Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Two paddies were working for the city public works department. One would dig a hole

and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side

of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously

all day without rest, one man digging a hole, the other filling it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were

doing. So he asked the hole digger, " I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting

into your work, but I don't get it: why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner

follow behind and fill it up again? "

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, " Well, I suppose it probably looks odd

because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees

called in sick. "

[Tony Collins 1073]

NOAH TODAY

In the year 2008, the Lord came unto Noah,
who was now living in England and said:
"Once again, the earth has become wicked and over
-populated, and I see the end of all flesh before me."
"Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along
with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying:
"You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start
the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights."

Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah
weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
"Noah!," He roared, "I'm about to start the rain!
Where is the Ark?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah, "but things have changed."
I needed a Building Permit."

"I've been arguing with the Boat Inspector
about the need for a sprinkler system."

"My neighbours claim that I've violated the
neighbourhood bye-laws by building the Ark in my
back garden and exceeding the height limitations. We had to
go to the local planning committee for a decision."

"Then the local council and the electricity company demanded
a shed load of money for the future costs of moving power
lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the
passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them
that the sea would be coming to us, but they would
hear nothing of it."

"Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban
on cutting local trees in order to save the greater
spotted barn owl."
"I tried to convince the environmentalists that I
needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!"

"When I started gathering the animals the RSPCA took me
to court. They insisted that I was confining
wild animals against their will. They argued
accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel
and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space."

"Then the Environmental Agency ruled that I couldn't
build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental
impact study on your proposed flood."

"I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the
Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm
supposed to hire for my building crew."

"Immigration are checking the
visa status of most of the people who want to work."

"The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They
insist I have to hire only Union workers with
ark-building experience."

"To make matters worse, the Inland Revenue seized all
my assets, claimingI'm trying to leave the country
illegally with endangered species."

"So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10
years for me to finish this ark."

"Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine,
and a rainbow stretched across the sky."


Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
"You mean you're not going to destroy the world?"





"No," said the Lord.
" The Government beat me to it."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Sorry---Double post and can't delete. How do you delete a post Dave? can't see anything in the editing section.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Don't you just love the Irish !!!



An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

'I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.

When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60lbs!

'Why, that's amazing!' the doctor said, 'Did you follow my instructions? The Irishman nodded...'I'll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t'aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.
'From the hunger, you mean?' asked the doctor.
'No, from the "**kin' skippin'
.

[Tony Collins 1073]

An Aussie truckie walks into an outback cafe with a full-grown emu behind him.

The waitress asks them for their orders.

The truckie says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke,' and turns to the emu, 'What's yours?'
'Sounds great, I'll have the same,' says the emu.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and he reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change and pays.

The next day, the man and the emu come again and he says, 'A hamburger, chips and a coke.'
The emu says, ' Sounds great, I'll have the same.'

Again the truckie reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, it's Friday night, so I'll have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man..
' Same for me,' says the emu.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me mate, how do you manage to always pull the exact change from your pocket every time?'

'Well, love' says the truckie, 'a few years ago, I was cleaning out the back shed, and found an old lamp. When I cleaned it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes.

My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want, for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there.' says the man.
Still curious the waitress asks, 'What's with the bloody emu?'









The truckie pauses, sighs, and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall bird with a big **** and long legs, who agrees with everything I say.

Emu.jpg (165.14 KiB) Viewed 13705 times

[Mark Partington 2989]

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.' The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, 'Sister, have you seen a soldier?'
The nun replied, 'He went that way.'
After the MPs ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said,
'I can't thank you enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Afghanistan .'
The nun said, 'I understand completely.'
The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'
The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of b*lls....I don't want to go to Afghanistan either.'

[Richard Sullivan]

SCHOOL - 1957 vs. 2010



Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1957 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best friends.

2010 - Police called, arrests Johnny and Mark.. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it. Both children go to anger management programs for 3 months. School Governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1957 - Robbie sent to office and given 6 of the best by the Head. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2010 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability payments and School gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a disability.

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.

1957 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.

2010 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. Local authority psychologist tells Billy's sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison.

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1957 - Mark gets glass of water from the Head to take aspirin with.

2010 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug offence. Car searched for drugs and weapons.


Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up an ants nest.

1957 - Ants die.

2010- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with public order offence, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated. Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Scenario :
Johnny falls while running during play time and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary . Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1957 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2010 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Now you are cooking you lot, KEEP IT UP,

[Richard Sullivan]

This sums up self employment perfectly!

Denzil Penwerthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them. On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.


"Tell me about your staff," he asked Penberthy.


"Well," said Penberthy, "there's the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.




There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, receives about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week, and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife."



"That's who I want to talk to," said the inspector, “the half-wit."




"That'll be me then," said Penberthy.

[Dave Parry]

Here you go a Halloween special, if you have a slow broadband of around 2mb or less you could wait up to five minutes for it to work but it's well worth the wait.

lmafun.htm

[Denis Brown]

Dave is that really scouser sat on the front row in a fair-isle jumper Watch the whole ad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRonRGEV ... re=channel

[Dave Parry]

Dave is that really scouser sat on the front row in a fair-isle jumper Watch the whole ad
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VRonRGEV ... re=channel

Hey Den, you could be right, is that really you Phil.

[Richard Sullivan]

Joe wanted to buy a motorcycle. He doesn't have much luck until one day, he comes across a Harley with a For Sale sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition.

He immediately buys it and then asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

"Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "Whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain, rub Vaseline on the chrome. It protects it from the rain.'

And he hands Joe a jar of Vaseline.

That night, his girlfriend invites him over to meet her parents. Naturally, they take the bike there. But, just before they enter the house, she stops him and says, "I have to tell you something about my family before we go in."

