Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

A truly touching story….


SCOTTISH COMPASSION


A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?" The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?" The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been fooked, laddie?"
The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, ya will be when the tide comes in."

[martin collins]

Hmmm, this design has a flaw!.
Watch till the end..........Martin

http://biertijd.com/mediaplayer/?itemid=21816

[Tony Collins 1073]

Unbelievable, probably Vodka driven scenes in Moscow.

http://www.autojunk.nl/2010/07/verkeers ... -in-moskou

[Tony Collins 1073]

THE JOYS OF GROWING OLD

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont.

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont,

[Barrie King]

This guy is good but would it be allowed over here?

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d0WykKgQFLs

This is a video of a stunt pilot whose act at air shows is to pretend that he is a drunken spectator, who rushes from the stands and jumps into a Piper Cub and takes off without any understanding of how to fly a plane.
The Piper Cub is actually specifically built to withstand an enormous amount of stress and has a very powerful engine.

[Dave Collis 2296]

There is a fellow by the name of Kent Piech(sp?) who does a similar routine in an Interstate Cadet in the US and here in Canada. The plane's radio is tied into the airshow p.a. system and is absolutely hilarious. He actually jettisons one aileron and hurls stuff out of the cockpit whilst yelling for help...great fun watching spectators who have no idea it's a stunt.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Church Organist



There was a small church in Manitoba that had a very big-busted organist. Her breasts were so huge that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ. Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.
The very proper church ladies were appalled.
They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So, one of the ladies approached her very discreetly and told her to mash up some green persimmons and rub them on the nipples of her breasts and maybe they would shrink in size, but warned her to not eat any of the green persimmons, though, 'because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up and you won't be able to talk properly for a while'.

She agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister got up in the pulpit and said...



'Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, We will not hath a thermon tewday.'

[Tony Collins 1073]

Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.



Proposed cuts to the National Health Service.

The British Medical Association has weighed in on the new Prime Minister David Cameron's health care proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

The Obstetricians felt they were all labouring under a misconception.

Ophthalmologists considered the idea short-sighted.

Pathologists yelled, "Over my dead body!" while the Paediatricians said, "Oh, Grow up!"

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Surgeons were fed up with the cuts and decided to wash their hands of the whole thing.

The ENT specialists didn't swallow it, and just wouldn’t hear of it.

The Pharmacologists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow, and the Plastic Surgeons said, "This puts a whole new face on the matter...."

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the Urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

The Anaesthetists thought the whole idea was a gas, but the Cardiologists didn't have the heart to say no.

In the end, the Proctologists won out, leaving the entire decision up to the arseholes in London .

[Mark Partington 2989]

How it really works

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken wall at 10 Downing Street ; one from London , another from Bristol and the third, Liverpool ..

They go with a government official to examine the wall.

The London contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil.

'Well', he says, 'I figure the job will run about £900: £400 for materials, £400 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Bristol contractor also does some measuring and figuring, and then says, 'I can do this job for £700: £300 for materials, £300 for my crew and £100 profit for me.'

The Liverpool contractor doesn't measure or figure but leans over to the Government official and whispers, "£2,700."

The official, incredulous, says, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'

The Liverpool contractor whispers back, '£1000 for me, £1000 for you, and we hire the guy from Bristol to fix the wall.'

'Done!' replies the government official.

And that friends, ...... is how it all works.

[Tony Collins 1073]

England my England


Goodbye to my England, So long my old friend
Your days are numbered, being brought to an end
To be Scottish, Irish or Welsh that's fine
But don't say you're English, that's way out of line.

The French and the Germans may call themselves such
So may Norwegians, the Swedes and the Dutch
You can say you are Russian or maybe a Dane
But don't say you're English ever again.

At Broadcasting House the word is taboo
In Brussels it's scrapped, in Parliament too
Even schools are affected. Staff do as they're told
They must not teach children about England of old.

