Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Donated by Lynne Roberts.

Subject: FW: Wheelie Bin......!!!




A refuse collector in Cairns, Australia, is driving along a

street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into

his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out,

and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look

about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There's no answer.

Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again -

much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!"

says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man

smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me.

Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin

and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having

sex wiffa wife's sista!"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Donated By Lynne Roberts.

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?Paddy's fingers


Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally
cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, ?'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll ?see what oi can do'.

Paddy said,
'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?
?Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2010!
We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
I could ?have put dem back on and made you like new!
Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said,
' How da f**k was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

The gynaecologist.



A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and NHS paperwork and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a garage mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.

When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%.

Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying:

"I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade."


The instructor said,

"During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added,

"I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust pipe, which I've never seen done in my entire career.”

[Tony Collins 1073]

If you can read this without laughing, you must be devoid of laughter cells......
This was originally shown on BBC TV back in the 1970's. Ronnie Barker could say all this without a snigger, though God knows after how many takes.

The irony is, BBC received not one complaint.
The speed of delivery must have been too much for the whining herds. Try getting through it without converting the spoonerisms [and not wetting your pants] as you read.......



This is the story of Rindercella and her sugly isters.


Rindercella and her sugly isters lived in a marge lansion. Rindercella worked very hard frubbing sloors, emptying poss pits, and shivelling shot. At the end of the day, she was knucking fackered. The sugly isters were right bugly astards.. One was called Mary Hinge, and the other was called Betty Swallocks; they were really forrible huckers; they had fetty sweet and fatty swannies.

The sugly isters had tickets to go to the ball, but the cotton runts would not let Rindercella go.



Suddenly there was a bucking fang, and her gairy fodmother appeared. Her name was Shairy Hithole and she was a light rucking fesbian. She turned a pumpkin and six mite wice into a hucking cuge farriage with six dandy ronkeys who had buge hollocks and dig bicks. The gairy fodmother told Rindercella to be back by dimnlight otherwise, there would be a cucking falamity.

At the ball, Rindercella was dancing with the prandsome hince when suddenly the clock struck twelve..=20 "Mist all chucking frighty!!!" said Rindercella, and she ran out tripping barse over ollocks, so dropping her slass glipper.

The very next day, the prandsome hince knocked on Rindercella's door and the sugly isters let him in.. Suddenly, Betty Swallocks lifted her leg and let
off a fig bart. "Who's fust jarted?" asked the prandsome hince.. "Blame that fugly ucker over there!!" said Mary Hinge.

When the stinking brown cloud had lifted, he tried the slass glipper on both the sugly isters without success and their feet stucking funk.
Betty Swallocks was ducking fisgusted and gave the prandsome hince a knack in the kickers. This was not difficult as he had bucking fuge halls and
a hig bard on. He tried the slass glipper on Rindercella and it fitted pucking ferfectly.

Rindercella and the prandsome hince were married. The pransome hince lived his life in lucking fuxury, and Rindercella lived hers with a follen swanny!

[Tony Collins 1073]

That's your lot until next monday as I'm off to the Hastings MFC Fly-in in the morning at the Pevensey club site. Tuesday until Monday - can't be bad,and the weather forecast is good. All are welcome so why not take advantage of possibly our last bit of good weather before winter arrives.

Cheers Tony C.

PS. Dave, I got the OK from the boss for the last one.

[Paul Holt]

Ronnie Barker, comedy genuis and master of the spoken word!

[Tony Collins 1073]

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch,

but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer

to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great.

You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,

waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."




(P.S. - I didn't see it coming, either)

[Tony Collins 1073]

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages.

What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant.

"We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way.

"What about all these plaster purchases?

What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question.

"We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on,

"What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant.

"What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete pr-ck."

[Mark Partington 2989]

You might be a redneck pilot if:

…your stall warning horn plays “Dixie.”
…your cross-country flight plan uses flea markets as check points.
…you think sectionals charts should show trailer parks.
…you’ve ever used moonshine as avgas.
…you have mud flaps on your wheel pants.
…you think GPS stands for going perfectly straight.
…your toothpick keeps poking your mike.
…you constantly confuse Beechcraft with Beechnut.
…you have a black airplane with a big #3 on the side.
…you’ve ever just taxied around the airport drinking beer.
…you use a Purina feed bag for a windsock.
…you’ve ever fueled your airplane from a mason jar.
…you’ve got a gun rack on the passenger window.
…you have more than one roll of duct tape holding your cowling together.
…your preflight includes removing all of the clover, grass, and wheat from your landing gear.
…you figure the weight of the mud and manure on your airplane into the CG calculations.
…you siphon gas from your tractor to put in your airplane.
…you’ve never landed at an actual airport though you’ve been flying for years.
…you’ve ground looped after hitting a cow.
…there are parts of your airplane labeled John Deere.
…there’s exhaust residue on the right side of your aircraft and tobacco stains on the left.
…you have to buzz the strip to chase off the sheep and goats.
…your primary Comm radio has 90 channels.
…you put hay in the baggage compartment so your dogs don’t get cold.
…you’ve got matching bumper stickers on the vertical fin.
…there’s grass stains on your propeller tips.
…the FAA still thinks you live at your parent’s house.
…you navigate with your ADF tuned to exclusively country stations.
…you think that an ultralight is a new sissy beer from Budweiser.
…you wouldn’t be caught dead flyin’ a Grumman “Yankee.”
…there’s a sign on the side of your aircraft advertising your septic tank service.
…you subscribe to The Southern Aviator because of the soft paper!
…you have ever incorporated sheetrock into the repair of your aircraft.
…you have ever tried to impress your girlfriend by buzzing her doublewide.
…the preprinted portion of your weight and balance sheet contains “Case of Bud.”
…your go/no-go checklist includes the words “Skoal” or “Redman.”

[geoff dales]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=007tojIe ... re=related

[Tony Collins 1073]

Subject: A Guy's Fairy Tale....................

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Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess... Will you marry me?



The Princess said 'no'.



And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles

and went fishing and hunting and played golf

and dated women half his age and drank beer and scotch

and had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up

and farted whenever he wanted.




The End





Donated by Lynne Roberts.

[Tony Collins 1073]

The chalk guy is back.!!!!!!!!!!!
Positively astounding !!

This guy continues to amaze people with his sidewalk 3D chalk drawings.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Continued

[Tony Collins 1073]

Continued

[Tony Collins 1073]

Continued.

[Tony Collins 1073]

There I was sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand
to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking
lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my
wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife in bed with the
gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all,
I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
then you show up and drink the whole thing! But enough about me",


"How's your day going?"

[Tony Collins 1073]

It has come to our attention that you may be reporting to duty while under the influence of alcohol. To clear the air, you are required to answer the question below



Which direction is this car going..?

[Tony Collins 1073]

True story
]

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A guy who lives at Round Lake, Sask. Canada, (50 miles South of Yorkton) saw a ball bouncing around kind of strangely in the lake and went to investigate.

It turned out to be a flathead catfish who had obviously tried to swallow a basketball which became stuck in its mouth!!

The fish was totally exhausted from trying to dive, but unable to because the ball would always bring him back up to the surface.

The guy tried numerous times to get the ball out, but was unsuccessful. He finally had his wife cut the ball in order to deflate it and release the starving catfish.


You probably wouldn't have believed this,
if you hadn't seen the following pictures...

[Tony Collins 1073]

continued

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Be kinder than necessary.
'Cause everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle.
Think about it!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Maybe the Best IRISH Joke Ever!

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again. An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked the hole digger, " I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting into your work, but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again? " The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees
called in sick. "