Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Grandpa and the Australian Taxation Office

gp.jpg (37.25 KiB) Viewed 12536 times

The ATO decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to their office.

The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his lawyer.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the ATO finds that believable.'

I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's lawyer as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own lawyer moans and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the lawyer. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!'

Don't Mess with Old People

[Tony Collins 1073]

Nigel Farage

Some of you may already know of this chap. Always very honest - probably too much so for his own good, but always entertaining.

YOUR COMMENTS ARE WELCOME You can.post on this thread too you know.

If you would like too see more of the same you will find it on utube.

http://www.videoman.gr:80/12257

[Paul Holt]

Confucius say,

Forget the past, you cannot change it,

Forget the future, you cannot predict it,

Forget the present, for I have not got you any!!

[Tony Collins 1073]

Make sure you read the five rules listed below the picture of the tombstone.

COWBOY TOMBSTONE

Headstone of Russell J. Larsen in the Logan City Cemetery , Logan , Utah !
I wonder if he died knowing he won the 'Coolest Headstone' contest?
And five rules for a happy life at the bottom.

hide.jpg (162.39 KiB) Viewed 12439 times

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:



1.. It's important to have a woman who helps at home,
Cooks from time to time, cleans up, and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman who can make you
Laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman who you can trust,
And doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman who is good in bed,
And likes to be with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women
Do not know each other



=

[Tony Collins 1073]

Serious drink drive warning - timely pre-Christmas!
I would like to share an experience with you all, about drinking and driving.

As you well know, some of us have been known to have had brushes with the authorities
on our way home from the odd social session over the years.

A couple of nights ago, I was out for a few drinks with some friends at the local pub

and had a few too many beers and some rather nice red wine.
Knowing full well I may have been slightly over the limit, I did something I've never done before ....
I took a bus home.
Sure enough I passed a police roadblock but as it was a bus they waved it past.



I arrived home safely without incident, which was a real surprise,
as I have never driven a bus before.

[Tony Collins 1073]

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital
was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father.

He asked if they were interested, Both said they were very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.

The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent paintransfer.

The husband was still feeling fine.

The doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was
doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50 percent.

The husband continued to feel quite well.

Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.

The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain, and the husband had experienced none.

She and her husband were ecstatic.

When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[Tony Collins 1073]

This is really clever.
Someone out there
is deadly at Scrabble.
(Wait till you see the last one)!


DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM





PRESBYTERIAN:
When you rearrange the letters:
BEST IN PRAYER





ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER





DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT





THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE





GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE





THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS





SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME






ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY








ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT





SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S





A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
I'M A DOT IN PLACE





THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE





ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE






AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:


MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Yep! Someone with waaaaaaaaaaay
too much time on their hands!

!

[Tony Collins 1073]

CHAINSAW HIPPO. [Sound on.]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Vm5pDpa2h4

[Tony Collins 1073]

Frozen crabs and a blonde stewardess.


A lawyer boarded an airplane in New Orleans with a box of frozen crabs and asked a blonde stewardess to take care of them for him.
She took the box and promised to put it in the crew's refrigerator. He advised her that he was holding her personally responsible for them staying frozen, mentioning in a very haughty manner that he was a lawyer, and proceeded to rant at her about what would happen if she let them thaw out.

Needless to say, she was annoyed by his behavior. Shortly before landing in New York , she used the intercom to announce to the entire cabin, "Would the gentleman who gave me the crabs in New Orleans, please raise your hand?"

Not one hand went up ... so she took them home and ate them.

Two lessons here:

1. Lawyers aren't as smart as they think they are.
2. Blondes aren't as dumb as most folks think

[Tony Collins 1073]

Sorry,double post

[Tony Collins 1073]

A man watching a football game on TV kept switching channels to a dirty movie featuring a lusty couple.
"I don't know whether to watch them or the game,"
He said to his wife.

"For heaven's sake, watch them," His wife said.
"You already know how to play football!"

[Tony Collins 1073]

.

[Richard Sullivan]

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770- 1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backwards!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backwards.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backwards.

The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backwards. Just then the graveyard's caretaker ambles up to the group.

Someone in the group asks him if he has an explanation for the music.

"I would have thought it was obvious" the caretaker says.

"He's decomposing."

[Richard Sullivan]

First Joke 2012

Happy New Year


On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in the snow-bound UK, Were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 16 to 20 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through."So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 20 to 24 cm of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so
the snow ploughs can get through. The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio Announcer says, "We are expecting 24 to 28 cm of snow today. You must park....Then the electric power went out.

The good wife was very upset, and with a worried look on her face. She said, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men exhibit when they have been married for a while, the husband replied. "Why don't you just leave the ******* car in the garage this time

[Tony Collins 1073]

1. The wife was counting all the 1 pence and 2 pence pieces out
on the kitchen table when she suddenly got very angry and started
shouting and crying for no reason. I thought to myself "She's going
through the change."



2. When I was in the pub I heard a couple of dickheads saying
that they wouldn't feel safe on an aircraft if they knew the pilot was
a woman. What a pair of sexist twats. I mean, it's not as if she'd
have to reverse the bloody thing!



3. Little Johnny is sitting in geography class when the teacher asks
him, "Where is Pakistan?" He replies, "Outside playing with Paki-Dave".




