Fun stuff goes here.

This is an area for Off Topic Discussions which includes Tony Collins popular Fun Stuff.
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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » June 7th, 2017, 4:25 pm

A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing...they actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $2,000,' the young jackaroo says, 'I'll get him in the course.'

So his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?' his father wants to know.
'Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm... but you just won't believe this. They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read.'

'Read?' exclaims his father. 'No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class.'

The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

'Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!'

'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal. Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still bonking that little redhead barmaid at the pub?''

The father groans and whispers, 'I hope you shot that **** before he talks to your Mother!'

'I sure did, Dad!'

'That's my boy!'



The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » June 7th, 2017, 4:51 pm

AN ACTUAL CRAIG'S LIST

PERSONALS AD

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2017-01-17, 1:43 am. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled
the knife on me and my girlfriend, threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you to actually crap in your pants when
I drew my pistol after you took my jacket.. The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason.. my girlfriend was happy that I just returned safely from my 2nd tour as a Combat Marine in Afghanistan . She had just bought me that Kimber
Custom Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from with crap in your pants. I'm sure it
was even worse walking bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me. (That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again).

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of
what you'd done. Then I went and filled up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station, -- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 153 gallons and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with all the cash in your wallet. [That
made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked at the curb ..... after I broke the
windshield and side window and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning
President Trump as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel this type of retribution
is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so lucky. Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours, Semper fi,

Alex

Phil Cross
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Phil Cross » August 4th, 2017, 8:58 pm

Flight Report


The flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple onboard, so she reports it to the Captain immediately

“Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger onboard, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!”

The captain responds, “Patricia, I’ve told you this before. This is Air Force One...”

Lynne Roberts
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A Pilot's discipline

Postby Lynne Roberts » August 21st, 2017, 10:24 am

Most people today think it improper to discipline children, so I have tried other methods to control my kids when they have had one of ‘those moments.’

Since I'm a pilot, one method that I have found very effective is for me to just take the child for a short flight during which
I say nothing and give the child the opportunity to reflect on his or her behavior.

I don't know whether it's the steady vibration from the engines, or just the time away from any distractions such as TV, video games, computer, iPod, etc. Either way, my kids usually calm down and stop misbehaving after our flight together.

I believe that eye to eye contact during these sessions is an important element in achieving the desired results.

I've included a photo below of one of my sessions with my son, in case you would like to use the technique.

Should work with grandkids too!


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..

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 5th, 2017, 7:30 pm

Nicola Sturgeon was visiting a primary school in the Gorbals district of Glasgow where she looked in on one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.
The teacher asked Mrs. Sturgeon if she would like to lead the discussion on the word'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy.'
No,' said Mrs Sturgeon........' that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not,' explained Mrs. Sturgeon 'that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered.
Mrs Sturgeon searched the room. 'Isn't there someone
here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If A plane carrying you and Alex Salmond was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile & blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.'
Fantastic!' exclaimed Nicola. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f-ing accident either!'

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » September 5th, 2017, 7:34 pm

Air Show Disaster at ZWICK'S ISLAND PARK, BELLEVILLE, ONTARIO, CANADA.


AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS


This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events. Amazing photo below shows great detail.

The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft. It narrowly missed a crowd gathered for the air show and slammed into four buildings.

One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
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No one was killed, but it probably scared the **** out of them.

Steve Perry
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Perry » September 17th, 2017, 7:31 am

The Blackbird LA Speed Story https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eKzlmBOwQE8

Tony Collins 1073
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Tony Collins 1073 » October 8th, 2017, 9:38 am

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Two brooms were hanging in the closet and after a while they got to know each other so well, they decided to get married.

One broom was, of course, the bride broom, the other the groom broom.

The bride broom looked very beautiful in her white dress.

The groom broom was handsome and suave in his tuxedo.

The wedding was lovely.

After the wedding, at the wedding dinner, the bride-broom leaned over and said to the groom-broom,

'I think I am going to have a little broom!'

'IMPOSSIBLE !' said the groom broom.



Are you ready for this? Brace yourself; this is going to
Hurt!!!!!!
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'WE HAVEN'T EVEN SWEPT TOGETHER!'


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Oh for goodness sake... Laugh, or at least groan.

Life's too short not to enjoy
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Sounds to me like she's been sweeping around!

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 30th, 2017, 8:29 pm

IRISH BLONDE:
An attractive blonde from Cork , Ireland , arrived at the casino. She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." with that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed... "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know ... I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb ... but all men ... are men!

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 30th, 2017, 8:30 pm

Global Facts About Sex - At any given moment:



*** 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.

*** 58,000,000 are kissing.

*** 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.

*** 1 older person is reading the LMA forum.



You hang in there, sunshine!!!

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 30th, 2017, 8:44 pm

Like they say, "Old age and cunning will overcome youth and skill!
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A retired older couple return to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful blonde in a very revealing outfit.

The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."

"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model."

The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.

Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man...
"There you go," she said. "I told you I could get him to lower the price.... see you later Dad"...

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 30th, 2017, 8:46 pm

Only a farm kid would see it this way!

When you're from the farm, your perception is a little bit different….

A farmer drove to a neighbor’s farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your dad or mom home?" said the farmer.

"No, they went to town."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No, he went with Mom and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few seconds, shifting from one foot to
the other, mumbling to himself.

The young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to
borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to
your Dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Suzy pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment, then says, "You'll have to talk to my Dad
about that. I know he charges $200 for the bull and $50 for the pig,
but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard."

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » October 30th, 2017, 8:48 pm

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Jack Kennedy
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Jack Kennedy » November 1st, 2017, 3:14 pm

What can I say :) :)

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The only way is up

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 28th, 2017, 4:48 pm

ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET 12659

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old)
What he had to say for himself:
The man replied,
'Well your Honor, it was like this:
When the lady got on the bus,
I couldn't help but notice her condition.
She sat down under a sign that said,
'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said,
' Logan 's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said,
'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself.
But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time
And sat under a sign that said,
'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!'
... I just lost it.'
'CASE DISMISSED!!'

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paul needham
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby paul needham » November 28th, 2017, 4:52 pm

AN IRISH MOTHERS LETTER TO HER SON.





Dear Son,



Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast.

We are all doing very well.

You won't recognize the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.

I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen it since.

Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.

Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.

Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!

Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely.

They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.

I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling.

I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes.

Your father offered to buy it from him.

The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days.

Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times.

We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.

About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets.

John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

Your loving Mum.

P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope

Steve Perry
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Perry » December 1st, 2017, 10:46 pm

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Steve Perry
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Re: Fun stuff goes here.

Postby Steve Perry » December 1st, 2017, 10:48 pm

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