Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

I WANT THIS DOG



Quite amazing. http://www.youtube.com/watch_popup?v=P9Fyey4D5hg

[Tony Collins 1073]

The wife was counting all the 1p's and 2p's out on the kitchen table when she
suddenly got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason.
I thought to myself, "She's going through the change."


When I was in the pub I heard a couple of plonkers saying that they
wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was a woman.
What a pair of sexist knobs. I mean, it's not as if she'd have to reverse the bloody thing!

Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed six
people in the **** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could be
following some kind of pattern.


A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break and
when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is angry and
reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the bear and says
"Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy bears have their pick
nicked."


Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?" "I'm sending a
voicemail ya tick sod!"


Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being hit on the
head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.


19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so many of you?"
Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."

[Tony Collins 1073]

A TRIP TO ITALY

A young New York woman was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean,

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor,
and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship.
I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."

With nothing to lose, combined with the fact that she had always
wanted to go to Italy , the woman accepted.

That night the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small
but comfortable compartment in the hold.

From then on, every night he would bring her three sandwiches,
a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn.

Three weeks later she was discovered by the captain
during a routine inspection.

"What are you doing here?" asked the captain.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she replied.
"He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy ."

"I see," the captain says.

Her conscience got the best of her and she added,
"Plus, he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry."

[Tony Collins 1073]

The innocence of youth and the power of marketing collide!


He's My Brother -

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Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and preceded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[Ron Pearman]

ACTUAL PASSPORT LETTER-----(...excuse the swearing...)-----HILARIOUS!!! (The moderator might delete this!!)



This letter is a thing of great beauty (even if the language is a bit strong)...

You definitely feel the guy's pain!


Dear Sirs,

I'm in the process of renewing my passport and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977 and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on
all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my Mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be abso-f****g-lutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!

I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my f****g address !!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes working there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for **** sakes. I just want to go and park my **** on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone please tell me, why would you give a **** whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last f*****g people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another f***g copy of my birth certificate, to the tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the f****n' place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some **** to confirm that it's really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not
allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic f****n' morons) Hey, do you know why we couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!

Signed
An Irate Citizen.

P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world. ........ However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN F*******G PAKISTAN !

[Tony Collins 1073]

Villagers On The Loose.

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont

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I've often been asked, 'What do you old folks do now that you're retired? Well..I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, one of the things I enjoy most is turning beer, wine, Scotch , and margaritas into urine.

[Tony Collins 1073]

How much runway do you need for your takeoff?

http://www.wimp.com/runwayaircraft/

[Tony Collins 1073]

One afternoon a Scotsman was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We have to eat grass."

"Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you," the Scotsman said.

"But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

"Bring them along," the Scotsman replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, "You come with us, also."

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

"Bring them all, as well," the Scotsman answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once under way, one of the poor fellows turned to the Scotsman and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The Scotsman replied, "Glad to do it.

"You'll really love my place.







"The grass is almost a foot high"

[Tony Collins 1073]

The other day I needed to go to the local NHS hospital but not wanting to sit there for 4 hours,
I put on my blue jacket and pinned on a plastic ID card that I had made off the Internet onto the front of my jacket .

When I went into the hospital, I noticed that 3/4 of the people got up and left. I guess they decided that they weren't that sick after all. Cut at least 3 hours off my waiting time. Here's the patch. Feel free to use it the next time you're in need of quicker emergency service.

[Tony Collins 1073]

What a Bad Day Looks like!!


Don't miss the last picture . .

[Tony Collins 1073]

Don't miss the last picture . .

[Tony Collins 1073]

DONT MISS THE LAST PICTURE!

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And of course, the worst possible
start to a day . . . ...

[Tony Collins 1073]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to an immigrant claimant outside the Social Security Offices.




'My good man,' the fairy said,
'I've been told to grant you three wishes,
Since you've just arrived in England with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy:
'Well, where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'
The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and -- PING !!!
He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.
The refugee claimant now got bolder.
'I need a big house with a three car garage in Birmingham with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country.
I want to bring them all over here.
PING ! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling swimming pool and a BMW, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One more wish left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be English with English clothes instead of rags, and shawl and I want to have white skin like the English.'

PING ! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from ASDA, a dirty Primark T-shirt and a greasy baseball cap.
He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.
'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed.
'Where is my new house? Where's my Visa Gold Card?'






The fairy said. .
'Tough luck. Now that you are English, you're entitled to

Sweet **** all like the rest of us.



And she disappeared !

[Tony Collins 1073]

The question is, what does a 23 stone woman look like?


Now, before you look at her pictures, get a mental image of what you think a

woman who weighs 23 stone looks like....









Got it?





Ready



Sure? Here goes, brace yourself....

[Tony Collins 1073]

SMALLEST PETROL ENGINE

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SCIENTISTS have built the smallest petrol engine, tiny enough to power a WATCH. The mini-motor, which runs for two years on a single squirt of lighter fuel, is set to revolutionize world technology. It produces 700 times more energy than a conventional battery despite being less than a centimeter long not even half an inch. It could be used to operate laptops and mobile phones for months doing away with the need for recharging. Experts believe it could be phasing out batteries in such items within just six years. The engine, minute enough to be balanced on a fingertip, has been produced by engineers at the University of Birmingham.


Dr Kyle Jiang, lead investigator from the Department of Mechanical Engineering, said: “We are looking at an industrial revolution happening in peoples’ pockets. “The breakthrough is an enormous step forward. “Devices which need re- charging or new batteries are a problem but in six years will be a thing of the past.” Other applications for the engine could include medical and military uses, such as running heart pacemakers or mini reconnaissance robots. At present, charging an ordinary battery to deliver one unit of energy involves putting 2,000 units into it. The little engine, because energy is produced locally, is far more effective. One of the main problems faced by engineers who have tried to produce micro motors in the past has been the levels of heat produced. The engines got so hot they burned themselves out and could not be re-used. The Birmingham team overcame this by using heat-resistant materials such as ceramic and silicon carbide. Professor Graham Davies, head of the university’s engineering school, said: “We’ve brought together all the engineering disciplines, materials, chemical engineering, civil engineering, and mechanical engineering. “What better place to have the second industrial revolution in nano-technology than where the first took place, in the heart of the West Midlands.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So who's going to be the first to put one of these into a model aircraft?

[Tony Collins 1073]

This has earned the Prize for poetry in West Virginia for 2011

[Tony Collins 1073]

Training to be a man

[Tony Collins 1073]

cont