Fun stuff goes here.

[paul needham]

A new sign in the Bank Lobby reads:

'Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles.

Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts.

After months of careful research, "MALE & FEMALE" procedures have been developed. Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.'
*******************************
MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

*******************************

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
(What is really funny is that most of this part is the truth!!!!)

1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passenger seat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up.
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and place receipt in back of check book.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and place card into the slot provided.
23. Give dirty look to irate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Re-dial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

[paul needham]

A CLASSICAL EDUCATIOIN

A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture.

Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum."

The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics." The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ".

And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion.

With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"

The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.

[paul needham]

good news from Rome
The Pope has finally lifted the ban on condoms but further training is required

[paul needham]

A good reminder!!

As we get closer to the 2016 election year, US citizens must
remember that they cannot trust Hillary Clinton to create American jobs.

The last time she had a meaningful job,

she outsourced it to Monica Lewinsky. ...



And Monica blew it.

[paul needham]

Post Tortoise
As we approach
the next general election just keep this in mind...........


While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer,
whose hand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role
as our leaders. The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most
politicians are 'Post Tortoises'.'
Not being familiar with the
term, the doctor asked him what a 'post tortoise' was. The old
farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a tortoise balanced on top, that's a post tortoise."
The old farmer saw the puzzled look on the doctor's
face so he continued to explain.

“You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there,
he doesn't know what to do while he's up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function,
and you just wonder what kind of dumb **** put him up there to begin with."


Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

[David Whiteley]

I have just seen this strip cartoon on a site I visit regularly, and I thought it worth sharing.

D.(H.)

[paul needham]

says it all don't it.

[paul needham]

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his 1911 Colt pistol and yelled,

"I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been screwing my wife?”

A voice from the back of the room called out…

"You'll need more ammo!”

[paul needham]

A lovely little anecdote, about one of life's more interesting characters...


When Mahatma Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a professor, whose last name was Peters,
disliked him intensely and always displayed animosity toward him.

Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him as he expected, there were always "arguments" and confrontations.

One day, Mr. Peters was having lunch at the dining room of the University and Gandhi came along with his tray and sat next to the professor.The professor said,"Mr Gandhi, you do not
understand. A pig and a bird do not sit together to eat."

Gandhi looked at him as a parent would a rude child and calmly replied, "You do not worry professor. I'll fly away," and he went and sat at another table.

Mr. Peters, reddened with rage, decided to take revenge on the next test paper but Gandhi responded brilliantly to all questions.

Mr. Peters, unhappy and frustrated, asked him the following question:

"Mr Gandhi, if you were walking down the street and found a package and within was a bag of wisdom and another bag with a lot of money, which one would you take?"

Without hesitating, Gandhi responded, "The one with the money, of course."

Mr. Peters, smiling sarcastically said, "I, in your place, would have taken the wisdom."

Gandhi shrugged indifferently and responded, "Each one takes what he doesn't have."

Mr. Peters, by this time was fit to be tied. So great was his anger that he wrote on Gandhi's exam sheet the word "idiot" and gave it to Gandhi.

Gandhi took the exam sheet and sat down at his desk, trying very hard to remain calm while he contemplated his next move.

A few minutes later, Gandhi got up, went to the professor and said to him in a dignified but sarcastically polite tone, "Mr. Peters,
you autographed the sheet, but you did not give me the grade."

[paul needham]

GOD to ST. FRANCIS:
Frank, ... You know all about gardens and nature. What in

the world is going on down there on the planet? What

happened to the dandelions, violets, milkweeds and stuff

I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden

plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand

drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the

long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies, honey bees and

flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of

colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:
It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.

They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to

great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:
Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't

attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod

worms. It's sensitive to temperatures. Do these

Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it

and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing

grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:
The spring rains and warm weather probably make

grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:
Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they

cut it-sometimes twice a week.

GOD:
They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:
Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:
They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:
No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:
Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so

it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off

and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:
Yes, Sir.

GOD:
These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer

when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat.

That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.

ST. FRANCIS:
You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass

stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay

more money to water it, so they can continue to mow

it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:
What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees.

That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself.

The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty

and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to

the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture

in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It's a

natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:
You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have

drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they

rake them into great piles and pay to have them

hauled away.

GOD:
No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and

tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:
After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy

something which they call mulch. They haul it home

and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:
And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:
They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:
Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore.

