Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Just beautiful

Subject: Kites (like birds) - Romancing The Wind...






The guy flying the 3 kites is in his 80s, and he's from Canada . He comes to the
Washington State International Kite Festival every year. His skin is like leather as
he normally flies with his shirt off. He is deaf, so when he flies we hold our hands
up & wave them for applause. He flies 2 with his hands & the 3rd one is attached
to his waist. Enjoy!

You must watch to the end to see the amazing landing of that last kite! I would
have those kits so tangled up, you could never get them separated again! And
of course, make sure the volume is turned up because the music is wonderful
and totally reflects the soaring of the kites.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=nr9KrqN_lIg

[Tony Collins 1073]

Some horsing around…


Still having a bit of trouble after eating one of the Tesco's burgers
containing horsemeat. My condition is now stable, I have had the trots
but after overcoming a few hurdles, I'm odds on to make a full
recovery although the doctor said it was a bit like closing the stable
door after the horse has bolted!

If You've been put off Tesco's burgers, try their meat
balls!.....They're the dogs bollocks!

To eat or not to eat a Tesco burger?..........That is Equestrian

If you think Tesco's Horse burgers are bad, you should try their
quarter pandas..

Tesco are giving treble points on your clubcard for all burgers and
petrol, starting Monday..The deal is call Only Fuel and Horses.

In response to the revelation about horse meat in Tesco burgers, they
have released a statement stating that they also cater for
vegetarians..….they said " We are also putting UniQuorn in the veggie burgers"

Went to the freezer to check my Tesco burgers and....THEY'RE OFF...

It turns out that the horses were molested before they were turned
into burgers...The police are asking anyone who knew Jimmy Saddle to
come forward.

Never eating another one of those Tesco burgers. Bloody things gave me
the trots...Hopefully it won't last furlong!

Those Tesco horse burgers were nice, but I prefer My Lidl Pony.

I bought a burger at Tesco's cafe, the waitress said "would you like
anything on it?" I replied " a fiver each way ".

I've had it tough lately working on the meat counter at
Tesco's......it feels like I'm flogging a dead horse!

Tesco say they're out of stock on Burgers but they've got a fresh
delivery coming in at 10 to 1.

HMV Vouchers now being accepted at Tesco. Just tell them HMV stands
for Horse Meat Voucher.

Had a burger last night, still got a bit between my teeth

[Tony Collins 1073]

Cartoons.

[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Tony Collins 1073]

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[Lynne Roberts]

wet tshirt.jpg (52.31 KiB) Viewed 14867 times

WINNER OF THE WET T-SHIRT COMPETITION

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Great Flydini

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=s9xKU8eYCFk

[Scott Douglas]

[Steve Mansell]

A few (non-PC) laughs

Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite - All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."

My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.

Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche...

Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots....Your One Year Manufacturer's Warranty Runs Out Soon.

In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'
Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'
He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 'What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 'Your sense of humour!

An elderly couple are attending Mass. About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, 'I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?'
He replies, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'

Steve

[Alan Cantwell 1131]

When the EU referedum EVENTUALLY gets our way, in case you are wondering which to vote, look at this Jonsey has sent me


How many words does it take?

Pythagorean Theorum......................................24 words.
Lords Prayer......................................................66 words.
Archimede's Priciple.........................................67 words.
Ten Commandments.......................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address.........................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence................1,300 words.
US Constitution with 27 Amendments........7,818 words.
EU Regulation on the sale of cabages......26,911 words.

[David Whiteley]

When the EU referedum EVENTUALLY gets our way, in case you are wondering which to vote, look at this Jonsey has sent me
How many words does it take?

Pythagorean Theorum......................................24 words.
Lords Prayer......................................................66 words.
Archimede's Priciple.........................................67 words.
Ten Commandments.......................................179 words.
Gettysburg Address.........................................286 words.
US Declaration of Independence................1,300 words.
US Constitution with 27 Amendments........7,818 words.
EU Regulation on the sale of cabages......26,911 words.

Advice to [Tory|Labour|Liberal|Monster Raving|Ukip|Nationalist|Respect|A full list is available on the website]* canvassers knocking on my door.

................. 2 words

* Delete as appropriate.

[Denis Brown]

Brussel Sprouts

[Tony Collins 1073]

My wife said "Fix that gutter downspout TODAY!"
So I invited the boys over.
One brought his welding machine, one brought a pipe cutter
the others brought beer.

Took us about 4 hours, mostly for the beer,
but we got the downspout fixed.

Wife is still speechless...
I am certain not for much longer though.

[Tony Collins 1073]

One for the Ladies.





The 'Middle Wife' by an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher )


I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. 'This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.'

'First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord.'

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

'Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts going, 'Oh, Oh, Oh, Oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. 'She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!' (Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.)

'My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this.' (Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.)

'And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!' (This kid has her legs spread with her little hands miming water flowing away. It was too much!)

'Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.
They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff that they all said it was from Mom's play-center, so there must be a lot of toys inside there. When he got out, the middle wife spanked him for crawling up in there in the first place.'

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, when it's Show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another 'Middle Wife' comes along.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Pakistani Piledriver the recent, horrible and tragic building collapses in South Asia have already resulted in the adoption of new building construction standards and practices ... in a regulatory effort to ensure this type of disaster never again occurs.


Only a month after more than 1,100 Bangladeshi garment workers lost their lives in the collapse of a badly-built and poorly-maintained eight-storey building, the new building code has - thankfully - gone into force ... and its rigid practices are already being applied by highly-skilled and properly-trained construction teams labouring on job-sites all across the sub-continent ......
For you construction Gurus


http://www.youtube-nocookie.com/embed/cFb0nLCKypg?rel=0

[Tony Collins 1073]

You think you have lived to be 90 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

p1.jpg (79.01 KiB) Viewed 11933 times

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked,




Are you a real pilot?




He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[Steve Mansell]

Cracking picture!

[paul needham]

Heres one from sproutland....



A small boy has a school homework question to answer, so
He asks his father "Dad, what's the difference between
'theoretically' and 'realistically'?"

His dad thinks and then says "Right-ho son, go and ask your
Mother if she'd sleep with David Beckham for a million quid."

The boy toddles off and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she
Said she would! She would sleep with David Beckham for a
Million pounds."

"OK son," says his dad. "Now go and ask your sister the same
Question."

The boy toddles off, and comes back saying "Dad, dad, she said
She would too!"

So then his dad says "Right, son, now go and ask your brother if
He'd sleep with David Beckham for a million pounds."

The son comes back excitedly saying "Dad! Dad! He said he would too!"

"Well there you have it, son," said his dad. Theoretically we could
be sitting on three million quid.

Realistically we're living with two tarts and a poof."