Writers like Shakespeare, Milton and Shaw
The pupils don't learn about them anymore
How about Agincourt, Hastings , Arnhem or Mons ?
When England lost hosts of her very brave sons.

We are not Europeans, how can we be?
Europe is miles away, over the sea
We're the English from England, let's all be proud
Stand up and be counted - Shout it out loud!


Let's tell our Government and Brussels too
We're proud of our heritage and the Red, White and Blue
Fly the flag of Saint George or the Union Jack
Let the world know

WE WANT OUR ENGLAND BACK !!!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

We've all talked to this guy...At last....a picture of him.

India.jpg (148.73 KiB) Viewed 12199 times

Mujibar was trying to get a job in India .

The Personnel Manager said,
'Mujibar, you have passed all the tests, except one.
Unless you pass it, you cannot qualify for this job.'

Mujibar said, 'I am ready.'
The manager said,
'Make a sentence using the words
Yellow, Pink, and Green .'

Mujibar said,
'The telephone goes green, green,
And I pink it up, and say,
Yellow, this is Mujibar.'

Mujibar now works at a call centre.

No doubt you have spoken to him.
I know I have.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Mick McCabe, an elderly Irish farmer, received a letter from the Department
for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his
employees the statutory minimum wage and they would send an inspector to interview them.

On the appointed day, the inspector turned up. "Tell me about your staff," he asked Mick.

"Well," said Mick, "There's the farm hand, I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage.

Then there's the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and lodging.

There's also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work,
earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of whisky, and as a special
treat occasionally gets to sleep with my wife."


"That's disgraceful" said the inspector, "I need to interview the half-wit."





"That'll be me then," said Mick.

[Mike altham]

These are the new state of the art aircraft that the MOD hope to have in service in 2015.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Subject: Boys Chores


A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.

"Not yet," said the little boy.

His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores.

Well, he's a little brassed off, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He goes to feed the cows, and he kicks a cow. He goes to feed the pigs, and he kicks a pig. He goes back in for breakfast and his mother gives him a bowl of dry cereal.

"How come I don't get any eggs and bacon? Why don't I have any milk in my cereal?" he asks.

"Well," his mother says, "I saw you kick a chicken, so you don't get any eggs for a week. I saw you kick the pig, so you don't get any bacon for a week either. I saw you kick the cow so for a week you aren't getting any milk."

Just then, his father comes down for breakfast and kicks the cat halfway across the kitchen.

The little boy looks up at his mother with a smile, and says, "You gonna tell him or should I?"

[Andy Boylett]

Can you do an on-line prop change?

[Tony Collins 1073]

No explanation required

[Tony Collins 1073]

Hypnotism at the Senior Citizens Centre



It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens Centre.
Claude the hypnotist exclaimed: ' I'm here to put you all into a trance
I intend to hypnotize each and every member of the audience... '
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a
beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.
The polished metal gleamed in the light.
Claude the hypnotist said:
'I want you each to keep your eyes on this antique watch.
It ' s a very special watch. It's been in my family for six generations. '
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting,
' Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch. .. ..
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light shimmering off its polished surface.
Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until,
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor,
shattering into a hundred pieces..
'S**T! ' said the Hypnotist.
It took 3 days to clean up the Senior Citizens Centre.

[Tony Collins 1073]

The other day, a gentleman went to the Dentist's office to have a tooth pulled.


The Dentist pulls out a freezing needle to give him a shot.


"No way" ! No needles ! "I hate needles" !, the man said.



The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man immediately objected.

"I can't do the gas thing either; the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating me" !

The Dentist then asks the gentleman if he has any objection to taking a pill.

"No objection", the man said. "I'm fine with pills".

The Dentist then returns and says, "Here's a Viagra tablet".

The gentleman, totally at a loss for words, said in amazement,


"WOW" !


"I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer" !

"It doesn't", said the Dentist, "but it will give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth..."