St. Catherine, you're in charge of the arts. What movie

have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:
'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:
Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story

from St. Francis.

[Lynne Roberts]

Air Traffic Control


An air traffic control tower suddenly lost communication with a small twin engine aircraft. A moment later the tower land line rang and was answered by one of the employees.


The passenger riding with the pilot who lost communications was on a cellular phone and yelled "Mayday, mayday!! The pilot had an instant and fatal heart attack. I grabbed his cell phone out of his pocket and he had told me before we took off he had the tower on his speed dial memory. I am flying upside down at 18,000 feet and traveling at 180 mph. Mayday, mayday!!"


The employee in the tower had put him on speaker phone immediately. "Calm down, we acknowledge you and we’ll guide you down after a few questions. The first thing is not to panic, remain calm!!"


He began his series of questions:


Tower: "How do you know you are traveling at 18,000 feet??"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 18,000 feet on the Altimeter dial in front of me."


Tower: "Okay, that’s good, remain calm. How do you know you’re traveling at 180 mph?"


Aircraft: "I can see that it reads 180 mph on the Airspeed dial in front of me."


Tower: Okay, this is great so far, but it’s heavily overcast, so how do you know you're flying upside down?"


Aircraft” “The **** in my pants is running out of my shirt collar.”

[paul needham]

Walking the dog - true story



A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco. Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.


The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane

would re-board in 50 minutes.


Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind.
A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly
underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said,

"Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"
The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."


Picture this:

mime-attachment.jpg (14 KiB) Viewed 11666 times

All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane

with a guide dog for the blind! Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !
People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

True story...
Have a great day and remember...
THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR ..

[paul needham]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH
A teacher asks her class, 'If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?'
She calls on Little RALPHY.
He replies, 'None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.'
The teacher replies, 'The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking.'
Then Little RALPHY says, 'I have a question for YOU.'
There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:
One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice cream.
The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.
The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
Which one is married?'
The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, 'Well, I suppose
the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.'
To which Little RALPHY replied, 'The correct answer is
the one with the wedding ring on, but I like your thinking.'

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH

Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
'Why?' asks the father?
'The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,' I said '6', replies RALPHY.
'But that's right!' says his dad.
'Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?''
'What's the f**king difference?' asks the father.
'That's what I said!'


LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH

Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says,
'Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class.
Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?'
RALPHY says 'Mas-tur-bate..'
Miss Rogers smiles and says, 'Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful.'
Little RALPHY says, 'No, miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob.'


LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR
One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher
asked for a show of hands from those who could use the
word 'beautiful' in the same sentence twice.
First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with,
'My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it.'
'Very good, Suzie,'
Replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.
'My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully.'
She said, 'Excellent, Michael!' Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.
'Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that
she was pregnant', and he said 'Beautiful, just f**king beautiful!'

LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER

Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.
After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said,
'Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you.
It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat.'
Little RALPHY replied, 'My grandfather lived to be 107 years old.'
The man asked, 'Did your Grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?'
Little RALPHY answered, 'No, he minded his own f**king business.'

I LOVE Little RALPHY

[paul needham]

Five blokes in an Audi Quattro arrived at the ferry checkpoint in Harwich, Essex.
Tracey, in her brand new uniform, stops them and tells them:
"I can't let you on the ferry. It is illegal to have 5 people in a Quattro. Quattro means four..
One of you will have to get out and stay behind."

"Quattro is just the name of the car," the driver replies disbelievingly.
"Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry five persons."

"You cannot pull that one on me. This is Tracey you're talking to here," she replies with a smile.
"Quattro means four. You have five people in your car and you are therefore breaking the law.
So I can't let you onto the ferry. It's more than my job's worth to let you all on."

The driver is now very cross and replies angrily,
"I've had enough of you. Call your supervisor over. I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!"

"Sorry," responds Tracey, "but Sharon is busy with those two blokes in the Fiat Uno."

[paul needham]

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:



" Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome ... So, how are you getting there?"



"We're taking BA," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"



"BA?" exclaimed the hairdresser.. " That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome ?"



"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."



"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump."



"We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe get to see the Pope."



"That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant.



Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it..."



A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome



"It was wonderful," explained the woman, "not only were we on time in one of BA's brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.



And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a 5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"



"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "that's all well and good, but I bet you didn't get to see the Pope."



"Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.



Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me"



"Oh, really! What'd he say ?"




He said: "Who the F**k did your hair?"

[paul needham]

Aussie Croc

An Australian drover walks into a bar with a pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar and then he turns to the astonished patrons. “I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood
inside.

Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.”

The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his​ ​
​equipment
​
and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.



The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. “I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.”



A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A blonde woman timidly spoke up.......... “I'll try it – Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!”

[paul needham]

The foreign minister of a small African state had opportunity to visit Russia for the very first time. There he was warmly welcomed by his Russian counterpart, who wined and dined him and generally offered him the best hospitality that Russia could offer.

On his last day, the Russian foreign minister took the African foreign minister into a room with a table on which lay a revolver. "My comrade, since you are about to leave, I must introduce you to a custom we have here in Russia, some thing called Russian roulette. It is a true test of manhood and worth, and how it works is that you must take the revolver, spin the cylinders, hold the revolver to your head and then pull the trigger. Only one of the six chambers is loaded."

The African leader, being of proud warrior stock and a courageous man, took the revolver, spun the cylinder, snapped it shut, pointed it at his head and sighed with relief when all he heard was 'click', but no shot.

Well impressed with his bravery, he and the Russian drank vodka until the African leader had to be carried aboard his plane.

Six months later the Russian foreign minister visits the African foreign minister's country. The African, remembering keenly the Russian roulette he had to play previously, took the Russian into a room on the last day of his visit. In the room were six beautiful, naked young women.

"To prove your courage and manhood, see before you six of the most beautiful women from each of our tribes. This is something I call 'African roulette'. You may pick any one of them and they will give you a blow job."

The Russian, not too averse to this idea at all, asks the African, "But where is the risk? To be called roulette there must be some form of risk involved."

The African smiles broadly.

"One of the six is a cannibal

[paul needham]

Grandma has just retired and drives her own car. She writes:


Dear Grand-daughter,

The other day I went up to our local Christian book store and saw a
'Honk if you love Jesus' bumper sticker ..

I was feeling particularly sassy that day because I had just come from a thrilling choir performance, followed by a thunderous prayer meeting.

So, I bought the sticker and put it on my bumper.

Boy, am I glad I did; what an uplifting experience that followed.

I was stopped at a red light at a busy intersection, just lost in
thought about the Lord and how good he is, and I didn't notice that the light had changed.

It is a good thing someone else loves Jesus because if he hadn't
honked, I'd never have noticed..

I found that lots of people love Jesus!

While I was sitting there, the guy behind started honking like crazy,
and then he leaned out of his window and screamed, 'For the love of
God!'

'Go! Go! Go! Jesus Christ, GO!'

What an exuberant cheerleader he was for Jesus!

Everyone started honking!

I just leaned out my window and started waving and smiling at all those loving people.

I even honked my horn a few times to share in the love! ;
There must have been a man from Florida back there because I heard him yelling something about a sunny beach.

I saw another guy waving in a funny way with only his middle finger
stuck up in the air.

I asked my young teenage grandson in the back seat what that meant.

He said it was probably a Hawaiian good luck sign or something.

Well, I have never met anyone from Hawaii , so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign right back.

My grandson burst out laughing.

Why even he was enjoying this religious experience!!

A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and started walking towards me

I bet they wanted to pray or ask what church I attended, but this is
when I noticed the light had changed.

So, grinning, I waved at all my brothers and sisters, and drove on
through the intersection.

I noticed that I was the only car that got through the intersection
before the light changed again and felt kind of sad that I had to leave
them after all the love we had shared.

So I slowed the car down, leaned out the window and gave them all the Hawaiian good luck sign one last time as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!!

Will write again soon,

Love, Grandma

[paul needham]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist, Linda, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the congregation considerably.

The very proper church ladies were appalled. They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Linda very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples & over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while. The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

"Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday."

[paul needham]

The only cow in a small town in Northern Italy stopped giving milk.
Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Sicily quite cheaply.
So, they brought the cow over from Sicily .
It was absolutely wonderful. it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy.
They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again.
They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the local veterinarian, Dr. Santucchi, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.
"Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side."
The veterinarian rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Sicily?"
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Sicily .
"You are truly a wise veterinarian," they said. "How did you know we got the cow from Sicily?"
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eyes: "My wife is from Sicily."