Fun stuff goes here.

[Bob Thompson1894]

Barrack Obama is visiting a Glasgow hospital.

He enters a ward full of with no obvious sign of injury or illness,

He greets one.

The patient replies:

Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm.

Obama is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient.

The next patient responds:

Some hae meat an canna eat,
And some wad eat that want it,
But we hae meat an we can eat,
So let the Lord be thankit.

Even more confused, and his grin now rictus-like, the President moves on to the next patient, who immediately begins to chant:

Wee sleekit, cowerin, timorous beasty,
O the panic in thy breasty,
Thou needna start awa sae hastie,
Wi bickering brattle



Now seriously troubled, Obama turns to the accompanying doctor and asks, 'Is this a psychiatric ward?'

'No,' replies the doctor, 'this is the serious Burns unit.'

[Lynne Roberts]

0 to 150 in under 4 Seconds

"You never surprise me" a woman moaned one day to her long suffering husband.
"Buy me a surprise for my birthday. Something that can accelerate from 0 to 150 in under 4 seconds, ..... and I'd prefer a blue one!", she hinted.

Happy and excited she was counting down the days for her birthday.

And finally she got the beautiful present her husband had thoughtfully chosen for her ....

He's dead now ... but he died a legend.
!
!

!
!

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[paul needham]

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
husband stalking around with a fly swatter

'What are you doing?'
She asked.

'Hunting Flies'
He responded.

'Oh. ! Killing any?'
She asked.

'Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,' he replied.


Intrigued, she asked.
'How can you tell them apart?'

He responded,
"3 were on a beer can,
2 were on the phone."

[paul needham]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome .. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking BA," was the reply.. "We got a great rate!"

"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."

"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him.. He'll look the size of an ant.

Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo.. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome

"It was wonder ful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.

And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a £5 million remodelling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.

Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"

"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
said the hairdresser.

He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

[paul needham]

Something for seniors to do to keep those "aging" grey cells active!

1. Johnny's mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.
.....What was the third child's name?

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall and he wears size 13 sneakers
......What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered,
...what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole
.....that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English language
.....is always spelled incorrectly?

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.
......How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.
.....Why not?

8. What was the President's name
...in 1975?

9. If you were running a race,
.....and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

10. Which is correct to say,
... "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field,
......how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?


Here are the Answers

1. Johnny 's mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child 's name?
Answer: Johnny of course

2. There is a clerk at the butcher shop, he is five feet ten inches tall, and he wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?
Answer: Meat.

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?
Answer: Mt. Everest; it just wasn't discovered yet. [You're not very good at this are you?]

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?
Answer: There is no dirt in a hole.

5. What word in the English language is always spelled incorrectly?
Answer: Incorrectly

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer. How is this possible?
Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?
Answer: You can 't take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera to take pictures.

8. What was the President 's name in 1975?
Answer: Same as is it now - Barack Obama [Oh, come on ... ]

9. If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?
Answer: You would be in 2nd. Well, you passed the person in second place, not first.

10. Which is correct to say, "The yolk of the egg are white" or "The yolk of the egg is white"?
Answer: Neither, the yolk of the egg is yellow [Duh!]

11. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?
Answer: One. If he combines all of his haystacks, they all become one big one.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Impossibilities in the world

1) You can't count your hair.

2) You can't wash your eyes with soap.

3) You can't breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth, you silly person.

Ten (10) Things I know about you.

1) You are reading this.

2) You are human.

3) You can't say the letter ''P'' without separating your lips.

4) You just attempted to do it.

6) You are laughing at yourself.

7) You have a smile on your face and you skipped No. 5.

8) You just checked to see if there is a No. 5.

9) You laugh at this because you are a fun loving person & everyone does it too.

10) You are probably going to send this to see who else falls for it.


You have received this e-mail because I didn't want to be alone in the idiot category.

[paul needham]

The Mexican Maid.!


A Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about it.
She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"



Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."



"The first eez that I can iron better than you."



Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban, he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"



Maria: "The second reason eez that I am better cook than you."



Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"



Maria: "Jor hozban, he say so."

Wife, becoming increasingly pissed off: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "And the third reason eez that I am better than you in the bed."



Wife, really boiling now, and through gritted teeth said:

"And did my dearly beloved husband say that to you as well?"



Maria: "Oh no Señora! no jor hozban ....

The Chauffeur and the Gardner .... they say!"



Wife: "OK, so how much do you want?"

[paul needham]

Here's irrefutable proof that the right woman can bring Balance and Stability to a man's life.

[Bob Thompson1894]

South African Toilet Door Lock

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[paul needham]

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.


2. An old friend who once saved your life.


3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.


This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.. You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first.. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.


YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'

Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.

Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'


Unfortunately, I didn't get the job, I said I would run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.



God, I just love happy endings!

[paul needham]

TWO OLD MEN DECIDE THEY ARE CLOSE TO THEIR LAST DAYS AND DECIDE TO HAVE A LAST NIGHT ON THE TOWN. AFTER A FEW DRINKS, THEY END UP AT THE LOCAL BROTHEL

THE MADAM TAKES ONE LOOK AT THE TWO OLD GEEZERS AND WHISPERS TO HER MANAGER, 'GO UP TO THE FIRST TWO BEDROOMS AND PUT AN INFLATED DOLL IN EACH BED. THESE TWO ARE SO OLD AND DRUNK, I'M NOT WASTING TWO OF MY GIRLS ON THEM. THEY WON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE.' THE MANAGER DOES AS HE IS TOLD AND THE TWO OLD MEN GO UPSTAIRS AND TAKE CARE OF THEIR BUSINESS.

