Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

FOR SALE :

One Useless Cat

[Tony Collins 1073]

A true story from Mount Isa in Queensland.
Recently a routine Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man (Luke Sandery) leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night). Then flicked the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.

He moved the vehicle forward a few metres, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left. At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road. The Police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a random breathalyser test.

To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of the man's intoxication.

The Police officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police station - this breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[Tony Collins 1073]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a retired golfer in his late sixties, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.
The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good, or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful n@ked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the retired golfer and asks, "Can you top that?"

The old golfer replies, "No problem; just get that lion out of there."

[Tony Collins 1073]

Proud father moment?


Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a party.

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said “My son is my pride and joy. He started working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich, that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.”

The second guy said “Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where he owns the majority of its assets he's so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third man said “Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own Construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his birthday, a 30,000 square foot mansion.”

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth returned from the restroom and asked “What are all the congratulations for?”

One of the three said “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?”

The fourth man replied “My son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said “What a shame... What a disappointment.”

The fourth man replied “No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son, I love him and he hasn't done too bad for himself either. His birthday was two weeks ago and he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.”

[Tony Collins 1073]

RUGBY WORLD CUP TIME

[Tony Collins 1073]

Why Japan? Because they have a "National Penis Day" -- (I kid you not!!!)

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont/

[Tony Collins 1073]

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
and whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone..
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally
cracked and said,' If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'

The word got around and nobody called him that any more.

Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said,
'Good morning, Onestone.' He jumped up, grabbed her and took her
deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until A woman
named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.

Yellow Bird , who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw Onestone.
She hugged him and said, 'Good to see you, Onestone.'

Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest,then he made love
to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day,
made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!




Why ???



OH, come on... take a guess !!!



Think about it !!!



You're going to love this !!!



Everyone knows..












You can't kill Two Birds


with OneStone!!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Turn your sound up for this one


This Walmart dress code is becoming a law of it’s own.


Walmart has finally got a theme song, and it sure is a good one.




http://www.youtube.com/v/6RzcvFLPg1A?ve ... 3e%3cparam

[Tony Collins 1073]

Australian Humour


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers
are the actual responses by the website officials,
who obviously have a great sense of humour
(not to mention a low tolerance threshold for cretins!)



Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia ? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? ( UK ).


A:We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
__________________________________________________


Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? ( USA )


A:Depends how much you've been drinking.

__________________________________________________

Q:I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? ( Sweden)


A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
__________________________________________________


Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay ? ( UK)


A: What did your last slave die of?
__________________________________________________

Q:Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia ? ( USA)

A: A-Fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe.
Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not
... Oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.
__________________________________________________


Q:Which direction is North in Australia ? (USA )

A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.
_________________________________________________

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia ? ( UK )

A:Why? Just use your fingers like we do...
__________________________________________________


Q:Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA )


A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is
Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.
__________________________________________________

Q:Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)


A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers.
Milk is illegal.
__________________________________________________



Q:Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. ( USA)


A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from.
All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)


A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them.
You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.
__________________________________________________

Q:I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia ? ( USA )

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.
__________________________________________________

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? ( USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Power of a Kiss

A gang of burly bearded bikers was riding down the highway on their powerful black Harleys when they saw a girl about to jump off a bridge into the Magnetawan river.
They stopped, and the leader, a particularly big and rough looking man, got off his Bike and went to talk to the girl and asked, "What the hell are you supposed to be doing?"

"I'm going to kill myself," replied the petite girl with a gently lifting
voice and fatal gesture.

The biker thought for a moment, and then finally said, "Well, before you Jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"

She nodded, pulled back her long curly hair and gave him a long,
Passionate kiss on the mouth. After that intense experience, the gang of bikers applauded and when the leader caught his breath, he smoothed his beard and admitted, "That was the best kiss I have ever had in my life. It's a real talent that would be lost if you commit suicide. Why do you want to kill yourself?"

"Because, my parents don't like it that I dress up like a girl."

[Tony Collins 1073]

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a
Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden
leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his
problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a
note:


Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted
handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden
leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is
offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he
writes a letter of complaint.. A week passes and he
receives another parcel and note:




Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a
monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and
with your bald head you will really look the part. The man
is really incandescent with rage now, because the company
has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing
attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong
letter of complaint.. A few days later he gets a very small
parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:




Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald
head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your ****
and go as a toffee apple.

[Tony Collins 1073]

MATURE LADY DRIVER

car.gif (27.14 KiB) Viewed 11358 times

A mature lady gets pulled over for speeding...


Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?


Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.


Older Woman: Oh, I see.


Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?


Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.


Traffic Cop: Don't have one?


Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.


Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.


Older Woman: I can't do that.


Traffic Cop: Why not?


Older Woman: I stole this car.


Traffic Cop:] Stole it?


Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.


Traffic Cop: You what!?


Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see


The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.


Officer 2 Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!
The woman steps out of her vehicle.


Older woman: Is there a problem sir?


Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.


Older woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!


Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.
The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk


Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.
The traffic cop is quite stunned.



Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license. The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.


Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!


Older Woman: Bet the lying **** told you I was speeding, too.


MORAL........



Don't Mess With Mature Ladies

[Tony Collins 1073]

kings.jpg (158.22 KiB) Viewed 11308 times

TEACHER

Little Johnny, can you tell me the name of 3 great kings who have
brought happiness and peace into people's lives?


Little Johnny answered:





Drin-king, smo-king, and bon-king.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Here are a couple of funny Youtube videos that are well worth a watch.

One for dog lovers, and the other for all the old semi mobile farts [like me] who frequent this forum.

http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=xdj67XknFrM#t=5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iDH3kexcq4c

[Tony Collins 1073]

Getting your priorities right.

[Tony Collins 1073]

GLASGOW BIRD

A man buy’s a Budgie, It keeps repeating

“Am a Glesga Budgie I’m as hard as ****”

Budgie1.jpg (81.66 KiB) Viewed 11133 times

After a week the man gets so fed up he buys a Kestrel

Puts it in the cage and said “Let’s see how hard you are now”

Next morning the Kestrels dead, Budgie said

“Am a Glesga Budgie I’m as hard as ****”

Man buys a Buzzard puts it in the cage

Next morning the Buzzards dead and the Budgie said

“Am a Glesga Budgie I’m as hard as ****”

Man buys a Golden Eagle puts it in the cage

Next morning the Eagles dead and the Budgie has no feathers left?

Scroll down

budgie2.jpg (94.3 KiB) Viewed 11133 times

Budgie says “Had to take ma jakit aff fur that ******”

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Power of Vitamin C....No words needed!!!!....

[Tony Collins 1073]

Gaydon transport this weekend.

Hi everyone. I am desperate to find someone to travel to Gaydon with this weekend, either my motor or yours.
I am in Braintree Essex and don't mind going a fair way for the pickup. Phone no: 01376340316

Cheers Tony.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Now all sorted thanks very much to Colin Strauss and John Wright.
Very much appreciated lads.