Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Thought it might help to have something to make us smile in these trying times.

I'll set the ball rolling with this:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f_lXqMmevog

You''ll need audio on.


Tony Collins 1073.

[martin collins]

Great start to the thread, very funny clip :¬)
................Martin

[Glenn Masters]

Hang on a minute - wasn't that Dave Tappin dangling that crow ? Now we know what the "Dawn patrol" do on their day off !!. Nice one Tony

[martin collins]

Another `Bush` gaff
............Martin

[martin collins]

Racing planes..........Martin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O0gC7yHsYz8

[geoff dales]

where not to taxi

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aSDoxDEJt48

[Dave Parry]

Okay here one from me, love the old dear at the end.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tjpub6rm ... re=related

[Tony Collins 1073]

Just a few jokes as a change to utube.


Father Murphy walks into a pub in Donegal, and says to the first man he meets, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

The man said, "I do, Father."

The priest said, "Then stand over there against the wall."

Then the priest asked the second man, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

"Certainly, Father," was the man's reply.

"Then stand over there against the wall," said the priest.

Then Father Murphy walked up to O'Toole and said, "Do you want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "No, I don't Father."

The priest said, "I don't believe this. You mean to tell me that when you die you don't want to go to heaven?"

O'Toole said, "Oh, when I die, yes. I thought you were getting a group together to go right now."


------------------------------




Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney.

"Did you see the paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I died!!"

"Yes, I saw it!" replied Finney. "Where are ye callin' from?"

-----------------------------




Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut . The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest's breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He says, "Sir, have you been drinking?"

"Just water," says the priest.

The trooper says, "Then why do I smell wine?"

The priest looks at the bottle and says, "Good Lord! He's done it again

------------------------------





Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.

He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.

In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.

She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"

Flynn said, "Why you say such a mean thing?"

"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door, it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs, it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house, it could be your bloodshot eyes, but mostly......it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.


_________________________________________________


They do get better. Wait and see.

[Dave Parry]

Hears one for you it was sent to me by email.
5 CASES WHEN IT IS OK TO USE THE 'F' WORD

[Tony Collins 1073]

Nice one Dave, here's a couple more.





A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant
outside the London immigration offices.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
since you just arrived in England with your wife and three children.'

The man told the fairy. 'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth,
so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.' The fairy looked at the
man's almost toothless grin and -- PING! -- he had a brand new shining set
of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two more to go.'

The refugee claimant now got bolder. 'I need a big house with a three car
garage in Knightsbridge with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee
relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over
here..

' PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a
three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ and swimming pool in an upmarket
neighbourhood.

'One more wish', said the fairy, waving her wand. 'Yes, one more wish.

I want to be like an Englishman with English clothes instead of
manjams, and a baseball cap instead of this turban.

And I want to have white skin like an Englishman
'PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans, a Chelsea T-shirt
and baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had
disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house?'





The fairy said 'Tough luck, Now that you are English, you have to
fend for yourself.'
And she disappeared!


______________________________



The Gunfighter

Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, an up and coming gunfighter
recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day had the
reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.

The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink
and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give
me some tips?' he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're
wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'Sure will,' replied the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot
the bow tie off the piano player.

'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer
hits it. That'll give you a smoother draw.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in
a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy, 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more
tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that
axle grease in the can over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the
barrel of his gun.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and
all.'

'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the
piano, he's gonna shove that gun where the sun don't shine ....and it won't hurt as
much.'

[Roy Hill 1855]

I haven,t spoken to my wife for over 6 months,cos i don,t like to interrupt her!! we always hold hands ,if i loose she goes shopping.In the beginning ,God created earth and rested, then created man and rested,then created woman since then nobody,s rested.I take her everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back!!

[Bob Thompson1894]

guess she dont come on here, then Roy!

[robbieskipton]

hmmm... Is the numbers after both your names the date you were born.... i mean roy, i know you getting old now but 1855!!!!........ man thats old...Sorry old chum, had to get that in lol

[Tony Collins 1073]

Just to keep the ball rolling.



The Power of Alcohol.



A man is waiting for his wife to give

birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born

without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves

his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.



After 21 years, the son is now old enough

for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is

proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With

all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head

in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol.



Swoooosh! Plop! A torso pops

out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The

father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant,

"Take another drink!"



The bartender continues to shake his head

in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop! Two arms pop out.

The bar goes wild. The father, crying

and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, "Take

another drink! Take another drink!"

The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing

glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes.



By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with

his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.

Plop! Plip! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos.

The father falls to his knees and tearfully

thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left then

staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck

runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.



The father moans in grief. The bartender

sighs and says,



**









**







**






WAIT FOR IT





**






**






YOUR GONNA HATE ME




**





**





**





**




**




He should've quit while he was a head!"

[martin collins]

Make sure you have the sound turned up!...........Martin

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tbLPMwCkRT4

[Tony Collins 1073]

A walker noticed an old lady sitting on her front step, so he walked up to

her and said, "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look! What is your

secret for such a long, happy life?"

"I smoke ten cigars a day," she said. "Before I go to bed, I smoke a

nice big joint. Apart from that, I drink a whole bottle of Jack Daniels

every week, and eat only junk food. On week-ends, I pop pills and do no

exercise at all."

"That is absolutely amazing at your age!", says the walker. "How old

are you?"











"Twenty-four," she replied.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Just to keep the ball rolling. If you dont at least smile at this lot then you are dead.
Just wait a few seconds for the adverts to finish.

http://www.metacafe.com/watch/970403/amazing_photos/

[Tony Collins 1073]

INTERESTING HISTORY LESSON

Railroad tracks. This is fascinating.

Be sure to read the final paragraph; your understanding of it will depend on the earlier part of the content.
The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England , and English expatriates built the US railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used.

Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England , because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England ) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since.

And the ruts in the roads? Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome , they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing. Therefore the United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot.Bureaucracies live forever.

So the next time you are handed a specification/procedure/process and wonder 'What horse's ass came up with it?', you may be exactly right. Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the rear ends of two war horses. (Two horse's asses.) Now, the twist to the story:
When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRB's are made by Thiokol at their factory in Utah .


Engineers who designed the SRB's would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRB's had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains, and the SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.

So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And you thought being a horse's ass wasn't important? Ancient horse's asses control almost everything... And
CURRENT Horses Asses are controlling everything else.




----------------------------------------------------------------------





,

[Tony Collins 1073]

PLEASE DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME.



http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BQhfcdQf ... r_embedded

[Roy Hill 1855]

Sooo funny,it gets better,keep up the good work,regards,roy.p/s,bob t,i am only 19,its you who,ve turned me old and grey