AS THEY ARE WALKING HOME THE FIRST MAN SAYS, 'YOU KNOW, I THINK MY GIRL WAS DEAD!'

'DEAD?' SAYS HIS FRIEND, 'WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, SHE NEVER MOVED OR MADE A SOUND ALL THE TIME I WAS LOVING HER.'

HIS FRIEND SAYS, 'COULD BE WORSE I THINK MINE WAS A WITCH.'

'A WITCH ??. . WHY IN THE WORLD WOULD YOU SAY THAT?'

'WELL, I WAS MAKING LOVE TO HER, KISSING HER ON THE NECK, AND I GAVE HER A LITTLE BITE, THEN SHE FARTED AND FLEW OUT THE WINDOW..... TOOK MY TEETH WITH HER!"

[paul needham]

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the M25. Nothing was moving.

Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, "What's going on?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped all of our MP’s during a sitting of Parliament, and they're asking for a £100 million ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in petrol and set them on fire. We are going from car to car collecting donations."

"How much is everyone giving, on average?" the driver asks.

The man replies, "Roughly a gallon."

[paul needham]

Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma ,

Arizona . They turn a corner and see a sign that says,

"Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other

And then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true.



The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the

Room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll it

be, gentlemen?"



There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a

Martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced

Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10

Cents each, please."



The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at

Each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the

40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round.

Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the

Bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay

The 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them.

They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a

Dollar yet.



Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve

Martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"



"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says,

"and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the

Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this

Place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's

All the same."



"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.



As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help

Noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't

Have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered

Anything the whole time they've been there.



Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men

Asks the bartender, "What's with them?"


The bartender says, "They're retired people from Australia ,



They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."

[paul needham]

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated. All the waitresses are gorgeous
A particularly voluptuous waitress wearing a very short skirt and legs came to his table and asked if he was ready to order,

"What would you like, sir?"

He looks at the menu and then scans her beautiful frame top to bottom, then answers, "A quickie."

The waitress turns and walks away in disgust.

After she regains her composure she returns and asks again,"What would you like, sir?"

Again the man thoroughly checks her out and again answers, "a quickie, please."

This time her anger takes over, she reaches over and slaps him across the face with a resounding "SMACK!" and storms away.

A man sitting at the next table leans over...

.....and whispers,
"Um, I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

[paul needham]

US navy – all at sea!



This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call!

[paul needham]

FROM ROLLS-ROYCE STAFF MAGAZINE ******



Sometimes it DOES take a Rocket Scientist!! (true story)..


Scientists at Rolls Royce built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens

at the windshields of airliners and military jets all travelling at maximum velocity.


The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl

to test the strength of the windshields.

American engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it

on the Windshields of their new high speed trains.


Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the American engineers.



When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken shot out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens,

blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer's back-rest in two

and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin like an arrow shot from a bow..

The horrified Yanks sent Rolls Royce the disastrous results of the experiment,

along with the designs of the windshield and begged the British scientists for suggestions.


You're going to love this......



Rolls Royce responded with a one-line memo:





"Defrost the chicken."

[paul needham]

Today I was beaten up by a woman...I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in.
I was staring at her boobs, when she said, would you please press 1..?

So I did. I don't remember much afterwards....Recovery time 4 - 6 week.

[paul needham]

The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk,

then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply, so they brought a cow over from Scotland.

It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.

Then they bought a bull to mate with the cow, to get more cows, so they would never have to worry about their milk supply again.

They put the bull in the paddock with the cow, but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, she would move away. No matter what approach the bull made, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to talk to a Vet.


Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the side, she walks away to the other side.


The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully. After pondering for a while, he asked, "Did you by chance, purchase this cow from Scotland ?"


The people were dumbfounded, since they had made no mention of the fact that they had bought the cow in Scotland .

"You are truly a very intelligent Vet", they said, "How did you know the cow came from Scotland ?"

The Vet replied, with a very distant look in his eye.................







"My wife's from Scotland !!!!!!!"

[paul needham]

these are entries to a Washington Post competition asking for a two-line rhyme with the most romantic first line, and the least romantic second line:


My darling, my lover, my beautiful wife,
Marrying you has screwed up my life.

I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming.

Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not.

Love may be beautiful, love may be bliss,
But I only slept with you 'cause I was pissed.

I thought that I could love no other
-- that is until I met your brother...

Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead,
the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.

I want to feel your sweet embrace;
But don't take that paper bag off your face.

I love your smile, your face, and your eyes
Damn, I'm good at telling lies!

My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way?

My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe 'Go to hell.'

What inspired this amorous rhyme?
Two parts vodka, one part lime.


WHO SAID POETRY IS BORING?

[paul needham]

The nail

Carol, a blonde city girl, marries a Cornish dairy farmer.
One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Carol, 'The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?'

So then the farmer leaves for the fields.

After a while, the insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door.

Carol takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, 'This is the one...right here.'

Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blond e, the man asks,

'Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?'

'That's simple; by the nail over its stall', Carol explains very confidently.

Then the man asks, 'What's the nail for?'

She turns and starts to walk away and with complete confidence, says over her shoulder, ......

'I assume it's to hang your trousers on.'

[paul needham]

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.

Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them: "I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four. One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile. "Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law. So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily, "I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."