Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT A BUCKET SEAT IS .......................

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Don't miss two more postings on page fifteen.

[Tony Collins 1073]

SOME MUNDANE INFO.




If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee
(Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb Censor has been at it again
(Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.
(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall looses 150 calories an hour
(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.(Hmmmmmm..)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.
(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.(Still want 2 b the pig)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)*nerd*

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.(I know some people like that)

Starfish have no brains(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

------------------

[Tony Collins 1073]

REDNECK FARM KID

in the Marine Corps



Dear Ma and Pa,


I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before all of the places are filled.


I was restless at first because you get to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m. But I am getting so I like to sleep late. Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot, and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay.
Practically nothing.


Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water. Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food, plus yours, holds you until noon when you get fed again. It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much.


We go on 'route marches,' which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A 'route march' is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks.


The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Captain is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.


This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why.. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. Al l you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it. You don't even load your own cartridges They come in boxes.


Then we have what they call hand-to-hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in Silver Lake .. I only beat him once... He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6' and 130 pounds and he's 6'8' and near 300 pounds dry.


Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.







Your loving daughter ,


Alice

[Tony Collins 1073]

Murphy's' old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come.

He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.

She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said,

'Hey, Murph! You just had you a son!

'Ain't dat grand!' Murphy got excited by this, but just then the doctor

spoke up and said, 'Hold on! We ain't finished yet!'

The doctor then delivered a little girl.

He said, 'Hey, Murph! You got you a daughter! She is a pretty lil ting, too....'

Murphy got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, 'Hold on,

we aint got done yet!'

The doctor then delivered another boy and said, Murph, you just had

yourself another boy, !'

Murphy said to the doctor, 'Doc, what caused all of dem babies?'

The doctor said, 'You never know Murph, it was probably something that

happened during conception.'

Murphy said, 'Ah yeah, during conception.'

When Murph and his wife went home with their three children, he sat

down with his wife and said,

'Mama, you remember dat night that we ran out of Vaseline and we had to
use dat dere 3-in-1 Oil.'

She said, 'Yeah, I remember dat night...'





Murph said, ' Begorra, I'll tell you, tis a good ting we didn't use WD-40.





~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[Tony Collins 1073]

WHAT CAUSES ARTHRITIS?

A drunken man, smelling of liquor, sat down on a subway next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his coatpocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes the man turned to the priest sitting next to him and asked, 'Say Father, do you know what causes arthritis?'
The priest replies,'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'
The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll bedamned !' then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'
The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Tony Collins 1073]

Anger Management

[Tony Collins 1073]

HELL EXPLAINED BY A CHEMISTRY STUDENT




The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so 'profound' that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:



Bonus Question:
Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?


Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.

One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls areentering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.

Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:

1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, 'It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,' and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over! The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct......leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting 'Oh my God.'




THIS STUDENT
RECEIVED AN A+.

[Tony Collins 1073]

I Want This Dog!!!!!!!!!!


http://www.youtube.com:80/watch_popup?v=P9Fyey4D5hg

[Tony Collins 1073]

Don't you just love wise old ladies~~







THEY ARE FINALLY TOGETHER ...




Judy got married and had 13 children.
Her first husband,Ted, died of cancer.

She married again, and she and Bob had 7 more children.
Bob was killed in a car accident, 12 years later.

Judy again remarried, and this time, she and John had 5 more children.


Judy finally died, after having 25 children.


Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.

He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they are finally together."

Ethel leaned over and quietly asked her best friend Margaret,

Wise Ladies.jpg (29.86 KiB) Viewed 12232 times

" Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?"

Margaret replied,


"I think he means her legs, Ethel"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Jasmine The Greyhound.

http://www.snopes.com:80/photos/animals/jasmine.asp

[Tony Collins 1073]

THE GREEN THING.

