Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

Several days after President Obama was re-elected president, he went over to see Bill and Hillary Clinton for dinner at their spacious home.

After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked his host if he could use his personal bathroom.

When he entered Bill Clinton 's private toilet, he was astonished to see that Clinton had a gold urinal... Wow!

The next day, Obama told his wife, Michelle, about the urinal in Clinton 's private lavatory. "Just think,' he said, 'maybe I should get a gold urinal too.

But on the other hand I think that it may be just a bit too self-indulgent...even for a guy like me!"

Later in the week, when Michelle had lunch with Hillary, she told Hillary how impressed her husband had been at his discovering that Bill had a gold urinal in his private bathroom.

Later that day, when Bill got home, Hillary smiled and said to Bill: "I found out who pissed in your saxophone!!"

[paul needham]

Painting the Church
There was a Scottish painter named Smokey MacGregor who was very interested in making a penny where he could, so he often thinned down his paint to make it go a wee bit further.
As it happened, he got away with this for some time, but eventually the local church decided to do a big restoration job on the outside of one of their biggest buildings.

Smokey put in a bid and, because his price was so low, he got the job.
So he set about erecting the scaffolding and setting up the planks, and buying the paint and yes, thinning it down with turpentine.........

Well, Smokey was up on the scaffolding, painting away, the job nearly
completed, when suddenly there was a horrendous clap of thunder.

The sky opened and the rain poured down washing the thinned paint from all off the church and knocking Smokey clear off the scaffold to land on the lawn, surrounded by telltale puddles of the thinned and useless paint.

Smokey was no fool. He knew this was a judgment from the Almighty,
so he got down on his knees and cried:
"Oh God, forgive me; what should I do?"
And from the thunder, a mighty voice spoke.

"Repaint! Repaint! And thin no more!"

[Steven Weir]

Here is a good one to laugh at all enjoy.<a href="http://nlmfc.co.uk/members/the-funniest-rc-video-i-have-ever-watched/">The Funniest R/C Video I Have Ever Watched ! | NLMFC.co.uk</a>

[Tony Collins 1073]

Nice one Steve. I needed a good laugh like that, thanks a lot.

If any one has a problem with the url try clicking on this.

http://nlmfc.co.uk/members/the-funniest ... er-watched

[paul needham]

A day at the races


Two female teachers took a group of students from grades 1, 2 and 3 for a
field trip to the Epsom Racecourse. When it was time to take the children
to the 'bathroom', it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher
and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when
one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the
urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their

pants, and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees'

to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually

well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in Grade 3?

'No ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I
appreciate your help.'

[paul needham]

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman.. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant.

Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child.
Furthermore, if she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discreet, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write 'Spaghetti' on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. 'Honey, she said, 'you received a very strange post card today.'

'Oh, just give it to me and I'll explain it later,' he said. The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white, and fainted.

On the card was written:

Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti.

Three with meatballs, two without.

Send extra sauce.

[paul needham]

A man and a girl were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane. The girl sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading. A few minutes later, the girl sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered violently once more .... Assuming that the girl might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the Girl sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.
- Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the girl and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped your nose and then shuddered violently. Are you OK?"
-"I am sorry if I disturbed you, I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze I have an orgasm."
-The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I have never heard of that condition before" he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"
- The Girl nodded ..... "Pepper."

[paul needham]

Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took
their drink order.

' I would like a Sprite,' said the first little piggy.

' I would like a Coke,' said the second little piggy.

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.


' I want a nice big steak,' said the first piggy..

' I would like the salad plate,' said the second piggy.

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' said the third little piggy.

The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the
table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.

' I want a banana split,' said the first piggy.

' I want a cheesecake,' said the second piggy

' I want beer, lots and lots of beer,' exclaimed the third little piggy

' Pardon me for asking,' said the waiter to the third little piggy,'

But why have you only ordered beer all evening?'

The third piggy says -

'Well, somebody has to go 'Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!

[paul needham]

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.

Paddy ordered a whisky.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.

He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"

Paddy handed his drink back and said

"Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"



-----------oOo----------


Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"

Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bl**dy plane!"



-----------oOo----------


Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.
Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off.
I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!"
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts

"I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!"

Murphy watches in amazement!

The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home"

So he leaves the site.

Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.

"Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman.

"I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.


--------oOo----------


Paddy, the electrician, got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair..

He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!


--------oOo----------


Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbours' dog is barking like mad in the garden.

Paddy says "To hell with this!" and storms off.

He comes back upstairs 5 minutes later and his wife asks "What did you do?"

Paddy replies "I've put the dog in our garden. Let's see how they like it!"


-----------oOo----------


Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.

"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"



-----------oOo----------



Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick says "Crikey! There's a bloke here who was 152!"

Paddy says "What's his name?"

Mick replies "Miles, from London !"



-----------oOo----------



An Irish Family Tradition

Paddy, had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's, 18th birthday came 'round, he and his pal Mick, took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy stepped out of the boat ...and nearly drowned!

Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety.

Furious and confused, Paddy, went to see his grandmother.

'Grandma,' he asked, "It's my 18th birthday, so why can't I walk 'cross the lake like my father, his father, and his father before him?"

Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled brown eyes and said, "Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and you were born in August, ya dip sh*t.

[paul needham]

----- What's in a name?

