Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Dont miss the last post on PAGE 8



A true story and its source was the Australian Quarantine Inspection Service in Adelaide.


A bloke and his family were on holidays in the United States and went to Mexico for a week. An avid cactus fan, the man bought one-metre high, rare and expensive cactus there. On arrival back home Australian Customs said it must be quarantined for 3 months.

He finally got his cactus home. Planted it in his backyard, and over time it grew to about 2 metres. One evening while watering his garden after a warm spring day, he gave the cactus a light spray. He was amazed to see the plant shiver all over, he gave it another spray and it shivered again.

He was puzzled so he rang the council who put him on to the state gardens people. After a few transfers he got the state's foremost cactus expert who asked him many questions. How tall is it? Has it flowered? Etc.

Finally he asked the most disturbing question. "Is your family in the house?" The bloke answered yes. The cactus expert said get out of the house NOW, get on to the front nature strip and wait for me; I will be there in 20 minutes.

Fifteen minutes later, 2 fire trucks, 2 police cars and an ambulance came screaming around the corner. A fireman got out and asked "Are you the bloke with the cactus?" I am, he said. A guy jumped out of the fire truck wearing what looked like a space suit, a breathing cylinder and mask attached to what looked like a scuba backpack with a large hose attached. He headed for the backyard and turned a flame-thrower on the cactus spraying it up and down.

After a few minutes the flame-thrower man stopped, the cactus stood smoking and spitting, half the fence was burnt and parts of the gardens were well and truly scorched. Just then the cactus expert appeared and laid a calming hand on the bloke's shoulder. "What the hell's going on?" he says. "Let me show you" says the cactus man.. He went over to the cactus and picked away a crusty bit, the cactus was almost entirely hollow and filled with tiger striped bird-eating tarantula spiders, each about the size of two hand spans.

The story was that this type of spider lays eggs in this type of cactus and they hatch and live in it as they grow to full size. When full size they release themselves. The cactus just explodes and about 150 dinner plate sized hairy spiders are flung from it, dispersing everywhere. They had been ready to pop. The aftermath was that the house and the adjoining houses had to be vacated and fumigated: police tape was put up outside the whole area and no one was allowed in for two weeks.

And here's what one of the b*stard looks like sitting on a FULL SIZE dinner plate...

[Tony Collins 1073]

AL QUAEDA GO ON STRIKE.



Muslim suicide bombers in Britain are set to begin a three-day strike on
Monday in a dispute over the number of virgins they are entitled to in
the afterlife. Emergency talks with Al Qaeda have so far failed to
produce an agreement.

The unrest began last Tuesday when Al Qaeda announced that the
number of Virgins a suicide bomber would receive after his death
will be cut next February by 25% from 72 to only 54. The rationale
for the cut was the increase in recent years of the number of suicide
bombings and a subsequent shortage of virgins in the afterlife.

The suicide bombers' union, the British Organization of Occupational
Martyrs (B.O.O.M.) responded with a statement that this was
unacceptable to its members and immediately balloted for strike action.
General Secretary Abdullah Amir told the press, "Our members are
literally working themselves to death in the cause of Jihad. We don't
ask for much in return but to be treated like this is like a kick in the teeth".

Speaking from his shed in Tipton in the West Midlands in which he
currently resides, Al Qaeda chief executive Osama bin Laden explained,
"We sympathize with our workers' concerns but Al Qaeda is simply not
in a position to meet their demands. They are simply not accepting the
realities of modern-day Jihad in a competitive marketplace. Thanks to
Western depravity, there is now a chronic shortage of virgins in the
afterlife. It's a straight choice between reducing expenditure and laying
people off. I don't like cutting wages but I'd hate to have to tell 3000
of my staff that they won't be able to blow themselves up."

Spokesmen for the union in the North East of England, Liverpool ,
Ireland, Wales , New Zealand and the entire Australian continent stated that
the strike would not affect their operations as "There are no virgins in their
areas anyway". While the Scottish Al Qaeda spokesman said they had not
had any volunteers since the emergence of Scottish singing star, Susan
Boyle,

"Now that suicide bombers in Scotland know what a virgin looks like they are
not at all keen on going to paradise." he said.

[Tony Collins 1073]

This is my lot till next Tuesday. I'm off to Winterton to get blown or washed away [Hopefully not though]


The Zipper





As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.
Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.
She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.
So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.
About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.
She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, 'How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'
The Texan smiled and drawled, 'Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.

[Tony Collins 1073]

SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!


You all remember Sheriff Joe Arpaio of Arizona , who painted the jail cells pink and made the inmates wear pink prison garb. Well..........

SJ.jpg (100.88 KiB) Viewed 12829 times

[SHERIFF JOE IS AT IT AGAIN!

Oh, there's more to know about Sheriff Joe!

Maricopa County was spending approx. $18 million dollars a year on stray animals, like cats and dogs. Sheriff Joe offered to take the department over, and the County Supervisors said okay.