"When we eat dinner, we don't talk. In fact, the first person who says anything during dinner has to do the dishes."

"No problem," he says. And in they go.

Joe is shocked. Right smack in the middle of the living room is a huge stack of dirty dishes.

In the kitchen is another huge stack of dishes. Piled up on the stairs, in the corridor, everywhere he looks, dirty dishes.

They sit down to dinner and, sure enough, no one says a word.

As dinner progresses, Joe decides to take advantage of the situation.

So he leans over and kisses his girlfriend.

No one says a word.

So he reaches over and fondles her breasts.

Still, nobody says a word.

So he stands up, grabs her, rips her clothes off, throws her on the table, and has his way with her, right there in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her dad is obviously livid, and her mom horrified when he sits back down. But no one says a word.

He looks at her mom.

"She's got a great body," he thinks. So he grabs the mom, bends her over the dinner table, and has his way with her.

Now his girlfriend is furious, and her dad is boiling, but still, total silence.

All of a sudden, there is a loud clap of thunder, and it starts to rain.

Joe remembers his bike, so he pulls the jar of Vaseline from his pocket.

Suddenly, the father shouts...."I'll do the fuc___g dishes!!!"

[Tony Collins 1073]

It is so unusual to get a funny, non political, non sexist, non racist, and non doomsday joke.

P1.gif (4.86 KiB) Viewed 13347 times

THE POTTY
A LITTLE THREE YEAR OLD BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET. HIS MOTHER THINKS HE HAS BEEN IN THERE TOO LONG, SO SHE GOES IN TO SEE WHAT'S UP. THE LITTLE BOY IS SITTING ON THE TOILET READING A BOOK. BUT ABOUT EVERY 15 SECONDS OR SO, HE PUTS THE BOOK DOWN, GRIPS ONTO THE TOILET SEAT WITH HIS LEFT HAND AND HITS HIMSELF ON TOP OF HIS HEAD WITH HIS RIGHT HAND.
HIS MOTHER SAYS: "BILLY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT? YOU'VE BEEN IN HERE FOR A WHILE."
BILLY SAYS: "I'M FINE, MOMMY. I JUST HAVEN'T GONE POTTY' YET."
MOTHER SAYS: "OK, YOU CAN STAY HERE A FEW MORE MINUTES. BUT, BILLY, WHY ARE YOU HITTING YOURSELF ON THE HEAD?"

!cid_440E2674-0159-4E2A-9696-F2A5F04DCCBE.jpg (20.97 KiB) Viewed 13347 times

BILLY SAYS: "WORKS FOR KETCHUP."

[Mark Partington 2989]

This is a letter sent to Dear Deirdre of the Sun newspaper

I am a sailor in the merchant navy, my parents live in south london.
1 of my sisters, who lives in brixton is married to a guy from liverpool.
My mother and father have recently been arrested for growing and selling marijuana and are currently dependent on my 2 sisters who are prostitutes.
I have 2 brothers, 1 who is currently serving a non-parole life sentence in wormwood scrubs for the rape and murder of a teenage boy in 1994, the other is currently being held in wandsworth on charges of incest on his 3 children.

I have recently become engaged to marry a former thai prostitute who is still a part time ´working girl` in a brothel, however her time there is limited as she has recently been infected with an std. We intend to marry as soon as possible and are currently looking into the possibility of opening our own brothel, with my fiance utilizing her knowledge of the industry working as a manager. I am hoping my 2 sisters would be interested in joining our team, although i would prefer them not to prostitute themselves, it would at least get them off the streets and, hopefully, the heroin.

My problem is this : I love my fiance and look forward to bringing her into the family, and of course i want to be totally honest with her. So should i tell her about my brother-in-law being a scouser?

[Tony Collins 1073]

"Stand By Me " Awesome....


Below is a link to one of the best pieces of sound engineering.

This is a video of street singers from around the world being recorded, overlayed and mixed with one another while singing the song "Stand By Me".
It is a marvel to listen to and watch.


So turn up the speaker volume and click here


http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=2539741

[Bob Thompson1894]

Very nice Tony, and a superb piece of mixing, but I'm afraid its all a bit contrived, done in a studio and mimed for the video! Really nice idea though...

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Flea

Even if you have seen this before I bet you'll still laugh again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9yWUP5nvqXU

[Tony Collins 1073]

A Doctors message.


A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford.
"The material we put into our stomachs should have killed most of us
sitting here, years ago. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft
Drinks such as coke corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded
with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realises
the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But, there
is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and most of us have, or
will eat it.
Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and
suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of silence, a 70-year-old man in the front row
Raised his hand, and softly said,




"Wedding Cake."

[Ron Pearman]

MENSA INVITATIONAL
The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again invited readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are the winners:

1. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period of time.

2. Ignoranus : A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

3. Intaxicaton : Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

4. Reintarnation : Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

5. Bozone ( n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

6. Foreploy : Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

7. Giraffiti : Vandalism spray-painted very, very high

8. Sarchasm : The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

9. Inoculatte : To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

10. Osteopornosis : A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

11 Karmageddon : It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

12. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

13. Glibido : All talk and no action.

14. Dopeler Effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

15. Arachnoleptic Fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

16. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

17. Caterpallor ( n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

The Washington Post has also published the winning submissions to its yearly contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words.

And the winners are:

1. Coffee, n.. The person upon whom one coughs.

2 Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.

3.. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4 esplanade, v. To attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly, adj. Impotent.

6.. Negligent, adj. Absentmindedly answering the door when wearing only a nightgown.

7. Lymph, v. To walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle, n. Olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence, n. Emergency vehicle that picks up someone who has been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash, n. A rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle, n. A humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude, n. The formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.

13. Pokemon, n. A Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster, n. A person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism, n. The belief that, after death, the soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent, n. An opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men