Do you remember the famous Olympic skier Picabo Street (pronounced Pee-Ka-Boo) Well, Picabo is not just an athlete. She is now a nurse currently working at an Intensive Care Unit of a large metropolitan hospital. She is not permitted to answer the hospital telephones any longer. It caused too much confusion when she would answer the phone and say,

Picabo, I.C.U.

A good clean joke is hard to find these days, especally in the sprout swamps.

[David Whiteley]

True story in response to you mentioning ICU.

Sad but true! When Mrs. Hairy Dave was still working she had to visit many of the wards. On one was a nurse who had designer spectacles. The designer's name, three words, was written on the side bar for all to see, except that her hair hung down and covered the first two words.

The designers? Red or Dead.

Dave

[Lynne Roberts]

Man Flu!

There seems to be a bug around,
I think we have it too.
The kids and I have caught a cold,
but husbands caught man flu.

We all have runny noses,
but Kevin’s lost his smell.
We all have tissues by our beds,
but Kevin has a bell.

We all seem to have sore throats,
but Kevin, he can’t talk.
We all seem to move around,
but Kevin, he can’t walk!

We all try not to moan that much,
but Kevin, lies there sighing.
We all know it’s just a cold,
but Kevin, says he’s dying.

We all have real bad headaches,
but Kevin’s got migraine.
We all seem to ache a bit,
but Kevin, he’s in pain.

We all need our Lemsips,
but Kevin needs a nurse.
We’re all feeling very ill,
but Kevin, he feels worse.

We all have aching arms & legs,
but Kevin, can’t feel his feet.
We’ve all had a little food,
but Kevin, he can’t eat.

We all seem to have a chill,
but Kevin, he is freezing.
We all blow our nose a lot,
but Kevin, keeps on sneezing.

We all need to get some sleep,
but Kevin, he is snoring.
We all know he’s not too good,
but. … MAN FLU … just gets boring!

[paul needham]

Look on the bright side
This morning, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in the hospital's
ICU, tubes up my nose and down my throat, wires monitoring every
function, and all around my head, there was a hell of a pain, but best
of all, a gorgeous nurse was hovering over me.
It was obvious that I had been in a serious accident.
She looked deep and steady into my eyes, and then I heard her slowly
say, "You may not feel anything from the waist down."
I managed to mumble in reply, "Can I feel your tits, then?"

[paul needham]

COLD WEATHER ADVICE

Please remember, now that it’s winter, animals seek out the heat of vehicles to stay warm. Before starting your car, please check around the wheels and engine for these cold animals. You may not even notice they are there. Please note example below.

[paul needham]

For all of you in education with sons, grandsons, or who just love the things little kids say ~
a reminder that adult words are often taken literally.......

A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class
was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention.
She went back to find out what was going on.
He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised
and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principal's office.
He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.
He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his 'private part' hanging out.
she said 'I thought I told you to call your mum!'
'I did,' he said,
'And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, she'd come and pick me up from school.

[paul needham]

I want to report a sequel to the visit by the Russian television crew that I hope you will find interesting. “How do you keep so young?” Olga asked. She was flattering me, of course, but I felt I had to give her a truthful answer.

“Sexual intercourse,” I told her. “I start the day with the night nurse just before she goes off duty. Then I have my Wonder Bread crusts dipped in warm milk and I’m ready for a vigorous bout with that first year medical student. I nap until it’s time for my humus sandwich and a more robust ‘sandwich. with the matron, a little meditation and it’s time for nut cutlets and the masseuse, and – don’t you know it? – it’s time for bed and a good-night romp with cook.”

“This is amazing, Reg,” Olga said. “Your story will inspire a generation of Russians. And how old are you?”

“Twenty-eight.

[paul needham]

A man received a message from his neighbour ... :
"Sorry sir I am using your wife...I am using day and night ...
I am using when you are not present at home....
In fact I am using more than you are using.....
I confess this because now I feel very much guilty...
Hope you will accept my sincere apologies"

… so the man shot his wife ....

a few minutes later he received another message:

Sorry sir, spelling mistake ... read wifi not wife

[paul needham]

My mate Paddy just told me that he robbed a shop last night.

"What did you get?" I asked.

"26 pictures," he smiled, showing me, "The cheapest one is worth over £180,000."

I said, "Paddy, these are from an estate agents."

[paul needham]

WITH AGE COMES WISDOM This guy is 72 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say, "Pick me up." He looked around and couldn't see any one.

He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again, "Pick me up."

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.

The man said, "Are you talking to me?"

The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen. I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will be your bride!"

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said? I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said, "No, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog." With age comes wisdom.

[paul needham]

THE 5 ANSWERS WE ADULTS HAVE
ALL BEEN WAITING FOR!


Q: WHAT IS AN AUSTRALIAN KISS?
A: It's the same as a French kiss, but 'downunder'.


Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WITH 365 USED CONDOMS?
A: Melt them down, make a tire, and call it a Goodyear.


Q: WHY WERE ALL HURRICANES NAMED AFTER WOMEN?
A: Because when they come, they're wild and wet, and when
they go, they take your house and car with them.


Q: WHY DO GIRLS RUB THEIR EYES WHEN THEY GET UP IN THE MORNING?
A: Because they don't have any balls to scratch...

BONUS QUESTIONS & ANSWERS

Q: What is a man's Ultimate embarrassment?
A: Running into a wall with an erection and breaking his nose.


Nominated as the world's best short joke
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.