Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

60th High School Reunion
He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail.
This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles.
They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high.
The widower throwing admiring glances across the table. The widow smiling coyly back at him.
Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?"
After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered,
"Yes,..... yes I will!"
The evening ended on a happy note for the widower. But the next morning
he was troubled. Did she say "Yes" or did she say "No?"
He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank.
He remembered asking the question but for the life of him could not
recall her response. With fear and trepidation he picked up the phone and called her.
First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to.
Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he
then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say "Yes" or did you say "No?"
"Why you silly man, I said 'Yes. Yes I will.' And I meant it with all my
heart."
The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat.
Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!"

[paul needham]

Manure... An interesting fact

Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is methane gas of course.. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen.
Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOM! Description: graphicSeveral ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.

Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.

You probably did not know the true history of this word.

Neither did I.

I had always thought it was a golf term!!!!

[paul needham]

Yes, our grandmothers had their own natural remedies. Here grandma passes on her knowledge to her grandchild from her own personal experiences:

"To improve my digestion I drink beer, for loss of appetite I drink white wine, for low blood pressure I drink red wine,
and if I have a cold I drink whisky."

"And when do you drink water?"
"I never had such a serious illness!"

[paul needham]

This, I can really relate to.....

[paul needham]

too true....

[paul needham]

for all of us who feel only the deepest love and affection for the way computers have enhanced our lives, read on. At a recent computer expo (COMDEX),
Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated,

"If Ford had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving $25 cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, issued a press release stating.......
If Ford had developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics (and I just love this part):

1. For no reason whatsoever, your car would crash.........twice a day.
2.. Every time they repainted the lines in the road, you would have to buy a new car.
3... Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason. You would have to pull to the side of the road, close all of the windows, shut off the car, restart it, and reopen the windows before you could continue. For some reason you would simply accept this.
4.... Occasionally, executing a manoeuver such as a left turn would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine.
5..... Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, was reliable, five times as fast and twice as easy to drive - but would run on only five percent of the roads.
6...... The oil, water temperature, and alternator warning lights would all be replaced by a single "This Car Has Performed An Illegal Operation" warning light.
7....... The airbag system would ask, "Are you sure?" before deploying.
8........ Occasionally, for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna.
9......... Every time a new car was introduced car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car.
10.......... You'd have to press the "Start" button to turn the engine off.
PS - I'd like to add that when all else fails, you could call "customer service" in some foreign country at an extortionate call rate and be instructed in some foreign language how to fix your car yourself!

[paul needham]

Chille sauce anybody ?
http://www.youtube.com/embed/Yn0ey0vePwI

[paul needham]

The Christian Way to Call Someone a ****

A guy was getting ready to tee off on the first hole when a second golfer approached and asked if he could join him.
The first said that he usually played alone, but agreed to the twosome.

They were even after the first few holes. The second guy said, "We're about evenly matched, how about playing for five dollars a hole?"
The first guy said that he wasn't much for betting, but agreed to the terms.

The second guy won the remaining sixteen holes with ease.

As they were walking off number eighteen, the second guy was busy counting his $80.00.
He confessed that he was the pro at a neighboring course and liked to pick on suckers.
The first fellow revealed that he was the Parish Priest.

The pro was flustered and apologetic, offering to return the money.
The Priest said, "You won fair and square and I was foolish to bet with you. You keep your winnings."

The pro said, "Is there anything I can do to make it up to you?"

The Priest said, "Well, you could come to Mass on Sunday and make a donation......

And, if you want to bring your mother and father along, I'll marry them."

[paul needham]

A young girl walked into a supermarket and on her way round she sees the bloke who had sex with her the previous evening, after they met in a pub.

He was stacking washing powder boxes on shelves.

"You lying ****" she yells !! "Last night you told me you were a stunt pilot"

"No" he says. " I told you i was a member of the Ariel display team

[Steve Mansell]

Paul, do you work in a Christmas cracker factory?
S

[paul needham]

Paul, do you work in a Christmas cracker factory?
S

some of the jokes might be better if I did.
Pleased to see that you folks are having a look.

[paul needham]

I took my son out for his first pint of beer, I got him a Tetley’s he didn’t like it, so I had it. Then I got him a pint of John Smith’s he didn’t like it so I had it.
It was the same with Carling, Fosters, and Guinness and then a Cider.
By the time we got down to the whisky, I could hardly push the pram.

[paul needham]

Had to laugh at this one....thats what you call a balancing act.

[paul needham]

Streaking golfer



One morning three women are golfing on the fourth green when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, “Well, he’s certainly not my husband.”

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances downward and says, “He’s not my husband either.”
He then passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her.



“Wait a minute,” she says. “He’s not even a member of this golf club.”

