Fun stuff goes here.

[Tony Collins 1073]

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nun.gif (4.52 KiB) Viewed 15583 times

The Pastor's Ass



The Pastor entered his donkey in a race and
it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey
that he entered it in the
race
again and it won again.


The local paper read:
PASTOR'S
ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of
publicity that he ordered
the
Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.



The next day the local paper headline
read:
BISHOP
SCRATCHES
PASTOR'S
ASS.
This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Pastor to get
rid
of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a
nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted
the following headline
the
next day:


NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to
get rid of the donkey so
she
sold it to a farmer for $10.
The next day the paper read:

NUN
SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the Bishop so he
ordered the Nun to buy back
the
donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run
wild.

The next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.
The Bishop was buried the next day.



The moral of the story is . . . being
concerned about public opinion
can
bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your
life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and
you'll be a lot happier
and
live longer!

[Tony Collins 1073]

THE FIRST SENIOR MOMENT ON RECORD

Dyn.jpg (27.67 KiB) Viewed 15585 times

And that’s what happened to the dinosaurs…

[Tony Collins 1073]

.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 76).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,

orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:

"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not

choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot.





I was just wondering if YOU might be my kid."

[Lynne Roberts]

WOMEN WHO KNOW THEIR PLACE

Barbara Walters, of 20/20, did a story on gender roles in Kabul, Afghanistan, several years before the Afghan conflict.

She noted that women customarily walked five paces behind their husbands.

She recently returned to Kabul and observed that women still walk behind their husbands. Despite the overthrow of the
oppressive Taliban regime, the women now seem happy to maintain the old custom.

Ms Walters approached one of the Afghani women and asked, 'Why do you now seem happy with an old custom that you
once tried so desperately to change?'

The woman looked Ms Walters straight in the eyes, and without hesitation said, "Land mines."

Moral of the story is (no matter what language you speak or where you go):
BEHIND EVERY MAN, THERE'S A SMART WOMAN![/attachment]

[Tony Collins 1073]

Nice one Lynne. Thanks for the contribution.
Need all the help I can get now that my main source has dried up.

[Lynne Roberts]

An elderly lady was invited to an old friend’s home for dinner one evening. She was impressed by the way her lady friend preceded every request to her husband with endearing terms such as: Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, etc. The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the husband was in the living room, her lady friend leaned over to her hostess to say, 'I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your husband all those loving names.'

Old lady.jpg (46.04 KiB) Viewed 15332 times

The elderly lady hung her head, 'I have to tell you the truth,' she said, 'his name slipped my mind about 10 years ago, and I'm scared to death to ask the cranky old asshole what it is.'

[Steve Mansell]

No offence intended!

Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "Do you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "no tanks, oi've only got a small garden."


Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!"


A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going..... the driver won £52!


Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it. He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin? Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"


Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife. The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday."


Mick walks into Paddy's barn and catches him dancing naked in front of a tractor. Mick says, "Oi Paddy, what ya doing?"
Paddy says, "Well me and Mary haven't been getting on in the bedroom lately & the therapist recommended I do something sexy to a tractor."


The Irish have solved their own fuel problems. They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil.


Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different. 3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant. 2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant. Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"


Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."


Paddy's in the bathroom and Murphy shouts to him. "Did you find the shampoo?"
Paddy says, "Oi did, but it's for dry hair and I've just wet mine."

Steve M

[Lynne Roberts]

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Finally, someone has cleared this up for me, and it doesnβ?Tt mean theyβ?Tre on stand-byβ?¦...




For centuries, Hindu women have worn a dot on their foreheads. Most of us have naively thought this was connected with marriage or religion, but the Indian High Commission in London has recently revealed the true story.


When a Hindu woman gets married, she brings a dowry into the union. On her wedding night, the husband scratches off the dot to see whether he has won a:-

A - Taxi licence in Slough
B - Convenience store in Southall
C- Service station in Bradford
D- Kebab shop in Bristol
E- Take away cafe in Cardiff

If there is nothing there, he must stay in India and take a job answering telephones giving technical advice to BT customers in England.

[Tony Collins 1073]

Residents of Cornwall UK have the lowest stress rate because they are not taken in by medical "techno-gabble".



MEDICAL TERM - CORNISH DEFINITION


Artery - The study of paintings

Bacteria - Back door to cafeteria

Barium - What "diggers" do when patients die

Benign - What you be, after you be eight

Caesarean Section - A neighborhood in Rome

Cat scan - Searching for Kitty

Cauterize - Made eye contact with her

Colic - A sheep dog

Coma - A punctuation mark

Dilate - To live long

Enema - Not a friend

Fester - Quicker than someone else

Fibula - A small lie

Impotent - Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain - Getting hurt at work

Medical Staff - A Doctor's cane

Morbid - A higher offer

Nitrates - Rates of Pay for Working a Night,Normally more money than Days

Node - I knew it

Outpatient - A person who has fainted

Pelvis - Second cousin to Elvis

Post Operative - A letter carrier

Recovery Room - Place to do upholstery

Rectum - Nearly killed him

Secretion - Hiding something

Seizure - Roman Emperor

Tablet - A small table

Terminal Illness - Getting sick at the airport

Tumor - One plus one more

"Urine" - Opposite of "you're out"

[Lynne Roberts]

Have you ever wondered how a woman's brain works?
Well......it's finally explained here in one, easy-to-understand illustration:

Why women can't sleep.gif (836.31 KiB) Viewed 15118 times

Every one of those little blue balls is a thought about something that needs to be done, a decision or a problem that need to be solved.

