Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

[paul needham]

For those connoisseurs of the English language:


His Lordship was in the study at Downton Abbey when Carson, the butler
approached and coughed discreetly.
"May I ask you a question, my lord?"
"Go ahead, Carson," said his lordship.
"I am doing crossword in 'The Times' and I have found a word about which
I am not too clear."
"What word is that?" asked his lordship.
"The word is 'aplomb', my lord."
"That is a difficult word to explain. I would say it means
'self-assurance' or 'complete composure'."
"Thank you, my lord, but I'm still a little confused."
"Then, let me give you an example to make it clearer. Do you remember a
few months ago the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge arrived to spend a weekend
with us?"
"Of course, my lord, I remember the occasion very well. It gave the
staff and myself much pleasure to look after them."
"Also", continued the Earl of Grantham, "do you remember that William
plucked a rose for Kate in the rose garden?"
"I was indeed present on that occasion, my lord."
"And while plucking the rose, a thorn embedded itself very deeply in his
thumb?"
"Yes," replied Carson. "I witnessed the incident, my lord, and saw the
Duchess herself remove the thorn and bandage his thumb with her own dainty
handkerchief."
"And that evening, the prick on his thumb was so sore that Kate had to
cut up his venison, even though being from our own estate it was extremely
tender."
"Yes, my lord, I saw and heard what transpired."
"Then the next morning, while you were pouring coffee for Her
Ladyship, Kate enquired of William in a loud voice, 'Darling is your prick
still throbbing this morning?'"
"And you, Carson, did not spill one drop of coffee! That was aplomb!"

[paul needham]

THE KNEELING HIGH JUMP
This is Incredible!!!


Are you aware that a new world record has been set for the HIGH JUMP from a KNEELING position?
The record (0.757 meters) - remember this is from a KNEELING position was set recently on a beach near Montpellier in Southern France.

The photograph below was taken a split second before the jump but it gives you an idea as to how it was achieved.......

[Bob Thompson1894]

sp.jpg (280.67 KiB) Viewed 9970 times

If the weather at East Kirkby goes sour, then this is a must for a visit. I gather Denis Brown supplies the sprouts needed for the performance....

[paul needham]

Bob, that sounds like my cat.

[paul needham]

> Five Minute Management Course

> Lesson 1:
> A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her
> shower, when the doorbell rings.
> The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.
> When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor
> Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'
> After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in
> front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.
> The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.
> When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'
> 'It was Bob the next door neighbor she replies.
> 'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'
> Moral of the story:
> If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your
> shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable
> exposure.

> Lesson 2:
> A priest offered a Nun a lift.
> She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.
> The priest nearly had an accident.
> After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg again.
> The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
> The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up
> her leg again.
> The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'
> The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'
> Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.
> On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It
> said, 'Go forth and seek further up, you will find glory.'
> Moral of the story:
> If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great
> opportunity.

> Lesson 3:
> A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch
> when they find an antique oil lamp.
> They rub it and a Genie comes out..
> The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
> 'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas ,
> driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
> Puff! She's gone..
> 'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing
> on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas
> and the love of my life.'
> Puff! He's gone.
> 'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
> The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'
> Moral of the story:
> Always let your boss have the first say.

> Lesson 4
> An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.
> A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'
> The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'
> So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a
> sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it. < U>
> Moral of the story:
> To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

> Lesson 5
> A turkey was chatting with a bull.
> 'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'
> 'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'
> The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough
> strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.
> The next day, after eating some more of the dung, he reached the second
> branch.
> Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of
> the tree.
> He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.
> Moral of the story:
> Bull **** might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..

> Lesson 6
> A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze
> and fell to the ground into a large field.
> While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.
> As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize
> how warm he was getting.
> The dung was actually thawing him out!
> He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
> A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.
> Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,
> and promptly dug him out and ate him.
> Morals of the story:
> (1) Not everyone who craps on you is your enemy.
> (2) Not everyone who gets you out of a crappy situation is your friend.
> (3) And when you're in deep ****, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

[Scott Douglas]

Oscarpistosis - the condition of being afraid to go to the toilet at your boyfriend's house.



I don't bother with the Grand National any more. Last year my horse started off at 33/1 at Aintree, and ended up at 2 for 1 at Tesco.

I love taking my blind daughter out for a drive.
Every time I hit a speed bump, I tell her it was a dog.

I remember the first time I saw a universal remote control, and I thought to myself. "Well this changes everything"

What's the difference between an Afghani Military Base and a Pakistani Elementary School?
I don't know, I just fly the drone.


The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.
I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.



The US Military has cancelled its multi billion dollar research and development program into the next generation of stealth aircraft as they discover simply turning off the transponder has the same effect.

[paul needham]

I got a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom." It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely.

[paul needham]

LITTLE JOHNNY STRIKES AGAIN
The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.
Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm,
and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, That was good, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate, not fascinating.

Sally raised her hand. She said, my family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.
The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand.
The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate' so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Carolyn has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[paul needham]

Celibacy...?



