Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 2nd, 2015, 11:46 am

What a bloody rippa!

All the way from Oz.



They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,

If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.

They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,

There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.



They were given many names, some were even funny,

But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.

I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,

But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.



Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,

That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.

They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"

You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.



That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,

We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.

Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,

He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.



And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,

You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.

And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,

But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.



There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,

Just squares of well read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.

If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,

You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..



When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,

Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.

Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,

If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.



The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,

And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.

For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,

Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 2nd, 2015, 11:50 am

A song I can relate to!!!!!!

https://www.youtube.com/embed/OOgd9hitEAE?rel=0

although some of the folks might look a bit familiar.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 2nd, 2015, 11:52 am

Hotel Bill -Take a minute to read this and laugh

An older lady decided to give herself a big treat for her 70th birthday by
staying overnight in a really nice hotel.

When she checked out the next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for
£250.00.

She demanded to know why the charge was so high.

"I agree it's a nice hotel, but the rooms aren't worth £250.00 for just an
overnight stay!

I didn't even have breakfast."

The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate', and breakfast had
been included had she wanted it.

She insisted on speaking to the Manager.

The Manager appeared and, forewarned by the desk clerk, announced:

"This hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are
available for use."

"But I didn't use them," she said.

''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager.

He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel
shows for which they were so famous.

"We have the best entertainers from the world over performing here," the
Manager said.

"But I didn't go to any of those shows," she said.

"Well, we have them, and you could have," the Manager replied.

No matter what amenity the Manager mentioned, she replied, "But I didn't use
it!" and the Manager countered with his standard response.

After several minutes discussion, and with the Manager still unmoved, she
decided to pay, wrote a cheque and gave it to him.

The Manager was surprised when he looked at the cheque. "But madam, this
cheque is for £50.00."

"That's correct I charged you £200.00 for sleeping with me," she replied.

"But I didn't!" exclaimed the very surprised Manager.

"Well, too bad, I was here, and you could have."


Don't mess with Senior Citizens

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 2nd, 2015, 11:54 am

Woman Marine Pilot ~ A Truly Touching Story


The Woman Marine Pilot

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it. The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

"Janie, do you have a story to share?"

'Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.


She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops. She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands."

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?"

"Don't f**k with Mommy when she's been drinking."

I love these touching stories!

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 26th, 2015, 8:31 am

>> The Rooster.
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> A farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he
>> goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he
>> would sell.
>>
>> The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny.
>> He'll service every chicken you got, no problem. Kenny the rooster costs
>> $3,000." A lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he
>> buys Kenny.
>>
>> The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barnyard, but first
>> he gave the rooster a pep talk. "I want you to pace yourself now. You've got
>> a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me a lot of money.
>> Consequently, I'll need you to do a good job. So, take your time and have
>> some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
>>
>> Kenny seems to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house and
>> Kenny takes off like a shot. WHAM! Kenny nails every hen in the hen house
>> three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked. After that, the
>> farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen and, sure enough, Kenny is in
>> there. Later, the farmer sees Kenny after a flock of geese down by the
>> lake.Once again - WHAM! He gets all the geese.
>>
>> By sunset he sees Kenny out in the fields chasing quail and
>> pheasants.The farmer is distraught and worried that his expensive rooster
>> won't even last 24 hours.
>>
>> Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next morning to
>> find Kenny on his back out in the middle of the yard, mouth open, tongue
>> hanging out and both feet sticking straight up in the air. Buzzards are
>> circling overhead.
>>
>> The farmer, saddened by the loss of such a colourful and expensive
>> animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Kenny, I told you to pace yourself. I
>> tried to get you to slow down, now look what you've done to yourself!"
>>
>> Kenny opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and
>> says, "Shhhh .. they're getting closer."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:10 pm

Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils


Extracts from letters written by council tenants:

1. It's the dog’s mess that I find hard to swallow.

2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.

3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.

5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.

6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?

7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.

8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.

9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.

10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.

11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.

12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.

13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.

14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.

15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.

16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.

17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.

18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.