The animal shelters are now all staffed and operated by prisoners. They feed and care for the strays. Every animal in his care is taken out and walked twice daily. He now has prisoners who are experts in animal nutrition and behavior. They give great classes for anyone who'd like to adopt an animal. He has literally taken stray dogs off the street, given them to the care of prisoners, and had them placed in dog shows.

The best part? His budget for the entire department is now under $3 million. Teresa and I adopted a Weimaraner from a Maricopa County shelter two years ago. He was neutered, and current on all shots, in great health, and even had a microchip inserted the day we got him Cost us $78.

The prisoners get the benefit of about $0.28 an hour for working, but most would work for free, just to be out of their cells for the day. Most of his budget is for utilities, building maintenance, etc. He pays the prisoners out of the fees collected for adopted animals.

I have long wondered when the rest of the country would take a look at the way he runs the jail system, and copy some of his ideas. He has a huge farm, donated to the county years ago, where inmates can work, and they grow most of their own fresh vegetables and food, doing all the work and harvesting by hand.

He has a pretty good sized hog farm, which provides meat, and fertilizer. It fertilizes the Christmas tree nursery, where prisoners work, and you can buy a living Christmas tree for $6 - $8 for the Holidays, and plant it later. We have six trees in our yard from the Prison.

Yup, he was re-elected last year with 83% of the vote.
Now he's in trouble with the ACLU again. He painted all his buses and vehicles with a mural, that has a special hotline phone number painted on it, where you can call and report suspected illegal aliens. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement wasn't doing enough in his eyes, so he had 40 deputies trained specifically for enforcing immigration laws, started up his hotline, and bought 4 new buses just for hauling folks back to the border. He's kind of a 'Git-R Dun' kind of Sheriff.
TO THOSE OF YOU NOT FAMILIAR WITH JOE ARPAIO

HE IS THE MARICOPA ARIZONA COUNTY SHERIFF

AND HE KEEPS GETTING ELECTED OVER AND OVER
THIS IS ONE OF THE REASONS WHY:

Sheriff Joe Arpaio (In Arizona ) who created the ' Tent City Jail':
He has jail meals down to 40 cents a serving and charges the inmates for them.

He stopped smoking and porno magazines in the jails. Took away their weights, Cut off all but 'G' movies.

He started chain gangs so the inmates could do free work on county and city projects.

Then He Started Chain Gangs For Women So He Wouldn't Get Sued For Discrimination.

He took away cable TV Until he found out there was A Federal Court Order that Required Cable TV For Jails So He Hooked Up The Cable TV Again. Only Let In The Disney Channel And The Weather Channel.

When asked "why the weather channel?" He Replied, So They Will Know How Hot It's Gonna Be While They Are Working ON My Chain Gangs.

He Cut Off Coffee Since It Has Zero Nutritional Value.

When the inmates complained, he told them, 'This Isn't The Ritz/Carlton...... If You Don't Like It, Don't Come Back.'

More On The Arizona Sheriff:

With Temperatures Being Even Hotter Than Usual In Phoenix (116 Degrees Just Set A New Record), the Associated Press Reports:
About 2,000 Inmates Living In A Barbed-Wire-Surrounded Tent Encampment At The Maricopa County Jail Have Been Given Permission To Strip Down To Their Government-Issued Pink Boxer Shorts.

On Wednesday, hundreds of men wearing boxers were either curled up on their bunk beds or chatted in the tents, which reached 138 Degrees Inside The Week Before.

Many Were Also Swathed In Wet, Pink Towels As Sweat Collected On Their Chests And Dripped Down To Their PINK SOCKS

'It Feels Like We Are In A Furnace,' Said James Zanzot, An Inmate Who Has Lived In The TENTS for 1 year. 'It's Inhumane.'

Joe Arpaio, the tough-guy sheriff who created the tent city and long ago started making his prisoners wear pink, and eat bologna sandwiches, is not one bit sympathetic.. He said Wednesday that he told all of the inmates: 'It's 120 Degrees In Iraq And Our Soldiers Are Living In Tents Too, And They Have To Wear Full Battle Gear, But They Didn't Commit Any Crimes, So Shut Your Mouths!'

Way To Go, Sheriff!

Maybe if all prisons were like this one there would be a lot less crime and/or repeat offenders. Criminals should be punished for their crimes - not live in luxury until it's time for their parole, only to go out and commit another crime so they can get back in to live on taxpayers money and enjoy things taxpayers can't afford to have for themselves.

[Tony Collins 1073]

We are back a bit early from Winterton. Not exactly washed away but certainly blown.

Adult Aussie radio Humour. Audio only.

http://www.fwditon.com/attachments/2008 ... ioJoke.wma

[Dave Parry]

Hi Tony, it was nice to meet you at last; as you said blown, the trip back home yesterday was a bit hairy to say the least so much so when I stop to put the caravan away I found the gas locker door at the front had blown off it must be on the M62 somewhere, "gutted" I tried all yesterday to source one with no luck up to now.