A man has only 2 balls and they consume all his thoughts.

[Lynne Roberts]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing
one half in front of his wife.


He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two
piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.


He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup
down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the
people around them were looking over and whispering to each other.


Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can
afford is one meal for the two of them.'


As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and
politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man
said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything


People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a
bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking
turns sipping the drink.


Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another
meal for them.
This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing
everything.'


Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with
the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who
had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are
waiting for?'


She answered --


(Continue below - This is great)













'THE TEETH.'

[Steve Mansell]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.

Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact:
Marion .... Marion "
"Is that you, Bob?"
"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."
"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course.
I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times.
Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon.
After supper, it's back to golf course again.
Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"





"No -- I'm a rabbit in Cornwall " .

[Lynne Roberts]

Women in Saudi Arabia and other Middle Eastern areas are now permitted to drive for the first time

[Lynne Roberts]

I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are

I have a little Satnav
I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones
My Satnav is my wife

It gives me full instructions
Especially how to drive
"It's 60 kilometres an hour", it says
"You're doing sixty five"

It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake

It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene

It lists the vehicles just in front
And all those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear.

I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice

It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?

Ah well, you see, it cleans the house,
Makes sure I'm properly fed,
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!

Despite all these advantages
And my tendency to scoff,
I do wish that once in a while
I could turn the damned thing off.

[Tony Collins 1073]

HOLY PROSTITUTES

A man is driving down a deserted

stretch of highway

when he notices a sign

out of the corner of his eye...

It reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES



He thinks this is a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought.



Soon he sees another sign which reads:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES



Suddenly he begins to realize that these signs are for real and drives past a third sign saying:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT



His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building

with a small sign next to the door reading:



SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS



He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,



'What may we do for you! my son?'



He answers, 'I saw your signs along the highway and was interested in possibly doing business....'



'Very well my son. Please follow me.' He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented.

The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, 'Please knock on this door.'



He does so and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, 'Please place $100 in the cup then go through the large wooden door at the end of the hallway.'



He puts $100 in the cup, eagerly trots down the hall and slips through the door pulling it shut behind him.



The door locks, and he finds himself back in the parking lot facing another sign:



GO IN PEACE.

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY

THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.

SERVES YOU RIGHT, YOU SINNER

[Tony Collins 1073]

The Secret to a Good Bacon Cheeseburger

[Tony Collins 1073]

Job at the FBI



The FBI had an opening for an assassin .
After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists;
two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of
the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.

'We must know that you will follow your
Instructions no matter what the circumstances.
nside the room you will find your wife sitting
in a chair . . . kill her!!'

The man said, 'You can't be serious. I could
never shoot my wife.'

The agent said, 'Then you're not the right man
for this job. Take your wife and go home.'

The second man was given the same instructions.
All was quiet for about 5 minutes.

The man came out with tears in his eyes, 'I tried,
but I can't kill my wife..'

The agent said, 'You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.'

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the
same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the
gun and went into the room.
Shots were heard, one after another.
They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls
After a few minutes, all was quiet.

The door opened slowly and there stood the
woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.


'This gun is loaded with blanks' she said. 'I had to
beat him to death with the ----ing chair.'



MORAL:



Women are crazy. Don't mess with them

[Tony Collins 1073]

Can Your Dog Do This?

http://www.wimp.com/moretricks/

[Tony Collins 1073]

The missus bought a paperback
down Mumbles, Saturday
I had a look into her bag
'Twas Fifty Shades of Grey.

Well I just left her to it
At ten I went to bed,
And one hour later she appeared -
The sight filled me with dread....

In her left hand she held a rope,
And in her right a whip!
She threw them down upon the floor
And then began to strip.

Well, fifty years or so ago
I might have had a peek,
But Doris hasn't weathered well,
She's eighty-four next week.

Watching Doris bump and grind
Could not have been much grimmer,
Then things went from bad to worse
She toppled off her Zimmer!

She struggled back upon her feet
A couple of minutes later,
She put her teeth back in and said
That I must dominate her!

Now if you knew our Doris
You'd see just why I spluttered,
I'd spent two months in traction
From our last mad sex, I muttered.

She stood there nude, all naked like,
Bent forward just a bit...
So I thought - what the hell - stepped forward
And stood on her left tit!

Doris screamed, her teeth shot out,
My God, what had I done?
She moaned and groaned then shouted out
"Step on the other one!!"

Well readers, I can't tell no more
'Bout what occurred that day...
Suffice to stay, my jet black hair
Turned "Fifty Shades of Grey!"



Sorry Dave....Couldn't resist this one.