[paul needham]

A recent survey reported that three quarters of men don't know how to turn on the dish washer.
I find that licking her nipples and a light gentle kissing usually does the trick.
.....
I was on a train this morning, in the loo, when a voice called out
"Can I see your ticket please ?" "Not right now." I replied, "I'm having a s**t."
"I don't believe you." Said the voice. "Slide it under the door."
"No probs," I said. "The yellow bits are Sweetcorn!"
....
My son asked me today "What's the difference between a crow and a blackbird ?"
I told him, "Crows have somewhat heavier beaks, fan shaped tails and live on insects.
A blackbird has big rubbery lips, a fat **** and lives on benefits."
...
Paddy decides to take up boxing and goes for the required medical. A few days later the doctor ‘phones and says “Paddy, you realise you’ve got sugar diabetes.”
Paddy says, “Nice one, when do I fight him?”
...
It was hard getting over my addiction to the Hokey Cokey. But I’ve turned myself around and that’s what it’s all about.
...
A Muslim bloke I work with was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. Well, that’s when it all kicked off!
...

Paddy caught his Wife having an affair and decided to kill her and himself. He puts the gun to his head, looks at his Wife and says "Don't laugh, your next!"
...
An Irishmen wanting to become a Priest went to see the Bishop who said "You must answer 3 questions on the Bible".
"1st - Who was born in a stable?"
"Red Rum" he replied
"2nd - What do you think of Damascus ?"
"It kills 99% of all germs" he replied.
"3rd - What happened when the disciples went to Mount Olive ?"
"That’s easy" he said "Popeye kicked the sh*t out of them!"
...
Little boy gets home from school and says "Dad, I've got a part in the school play as a man who's been married for 25 years."
His Dad replies "Never mind Son. Maybe next time you'll get a speaking part!!"
...
Two Irishmen looking through a mail order catalogue.
Paddy says "Look at these gorgeous women! The prices are reasonable too."
Mick agrees "I'm ordering one right now"
3 weeks later Paddy says to Mick "Has your woman turned up yet?"
"No" said Mick "but it shouldn't be long now though. Her clothes arrived yesterday!!
...
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
...
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as: "I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just b*******d a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my lap top's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mother.

[paul needham]

Paddy is planning to marry, so he is, and asks his family doctor how he could tell if his bride-to-be is still a virgin.
His doctor says, "Aye, Paddy, all Irish use three things for what we call a Do-It-Yourself.... Virginity Test Kit....
a small can of red paint, a small can of blue paint and a shovel."
Paddy asks, "Aye, and what do I do with these things, doctor?"
The doctor replies, "Before ye climb into bed on your wedding night, you paint one of your balls red and the other ball blue.
If she says, "That's the strangest pair of balls I ever did see...", you hit her with the shovel.'

[paul needham]

This reminded me of some of the comments on the forum last year regarding the age limit for joining the LMA....

[paul needham]

Not sure if this ones ment for the girls or the boys out there....

A Spanish language teacher was explaining to the students that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.
"House" for instance, is Feminine: "la casa."
"Pencil," however, is Masculine: "el lapiz."
A student asked, "What gender is 'Computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher divided the class into two groups, Male and Female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether "Computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun and give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that "Computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender
("la computadora"), because:
1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;
3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval;
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck to buy accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine ("el computador"), because:
1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;
2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem;
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.

[paul needham]

Old Man And The Beaver

An 86-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up...

The doctor asked him how he was feeling, and the
86-year-old said, 'Things are great and I've never felt better.'

I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
"So what do you think about that Doc?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and
then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter
and never misses a season."

One day he was setting off to go hunting.
In a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his walking
cane instead of his gun."

"As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water's edge..

He realized he'd left his gun at home and so he couldn't
shoot the magnificent creature.
Out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if
it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'.

"Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor.

The 86-year-old said,
"Logic would strongly suggest that somebody else
pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied , "My point exactly."

[paul needham]

Jewish Cab Driver

A clearly inebriated woman, stark naked, jumped into a taxi in New York City and laid down on the back seat.

The cab driver, an old Jewish gentleman, opened his eyes wide and stared at the woman.

He made no attempt to start the cab.

The woman glared back at him and said, "What's wrong with you, honey? - Haven't you ever seen a naked woman before?"

The old Jewish driver answered, "Let me tell you sumsing, lady – I vasn't staring at you like you tink; det vould not be proper vair I come from."

The drunk woman giggled and responded, "Well, if you're not staring at my boobs or ass sweetie, what are you doing then?"

He paused a moment, then told her..."Vell, M'am, I am looking and I am looking,
and I am tinking to myself,'Vair in da hell is dis lady keeping de money to pay for dis ride?