Celibacy can be a choice in life,
or a condition imposed by circumstances.
While attending a Marriage Weekend,

Ken and his wife, Janet, listened to the instructor declare,
'It is essential that husbands and wives know
the things that are important to each other.'
He then addressed the men,
'Can you name and describe your wife's favourite flower?

‘Ken leaned over, touched Janet’s arm gently,
and whispered,

"Homepride, isn't it ?"

And thus began Ken’s life of celibacy.

[paul needham]

THE IMPORTANCE OF SPACE.!


A secretary got an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.
She sent him a 'Thank you note' by email.
Bosses wife read the email and filed for divorce.
The email says:

"Your penis wonderful. I enjoyed using it last nigh
It has extra ordinary smooth flow, and a firm stroke.
Initially its tip had to be licked to bring it to working order.
I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in heaven when using it.
I've always desired it and you fulfilled my wish. Thanks a lot"

Moral of this story :
A "space" is an essential part in English.!

[paul needham]

Long winded but worth the read.
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY, AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:

1. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA...... FLOOR.

2. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.

3. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?

4. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.

5. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?" SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.

6. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL QUESTIONS?

7. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?

8. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

9. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

10. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY FROM IT ALL?"

11. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?

12. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY GARNISH HIS WAGES?

13. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?

14. WHY DO THEY LOCK GAS STATION TOILETS? ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL BREAK-IN AND CLEAN THEM?

15. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE HOMELESS OR NAKED?

16. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?

17. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MUTE, DO THEY TELL HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?

18. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH BANK MACHINES?

19. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

20. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED BREAD?

21. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

22. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
(This one took me a minute)

23. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS ENJOY ADULTERY?

24. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?

25. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE REST DROWN TOO?

26. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?

27. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE YOU DONE?

28. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD 'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?

29. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED "HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?

30. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?

31. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR CREAM?

32. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL MAN IN A CIRCLE THREE TIMES, DOES HE BECOME DISORIENTED?

33. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF GOD?

34. WHY DO SHOPS HAVE SIGNS, 'GUIDE DOGS ONLY', THE DOGS CAN'T READ AND THEIR OWNERS ARE BLIND?

[paul needham]

A Prostitute's Tax Return...



A woman walks into a Kalgoorlie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.


The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."


He gets her name, address etc. And then asks,"What's your occupation?"


"I'm a prostitute," she says.


The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."


The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again."


They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."


The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."


"Poultry Farmer it is."

[paul needham]

A husband went to the police station to file a "missing person" report for his missing wife:
Husband :-I lost my wife, she went shopping & hasn't come back yet.
Inspector :-What is her height?
Husband :-I never checked.
Inspector :-Slim or healthy?.
Husband :-Not slim, can be healthy.
Inspector :-Color of eyes?
Husband :-Never noticed.
Inspector :-Color of hair?
Husband :-Changes according to season.
Inspector :-What was she wearing?
Husband :-Not sure whether it was a dress or a suit.
Inspector :-Was she driving?
Husband :-yes.
Inspector :-color of the car? . . . . .
Husband :-black Audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 litre V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-speed tiptronic automatic transmission with manual mode. And it has full LED headlights, which use light emitting diodes for all light functions and has a very thin scratch on the front left door....................….and then the husband started crying...
Inspector:-Don't worry sir,.....We will find your car.

[paul needham]

Meanwhile, somewhere in Ireland........

[paul needham]

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans...
flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars.
I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?"

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women.
As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women.
When I shower, I think about naked women.
When I watch TV, I think about naked women.
It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"


He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'

[paul needham]

It's late fall and the Indians on a remote reservation in North Dakota asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.


Since he was a chief in a modern society, he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.


Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.


But, being a practical leader, after several days, he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, 'Is the coming winter going to be cold?'


'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold,' the meteorologist at the weather service responded.


So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.


A week later, he called the National Weather Service again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?'


'Yes,' the man at National Weather Service again replied, 'it's going to be a very cold winter.'


The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.


Two weeks later, the chief called the National Weather Service again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?'


'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters we've ever seen.'


'How can you be so sure?' the chief asked.


The weatherman replied, 'The Indians are collecting a shitload of firewood'

[paul needham]

TWIN IRISH SISTERS CELEBRATE Twin sisters in a Newfoundland Nursing Home were turning one hundred years old.

The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins. One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well.

Once the photographer arrived he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.

The deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other.

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE." So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin, the deaf twin shouted out, "OH LARD JESUS! BOTH OF US????"

[paul needham]

The Robot Lie Detector....




A father bought a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie and decided to test it out at dinner one night. The father asked his son what he did that afternoon.

The son said, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slapped the son.

The son said, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching a DVD."

Dad asked, "What did you watch?"

Son said, "Toy Story."

The robot slapped the son again.

Son said, "Ok, Ok, we were watching porn."

Dad said," What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was.”

The robot slapped the father.

Mom laughed and said, "Well, he certainly is your son."

The robot slapped the mother.


The robot's for sale!

[paul needham]

How to get to Heaven from Scotland

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they
understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my car, had a big jumble sale and gave
all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden and kept everything
tidy, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and gave sweets to all the children
and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.


I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"


A six year old boy shouted,


"Yuv got tae be f*#kin' dead"


Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...