4. Local Police hunting the 'knitting needle nutter' who has stabbed
six people in the **** in the last 48 hours, believe the attacker could
be following some kind of pattern.




5. Bought some 'rocket salad' yesterday but it went off before I could eat it!



6. A teddy bear is working on a building site. He goes for a tea break
and when he returns he notices his pick has been stolen. The bear is
angry and reports the theft to the foreman. The foreman grins at the
bear and says "Oh, I forgot to tell you, today's the day the teddy
bears have their pick nicked."




7. Murphy says to Paddy "What ya talkin to an envelope for?"
"I'm sending a voicemail ya tick sod!"



8. Just got back from my mate's funeral. He died after being
hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.



9. 19 paddies go to the cinema, the ticket lady asks "Why so
many of you?" Mick replies, "The film said 18 or over."



10. An Asian fellow has moved in next door. He has travelled the
world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears and climbed the highest
mountain. It came as no surprise to learn his name is Bindair Dundat.

]

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you; I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then an MP came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The MP was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen MPs lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN, AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

[Tony Collins 1073]

FOUR IN ONE.

Cart.jpg (91.56 KiB) Viewed 12060 times

According to our sources:

The Royal Navy is proud of its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels , renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be named HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.

Costing £850 million each, they meet the needs of the 21st century and comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws.

The new user-friendly crow's nest comes equipped with wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on duty 24hrs a day and each ship will have its on-board industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women, and balanced in accordance with the latest Home Office directives on race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only have to work a maximum of 37hrs per week in line with Brussels Health & Safety rules, even in wartime! All the vessels will come equipped with a maternity ward and nursery, situated on the same deck as the Gay Disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but cannabis will be allowed in the wardroom and messes. The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the occasional rum ration which is to be replaced by sparkling water. Although sodomy remains, it has now been extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available but only on request. Condoms can be obtained from the Bosun in a variety of flavours, except Capstan Full Strength.

Saluting officers has been abolished because it is deemed elitist and is to be replaced by the more informal, "Hello Sailor". All information on notices boards will be printed in 37 different languages and Braille. Crew members will now no longer be required to ask permission to grow beards or moustaches – this applies equally to women crew members.

The MoD is working on a new "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign is considered to be offensive to minorities. The Union Flag had already been discarded.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious is due to be commissioned soon in a ceremony conducted by Captain Hook from the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol filled bottle over the hull. She will gently slide into the water as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boat loads of illegal immigrants across the channel to ports on England 's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "While these ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking, they are also capable of being up-graded to comply with any new legislation coming out of Brussels ."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."


*****************************************




Jan, Sue, and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving School.
They rediscover each other via Friends Reunited, and arrange to meet for lunch.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress.
She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number.
After the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine.

Then Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University , she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter.
Timothy is a partner in one of London ’s leading law firms.
They live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on Park Lane , where Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in Portugal .

Sue relates that she graduated from Cambridge University , studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in the City. They live in the Surrey stockbroker belt and have a second home in Italy .

Mary explains that she after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Essex and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect ****.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Tesco’s. They live in a small apartment in Bromley and have a caravan parked on the front drive.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people’s home. They live in Peckham and take camping holidays in Kent .

Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.


********************************************


Yesterday I was at my local Tesco store buying a large bag of Winalot
dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman
behind me asked if I had a dog..
What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have
little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was
starting the Winalot Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t,
because I ended up in hospital last time but I'd lost 2 stone before I
woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices
and IV's in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that
it works is to load your pockets with Winalot nuggets and simply eat
one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally
complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to
mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with
my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog
food poisoned me. I told her, "No, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an
Irish Setter's **** and a car hit me."

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was
laughing so hard. I'm now banned from TESCO’s. Better watch what you
ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of
daft things to say.

****************************************************

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Mexican Maid


The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this and decided to talk to her about the raise.

She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."

"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife increasingly agitated:

"Oh he did did he???"


Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.

"And did my husband say that as well?"


Maria: "No Señora......."

"The gardener did."

Wife: "So how much do you want?"

[Tony Collins 1073]

Coming back from another recent EC summit in Rome, various European leaders

were forced to take the train due to a strike by Swiss ATC controllers;

sitting together in the same compartment, travelling through the Swiss Alps,

were Sarkozy, Cameron, Merkel and the young and very attractive female Irish foreign minister.

The train goes into a dark tunnel and a few seconds later there is the sound

of a kiss followed by a loud slap.

When the train emerges from the tunnel, Sarkozy has a bright red, hand print on his cheek.

No one speaks, everyone is extremely shocked and embarrassed.

Angela Merkel thinks:
Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have kissed the Irish girl in the dark, and

she slapped his cheek.

The Irish girl thinks:
Sarkozy, not able to help himself, must have tried to kiss me in the dark,

but missed and kissed Merkel and she slapped his cheek.

Sarkozy thinks:
Why me ? That perfidious Cameron must have groped the Irish girl in

the dark knowing that I'd get the blame for it and she slapped me...the English ****.

and Cameron thinks:
I can't wait for another tunnel, just so I can kiss the back of my hand again

and smack that little French git another time.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Balloons.