19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..

20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.

21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.

22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:12 pm

> It's Always the Irish!
>
> Reilly went to trial for armed robbery. At last the jury came back and the foreman announced, "Not guilty."
> "That's grand!" shouted Reilly, "So does that mean I can keep the money?"
>
>
>
> Finnegan: ​"​My wife has a terrible habit of staying up till two o'clock in the morning. I can't break her of it.​"​
> Keenan: ​ "​What on earth is she doin' till that time?​"​
> Finnegan: ​ "Waitin' for me to come home.​"​
>
>
>
> Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink.
> Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk.
>
>
>
> The reason the Irish fight so often among themselves is that they're always assured of having a worthy opponent.
>
>
>
> The lawyer asked, "Paddy, why is it that whenever you ask an Irishman a question, he answers with another question?”
> "Who told you that?" asked Paddy.
>
>
>
> Why are Irish jokes so simple?
> So the English can understand them.
>
>
>
> Irish lass shopping: "Could I please be trying on that dress in the window?"
> Shopkeeper: "I'd prefer you to use the dressing room."
>
>
>
> Mrs Feeney shouted from the kitchen, "Is that you I hear spittin' in the vase on the mantle piece?"
> "No you’re wrong," said himself, "but I'm gettin' closer all the time."
>
>
>
> What do you call an Irishman who knows how to control a wife?
> A bachelor.
>
>
>
> "O'Ryan," asked the chemist, "did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?"
> "Surely it did," replied O'Ryan, "but it keeps fallin' off!"
>
>
>
> Slaney phoned the hospital. "Quick!" he said, "Send an ambulance, my wife is goin' to have a baby!"
> "Tell me, is this her first baby?" the nurse asked.
> "No, this is her husband Kevin speakin’."
>
>
>
> Did you hear about the Irish newlyweds who sat up all night on their honeymoon waiting for their sexual relations to arrive?
>
>
>
> My mother wanted me to be a priest. Can you imagine anything worse than giving up your sex life, and then once a week people coming in to tell you all about theirs?

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:13 pm

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in London. They
turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10p.”
They look at each other and then go in, thinking, this is too good to be true.
The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis—shaken, not stirred—and says, "That'll be 10p each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each
other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40p, finish their martinis, and order another round.
Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40p, please." They pay the 40p, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a £1 yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis
as good as these for a 10p a piece?"
"I'm a retired tailor," the bartender says, “and I always wanted
to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for £25 million and
decided to open this place. Every drink costs 10p. wine, liquor, beer—it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.


As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks
in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Scotland.
They're waiting for Happy Hour, when drinks are half-price”.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:17 pm

The cremated husband
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well, here it comes!!!!"

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:24 pm

Best marriage proposal ever - YouTube
https://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M?rel=0

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:34 pm

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited
at a party...

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy.
He started working at a successful company at the bottom of
the barrel.

He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon
began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the
president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his
best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my
pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went
to flight school to become a pilot.

Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he
owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his
best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his
own construction company and is now a multimillionaire...

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his
best friend for his birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked:
'What are all the congratulations for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel
for the successes of our sons...

What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... What a
disappointment.'

The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him.

And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks
ago, and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from three of his boyfriends.'

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:35 pm

Once upon a time, in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six days. Eventually, Archangel Michael found him on the seventh day, resting. He enquired of God, "Where have you been?"
God pointed downwards through the clouds. Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, 'What is it?' 'It's a planet,' replied God, 'and I’ve put LIFE on it. I'm going to call it Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance. 'Balance?' inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing down to different parts of the Earth. 'For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot, and Russia will be a cold spot.

Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people God continued, pointing to the different countries. This one will be extremely hot and arid while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.'

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to another area of land and asked, 'What's that?'
'Ah,' said God. 'That's the North of England, the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful people, seven Premiership football teams in the North West alone, and many impressive cities; it is the home of the world's finest artists, musicians, writers, thinkers, explorers and politicians.

The people from the North of England are going to be modest, intelligent and humorous and they're going to be found travelling the world.