In the line at the store, the cashier told the older woman that she should bring her own grocery bag because plastic bags weren't good for the environment.
The woman apologized to him and explained, "We didn't have the green thing back in my day."
The clerk responded, "That's our problem today. The former generation did not care enough to save our environment."
He was right, that generation didn't have the green thing in its day.
Back then, they returned their milk bottles, soda bottles and beer bottles to the store. The store sent them back to the plant to be washed and sterilized and refilled, so it could use the same bottles over and over. So they really were recycled.
In her day, they walked up stairs, because they didn't have an escalator in every store and office building.
They walked to the grocery store and didn't climb into a 300-horsepower machine every time they had to go two blocks.
But she was right. They didn't have the green thing in her day.
Back then, they washed the baby's diapers because they didn't have the throw-away kind.
They dried clothes on a line, not in an energy gobbling machine burning up 220 volts - wind and solar power really did dry the clothes.
Kids got hand-me-down clothes from their brothers or sisters, not always brand-new clothing.
But that old lady is right; they didn't have the green thing back in her day.
Back then, they had one TV, or radio, in the house - not a TV in every room. And the TV had a small screen the size of a handkerchief, not a screen the size of the state of Western Australia.
In the kitchen, they blended and stirred by hand because they didn't have electric machines to do everything for you.
When they packaged a fragile item to send in the mail, they used a wadded up old newspaper to cushion it, not styrofoam or plastic bubble wrap.
Back then, they didn't fire up an engine and burn gasoline just to cut the lawn. They used a push mower that ran on human power.
They exercised by working so they didn't need to go to a health club to run on treadmills operated on electricity.
But she's right; they didn't have the green thing back then.
They drank from a fountain when they were thirsty instead of using a cup or a plastic bottle every time they had a drink of water.
They refilled their writing pens with ink instead of buying a new pen, and they replaced the razor blades in a razor instead of throwing away the whole razor just because the blade got dull.
But they didn't have the green thing back then.
Back then, people took the streetcar or a bus and kids rode their bikes to school or rode the school bus instead of turning their mums into a 24-hour taxi service.
They had one electrical outlet in a room, not an entire bank of sockets to power a dozen appliances.
They didn't need a computerized gadget to receive a signal beamed from satellites 2,000 miles out inspace in order to find the nearest pizza joint.
But isn't it sad the current generation laments how wasteful the old folks were just because they didn't have the green thing back then?

[Tony Collins 1073]

Australia's Got Talent-Old Fella

HILARIOUS.


http://www.youtube.com:80/watch?v=aUyZV1ZrAwU

[Tony Collins 1073]

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?


Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?'

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate £10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'


Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'




Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'


-------------------------------

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'

--------------------------------------------------------


Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

------------------------------

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But Mum, I was sitting on Daddy's lap.'

______________________________



A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'



------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'
___________________________________

Husbands are husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.
'What was that for?' the man asked.
The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.
The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on.' The wife apologized and went on with the housework.
Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.
Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.
Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned'

[Tony Collins 1073]

COPPER WIRE
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Canadian scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

Not to be outdone by their neighbours, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times:
"American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the Canadians".

One week later, the British authorities reported the following:
"After digging as deep as 30 feet in North Yorkshire, Jack Arkwright, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely 'bu99er' all.
Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Britain had already gone wireless."

Just makes you proud to be British, don't it!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Good old British Postcards! Very old and a bit naughty.

Aye...aye... those were the days .....no PC....no racism... and no health and safety... just good old saucy fun!.......Where have all the postcards gone.....where?

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont.

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thats your lot for three weeks, I'm off to do some flying.

[Ron Pearman]

USAF Museum..Amazing Virtual Tour

QUITE AMAZING VISUALLY!

This might be one of the most advanced sites around.



Click on the MAP in the upper right hand corner to bring down a menu of the different sites within the museum, then click on a dot within that site to view the exhibits. Click on the arrows for different perspectives.





http://www.nmusafvirtualtour.com/full/tour-pkg.html

[Tony Collins 1073]

Waiting in a layby, to catch speeding drivers, a Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH.

Says he to himself: "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over.

Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seats and three in the back...wide eyed and white as ghosts.

The driver, obviously confused, says to him "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit!

What seems to be the problem?"

"Ma'am," the officer replies, "you weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers."

"Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly..Twenty-two miles an hour!" .....the old woman says a bit proudly.

The Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that A22 is the road number, not the speed limit.

A bit embarrassed, the woman grins and thanks the officer for pointing out her error.

"But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask...Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken, and they haven't made a sound this whole time," the officer asks.



"Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We've just come off the A120."

[Tony Collins 1073]

WHY MEN ARE NEVER DEPRESSED:

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Men Are Just Happier People--
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can never be pregnant.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another petrol station toilet because this one is just too dirty.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them..
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet..
One mood all the time.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks and engines.
A five-day holiday requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness..
Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You never have strap problems in public
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.

You can play with toys all your life.
One wallet and one pair of shoes -- one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can 'do' your nails with a pen knife..
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.

You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier.

Send this to the women who can handle it and to the men who will enjoy reading it

[Tony Collins 1073]

Here is a great story without a word being said apart from the
Dialogue at the end.. It may bring a tear to your eye...