semi) clean version.........

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » February 1st, 2015, 7:50 pm

A woman, pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears. 'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago
About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom,
I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out.' Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago..

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the Mom, 'I know what happened You were

taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » February 10th, 2015, 11:12 pm

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her husband's temper.
The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?
The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason, and it scares me."
The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow it until he either leaves the room or goes to bed and falls asleep."
Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor, looking fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband started losing it, I swished with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down! How does a glass of water do that?"
The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping your mouth shut that does the trick...."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » February 10th, 2015, 11:18 pm

A recent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs.Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there he lost all interest in sex.
A hospital spokesman replied:
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery.
All we did was correct his eyesight."
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » February 10th, 2015, 11:22 pm

Think you are having a bad day?



Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.



A post-mortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.



It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.



You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air.



Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed. But keep reading...





Still think you're having a bad day?



A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.



His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.



While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled petrol with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.



After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.



The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she once again phoned for an ambulance.. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.



As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them. They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.



Still having a bad day ?







Just remember, it could be worse..



The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.





Still think you are ha ving a bad day ?



A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.





STILL think you're havi ng a bad day ?



Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly. The two hapless protesters were trampled to death.





What ?! STILL having a bad day??



Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with 'return to sender' stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.



There now, feeling better?

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » February 20th, 2015, 6:38 am

It was raining hard and a big puddle had formed in front of an Irish pub. An old man stood beside the puddle holding a stick with a string on the end and jiggled it up and down in the water. A curious gentleman asked what he was doing. 'Fishing,' replied the old man.
'Poor old fool' thought the gentleman, so he invited the old man to have a drink in the pub.

Feeling he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whiskey, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?'


'You're the eighth.'

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » February 20th, 2015, 6:56 am

When I was young I decided I wanted to be a Doctor so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.
One of the questions asked us to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part which is most useful when erect.
Those who answered SPINE are Doctor's today.
The rest of us are sending jokes via E-mail.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 2nd, 2015, 11:44 am

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house and inside, he finds a young couple in bed.
He ties him to a chair. While tying the wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife,
"Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years.
I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain. Do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

She responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too."


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