So if anyone know someone with a Lunar Clubman 1992 model that is scraping it or anyone know where there is a good caravan scrap yard that might have this model in I would love to hear from you.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Sorry to hear about the van Dave. Maybe there is another lunar with a slightly different model number but the same front locker door. Might help the search a bit. Does the below apply to you yet????









Subject:

Over 50 & heading to old age


For those of you who are there, have a good insider’s laugh…for those of you who are NOT there, see what you have to look forward too. Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.

Perks of reaching 50.... or being over 60 and heading toward 70!

1.
Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM Or AM And ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now won't wear out..

8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM..

9.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room.

13..
You sing along with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.
Your investment In health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe With your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19..
You can't remember who sent you this list.. and you notice these are all In big print

for your convenience.
-------------------------------


ONE MORE THING:



Never, Under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

















[/size]

[Tony Collins 1073]

Didn't think twice about this tiny fellow on my baby boxwood until I got this letter:

snake.gif (67.91 KiB) Viewed 12712 times

GARDEN SNAKES CAN BE DANGEROUS

Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch.. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.


(Breathe here...)

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.

[Dave Parry]

Sorry to hear about the van Dave. Maybe there is another lunar with a slightly different model number but the same front locker door. Might help the search a bit. Does the below apply to you yet????




Thanks Tony, I am looking at all options at the moment, and yes it dose apply to me now






Subject:

Over 50 & heading to old age


For those of you who are there, have a good insider’s laugh…for those of you who are NOT there, see what you have to look forward too. Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you, too.

Perks of reaching 50.... or being over 60 and heading toward 70!

1.
Kidnappers are not very Interested in you.

2.
In a hostage situation, you are likely to be released first.

3.
No one expects you to run -- anywhere.

4.
People call at 9 PM Or AM And ask, 'Did I wake you?'

5.
People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6.
There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

7.
Things you buy now won't wear out..

8.
You can eat supper at 4 PM..

9.
You can live without sex but not your glasses.

11.
You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12.
You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks Into the room.

13..
You sing along with elevator music.

14.
Your eyes won't get much worse.

15.
Your investment In health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16.
Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17.
Your secrets are safe With your friends because they can't remember them either.

18.
Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

19..
You can't remember who sent you this list.. and you notice these are all In big print

for your convenience.
-------------------------------


ONE MORE THING:



Never, Under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill, and a laxative on the same night!

















[/size]

[Tony Collins 1073]

Still on the subject of "Old Farts"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Continued

[Tony Collins 1073]

Continued

[Tony Collins 1073]

URGENT !


Who ever left his wife at my place
after last night's BBQ
is asked to come and get her ASAP..

It is not that she is a problem,
but mine is coming back tonight.
Cheers,

John

[Tony Collins 1073]

Scroll Down

H1.jpg (12.99 KiB) Viewed 12638 times

A woman comes home and tells her husband, "Remember those

Headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."


"No more headaches?" the husband asks, ''What happened?"


His wife replied "Marie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

"I do not Have a headache;
I do not have a headache,

H2.jpg (40.7 KiB) Viewed 12638 times

"It Worked! The headaches are all gone."


The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."


His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of Fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the Hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?"

H3.jpg (17.23 KiB) Viewed 12638 times

The husband agrees to try it.




Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.


He puts her on the bed and says,


"Don't move, I'll be right back."


He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.


His wife says, "Boy, that was wonderful!"


The husband says,


"Don't move! I will be right back.."


He goes back into the bathroom,

Comes back and round two was even better than the first time.


The wife sits up and her head is spinning.


Her husband again says,
"Don't move, I'll be right back."
With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
"She's not my Wife.
She's not my wife.
She's not my wife..."

[Tony Collins 1073]

[Subject: RYE BREAD



Two old guys, one 80 one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench
one morning..

The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even
short of breath.

The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what
he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your
energy level high and you'll have great
stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was
looking around, the lady asked if he needed
any help. He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves ... by the time you get to the 3rd
loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this stuff but
me."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Extreme Engineering!!

China Plans Huge Buses That Can DRIVE OVER Cars

Hats Off for this.

[Tony Collins 1073]

B6.jpg (72.09 KiB) Viewed 12593 times

But this will never ever work in South Africa…………….

[Tony Collins 1073]

My Wedding night


Thought that this was hilarious..


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ztI2iDEfqBY

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Schnauzer

DOG.jpg (46.83 KiB) Viewed 12460 times

My neighbour found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian.

The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears.

He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine.

The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to a pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to her local pharmacy and bought some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."

The lady said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well stay off your bicycle for at least a week."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Are there any ten pin bowling nuts out there?

This will drive you nuts! have fun


http://ak.imgag.com/imgag/product/full/ ... graphic1.s



This is my best score so far. Why not show your score if you can beat it. Dont forget to resize the image so that it is accepted.