They'll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as speakers of truth.'
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed,
'What about balance God, you said there will be BALANCE!'

God replied very wisely:

'Wait till you see the bunch of tossers I'm putting down South to Govern the country!'

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 29th, 2015, 2:36 pm

" Morning Sex "


She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only the tee shirt that she normally slept in. As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, “You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said,”Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked,"What was that all about?"

She explained,"The egg timer's broken."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 30th, 2015, 5:51 pm

The 11th Husband...

A young man married a beautiful woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband to "Please be gentle; I'm still a Virgin".

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

"Husband # 2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function; but he said he'd look into it and get back with me.

"Husband # 3 was from Field Services; he said that everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.


"Husband # 4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

"Husband # 5 was an Engineer, he understood the basic process but he wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state of the-art method.

"Husband #6 was from Administration; he thought he knew how but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

"Husband # 7 was in Marketing; although he had a
Product, he was never sure how to position it...

"Husband # 8 was a Psychiatrist; all he did was talk about it.

"Husband # 9 was a Gynecologist; all he did was look at it.

"Husband # 10 was a Stamp Collector; all he ever did was lick it..... God I miss him.

" But now that I've married you, I'm so excited".



"Wonderful", said the husband, "but why?

"You're with the
"GOVERNMENT"

This time I KNOW I'M gonna get screwed."

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » March 31st, 2015, 2:11 pm

Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.

This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood.

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsh##le is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.’

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 14th, 2015, 4:38 am

Butch the Rooster


Sarah was in the fertilized egg business.
She had several hundred young Œpullets' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.
She kept records and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced.
This took a lot of time, so she bought some tiny bells and attached them to her roosters.
Each bell had a different tone, so she could tell from a distance which rooster was performing.
Now, she could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.
Sarah's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen but, this morning she noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all!
When she went to investigate, she saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
To Sarah's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.
He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job, and walk on to the next one.
Sarah was so proud of old Butch, she entered him in the Dowerin Show and he became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the "No Bell Peace Prize" they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making.
Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the unsuspecting populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Vote carefully in the next election.
You can't always hear the bells.

If you don¹t send this on, you're chicken, no yoke!

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 14th, 2015, 4:40 am

Sense of Freshness....

A while ago a new very modern IGA opened in the surburbs in WA.

It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mowed hay.

In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of eggs frying.

The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.



I don't buy toilet paper there anymore

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 15th, 2015, 7:42 pm

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are
> about to kiss each other goodnight at the front door, the guy
> starts feeling a little frisky. With an air of confidence,
> he leans with his hand against the wall and smiling, he
> says to her, "Honey, would you have sex with me?"
>
> Horrified, she replies, "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
>
> "Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?" he asks, grinning at her.
>
> "No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught?"
>
> "Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
>
> "No way. It's just too risky!"
>
> "Oh please, please, I love you so much!"
>
> "No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
>
> "Oh, yes you can. Please?"
>
> "No, no. I just can't"
>
> "I'm begging you."
>
> Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the
> girl's older sister shows up in her pajamas, hair
> disheveled, and in a sleepy voice, she says: "Dad says to go ahead and
> have sex with him, or I can do it... or if need be Mom says
> she can come down herself and do it. But for heaven's sake,
> tell him to take his hand off the intercom!"

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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 19th, 2015, 5:41 am

PENSIONERS' HOLIDAY

A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old
gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous
destinations around the world.

The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the
window gave him a rare feeling of generosity.

He called them into his shop, "I know that on your pension you could
never hope to have a holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort
at my expense, and I won't take no for an answer."

He took them inside and asked his secretary to write two flight
tickets and book a room in a five star hotel.

Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off!


About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop.
"And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly

"The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've
come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to
share the room with?"

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paul needham
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Joined: April 23rd, 2009, 10:29 am
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » April 19th, 2015, 5:47 am

Very shortly it will become compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc. Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR When they Travel!

Specifically for this purpose, a special “Senior USB Stick” has been developed.

Take a look below….
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